Bigbassett Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Hi There. New to this. My wife and I have been having marriage problems for a few years, almost since day one. It is a second marriage for both of us. We've been trying to make it work but decided to end it this week, and even came to a property settlement agreement and all is good. I found out yesterday that she has had an online dating profile and active for over a year. Even though I have come to terms with ending our marriage I find it tough dealing with the betrayal I'm feeling. She was so vocal and harsh that our marriage problems were all my fault. I went to councillors, read every book and tried my best to make things work. Last month I even took us on a vacation to try and jumpstart things. All the while she is somewhere else, fishing in some other pond. We actually lived apart for 4 months (her choice) but saw each other most days. I can't help but think of how she spent her time while. I've decided not to mention it to her. We've made a decision and that is fine with me. I validates my decision so I'm good with that. I'm just totally blind sided by her actions. She was always on her high horse telling me how great she is and how bad of a husband I am. Hopefully our parting will be quick and simple. I do worry about getting over the whole trust thing going forward but have scheduled time with a councillor to talk about that. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 You've already trumped my words of encouragement. She evidently participated in an amicable property settlement so I'd call this one done and take the lessons learned and carry them forward in life. She's entitled to her opinion of you as a husband, as are you regarding her as a wife. Soon enough none of it will matter and, best outcome, will make for some good humor as life proceeds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Get it all over and done with as quickly as you can, so that you can live your life without be blamed for everything. You'll feel great without it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigbassett Posted March 20, 2016 Author Share Posted March 20, 2016 I tried really hard to make things work. I'm not sure what the emotions are I'm feeling. Just a whole mixed bag of stuff. I sometimes wonder if me trying prevented her from physically leaving. Looking back now, she left emotionally, and just became really selfish. I do feel like a chump. I figure that I will tell her that I know when all is done and I move her last box out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 I tried really hard to make things work. I'm not sure what the emotions are I'm feeling. Just a whole mixed bag of stuff. I sometimes wonder if me trying prevented her from physically leaving. Looking back now, she left emotionally, and just became really selfish. I do feel like a chump. I figure that I will tell her that I know when all is done and I move her last box out. You're not a chump. You did what seemed like the right thing to do at the time. There's no shame in that. Your feelings will gradually untangle, and you'll reach a point of peace with it all: "Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity." When I look back at my life I wouldn't change a thing, because all that happened brought me to where I am now, which is a very happy state. Your point of peace is waiting for you in the future. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 It honestly doesn't matter, anymore in the grand scheme of things. If she was doing things online before the separation, then leaving is even more of the right thing to do. I say to view it as a sign that ending the marriage is the wise choice. I know you might be hurt, but again...it's over, use that energy for your own life now, not looking back at a person that you no longer really know. Good luck to you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigbassett Posted March 20, 2016 Author Share Posted March 20, 2016 This is somewhat complicated but here goes. Before we were married 5 years ago my wife had this online thing with a married man a long distance away. He was leaving really sappy stuff on her facebook pictures under a different name (so his wife would not see). He and the woman I eventually married actually met somehow many years before and developed a strong relationship. He actually met each other in SanFran at least once before we were married. She indicated nothing physical happened, but he wanted to, ya whatever. However, my wife was showing me her facebook just before we were married and I noticed a message from the guys wife asking her to stay away. That they were working out issues. She replied and said that it was her husband pursing her. Before we were married I asked her to cut off all ties with this guy and she did...mostly. As we started to hit rough patches she would reach out to him. Nothing but pleasant chat. However, as things deteriorated in our relationship this year I notice the messages have become increasingly sappy, and loving. We separated but she would come here in the evenings and you'd see these messages and she was clearly having an online affair with this guy. We decided to end things and she has purchased a ticket to meet up with him in California for 6 days. I told her that she should stay away from him out of respect for his wife. She told me they were divorced. A quick look online says they're still married. I feel so sorry for the wife and this guy has been a thorn in my side my entire marriage. He comes across as this really nice kind guy, but if you google his alias you see slimy pictures of him obviously cheating. My wife seems smitten with this guy for whatever reason and is willing to participate in the destruction of a family unit. What would you do? Email the wife and tell her...or stay out of it cause other than getting satisfaction of exposing him again I have nothing to gain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 If you were his wife would you want to know? Do it so that she'll know what's going on, not because you want revenge. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Since she asked your wife to stay away from her husband, years ago, I think it's fair to give his wife a heads up and say you and your wife are not together anymore, let her know what's going on. It is possible that they are still married, or maybe divorced yet nothing has been changed on facebook... Either way, it wouldn't be a total shock coming out of left field, she was aware her H has cheated on her in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 you stated that you have decided to end your relationship so what kind of words of encouragement do you want? If you have mutually decided to end the relationship...then end it. It really doesn't matter if she is playing around on a dating site or not. You are finished....proceed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Well one thing. You at least have a chip in your corner. If she would start in on you about being a lousy husband and blaming you for all the problems, you could look at her and say that at least you were faithful and unload on her BUT, that and two bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Your marriage to her is almost done, just move on and get your life squared away and enjoy yourself. You only go around once so make the best of it. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I couldnt pass this up. Tell the wife, when your soon to be X is in flight to CA. And tell the wife she is on her way to rendezvous with her husband. She will be waiting at the airport a long, long time. Ruthless, but hey, karma is otherwise known as revenge. I suppose you could just let it go and enjoy your life. Sorry (not really) if people think thats a little mean. Life is good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 She's not your problem anymore, but out of respect for the other betrayed spouse, tell her, she deserves to know just how big a POS her husband is. Let her know when their planning to meet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 This is somewhat complicated but here goes. Before we were married 5 years ago my wife had this online thing with a married man a long distance away. He was leaving really sappy stuff on her facebook pictures under a different name (so his wife would not see). He and the woman I eventually married actually met somehow many years before and developed a strong relationship. He actually met each other in SanFran at least once before we were married. She indicated nothing physical happened, but he wanted to, ya whatever. However, my wife was showing me her facebook just before we were married and I noticed a message from the guys wife asking her to stay away. That they were working out issues. She replied and said that it was her husband pursing her. Before we were married I asked her to cut off all ties with this guy and she did...mostly. As we started to hit rough patches she would reach out to him. Nothing but pleasant chat. However, as things deteriorated in our relationship this year I notice the messages have become increasingly sappy, and loving. We separated but she would come here in the evenings and you'd see these messages and she was clearly having an online affair with this guy. We decided to end things and she has purchased a ticket to meet up with him in California for 6 days. I told her that she should stay away from him out of respect for his wife. She told me they were divorced. A quick look online says they're still married. I feel so sorry for the wife and this guy has been a thorn in my side my entire marriage. He comes across as this really nice kind guy, but if you google his alias you see slimy pictures of him obviously cheating. My wife seems smitten with this guy for whatever reason and is willing to participate in the destruction of a family unit. What would you do? Email the wife and tell her...or stay out of it cause other than getting satisfaction of exposing him again I have nothing to gain. Tell. Hes a jerkface and your wife deserves it. Frankly they deserve each other and the wife deserves the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 YES. Please tell her. If they are divorced..it won't be a problem now will it. I'd want to know and I'm sure other married people would want to know if their spouse was meeting up like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 However, my wife was showing me her facebook just before we were married and I noticed a message from the guys wife asking her to stay away. That they were working out issues. She replied and said that it was her husband pursing her. .... Before we were married I asked her to cut off all ties with this guy and she did...mostly. As we started to hit rough patches she would reach out to him. Nothing but pleasant chat. ... What would you do? Email the wife and tell her...or stay out of it cause other than getting satisfaction of exposing him again I have nothing to gain. Because the wife already knows that her husband cheated, calling her may only embarrass her further. It may give you some satisfaction, but why hurt this woman any further? Personally, I don't think that women and men can be friends, unless it is a couples friend type of situation. I had an affair and the woman I had the affair with started out as a friend. Now I never have women friends with whom I meet alone for coffee or talk with on the phone. It's just too risky, IMO. My wife and I socialize as a couple. This knowledge is something you can move forward to a new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
puzzleddad67 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 It does get better. It takes time. Id guess she was cheating. Sorry, your story looks like a million others here and other boards. My wife had a boyfriend. The people here told me she did long before I suspected. I only found out because my kid asked why mom had a second phone. Listen to the people here, they know what they are talking about. In the end, not handing lawyers half before you give her half is a win. I was lucky as heck with my ex on that. Get a big TV and a cool sound system then watch some man movies. Enjoy time that was hers that is now yours again. Besides things blowing up on a 4K TV with a giant sub making the sound, I took up hiking and photography besides my old stand byes of golf and fishing. No substitute for time. Even a month ago I wanted NOTHING to do with a date. Not actually looking to date, but oddly Im no longer completely opposed to it. I know that statistically I will date and marry again. That no longer gives me a bad feeling, just a mental shrug now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Keep it to yourself until the divorce is final. The only people who benefit from a contested divorce are the two lawyers. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her once the divorce is final. You can always tell BW you kris covered this communication while going through old messages on the phone/computer. I know this isn't 100% honesty with BW but at least you'll have clued her in. Don't know what the law is wherever you live concerning setting aside property settlements but ask your lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 My first response was prior to any revelations of an affair and, with that under consideration, my advice would mirror that immediately above, mums the word until the court dissolution seal is on the case file. For now, all smiles and amicable behavior. You may find, with that habit begun, when the seal is on, it won't matter and you can keep smiling. I did. Heh. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 sounds like you are getting out in the knick of time. but your 2nd divorce....you are choosing the wrong women. try to look inside to see why you are picking these unworthy ones for a partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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