Need another perspective on communication issue [in LDR]....am I being ridiculous?

[hippychick3]

Okay, this is my first thread I've started here...I'm a little nervous.

 

Please tell me if I'm being reasonable or ridiculous and how to go about this. I know already that I'm going to feel silly for typing this out, but it is probably my biggest issue in an otherwise great relationship.

 

A little background: we met and started dating over 2 1/2 years ago when he was living in my town. 3 months after we began dating, he was transferred by his job to a town about 3 hours away. I didn't expect us to stay together, but we did. We had already grown quite attached before he left and the distance just strengthened our bond. We see each other every other week which works out because I have custody of my children every other week. They are my priority, and I'm not looking for a stepfather for them. We alternate visits with each other. We have communicated daily throughout the day every single day since we've met. We plan and take vacations together and are part of each others groups of friends and family now. When my youngest graduates high school, I will move to where he is as we both prefer that area. Overall, we are both very happy and content in the relationship...we would prefer to be already living together but are independent enough and committed enough to wait it out.

 

So, the problem for me is when he is out with his friends, coworkers at a work function, or brothers, sometimes I won't hear from him for hours. It's not an issue of trust...I don't in any way suspect cheating or lying. I trust him 100% and know he is a really good guy. I know where he is and who is he is with anytime he goes out. I also know from him and others that he talks about me a lot when he is with others and not texting me. If I contact him, he will always respond. But, I rarely do this as a I don't want to contact him when he's out with others. I want him to be the one to just reach out and say hi or touch base with me after a few hours as I do when I'm out with friends or family. Sometimes he does, and others times he doesn't. Last night he was grilling and drinking at his brother's house with his brothers and a few friends. Earlier in the day he was sending me pictures of his niece and nephew. Then, I didn't hear from him for 6 hours and by 10:30pm, I sent him a short goodnight text. He immediately asked why I was mad. I didn't answer as I didn't want to get into it then. A couple hours later he sent me a sweet goodnight text when he went to bed and then another this morning when he woke up. I responded shortly as I am bothered by not hearing from him for so long last night. When I don't hear from him, I feel like I'm not important to him. Am I expecting too much? Being too needy?

 

I will say that I don't come across as needy in the relationship and will completely withdraw (which I know is not healthy) when I feel like my needs aren't being met. I admit I have a problem with communicating when I'm hurt. Fortunately, my boyfriend is a chaser. So when I withdraw, he chases...which is a dynamic that has worked for us but am not sure if it's healthy. In the end, we are able to resolve most problems. But this one, we don't agree on. I know he doesn't intentionally not contact me. He just is absorbed in conversation and doesn't think to initiate contact. The most unhealthy part of this is that he has resorted to hardly ever going out now to avoid this issue. Most of his weekends alone, he will not go out at all. I know that when or if I bring this up, he will say "see, this is why I never go out anymore."

 

I need another outside perspective here. I recognize I have some emotional baggage here. I'm putting on my thick skin now....

Edited March 20, 2016 by hippychick3

[d0nnivain]

In this age of instant communication 6 hours can feel like a long time. I guess if it were me, if I knew my SO was out with friends, I wouldn't expect to hear from him at all or maybe a good night text that shows up after I was asleep.

 

 

When DH goes away on business trips, we have a system. These trips are usually at least a month. I try to go there on weekends but can't always get away. Anyway, we talk on the phone around 5:30. . . immediately after work but before he goes to happy hour or for dinner with his colleagues. I'll shoot him a good night text when I am going to sleep. If he's free he calls. If he's out, I don't hear from him. He texts good night when he gets in but I don't usually see that until morning.

 

 

Can you two come up with a similar plan of your own that fits your needs & curbs your anxiety?

[hippychick3]

In this age of instant communication 6 hours can feel like a long time. I guess if it were me, if I knew my SO was out with friends, I wouldn't expect to hear from him at all or maybe a good night text that shows up after I was asleep.

 

 

When DH goes away on business trips, we have a system. These trips are usually at least a month. I try to go there on weekends but can't always get away. Anyway, we talk on the phone around 5:30. . . immediately after work but before he goes to happy hour or for dinner with his colleagues. I'll shoot him a good night text when I am going to sleep. If he's free he calls. If he's out, I don't hear from him. He texts good night when he gets in but I don't usually see that until morning.

 

 

Can you two come up with a similar plan of your own that fits your needs & curbs your anxiety?

 

Well, he always will text me goodnight regardless of where he is or what he's doing. Generally speaking, the expectation is whoever goes to bed first will say goodnight (usually it is him). But, the last time he was out at a work function a few months ago, I was upset not hearing from him for several hours and went to bed without saying goodnight. He eventually texted me goodnight when he went to bed and was hurt the next day knowing I had just gone to bed without saying anything.

 

I honestly don't know how to quell the anxiety. A simple kiss or hello after a few hours is all I want, which he will more often than not do. But, it's the times he doesn't do it that create the anxiety. I really don't want to feel it. I'm not necessarily blaming him for it...but, I'm unsure how to go about ridding myself of it.

[OneLov]

You mentioned this "chase" dynamic that has existed throughout your entire relationship. Is it that this "game" has now become a test that you use to gauge his feelings? Is it you worry that he will not be responsive if you discuss your insecurities with him?

[carhill]

So, what do you feel is the emotional baggage which impacts this interaction and apparent dissimilarity in communication style?

 

Secondarily, what do you propose as a solution which respects both of your styles of communication?

 

Lastly, is this a marriage and family type progression? You mentioned that you have joint custody of your children and you're not looking for a stepfather and have chosen to live separately for the time being. Normally I'd opine no rush but it appears you've already walked that path, dating for over 2 years. What do you envision occurring? I'm mentioning this because compatible communication styles are important in a marriage, not only 'checking in' but in general. I'd put communication right up there with children, family and money.

 

Do you feel you're being ridiculous? Myself, I view questioning interactions with the focus on learning and resolution as healthy.

[hippychick3]

You mentioned this "chase" dynamic that has existed throughout your entire relationship. Is it that this "game" has now become a test that you use to gauge his feelings? Is it you worry that he will not be responsive if you discuss your insecurities with him?

 

It may subconsciously be a "game" to gauge his feelings. It definitely reinforces for me his love when he chases after me. There are childhood issues in play that cause me to question commitments.

 

When I've discussed my insecurities with him, he is not very good at seeing things objectively. He will become defensive because of how much he has done for me. He doesn't see those reassurances I need as markers of his commitment and love for me.

 

I know that my withdrawal is probably a passive-aggressive way of getting attention.

[hippychick3]

So, what do you feel is the emotional baggage which impacts this interaction and apparent dissimilarity in communication style?

 

Secondarily, what do you propose as a solution which respects both of your styles of communication?

 

Lastly, is this a marriage and family type progression? You mentioned that you have joint custody of your children and you're not looking for a stepfather and have chosen to live separately for the time being. Normally I'd opine no rush but it appears you've already walked that path, dating for over 2 years. What do you envision occurring? I'm mentioning this because compatible communication styles are important in a marriage, not only 'checking in' but in general. I'd put communication right up there with children, family and money.

 

Do you feel you're being ridiculous? Myself, I view questioning interactions with the focus on learning and resolution as healthy.

 

The emotional baggage is not growing up with a father and not feeling like the most important person to anyone. I have a need to feel like I'm the most important person to my bf.

 

As far as a solution, I'm not sure...I know he will "check in" if I outright ask him to. And, he will if and when he remembers to do so. But, I would prefer to not ask him to do this if it makes me appear needy or insecure.

 

As far as relationship progression goes, I'm finished having children and am in no rush to get married again. I was married for a long time to a controlling and suffocating person. I absolutely cherish and appreciate my "freedom" now. Eventually, I'd like to get married again but I feel like we are committed to each other already. When we are physically together, we rarely argue or fight.

 

Honestly, I do feel ridiculous but don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[losangelena]

Hrm ...

 

This may sound counterintuitive, but your BF is not going to be able to quell your relationship anxiety. I understand that you want to feel like you're the most important person to him (and let's get real, you probably are), but I don't think that feeling will come by him making sure he texts you within three hours, do you know what I mean?

 

I don't know, HC3. I do think your expectations are a bit ... unrealistic. I think your passive-aggressive withdrawal strategy is unhealthy, and it's extremely unfair that he feels he needs to limit his social contact on weekends in order to make sure he remembers to text you. What is he supposed to text you about if he's sitting at home alone? I think this is the most disturbing aspect to your whole issue.

 

I understand your desire for communication. But I don't think you're going about it in a very good way. I can also understand his tendency to get defensive, and I don't blame him. You're putting the burden of relieving your anxiety on him, and it's not really his to alleviate.

 

I hate to trot out the whole therapist line, but do you have one? They may be able to help you sort through your childhood issues, not to mention giving you tools to cope with your anxiety and to self-sooth, so that your BF doesn't have to twist himself in a pretzel or chase you down. It's not his responsibility to make sure you feel a certain way, especially since you say the rest of your relationship is good.

 

Clearly this method isn't working, so you need to go about it a different way.

[preraph]

I think you're being unreasonable and needy. He's being a good boyfriend but it seems you are never satisfied. I think people should be able to go six hours without texting. If he tells you where he's going, I don't see why he should have to tell you again in the middle of it.

 

How long until your kid is 18 and you can move? Listen, this guy is going much further than most guys would go to stay in touch and make you feel loved and all this long distance and traveling. Do not run him off by never being satisfied. His efforts should be rewarded by you trusting him for a few hours every now and then.

[hippychick3]

Hrm ...

 

This may sound counterintuitive, but your BF is not going to be able to quell your relationship anxiety. I understand that you want to feel like you're the most important person to him (and let's get real, you probably are), but I don't think that feeling will come by him making sure he texts you within three hours, do you know what I mean?

 

I don't know, HC3. I do think your expectations are a bit ... unrealistic. I think your passive-aggressive withdrawal strategy is unhealthy, and it's extremely unfair that he feels he needs to limit his social contact on weekends in order to make sure he remembers to text you. What is he supposed to text you about if he's sitting at home alone? I think this is the most disturbing aspect to your whole issue.

 

I understand your desire for communication. But I don't think you're going about it in a very good way. I can also understand his tendency to get defensive, and I don't blame him. You're putting the burden of relieving your anxiety on him, and it's not really his to alleviate.

 

I hate to trot out the whole therapist line, but do you have one? They may be able to help you sort through your childhood issues, not to mention giving you tools to cope with your anxiety and to self-sooth, so that your BF doesn't have to twist himself in a pretzel or chase you down. It's not his responsibility to make sure you feel a certain way, especially since you say the rest of your relationship is good.

 

Clearly this method isn't working, so you need to go about it a different way.

 

I understand it's not his responsibility to relieve my anxiety or make sure I feel a certain way. My emotions are mine to deal with. I really was trying to get feedback on whether or not my expectations were reasonable or not. I do not expect nor have I asked him to stay home on account of my issues. I do not want him to be resentful of me in any way so I actually do encourage him to spend time with his friends and family.

 

I have seen a therapist in the past when going through marriage issues. I'm actually in the field and ironically often help others like me deal with these issues. However, like a brain surgeon cannot perform brain surgery on himself, I cannot get a good perspective on my own situation. I would not be opposed to getting therapy to help me cope with unnecessary anxiety. However, I am also here to really figure out if I'm being unreasonable in my expectations or not. Thank you for your perspective. That's very helpful!

[hippychick3]

I think you're being unreasonable and needy. He's being a good boyfriend but it seems you are never satisfied. I think people should be able to go six hours without texting. If he tells you where he's going, I don't see why he should have to tell you again in the middle of it.

 

How long until your kid is 18 and you can move? Listen, this guy is going much further than most guys would go to stay in touch and make you feel loved and all this long distance and traveling. Do not run him off by never being satisfied. His efforts should be rewarded by you trusting him for a few hours every now and then.

 

Thank you for your honest, albeit a bit harsh, perspective. I really do appreciate it. I certainly do trust him and love him and do not want to push him away in any way.

[William]

Noting this posting relates to a long distance relationship and the issues particular to that type of interaction, I moved the thread from GRD to our LDR forum and appended the title. Please continue!

[hippychick3]

Noting this posting relates to a long distance relationship and the issues particular to that type of interaction, I moved the thread from GRD to our LDR forum and appended the title. Please continue!

 

I had originally not put it here because I didn't feel my issues were related to the LDR part of the relationship as these issues were present before the relationship became LD.

 

But, if you still want it moved here, that's fine.

[losangelena]

However, I am also here to really figure out if I'm being unreasonable in my expectations or not.

 

In that case, yes I do think your expectations are unreasonable, for all the reasons I stated above.

[hippychick3]

In that case, yes I do think your expectations are unreasonable, for all the reasons I stated above.

 

This thread helped in my conversation with my boyfriend today. I appreciate the feedback.

[OneLov]

Op,

 

In short. Yes, your expectations actions are reasonable. I can tell you from first-hand experience. Eventually, he feel a fundamental lack of trust. This will be followed by massive frustration and then hopelessness. He will then begin to emotionally disengage from you. But good news is you can change your behavior.

 

The reward pathways in our brains are directly related to motivation and behavior. So if you indeed trust him like you say, could this anxiety come from the suspense of your brain receiving its reward of pleasure chemicals as you await his text? If you really believe his feelings are true, then maybe it is just about the challenge/conquest/reward your brain has associated with receiving the validation text?

[hippychick3]

Op,

 

In short. Yes, your expectations actions are reasonable. I can tell you from first-hand experience. Eventually, he feel a fundamental lack of trust. This will be followed by massive frustration and then hopelessness. He will then begin to emotionally disengage from you. But good news is you can change your behavior.

 

The reward pathways in our brains are directly related to motivation and behavior. So if you indeed trust him like you say, could this anxiety come from the suspense of your brain receiving its reward of pleasure chemicals as you await his text? If you really believe his feelings are true, then maybe it is just about the challenge/conquest/reward your brain has associated with receiving the validation text?

 

It might be that...that's a valid explanation. I do trust him, and he knows I do. I can see that he sometimes is frustrated about the situation, and I don't want him to be. I want us both to always feel trusted, content, and anxiety-free in our relationship.

[rester]

I've had issues similar to this in my own relationship, and coming from the boyfriend's perspective, you're going to push him away with behavior like this. If he can't go out with friends or family for six hours without having to text you, he's going to start feeling like he has a leash on him.

 

Sometimes in a group setting it's plain rude to pull out a phone and send a text.

 

I agree with donnivain about coming up with a mutually acceptable plan, but if he's busy in a social situation, I don't think it's reasonable to have him have to interrupt things to send a text.

[hippychick3]

I've had issues similar to this in my own relationship, and coming from the boyfriend's perspective, you're going to push him away with behavior like this. If he can't go out with friends or family for six hours without having to text you, he's going to start feeling like he has a leash on him.

 

Sometimes in a group setting it's plain rude to pull out a phone and send a text.

 

I agree with donnivain about coming up with a mutually acceptable plan, but if he's busy in a social situation, I don't think it's reasonable to have him have to interrupt things to send a text.

 

So, it is normal for a guy to love his girlfriend very much and not need to communicate with her for several hours while out with friends?

 

I will be a little more relaxed about my expectations on texting from here on...I just needed to hear from others their views on the situation. I am not one to complain about my relationship to family and friends so didn't want to talk to anyone about this IRL.

[OneLov]

Absolutely! What's there to talk about? Why can't he tell you all about it when he gets home? If you trust him, what's the big deal? Wouldn't it be sweeter if it wasn't expected? I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but this behavior would scare me away. I think of that Bob Dylan song, "It Ain't Me, Babe."

[rester]

So, it is normal for a guy to love his girlfriend very much and not need to communicate with her for several hours while out with friends?

 

I will be a little more relaxed about my expectations on texting from here on...I just needed to hear from others their views on the situation. I am not one to complain about my relationship to family and friends so didn't want to talk to anyone about this IRL.

 

Based on myself and my close friends, both women and men, I think it's normal to do one's own thing for a day or two without contacting each other. I've had this conversation with married friends on weekends away, and they speak to their spouses for maybe 5 mins each day, and that's it aside from a text or two in the morning or at night.

 

What do you do during work days? If I'm busy I won't text all day until I'm on my way home.

[hippychick3]

Based on myself and my close friends, both women and men, I think it's normal to do one's own thing for a day or two without contacting each other. I've had this conversation with married friends on weekends away, and they speak to their spouses for maybe 5 mins each day, and that's it aside from a text or two in the morning or at night.

 

What do you do during work days? If I'm busy I won't text all day until I'm on my way home.

 

Good to know. When I was married, my ex was very needy and possessive, so my gauges are a bit messed up on what is normal amount of daily communication while away in a relationship. He expected a lot more communication during the day than I did.

 

During work days, my bf texts good morning and maybe a quick text or 2 during the day. At end of the work day, we resume more conversation with phone call (maybe every other day) and texts until bedtime. We are both very busy and career driven during the workdays.