The way she tells me things about other guys

[StraightUpGuy]

Bullet points:

We love each other. Relationship is great. We are monogamous people committed to each other. The problem is that she just doesn't know how to properly convey information about other guys to me.

 

In the beginning of our relationship she told me about her past relationships and what she finds attractive about other men especially how she liked male athletes and how she likes being in their company. It's mostly because they are like minded but I know the attractiveness is there too. Its just her face and gestures while she's talking honestly about that that makes me feel angry because I feel that this is highly disrespectful. I'm not an overly jealous guy but she is to blame for putting such stuff in my head to think about.

 

She said she now doesn't need anyone else but me and I believe her and apart from this problem our relationship is great. The problem is this. We are often separated due to our obligations because I'm a professional athlete traveling a lot and so she spends time with her friends and there are always some athletes being that we are both in sports. I don't mind her spending time with her friends even if there are some men that she doesn't know. Honestly, I prefer to be proud of the trust we have rather than spending time worrying if she will find some man attractive. I meet a lot of attractive women but I'm always thinking of her because what I feel for her is so much more than a physical relationship. I don't even flirt. Even though she is not with me she deserves such respect from me. I expect the same.

 

Here is a thing about trust. I'm a firm believer that it needs to be built over time and that the other person's behavior will dictate how much trust will you put in her. The way you built it is through honesty, a few reassurances here and there since we are all people and can be a little bit paranoid from time to time, especially when we love so strongly and we are building our relationship.

 

So, first couple of months of our relationship have been rough because of the way she's been telling me things. I confronted her about my worries in a normal conversation and we got past that a few times. She actually was surprised that I was worried by it. I had to talk a few times with her about that and tell how it has an influence on me and she said she doesn't want to do and say anything that makes me feel this way. I don't expect her to tell me about every guy she meets but when she goes out or visits some people without me sometimes I just like to know who was there and did she had a good time. Now she is totally OK with it. I also tell her about my travels because I like to do that.

 

But every week or two we find ourselves in the same situation. For example. A few nights ago she went to her girlfriend to watch a TV show. We texted the whole evening while she was there. Yesterday she told me, out of the blue, that there was also a guy - athlete, a friend of her girlfriend that she didn't know from before. She smiled while telling me about him and told me how she was able to resist his charm. It is irrelevant to me if there is an unknown man in her company but why she always has to keep this info from me and hit me later with it in a such way. I know it was a joke because one time when I asked her will she be able to resist all those charming athletes while I'm away, she said no problem.

 

With few of my previous girlfriends I had such jokes and because we never had trust issues such humor was always top notch. But now, with her I don't find such jokes funny at all. Every single time they make me angry even more. It's like telling cancer jokes to a person who survived cancer. Not funny brother. So that was the boiling point for me and we had a fight last night about how insensitive she is. Just to make sure, I'm positive she doesn't cheat, it's just about how she doesn't get it how disrespectful this has become towards me. Now she is angry at me for me being angry at her.

 

I'm a believer that conversation cures most problems and I find it disgusting to trying to teach someone how to behave in certain situations. I told her normally more than a few times that I don't appreciate her way of telling me things and although she doesn't repeat it she always finds some new way of saying something like that. She's extremely intelligent person by the way.

 

When I come to think of it I don't really have a question. I just wanted to pour out my thoughts and hear what other people think about them.

[Empire87]

If you don't like the way she divulged the info about who she hangs out with or who is around when you guys are apart then stop asking her to tell you. There's no need and you obviously read into her facial expressions and "the way she says things" in a negative way.

 

You said that you're positive she doesn't cheat and she's not messing around when you're apart. That's all you need to know. Her telling you what guy she turned down, or who hit on her, or who was there and whether or not they were good looking or not, serves no purpose. She's getting a reaction out of you by knowing your a little jealous or angry/worried about how she goes about telling you. That helps her feel more secure that you're not fooling around with all the girls you come across.

 

If your partner is gonna cheat on you, then there's nothing you're gonna do that's gonna stop them from doing it at some point. Some guys think that staying in constant contact when their girl is out, or facetiming when she gets back to her place is confirming that they weren't with another guy. It's not. Either she's gonna cheat or she's not. If you trust her then don't sweat the small stuff.

 

I played a pro sport in the Us for 4 years after college and the lifestyle that it provides would drive most girls crazy. If she's not breaking your chops about who you're with and what you're doing then give her the same courtesy.

"You don't need to tell me about every guy that hits on you or tries to flirt with you. It's just gonna get under my skin. If someone's harassing you or crossing the line, then that's the stuff id wanna know just because I wanna make sure you're alright and I don't need to worry"

[d0nnivain]

You may have to discuss this with her again. Say that you trust her & you don't care that some guy was there but you don't understand why that info wasn't revealed during the texts. Why did she have to surprise you with it after the fact? Also explain that you didn't care for the joke that she was "able to resist his charms". First, she should barely have noticed he existed, let alone that he was charming. Second, if she is as into as she claims resistance would be required; ignoring him should have been as automatic as breathing.

[Empire87]

You may have to discuss this with her again. Say that you trust her & you don't care that some guy was there but you don't understand why that info wasn't revealed during the texts. Why did she have to surprise you with it after the fact? Also explain that you didn't care for the joke that she was "able to resist his charms". First, she should barely have noticed he existed, let alone that he was charming. Second, if she is as into as she claims resistance would be required; ignoring him should have been as automatic as breathing.

 

You wouldn't really expect/want her to include that in the texts she sent the day it occurred tho. If she had to do that every time a guy looked, flirted, or was introduced to her, then every conversation they'd have would start with a rundown of each guy she's had an interaction with. I don't think she's not disclosing it immediately on purpose, she's just bringing it up later when she recalls it because it's an insignificant moment for her and not something she thought was worthy enough to spend time on mentioning. As soon as she mentions it, she has to discuss it further. The OP is definitely going to want to know more and squeeze out every detail of what happened and she might not want to spend the time doing that about something that means nothing.

 

If anything he can call her out for trying to get a rise out of him by bringing it up later and describing him as charming. If she's going to to that then he can start bringing up all the broads he encounters as well anytime he wants to get a rise out of her.

[dreamingoftigers]

This would get very old very quick.

 

Do you let her know every time there's a girl present and how she threw herself at you?

 

I suggest you confront what's driving these insecurities quickly.

 

Because it's clear your girlfriend finds it a bit ridiculous.

 

If you know she's isn't cheating regardless of who is present and who is throwing themselves at her, then why is it super-important (in fact "disrespectful" for her not to) announce who is present at all times in the Drawing Room with the Candlestick?

[smackie9]

This post really grindes my gears....if my husband expected me to keep him notified of every guy I came in contact with I would tell him to go f himself.

 

OP you are being unrealistic and your gf needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. Just man up and tell her you don't like they way she talks about other guys....you find it disrespectful and you don't need to hear it. There that should settle it.

[sandylee1]

I have little patience for such antics.... telling you she resisted his charms. I'd either dump her.. or start doing what she does and watch her reaction. She clearly doesn't have eyes for only YOU .

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you feel insecure about your own ability to keep her, and it's not so much HOW she tells you - it's more about the WAY YOU take it.

 

With few of my previous girlfriends I had such jokes and because we never had trust issues such humor was always top notch. But now, with her I don't find such jokes funny at all. Every single time they make me angry even more. It's like telling cancer jokes to a person who survived cancer. Not funny brother.

Things like this used to make you laugh, now you get angry.

Why?

[todreaminblue]

have an honest discussion with her again and tell her that you dont find it humorous or funny let her know what you appreciate as well as the negatives...say positive things........and then what you would like changed..or to stop completely for you to be happy.....and see what you guys can work out together...good luck....deb

[Hobart_Carboys]

I agree with dONNIVAIN below, who wrote "First, she should barely have noticed he existed, let alone that he was charming." That's it, precisely. I also agree with you that "conversation" is a huge help, but she won't converse about some things. Why not? If you want intimacy with a person, that person must not keep ANY secrets. None.

[Miss Peach]

I had a BF who used to go hang out with women alone and wouldn't tell me. Sometimes he would tell me he went somewhere but not who he was with. Other times he didn't tell me at all. I usually found out after the fact through innocent means. For example I had a number that I didn't recognize that kept appearing on my phone bill and that was how I found out about one of these women. It did lead to trust issues with that BF because I felt I was only getting the half truth a lot. So I would understand it if that was what was happening. I would totally get how insensitive that can be.

 

On the other hand in the example listed I don't get the feeling she's hiding things form you. Instead I get the feeling she doesn't know how much to tell you. Sometimes you seem to chide her for saying too much. Other times it's for saying too little. As long as she seems to be making good choices about not spending time alone with these guys, not putting herself into compromising situations, etc. then I really don't see what the problem is. Especially since you say you trust her.

 

I disagree with Donnivan on one point though. Other people can exist and can even be attractive. I love my BF very much and wouldn't want anyone over him. They couldn't compare to him. Yet I do like checking out other men and women. I would never take it past a quick glance. Most men do this too. I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as it's not at the expense of paying attention to BF.