Totally stagnant, no progress

[Emaize3]

Hi Raina. I'm so sorry! After a breakup, your life changes in every way. It's all new now. I know I still feel disconnected because of the missing answers and I felt like he was a fraud. I think the "new" way of living without him is getting you down. I hope you feel better. It does mess with your mind. I understand because I still feel lost. If it goes on for too long, may also want to see a doctor to be sure. Hugs!

[keiji]

At first I thought this was all just heartbreak. But now I don't know. I feel like a different person altogether now. Nothing feels quite right or normal anymore and I can't find my center in my own head. The breakup seriously knocked me off balance, but I don't know if this is just about being hung up on my ex anymore. Objectively, he just wasn't that special of a guy and when I'm upset now it's not even always about him, it's that nothing feels right and I can't find myself. I didn't even feel this out of it and disconnected in puberty. Everything people told me would happen then is happening now instead. I get angry for no clear reason, I feel like my parents don't understand me and sometimes feel resentful of them wen I never did before, my moods are all over the place. This is so foreign and I don't know when it'll end.

 

I found myself feeling more or less like you five years ago after my ex-wife grabbed her stuff and left our home. At first I thought it was obviously just about the breakup and getting used to her absence but, even if I had always kept my circle of friends and my hobbies, I also had to adapt to a partially new life, but I didn't want to accept it back then. The thing is took much longer for me to realize that I was making a mess out of my life and kept throwing more and more trouble into the mix. My character changed, I became extremely irritable. I was bitter and cynical. To sum it all up: I was lost, more so than I'd ever been. It seems that you're becoming aware of your situation, and that's the first step towards improvement.

 

Introduce some beneficial changes wherever you can. I stopped working from home and moved to a co-working space, a month later I moved to a new flat. I started therapy and with a lot of effort I'm beginning to recognize my old self. It's almost like a rebirth where I'm again the fun-loving, easygoing person I used to be. You seem to be getting your sea-legs. My therapist recently said: "Knowing is healing". And you're starting to "know", so that can only be interpreted as a positive thing.

[Raina314]

Hi Raina. I'm so sorry! After a breakup, your life changes in every way. It's all new now. I know I still feel disconnected because of the missing answers and I felt like he was a fraud. I think the "new" way of living without him is getting you down. I hope you feel better. It does mess with your mind. I understand because I still feel lost. If it goes on for too long, may also want to see a doctor to be sure. Hugs!

 

Thanks. You're definitely right about the new way of living without him getting me down, and it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling lost. I've contemplated seeing a counselor but they're all so expensive :/. Hugs right back.

[Raina314]

I found myself feeling more or less like you five years ago after my ex-wife grabbed her stuff and left our home. At first I thought it was obviously just about the breakup and getting used to her absence but, even if I had always kept my circle of friends and my hobbies, I also had to adapt to a partially new life, but I didn't want to accept it back then. The thing is took much longer for me to realize that I was making a mess out of my life and kept throwing more and more trouble into the mix. My character changed, I became extremely irritable. I was bitter and cynical. To sum it all up: I was lost, more so than I'd ever been. It seems that you're becoming aware of your situation, and that's the first step towards improvement.

 

Introduce some beneficial changes wherever you can. I stopped working from home and moved to a co-working space, a month later I moved to a new flat. I started therapy and with a lot of effort I'm beginning to recognize my old self. It's almost like a rebirth where I'm again the fun-loving, easygoing person I used to be. You seem to be getting your sea-legs. My therapist recently said: "Knowing is healing". And you're starting to "know", so that can only be interpreted as a positive thing.

 

Yeah, that sounds a lot like me. I did move, and I work with other people. I'm not actively making a mess of my life and doing self-sabbatogey things, but I am definitely bitter and cynical. It's encouraging to hear you eventually found yourself again, and I really hope I will too. I hate feeling lost in my own mind and body. It's scary.

[keiji]

Yeah, that sounds a lot like me. I did move, and I work with other people. I'm not actively making a mess of my life and doing self-sabbatogey things, but I am definitely bitter and cynical. It's encouraging to hear you eventually found yourself again, and I really hope I will too. I hate feeling lost in my own mind and body. It's scary.

 

It is, but you have a head-start on me here: it took me much longer to realize that I was lost. I refused to believe I was a different person, and in fact I wasn't. It was just that the end of that relationship had thrown me out of balance. The sooner you admit it, the better. Now, five months after the end of yet another failed relationship (due in part to my kidding myself into thinking I was doing fine and not giving her nearly as much as I could, if I'm honest with myself), I'm proud of all the work I've done. I feel like me again, or almost, and you will too.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I thought at first that I wasn't a different person, just heartbroken. It's only recently that I've started wondering if I'm like, permanently changed now. I sincerely hope it goes like it did with you and I come back to my old self, cuz I'm not comfortable with this new version of myself. Thanks for sharing your experience, it is reassuring to hear from someone who came out on the other side.

[keiji]

We're talking three breakups in five years here, Raina, the firs two terrible. If I could, you can!!

 

Be strong.

[Raina314]

Thanks . This is my second in five years, and while the first one was just as bad in the beginning, it didn't have these same crazy long lasting reverberations that prevented me from getting back to my life. I sure hope there won't be a third!

[Souldier1234]

Dear one, there is nothing more I can say than what Keiji has said to you.

He has shown you strength, and I hope you seek and grow from his wisdom.

 

All I will add is this...

 

There is nothing more wonderful than a gut wrenching break up to release you from you unconscious prison. And I mean that. Its wonderful. Nothing like meeting the wrong person and have them leave you, forcing you to wake up and see and accept who you really are. I have been on the same side of the river as you and heart break after heart break, I still survived all of them and came out a better man.

 

It took me a long time to see this, but evolution of your consciousness must happen. Meaning that the changes you are experiencing need to happen. You cannot live in your mind and continue lying to yourself.

Realize that in life, there are always changes happening. Winter, Summer, Fall, Spring. Each time change takes place, something has to wither away or die to make space for the new entity, otherwise if things grew forever, it would become monstrous and out of control and push nature off its balance.

 

Do not ever view the changes going on inside you as either good or bad, for that is your mind labeling, analyzing and criticizing things. Change is neither good or bad. Change is the growth that has to happen in you, but for it to grow, it needs to eradicate the old and plant the new seeds in you. Once you accept this and accept yourself, you start to see things as the natural flow of life. You stop resisting life and it becomes easier for you be who really are inside. You start living and experiencing again. You start to see you worth and appreciate your value to the world and how you fit in this giant jigsaw puzzle called life.

 

In this life, there are no losers, because if you are not winning, you are learning!

[Kelsy]

Raina, I have same thoughts in my head. It is so strange. I had all these different feelings (sadness, anger, guilt, numbness etc). Blaming myself, him....I was walking in a fog, asking why this is happening to me. It was so frustrating. Extreme pain, pain, pain. But it seems like I am entering to the next phase. I am not the same person anymore for sure. Negative feelings starting to fade. Sadness is still in my heart but.. I am concentrating myself more now. Survival mode is kicked in I dont know how to handle this new situation. It is like living in another world and I didnt expect this change (living without him and loosing all the plans, dreams with him and his friends (but not in a bad way). Here I am alone and have to start my new journey. Every day questions is "what can I do to make myself happy?". Planning different activities, meetups with friends. I dont have any other choice here. Cant cry forever and life goes on.

Sry for my english.

[Souldier1234]

Dear Kelsy,

I like the line

"what can I do to make myself happy?"

I hunger for more people on LS to ask themselves that question. And not in a selfish way, but a self loving way.

[Raina314]

It just hit me like a tidal wave again for the first time in months. I thought I was getting somewhere, I thought I was making progress. I was talking to a couple guys online and thought I was well on my way to recovery, but here I am, at 5:30AM wide awake and bawling my eyes out, feeling like I can't breathe, cuz I thought about the first time we ever had sex and it just hurts so, so much. It's unbearable right now. I can barely breathe. The depression never fully went away, but usually it comes in dull, throbbing waves instead of sudden panic attacks and breakdowns in the middle of the night. Should I delete my profile on the dating sites I'm on and give up for the time being? Why won't this stop? He never loved me and he told me so, how am I so hung up on him even though I know I've been long forgotten by him? I can't stand this. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I just feel so alone and heartbroken and hopeless and lost and I can't take it anymore.

[keiji]

It just hit me like a tidal wave again for the first time in months. I thought I was getting somewhere, I thought I was making progress. I was talking to a couple guys online and thought I was well on my way to recovery, but here I am, at 5:30AM wide awake and bawling my eyes out, feeling like I can't breathe, cuz I thought about the first time we ever had sex and it just hurts so, so much. It's unbearable right now. I can barely breathe. The depression never fully went away, but usually it comes in dull, throbbing waves instead of sudden panic attacks and breakdowns in the middle of the night. Should I delete my profile on the dating sites I'm on and give up for the time being? Why won't this stop? He never loved me and he told me so, how am I so hung up on him even though I know I've been long forgotten by him? I can't stand this. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I just feel so alone and heartbroken and hopeless and lost and I can't take it anymore.

 

I think our respective breakups happened more or less on the same dates. It's probably too early, and I'm sure this will be a cycle of two steps forward, one step back for a little while. I also find myself suddenly thinking about her most of the day and I'd love to know why. I guess our body/brain has its ways. Perhaps we still need to purge ourselves some more.

 

As to the dating sites, you're probably not ready yet. I tried Tinder and it's not for me, at least now. I wasn't comparing the girls to my ex-g, but somehow it didn't feel right. I'm not ready either. After all, you don't look for love, you find it. When I met my ex-wife 14 years ago at a beach party, I wasn't supposed to be there but my friends convinced me to join them. When I met my latest ex-girlfriend, me and my friend were about to leave the place just when she showed up. Don't force it. It would be great to find someone who made us forget them once and for all, but I'm not sure that would be healthy. I think it's much better to try to heal on our own, so when the right one comes up, we're cleansed of our previous bad experiences.

 

Hang in there!

[Raina314]

Maybe you're right. I keep analyzing and overthinking and trying to figure out how it's supposed to feel to be ready and wondering how long it should take. I guess I just feel like if sit around and wait nothing will happen, just as it won't if you're trying to find a job.

 

I know relationships and careers are two different things so that's not actually a good analogy. I just feel like this is supposed to be the time of my life where I'm looking to find someone and I hate that this damage and pain prevents me from doing what I feel like (and what my biological instincts tell me) I'm supposed to be doing right now.

[Raina314]

The past couple days have been awful. On Friday I saw my ex at a party and since then I've felt like it's week 1 all over again. I'm dreaming about him and getting back together and it hurts so, so much. The grief is ruining my life. I got into a car accident on Thursday (I rear ended someone) and I don't even know why/how my attention just slipped and I didn't see it coming because my brain's only half there most of the time. I forget things, I make more mistakes in everything I do, I have headaches, I can't sleep. And it's been nine months. I just can't seem to get through this, no matter how hard I try. I wish I could go home to my parents' house and talk to my mom but if my parents saw that I wasn't in my car (I have a rental atm) they'd ask why and freak out that I was in an accident, and I don't want the extra stress of that. I have a phone interview with a counseling referral service tomorrow and that's the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I'm literally losing my mind over this and I feel so pathetic. Rejection is a part of life no matter how smart, talented, pretty, or nice you are, and not being able to accept it makes me feel like I'm out of touch with reality. I'd do anything for this to stop.

[Kelsy]

Raina

 

I hope my story can give you some hope

I was a mess like you. I could not date others. I was not ready at all. But at some point (after a year from BU) I got sick and tired of this BU pain and thoughts. It just happened. I was asking myself if I really want to be with him after all this pain. So I started to use dating app (I didnt like those kind of apps before at all). Actually my friend was the one pushing me to use it And believe it or not I had fun. Thought ok I have nothing to loose. I was just communicating with them and nothing more. Step by step. You can spend some quality time with your dates and it doesnt have to get seroius. Give yourself time. But yes try to take step by step.

If you feel you are not ready, give yourself a little more time. But try to think about your (better) future not about your ex. Trust me this memory of ex starts to fade away.

[FTM042014]

The pain of a breakup comes in unexpected waves. There will be many moments that you feel at least okay and then suddenly BAM! It's like getting hit by a truck going 100 mph. That is totally normal. Feeling hopeless and lost and sad is normal. It's the ending of a bond with another human being. No matter if it was good or bad. We are wired to mourn these things.

 

Try not to beat yourself up when you feel bad. I say to myself, well sh*t there it is again. And then I try to analyze what triggered it. And I tear it apart. Break it down.

 

Eventually you're going to realize that the waves have more and more time between them and that the peak isn't as high. And when they come you'll find that your recovery gets faster.

 

Going through this is truly one of the most difficult things in life. It's the people that don't go through this are not normal to me.

[Raina314]

Raina

 

I hope my story can give you some hope

I was a mess like you. I could not date others. I was not ready at all. But at some point (after a year from BU) I got sick and tired of this BU pain and thoughts. It just happened. I was asking myself if I really want to be with him after all this pain. So I started to use dating app (I didnt like those kind of apps before at all). Actually my friend was the one pushing me to use it And believe it or not I had fun. Thought ok I have nothing to loose. I was just communicating with them and nothing more. Step by step. You can spend some quality time with your dates and it doesnt have to get seroius. Give yourself time. But yes try to take step by step.

If you feel you are not ready, give yourself a little more time. But try to think about your (better) future not about your ex. Trust me this memory of ex starts to fade away.

 

Yeah, sometimes I am having fun with the app I have and feel totally ready, and sometimes I don't. I don't know how to believe what I feel when I feel good anymore and I don't know what recovery looks or feels like because everything I experience turns out to just be a false start that gets swallowed by grief again later. I really hope I am like you and start feeling better after it's been a year. I can't keep going like this.

 

The pain of a breakup comes in unexpected waves. There will be many moments that you feel at least okay and then suddenly BAM! It's like getting hit by a truck going 100 mph. That is totally normal. Feeling hopeless and lost and sad is normal. It's the ending of a bond with another human being. No matter if it was good or bad. We are wired to mourn these things.

 

Try not to beat yourself up when you feel bad. I say to myself, well sh*t there it is again. And then I try to analyze what triggered it. And I tear it apart. Break it down.

 

Eventually you're going to realize that the waves have more and more time between them and that the peak isn't as high. And when they come you'll find that your recovery gets faster.

 

Going through this is truly one of the most difficult things in life. It's the people that don't go through this are not normal to me.

 

I noticed that the peak wasn't as high for a while, yeah. But now it's coming back. This past month and a half, I've been depressed for all but one week. I'm not 100% sure why, and seeing him on Friday certainly didn't help. I don't know why I beat myself up either. I wouldn't beat anyone else up who's currently in my shoes, but I do it to myself all the time. I get so mad at myself for still being so affected by this and I find it really hard to forgive myself for losing what made me happy and then for not getting over it like an adult. How long did it take you to stop feeling like that?

[Raina314]

Me again. I was supposed to see a guy for the first time since the BU today but just cancelled on him because I just can't do it. I know it's just a date and it's not supposed to be anything serious, but I can't seem to look at it any other way. I'm in counseling and working as hard as I can to move on, but he just won't go away. I feel like it's wrong of me to try and see other people because I haven't mourned him for long enough yet, even though it's been 8 months. It's a really difficult feeling to describe. It's like I don't deserve the happiness of love yet because I haven't suffered enough. I don't even know why I feel like I have to suffer, I'm not a masochist, I don't hate myself, but I feel like I deserve this and trying to find happiness now is cheating. I just came home from a wonderful trip where I barely thought about my ex once, and I've only been home for five days and am back on this. I feel like it'll never stop for good.

[Emaize3]

Everybody mourns over their ex with different timing. I grieved hard over my BU. You and I have been dealing with this for the same time frame. I have been dating again and it feels pretty nice but that doesn't mean you have to date yet. The other day, I thought about him and cried again. That hasn't happened in a long time but those feelings and memories do creep up. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm still in therapy too! Eventually you will want to date again. Take all the time you need. It's ok. Hugs❤️

[Raina314]

I'm a wreck and I feel like giving up. I just found out through the grape vine that my ex asked someone else out and even though he was rejected I feel like I'm being dumped all over again. This whole time I've been trying to convince myself that it's not me, it's him, that he said himself he just wasn't ready and that's why it ended. But this is like confirmation of my worst fears - that I was the problem. He likes another girl, I can't help but think I'm not good enough. I feel like absolute S*** and everytime I think I'm finally crawling out I fall back down. This is the worst relapse yet and I just can't believe I'm almost a year in and still crying my eyes out in the middle of the night over someone who doesn't care.

[Em2410]

I'm a wreck and I feel like giving up. I just found out through the grape vine that my ex asked someone else out and even though he was rejected I feel like I'm being dumped all over again. This whole time I've been trying to convince myself that it's not me, it's him, that he said himself he just wasn't ready and that's why it ended. But this is like confirmation of my worst fears - that I was the problem. He likes another girl, I can't help but think I'm not good enough. I feel like absolute S*** and everytime I think I'm finally crawling out I fall back down. This is the worst relapse yet and I just can't believe I'm almost a year in and still crying my eyes out in the middle of the night over someone who doesn't care.

Hi Raina, I have read this whole thread and I feel exactly the same as you about my break-up (we had been together 12-14 months) although it has only been a month for me. I can't comprehend how he has (seemingly) so easily moved on. We have not spoken to each other since and I really miss him every day that goes by.

 

I am saddened to hear you have been going through this for so long. I totally understand why you are upset hearing he has asked someone else out, however please do not think that you were the problem. You are good enough so never tell yourself you're not. I haven't got much wisdom on this situation as I am going through my first awful break-up too, but maybe try not to let yourself over think his motive? When you think of him and what he is doing, train yourself to shut it down and think about something else instead. I think the worst thing we can do it obsess over their motives and what they are thinking.

 

I hope you find peace soon and don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. Hugs x

[Raina314]

Hi Raina, I have read this whole thread and I feel exactly the same as you about my break-up (we had been together 12-14 months) although it has only been a month for me. I can't comprehend how he has (seemingly) so easily moved on. We have not spoken to each other since and I really miss him every day that goes by.

 

I am saddened to hear you have been going through this for so long. I totally understand why you are upset hearing he has asked someone else out, however please do not think that you were the problem. You are good enough so never tell yourself you're not. I haven't got much wisdom on this situation as I am going through my first awful break-up too, but maybe try not to let yourself over think his motive? When you think of him and what he is doing, train yourself to shut it down and think about something else instead. I think the worst thing we can do it obsess over their motives and what they are thinking.

 

I hope you find peace soon and don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. Hugs x

 

Thank you, Em. I appreciate it and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But I do hope you get through this sooner and more effectively than I have. I've tried everything to feel better and am getting very discouraged. It seems at the end of the day all I want is him. It's an awful thing to go through and I'm at my breaking point. Apparently now he's lamenting about how much it sucks to be single and after 9 months of not contacting him I'm more tempted than ever to reach out.

[Zahara]

Apparently now he's lamenting about how much it sucks to be single and after 9 months of not contacting him I'm more tempted than ever to reach out.

 

How are you getting all this information about what he's doing and saying? NC is useless if you don't implement it as a want to move on. All you're doing is two steps forward and three back.

[Em2410]

Thank you, Em. I appreciate it and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But I do hope you get through this sooner and more effectively than I have. I've tried everything to feel better and am getting very discouraged. It seems at the end of the day all I want is him. It's an awful thing to go through and I'm at my breaking point. Apparently now he's lamenting about how much it sucks to be single and after 9 months of not contacting him I'm more tempted than ever to reach out.

Thank-you, I know the feeling. You'll get through this. Just think, you've lived without him before, and you will again.

 

I know this is easier said than done, but I don't think you should reach out to him. Small chat will not help as we will just read into things too much and make their responses seem more than what they are, probably. I wish I could just come and give you a big hug! You don't deserve all your pain when he's happily carrying on with his life.

 

It's my ex's birthday this weekend. I feel so cold, but I shouldn't wish him a happy birthday, right? I feel like I shouldn't anyway. Other than liking my social media posts he has not reached out to me once. Why are boys so confusing at times!?

 

x