Totally stagnant, no progress

[Zahara]

Been there and done that -- left a trail of tears at the grocery store, at the check-out while people were looking sadly at me, at the gym crying while I was in the weight room, crying at the park because it was such a lovely day and I wasn't with him, etc.

 

This has nothing to do with your age. Stop harping on the fact that you're 40 and you're supposed to be this complete and untouchable woman.

 

A breakup is akin to the grief one would experience when losing someone to death. It's debilitating, it's excruciating. It's going to tear you apart when you least expect it and with that you're going to breakdown at the oddest times and even on days you feel like you're determined, only a minute later feel like it's the end of the world. It's all normal. It's going to hurt for awhile.

 

Who cares if people see you crying. Just find a place to cry and release that pain. No need to stay a recluse.

Edited April 17, 2016 by Zahara

[Raina314]

Yeah, I'm at about six months now. I really hope this'll let up in another six months after a year has gone by. Then at least I'll be able to stop thinking "this time last year everything was fine and I was still with him." But thanks. It really helps to have people remind me that it's still normal, none of my friends in real life have ever taken this long to get over someone so sometimes I feel like a real headcase.

[Zahara]

Yeah, I'm at about six months now. I really hope this'll let up in another six months after a year has gone by. Then at least I'll be able to stop thinking "this time last year everything was fine and I was still with him." But thanks. It really helps to have people remind me that it's still normal, none of my friends in real life have ever taken this long to get over someone so sometimes I feel like a real headcase.

 

A little over a year later I saw him with his gf, and I was startled at first but even exchanged a hello and I went about my day. My heart wasn't racing, I felt normal, I didn't feel sad -- that's when I knew I was moving on. If that happened 6 months before, I would have been a puddle on the floor.

 

So no, you are not a headcase. There is no timeline when it comes to grieving and healing. Everyone will do it at their own pace, and move on in their own time.

[BC1980]

Yeah, I'm at about six months now. I really hope this'll let up in another six months after a year has gone by. Then at least I'll be able to stop thinking "this time last year everything was fine and I was still with him." But thanks. It really helps to have people remind me that it's still normal, none of my friends in real life have ever taken this long to get over someone so sometimes I feel like a real headcase.

 

How you remember landmarks will change too. I remember marking everything that happened in a way that was related to the breakup. I would think this time last year, I was at X point in NC. Or this is the first birthday, holiday, ect. without him. That's all normal at this point. 3 years later, and I don't even give it a thought. I knew I was okay when I didn't even think of being in NC anymore. I didn't guard NC with my life. If I see him at work, I either say HI or keep going and ignore. I don't give it a thought. It's just life at this point.

 

I also remember being a year into NC and feeling like I had really made some progress. Not long after, I saw my ex at work from a distance. I ran and hid in the bathroom and got so upset I almost cried. I was kind of devastated by my reaction. I had planned that I would be strong and stoic when I saw him. I was sure I would have no reaction. But you know what, I was only upset for those few minutes. I didn't dwell on seeing him, and I was fine the next day. So I knew I was making progress at that point. Emotions catch you off guard, but it's all about how you process them. You will go through peaks and valleys on this journey but will come out stronger for it.

[SixxChick]

Yeah, I do appreciate that from him, but the pain is still awful. This breakup has entirely taken over my life and I just wish I could feel normal again :/

 

I am with you, darling. I really wish I had some words of wisdom. But when you give your entire heart away, it's hard to heal and reclaim it. Or even trust again.

 

You post a lot of good advice on this forum. Thank you for that. I have total faith that you will get through this. Let's stick this out together.

[Raina314]

A little over a year later I saw him with his gf, and I was startled at first but even exchanged a hello and I went about my day. My heart wasn't racing, I felt normal, I didn't feel sad -- that's when I knew I was moving on. If that happened 6 months before, I would have been a puddle on the floor.

 

So no, you are not a headcase. There is no timeline when it comes to grieving and healing. Everyone will do it at their own pace, and move on in their own time.

 

Thanks. I guess what I really struggle with is not knowing whether to accept the sadness when it comes or try to fight it with logical reasons why it's not really so bad. I feel like people who squash their sadness when it's still there end up with more painful repercussions later, but at the same time I don't want to be totally passive and just let it crush me.

 

How you remember landmarks will change too. I remember marking everything that happened in a way that was related to the breakup. I would think this time last year, I was at X point in NC. Or this is the first birthday, holiday, ect. without him. That's all normal at this point. 3 years later, and I don't even give it a thought. I knew I was okay when I didn't even think of being in NC anymore. I didn't guard NC with my life. If I see him at work, I either say HI or keep going and ignore. I don't give it a thought. It's just life at this point.

 

I also remember being a year into NC and feeling like I had really made some progress. Not long after, I saw my ex at work from a distance. I ran and hid in the bathroom and got so upset I almost cried. I was kind of devastated by my reaction. I had planned that I would be strong and stoic when I saw him. I was sure I would have no reaction. But you know what, I was only upset for those few minutes. I didn't dwell on seeing him, and I was fine the next day. So I knew I was making progress at that point. Emotions catch you off guard, but it's all about how you process them. You will go through peaks and valleys on this journey but will come out stronger for it.

 

Yeah, I've already seen him a few times since we have several mutual friends and I make it through, but usually I'm down for the next few days. I do hope I stop thinking about all those markers soon though. They're always on my mind.

 

I am with you, darling. I really wish I had some words of wisdom. But when you give your entire heart away, it's hard to heal and reclaim it. Or even trust again.

 

You post a lot of good advice on this forum. Thank you for that. I have total faith that you will get through this. Let's stick this out together.

 

It really is hard. I loved him so much, and it hurts to think he doesn't even care.

 

But thank you so much . I'm really glad I can help other people even when it's hard for me to help myself, and it means a lot that you have faith in me even though we've never actually met.

[Zahara]

Thanks. I guess what I really struggle with is not knowing whether to accept the sadness when it comes or try to fight it with logical reasons why it's not really so bad. I feel like people who squash their sadness when it's still there end up with more painful repercussions later, but at the same time I don't want to be totally passive and just let it crush me.

 

You embrace your feelings. If you feel sad, you acknowledge it and accept that you are feeling this way because of ABC. I used to journal my feelings and my thoughts and as I kept going through and moving forward with the process of healing, I would go back and read my words and I could see a difference in my thought patterns and the depth of my pains. It was changing. As an example, in the beginning my words were all dark. Six months later there was some light mixed in with my pain. A year later, I was journaling with optimism. In those first few months, it was good for me because I could see change and that made me realize that I was progressing, slowly but surely.

 

So, embrace how you feel. Talk it out in your head. There's a rational side of you that will definitely kick in and you'll bounce between that and your emotional side. Cry if you want to. ALLOW yourself an hour or even a day to feel bad (when you feel bad) to process what you feel but then get right back up again. Don't stay down too long. Reach out to a friend or family member. Purge it, release it. Don't suppress it. Sadness isn't an indication that you are stagnating -- it's just you cycling through emotions that naturally come with grief and loss.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Zahara

[Raina314]

Whenever people tell you "there will be good days and bad days" you think "okay, that's not so bad, I can get through the bad days as long as I know there's something better around the corner." But when you have a bad day, it feels like there'll never be a good one again. That's how it is for me, anyways.

 

I had another vivid dream about him last night and just felt so sad that I lost all that. I thought he loved me and we'd get married someday. The dreams are always worse if I have a drink in the evening. So, no more drinks until I'm over this nightmare

 

I still can't believe I lost my virginity to someone who never even loved me. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen to me and yet I did. So stupid.

Edited April 22, 2016 by Raina314

[Emaize3]

Yeah, I was doing great and ready to date again and then...same as you! Last night I had a horrific dream that I was in his house and he had a gf and I was driving away so fast from his house afterwards and punching the center console and then I couldn't see up ahead. Needless to say, I woke up emotional and drained. The dreams are the worst!!

[Raina314]

Yeah, I know I'm a long, long way away from being ready to date again so it wasn't a huge surprise or anything considering I get sad like this at least once a week for one reason or other, but man is it hard.

[Raina314]

This morning I woke up and really missed him again. This tiny hope that he'll come back someday is so hard to squash. I think it's gone and then it comes back because all my other exes have always come back so in my head, it doesn't seem impossible, just unlikely. I know that's bad. I know it's the wrong way to think and believe me, I am trying to fight it.

 

I know people always say that acceptance of the relationship being over is the first step, but now I'm wondering if you have to lose interest before you can reach acceptance instead of the other way around. In the past, I only started thinking "we're never getting back together" once I decided I didn't even want to be together anymore and lost feelings for them. Has anyone else experienced the moving on process this way? Did you move on before your feelings were gone or vice versa?

[Emaize3]

I think you can accept that it's over without losing interest. For example.. You know it's over but that doesn't mean what you had didn't mean anything. I think there will always be a glimmer of hope. For me it's more lie "what the heck happened? And now he won't even speak to me, so I'll never talk to him again let alone be with him". For me, I probably will always have feelings unless I meet someone else. I know how you feel. I'm 47 and don't want to be without a partner. I'm feeling like there's nobody out there. I'm doing online dating which is always a success and not this time. So- like you, I've been thinking about my ex too. It sucks

[Jason9]

Yeh I agree, you can accept its over first. I was still curious about a distant past ex years after she broke up with me, she even asked me out a few months after we broke up, but I declined because when I do accept its over , its over, even if they come back, but I still had an interest in her and would fantasize about us being happy together. We saw each other in school a lot as well, maybe that had something to do with it the long lasting interest.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I didn't think about that. If my ex refused to talk to me I'd assume he hated me and then I'd be pretty sure he'd never come back. But he was the one who wanted to "still be friends" and when we see each other with mutual friends he does talk to me. I know that's just because he doesn't want to have to feel awkward or guilty and has nothing to do with him liking me, but the thought that maybe he'll have some epiphany months or years down the line keeps popping up every now and then.

 

I feel like I could have success with dating apps, bit not while I still feel like this. I think it would fail right now cuz ID still like my ex too much to let another guy in. Would you say you haven't been successful because of that of because it's harder to find guys? Why don't you think it's working?

[Raina314]

Yeh I agree, you can accept its over first. I was still curious about a distant past ex years after she broke up with me, she even asked me out a few months after we broke up, but I declined because when I do accept its over , its over, even if they come back, but I still had an interest in her and would fantasize about us being happy together. We saw each other in school a lot as well, maybe that had something to do with it the long lasting interest.

 

So, you were still fascinated by her but rejected her when she asked for you back? May I ask why? (Not to imply you made the wrong decision, just curious)

[Jason9]

So, you were still fascinated by her but rejected her when she asked for you back? May I ask why? (Not to imply you made the wrong decision, just curious)

She ended up breaking up with me because she told me like someone else, I guess that was more the reason and I couldnt risk it happening again, but Im also a strong believer of once its over, its over and isnt meant to be, regardless of the reason. Ive never gotten back with an ex, but I dont know what the future holds either.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I can definitely see how that attitude makes it easier. I guess I'm just more of a second chances kind of person in general so that makes it all a lot harder.

[Emaize3]

I'm a second chance person too. I didn't even get the opportunity for that. Not even a conversation to fix anything and I didn't know anything was broken in the first place. My ex is like Jason, when it's over, it's over. I hate that he chickened out and never talked to me. I hadn't a clue.

 

As far as the dating not working? Don't know. I have 3 teens at home but the kids never stopped guys from being interested before. Guess it's different now that im older.

 

And I have a previous ex that wants me back for good. Crazy! Don't know what to do.

[Emaize3]

And Raina314, I'm sure you would have success in dating but you will know when you're ready. Don't donit until then.

[sorano]

I'm a second chance person too. I didn't even get the opportunity for that. Not even a conversation to fix anything and I didn't know anything was broken in the first place. My ex is like Jason, when it's over, it's over. I hate that he chickened out and never talked to me. I hadn't a clue.

 

As far as the dating not working? Don't know. I have 3 teens at home but the kids never stopped guys from being interested before. Guess it's different now that im older.

 

And I have a previous ex that wants me back for good. Crazy! Don't know what to do.

 

same with my ex. second chance my ass. she didn't care one bit. I was left high and dry. I couldnt even talk to her. when you have no closure and cant explain yourself or even talk logically with the other person, it makes it worse. I hope she suffers

[Raina314]

Well, today is 6 months. And I've made it this far. Still have a long way to go, but I'd like to thank everyone who's talked to me and helped me so far. I truly am grateful for all the support and kindness I didn't always find in my daily life. What a journey this is. Contrary to this thread's title, I have made some progress, even though I don't always feel like it.

 

And Raina314, I'm sure you would have success in dating but you will know when you're ready. Don't donit until then.

 

I know, I won't. It'll be a while. I don't even want to right now so at least it's not hard to resist or anything.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Raina314

[Emaize3]

In glad LS helped you! It really helped me and you are definitely one of my LS buddies. Keep your head up!

[Souldier1234]

Well done on your progress Dear one.

 

But may I ask the members of this thread a few questions, and please remember, I ask these questions with no judgments.

 

Why do they still think about your exes? Is it haphazard or on purpose?

What qualities do they have that no other human being on this earth can have that makes them so extraordinarily unique?

And those "unique" qualities that you value in your exes or partners, do you not posses any?

And would you believe me if I said, you dont need a partner to make you whole with those "unique" qualities?

[Emaize3]

Interesting, Souldier1234. I guess my ex possessed alot of qualities I looked for in a man that are hard to find. I'm 47 and finding it hard to just get a date these days, let alone meet someone with the qualities I'm looking for. In the end, I guess he ended up being a jerk anyway!

[Raina314]

At first I thought this was all just heartbreak. But now I don't know. I feel like a different person altogether now. Nothing feels quite right or normal anymore and I can't find my center in my own head. The breakup seriously knocked me off balance, but I don't know if this is just about being hung up on my ex anymore. Objectively, he just wasn't that special of a guy and when I'm upset now it's not even always about him, it's that nothing feels right and I can't find myself. I didn't even feel this out of it and disconnected in puberty. Everything people told me would happen then is happening now instead. I get angry for no clear reason, I feel like my parents don't understand me and sometimes feel resentful of them wen I never did before, my moods are all over the place. This is so foreign and I don't know when it'll end.