"Here's a video of myself--the real me"

[burnt]

It was exactly three years ago today. March 20th 2013.

 

His first confession; first email explicitly saying he had feelings for me.

My first time--reading words from a man, expressing emotions.

At age 33, married, but for the first time in my life, hearing a man actually liked me.

 

He opened the door. In return, I confessed that I had felt the same but concealed it all along.

 

Then we agreed we couldn't act on them--we were both married.

We would be JUST friends. I was beyond happy that I finally had a friend to talk to. A complete loner like me, a hermit, a social outcast--finally having a friend.

 

I believed what he said--"just friends". I didn't realize he had a different plan.

Stupid. Clueless.

 

And as a friend, I sent him an email with a joke:

saying "Here's a video of myself--the real me". My corny sense of humor.

 

I sent him the link:

 

So, exactly three years after the start of the worst HELL in my life,

I look back at it and it appears that my own joke was on me after all.

As it turns out, the video REALLY does depict me so well now.

 

This is what I now look like, sound like, and feel like.

The words in the song couldn't describe how I feel any more accurately.

 

So, now when I see the words "OW/OM", what I picture is this video, not the more popular image of Glenn Close boiling bunnies.

 

So, at my three year anniversary of a living inferno,

I now dedicate this video to all the OW and OM like me with the lost souls out there.

 

Hope to be able to end the mind's circus sometime soon.

[minimariah]

burnt, hugs!

 

you have a beautiful way with words, i always thought you were a writer or a poet!

[privategal]

Hi Burnt has your affair been over for 3 years?

I feel like AM I crazy now? Ruined for life? Do I look 10 years older than my age? I havent slept in a week.

If you truly are 3 years out Im worried this hell will hold me hostage like this too.

I cant believe I did this to myself for nothing.

Its like heres a temporary heaven and after you get to get cast out into the worst hell you could ever imagine.

[burnt]

burnt, hugs!

 

you have a beautiful way with words, i always thought you were a writer or a poet!

 

Ditto Kiddo!

Thank you. And the same to you, minimariah. I too always love to read your posts--not just expressive, but always very thoughtful.

[burnt]

Hi Burnt has your affair been over for 3 years?

I feel like AM I crazy now? Ruined for life? Do I look 10 years older than my age? I havent slept in a week.

If you truly are 3 years out Im worried this hell will hold me hostage like this too.

I cant believe I did this to myself for nothing.

Its like heres a temporary heaven and after you get to get cast out into the worst hell you could ever imagine.

 

Privategal,

No, it's been 3 years since the start of the affair.

Maybe the actual affair actually lasted only a single day

But then it was dragged on and off, and continued on with the daily push-pull "let's start-again--no wait--let's stop again" game for a long time.

 

I have been in complete NC with him for a year a half now.

 

I feel like I haven't slept for three years.

 

I haven't had any outlet or any support system. My life was hanging by a thread before the affair to begin with. So, that has something to do with taking this big a toll on me and this long to find any sight of light.

 

Your story is heart-breaking; being on this roller-coaster for 15 years is a VERY long time. The sheer length of time does such an immense damage.

It will take you some time for you to heal. But reading in between the various posts you have written, even if you're not feeling it, you actually are showing the subtle signs of healing already. So, do be gentle with yourself.

 

You or others may disagree with me on this but I don't think it's right for you to say

"I cant believe I did this to myself for nothing."

You didn't do this to yourself 100%. I don't see things in such black and white colors.

 

It's not a matter finding who to blame for all this mess: but rather an opportunity to recognize that it's not one person who's responsible, but life's circumstances have played a role in this misery too.

[Babsinhealing]

It was exactly three years ago today. March 20th 2013.

 

His first confession; first email explicitly saying he had feelings for me.

My first time--reading words from a man, expressing emotions.

At age 33, married, but for the first time in my life, hearing a man actually liked me.

 

He opened the door. In return, I confessed that I had felt the same but concealed it all along.

 

Then we agreed we couldn't act on them--we were both married.

We would be JUST friends. I was beyond happy that I finally had a friend to talk to. A complete loner like me, a hermit, a social outcast--finally having a friend.

 

I believed what he said--"just friends". I didn't realize he had a different plan.

Stupid. Clueless.

 

And as a friend, I sent him an email with a joke:

saying "Here's a video of myself--the real me". My corny sense of humor.

 

I sent him the link:

 

So, exactly three years after the start of the worst HELL in my life,

I look back at it and it appears that my own joke was on me after all.

As it turns out, the video REALLY does depict me so well now.

 

This is what I now look like, sound like, and feel like.

The words in the song couldn't describe how I feel any more accurately.

 

So, now when I see the words "OW/OM", what I picture is this video, not the more popular image of Glenn Close boiling bunnies.

 

So, at my three year anniversary of a living inferno,

I now dedicate this video to all the OW and OM like me with the lost souls out there.

 

Hope to be able to end the mind's circus sometime soon.

Thank you for sharing, burnt. Like Privategal I'm so worried that three years out I will still be trying to move forward or still unhappy. I keep telling myself it will get easier and time will heal but I read so many posts of OW/OM still struggling after YEARS! How do I prevent that? In retrospect for all of you still hurting, pining, grieving, whatever after years... What would you have done differently to prevent this pain years after the A ended. I'm trying so hard to do everything "right" but I'm worried I will never really be right again.

 

Also, I assume healing is different for everyone depending on the circumstances and ending of the A - mine was probably the best case scenario (19 month blissful A that ended only because we got caught, mutually cared for each other and never shared a harsh word, I ended it, Went NC, kind and considerate ending (no ghosting or anger)). Perhaps A that end badly with lots of anger, deceit, fake futuring are harder to get over? I'm just trying to prepare myself and if I'm still going to feel like I'm dying inside 3 years from now- give me the exhaust pipe to my car now!

[Outofmysystem]

((((Burnt))))

 

I've always enjoyed your posts, you seem to have to perfect answer on the MOW side and, it helps guys like me, MOM have.....perhaps.....some insight to the thoughts on the other side......although my roles were reversed in my A at the end, her acting like most typically described MM on here, it still helps none the less.....just so you know....

 

Your not alone in your thoughts or feelings, I suffer right along with you.....not that that helps other than, we understand.....

 

Here's to taking a break from your mind for just a bit.....you deserve it.

[Popsicle]

FYI, this is me.

 

Animal

[privategal]

Privategal,

No, it's been 3 years since the start of the affair.

Maybe the actual affair actually lasted only a single day

But then it was dragged on and off, and continued on with the daily push-pull "let's start-again--no wait--let's stop again" game for a long time.

 

I have been in complete NC with him for a year a half now.

 

I feel like I haven't slept for three years.

 

I haven't had any outlet or any support system. My life was hanging by a thread before the affair to begin with. So, that has something to do with taking this big a toll on me and this long to find any sight of light.

 

Your story is heart-breaking; being on this roller-coaster for 15 years is a VERY long time. The sheer length of time does such an immense damage.

It will take you some time for you to heal. But reading in between the various posts you have written, even if you're not feeling it, you actually are showing the subtle signs of healing already. So, do be gentle with yourself.

 

You or others may disagree with me on this but I don't think it's right for you to say

"I cant believe I did this to myself for nothing."

You didn't do this to yourself 100%. I don't see things in such black and white colors.

 

It's not a matter finding who to blame for all this mess: but rather an opportunity to recognize that it's not one person who's responsible, but life's circumstances have played a role in this misery too.

Thank you Burnt, I appreciate your insight and believe healing for you and all if us is possible.

I truly looked like a bunny boiler with the wa I raged in multiple emails at the end filled with venom but not one said I wanted him back.

Its the true hate thats my heaviest thing to move on from as its weighing on me, he burned the bridge...I took a dinosaur sized hose and blew every trace of its existence away so there isnt a shred to rebuild from.

I sadly should be a professional griever, Im getting super good at it.

I pray with the warm summer days coming that I could expedite some of thus pain and turn a corner.

I hope you can too as it does appear that in A, back out, back in is the thing that really weakens and wears you down.

Thank you for your story!

[burnt]

FYI, this is me.

 

Animal

 

LOL.

I love the entire muppet show.

 

Is that why your avatar has a red hair?

[burnt]

((((Burnt))))

 

I've always enjoyed your posts, you seem to have to perfect answer on the MOW side and, it helps guys like me, MOM have.....perhaps.....some insight to the thoughts on the other side......although my roles were reversed in my A at the end, her acting like most typically described MM on here, it still helps none the less.....just so you know....

 

OutOfSystem, thank you so much. Your words are always very kind.

I'm sorry for all the pain you have been going through.

The gender is irrelevant when it comes to feeling pain.

How are you holding up? Are you seeing yourself healing (even if it's by a small amount)?

 

Your not alone in your thoughts or feelings, I suffer right along with you.....not that that helps other than, we understand.....

 

Actually you know what--it DOES help tremendously. It is actually the best thing that really helps--to know there are others like you who understand what I have been going through and that the others are also going through a similar experience.

 

Here's to taking a break from your mind for just a bit.....you deserve it.

 

Thank you. And you too.

Yes, the way I feel drained is just too much; it's been going on for so long now.

[Gloria25]

Hi Burnt,

 

Thank you for sharing with us. I didn't have an "affair" per se, but went through two years of a lot of ups, downs, and disappointments...

 

I am really praying that your day will come, the day when the thought of this MM is no more to you.

 

I pray for it because, the pain isn't worth it. If something/someone is causing you so much pain, it can't be in your life. Think of it as hitting your head against a wall. It hurts, no? But the pain won't stop until you stop hitting your head against a wall.

 

Is it going to be easy, no. It will not.

 

I know it's harder when the MM won't let you be and keeps on reaching out to you. I believe that a clean break is what helped me move on in past break ups - even with my FWB, who was married. Cuz when it was over with him, it was "over". I didn't hear from him again. Yes, I was upset for a while, but moved on. But, with my neighbor, it's like a bandaid that I put on, then it gets ripped off again, I put it back on, then it gets ripped off again.

 

So, I know people on this MB say that my neighbor isn't into me and whatever, but I'm not delusional and/or a fool. They don't know what its like when you're trying to let go and the MM gives you a glimmer of "hope" to rope you back in....OR WORST, in my situation, I'm done and given up on any chance of him being with me...but, what upsets me is him still obsessed with me and not wanting to leave her. Him prancing around in front of me with "her" and riding off into the sunset while I'm portrayed as the "evil, lonely hag who tried to destroy a happy home" when quite frankly, he's learned so much from me that it actually strengthened their marriage if you ask me.

 

You feel discarded and "used". You feel like "crap". You want validation that he (even she) doesn't think the worst of you, that it wasn't all in your head, that he actually did feel "something" for you.

 

But Burnt, it isn't worth it. If something is causing you pain, let it go...I know its harder when they may have said or done things that meant a lot to you. I know its even harder when they reach out to you and you think you got a chance again....but think about it, if you (or me, or any other OW) isn't with him permanently by now then it ain't gonna happen. Don't pay attention to a THING they do. Don't go back in time and try to make sense of what they did/didn't do cuz at the end of the day, the MM is with the BS and that's where they wanna be.

 

I know it hurts what I just said, and please don't think it has any bearing on you. In my situation, I know I don't know what goes behind closed doors, but from what I see on the outside he's got a lot of issues and their marriage isn't solid and his decision to be with her, IMO, has no bearing on my worth. But, it makes me sad not cuz I don't know what I'm worth, but I fear that guys now a days are not into what I have to offer. My fav podcaster had a young woman who she gave a pep talk to. She had to remind her that cuz she's "different" and a strong woman, it's gonna be harder to find a guy strong enough for her. And, it's not like I'm trying to put down anyone, but I AM a strong woman and it hasn't been easy for me either to meet a strong man.

 

You're wonderful...you are. The MM coming back to validate you and/or the promises he made and/or you thought he'd promise isn't worth the pain. You are beautiful, you have a lot to offer...who cares if the MM recognizes it or not.

 

Time to let go and let it be. A fresh, clean start is what is needed. Yes, it's gonna hurt like heck cuz its like going cold turkey, but you'll survive.

 

Take care and **hugs**

[Outofmysystem]

Burnt, I'm ok lately I guess.....I have a couple of friends that know about the affair now, and although it's like playing the last 6 years over again like your favorite movie every time we talk about it, and hating it at the same time, it's cheaper than therapy....lol....

 

But seriously, it helps....and the advice they give is right out of a "best of" post here in the OM/OW forum.....don't contact her, don't buy her anything, don't text, call....yada, yada.....problem as of late though is we have mutual friends that she texts and talks too, and that know but she doesn't know they know, if you follow me.....so I've kept up with what's going on with her through those conversations, group texts (like one I'm in today which is hard to stay out of) and through her Facebook......I know I shouldn't give a ****, really.....she ended it, not me.....and she did it calling herself [] "cold hearted []", I didn't, she did....but I struggle, I really do because I love(ed) her and even though it's been 6 months since we've been together, and 3 months since I've seen her, it's still hard to not think about her....

 

Now I know I shouldn't be doing the limited contact that I'm doing, but I can't help it.....maybe down the road with more time gone by...

Edited March 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[burnt]

I have a couple of friends that know about the affair now, and although it's like playing the last 6 years over again like your favorite movie every time we talk about it, and hating it at the same time, it's cheaper than therapy....lol....

 

Having some close friends who know you who you can talk to about such a sensitive matter is a very good thing to have. That's a huge plus.

But, you said jokingly "cheaper than therapy…": does that mean you aren't seeing a therapist?

 

problem as of late though is we have mutual friends that she texts and talks too, and that know but she doesn't know they know, if you follow me.....so I've kept up with what's going on with her through those conversations, group texts (like one I'm in today which is hard to stay out of) and through her Facebook

 

Oh NO.

That's really bad. The thing is your mind will naturally will want to 'follow' her, wondering what she's up to. Sadly all it does it that it keeps you in the hole you are trying to get out of.

 

My xMM put his family photos (with happy family kids and him kissing his wife and his wife dancing in a party); against my better judgement, I visit the public photos, and before I know it, I'm worse than ever. Stupid me, but can't help it.

 

Can you ask your friends to NOT tell you anything about her, EVEN if you ask them. Tell them that knowing what she's up to is only keeping your emotional attachment to her alive and stopping you from healing.

 

but I struggle, I really do because I love(ed) her and even though it's been 6 months since we've been together, and 3 months since I've seen her, it's still hard to not think about her....

 

Wow; can I relate to what you said above!!

"I struggle" is an understatement.

 

P.S.

I ABSOLUTELY love you avatar. My favorite one in the site.

It's a viscerally melancholic but beautifully emotional image.

[burnt]

Hi Gloria,

Thank you so much for your very compassionate and encouraging words.

You have always written to me with kindness since I joined the site and I really appreciate your thoughts and good wishes.

 

Everything you wrote is absolutely right; intellectually I understand it all and agree with it all; accepting them emotionally is when it gets so hard.

I know I must let go, but something stubborn inside isn't letting him go, even after so much time has passed. I truly am tired; you're right, it's exactly like I'm banging my own head against the wall, causing my own pain all along, and yet still continuing it.

 

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to try to let go of your neighbor; him being so close to where you live must make forgetting him hard. It doesn't help to see him happy with his family. It just makes it harder to forget the person and move on. Your analogy of bandaid getting put and ripped off again and again says it all so accurately.

 

It is that feeling of "used" is what gets replayed when you have to see him again and again.

 

I wish I could take a pill to wipe out my memories of him all together.

Wishful thinking.

 

I'm sorry for your own struggles with your neighbor MM; I hope you find the peace of mind to move on soon as well.

 

Again thank you for your kind words.

I wish you all the best as well.

 

Kind regards and hugs.

~Burnt

[LivingWaterPlease]

And as a friend, I sent him an email with a joke:

saying "Here's a video of myself--the real me". My corny sense of humor.

 

I sent him the link:

.

 

 

How are you doing today, burnt? After watching the video I have played Windmills of My Mind about 180,000 times on youtube by about three different artists...never cared for the song before and now can't get enough of it...

[Outofmysystem]

Burnt, how are you?.....glad you like the Avatar, when I first signed on here after spending days reading about affairs and ending affairs till my eyes were sizzling, I Google searched for "sad, lost people" pictures for it.....after looking at a bunch, I settled on that one.....the guy looks just like what I felt, shredded and lost and torn......the first few months were unreal and I really didn't think I would ever feel different then that......

 

Then as much as I like to joke about time not healing anything, it's a magazine....it really does help.....that said

 

The memories, the feelings, love if you will still sit inside your heart and head and won't fully let you go......yes, I COULD ask my mutual friends to NOT tell me what's going on with her, and not follow her on social media, but I can't stop right now.....I just can't......call it setting yourself back, holding on, crumb seeking.....we've all read them here, and I know the healing of NC, but there is also such a silent pain that goes along with it, that like a drug addict trying to kick the habit, I need something to help with the letting go.....

 

I know there is a weakness that comes with that, but I just can't go 100% right now......