Totally stagnant, no progress

[juniorrocha]

Why are boys so confusing at times!?

 

They're not confusing. You're confusing yourself. The message is clear: he's not interested. When a guy is interested, they will do whatever it takes.

 

My ex was often liking my pictures on social media etc. I blocked her for good.

 

And a message to you and the OP: stop thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, whatever that includes them. It's time to be selfish and fully work on yourselves.

 

All you're doing is two steps forward and three back.

 

This couldn't be more accurate.

[SixxChick]

When a guy is interested, they will do whatever it takes.

 

Thank you for this. I know it's quite simple, but I really needed to read this today.

[Lansing]

Raina314 don't contact him. Nothing good will come out of it.

 

I can relate to what you are going through. My suggestion would be maybe to start getting involved in things where you are going out socially (new hobby/class (I took glass blowing and wood working years back), volunteer,etc) where there is no pressure that you are there to meet guys or anything but at the same time you can meet new people and it might help to get your mind off your ex even if for short periods of time. I understand getting into rutt where you over think something. In the last few weeks I have been thinking about an ex from 2 years ago (run into her a few times since then and even hung out with her for a drink once). Part of it is I think I just feel "lonely" and just wondering why things didn't work out and if I was to blame (didn't show her enough attention, etc). Well, I looked her up on social media and realized she is dating someone new and that made me sick. Was a bad idea to check.

 

So, that is why a strict no contact policy is the best. Tell those mutual friends you don't want to hear about him anymore. Imagine hearing that he was dating someone new and how that would make you feel. Better to just imagine it than to actually have it happen.

[Raina314]

I can honestly say I'm doing better than I've been in a very long time.

 

I know this contradicts the conventional wisdom of blocking and never looking back, but my ex and I are friends again and I find myself obsessing about him less and less every day.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think it was good, and even necessary for me to do NC the first 6 months-1 year after breakup, because I don't think I could've just been friends and felt okay with it at first. But I never blocked him. Even my therapist advised to not actively avoid him, partially because we have a lot of mutual friends and the reality is he's still there, he's still a part of the group, and learning to accept that would make me stronger. She was right. Now we see each other at events, laugh together and behave like regular people and even though I still have some feelings, they don't make me sad or anxious anymore. I wake up okay, if not happy every day, and don't spend my time obsessing about getting him back or thinking about what we had. I'm working, volunteering with an organization I love, taking another class for my grad certificate, and enjoying living by myself with my kitty cat.

 

Now that I see him as a friend again, it's so much easier to not have him up on this magical pedestal of desire. I know he's just a regular guy who is neither more or less powerful than I am.

 

Does that mean I never think about it? No, but thinking about him is no longer the center of my day, I can think of other guys, and I don't freak out when I see him online or in person. I'm so much calmer and happier now that I've faced my fears and insecurities and I'm not worried about it anymore.

 

I realize that my path is not one that's compatible with everyone, obviously if an ex was abusive in any way the only right thing to do is block them permanently, and there are other situations where that may be appropriate as well. But I'm glad I stopped avoiding mine. Sometimes skeletons grow stronger when kept from the light, and that was definitely true for me.

 

Also, just realized I started this thread exactly a year ago and didn't even notice!

Edited February 15, 2017 by Raina314

[keiji]

I'm glad to read this, Raina. Our ordeal started more or less at the same time and it's great to see so much progress (same here!).

[Raina314]

Hey keiji! I'm glad to hear you're doing good too . For the longest time I really thought this would never end. Every time I think about it it kinda feels like a miracle, lol.

[keiji]

Hey keiji! I'm glad to hear you're doing good too . For the longest time I really thought this would never end. Every time I think about it it kinda feels like a miracle, lol.

 

No miracles, hard work! And as you can see, it repays.

[Raina314]

I'm honestly embarrassed to be posting here again, but here goes:

 

I talked to my ex about everything that happened a few days ago. We've been getting closer, having longer conversations, getting along well, so I figured it was a good time.

 

It was a great talk, probably the most productive, honest one we ever had, including anything we said to each other while dating. I told him how I felt all of last year and that I still missed him. He said he'd spent all of last year trying to convince himself that the breakup was the right thing to do and he still thinks it is, but that he did really mean it when he said he wanted to be friends because he never stopped caring about me. When he told me he wanted to be friends last year I didn't believe him cuz I figured he was just saying it so it wouldn't be awkward when we were out with mutual friends. Now I know that's not true - he sent me a really caring message when my grandfather died recently and goes out of his way to make it to events I invite him (and the rest of our friends) to. He messages me and responds to all my messages, whereas he ignored about half of them when we were together.

 

He explained that he was very stressed and not happy when we were together because of school, and the fact that he couldn't find it in him to love me even though I seemed like everything he was looking for on paper and the sex was great. I think it was also partially because he was crushed when his first girlfriend broke up with him and because of how badly that relationship ended, he was kinda walking on eggshells with me and could never really get comfortable.

 

He admitted he still missed the sex and that he still can't put his finger on what was wrong with us since he enjoys my company and I still have everything he's looking for in a girl. He said a big part of it was probably timing but since he wasn't interested in getting back together I feel like there must've been something more. He hasn't been on a single date since we broke up and he says I'm his only female friend.

 

For me, that something that was missing was the fact that he was never emotionally open with me before. But I guess now that there's no real pressure he feels like he can be. Since then, he's asked me to read/edit some of his creative writing, which I did, and he admitted he was really nervous about his friends seeing it because he's really invested in it, and it's very personal to him.

 

It's a kind of openness and honesty I never thought I'd see from him. So here's what's bugging me out: how is it that a guy can be physically/sexually attracted to me, trust me with personal thoughts and feelings, values my opinions, thinks I'm the full package, genuinely cares and wants to be friends, but doesn't want to be with me as an SO. And before, he wanted to be my boyfriend but didn't feel he could be emotionally open with me.

 

I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I get that he doesn't want to be with me and I'm not trying to bargain about that. But has anyone ever felt like this before who might be able to shed some light on what's going on here? I feel like I don't know I how to gauge a guy's interest anymore if I can have all these elements going for me and still not be wanted as a girlfriend. Has anyone else been emotionally invested and sexually attracted but not interested in dating?

Edited April 20, 2017 by Raina314

[Blanco]

I'm sorry, but none of this openness matters if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. That's what you want and if you two aren't on the same page about that vital thing, then someone is going to end up frustrated with how things play out; most likely you.

[Zahara]

So here's what's bugging me out: how is it that a guy can be physically/sexually attracted to me, trust me with personal thoughts and feelings, values my opinions, thinks I'm the full package, genuinely cares and wants to be friends, but doesn't want to be with me as an SO. And before, he wanted to be my boyfriend but didn't feel he could be emotionally open with me.

 

He can be all those things with you because there is no "commitment" looming over his head. So, he's able to relax and enjoy the benefits he can get from you as you stay in his life. Also, know that a guy can also tell you what you want to hear to 1) keep you orbiting 2) to spare you any hurt feelings.

 

He couldn't be emotionally available to you then because that would mean being vulnerable, staying invested and offering commitment. Not what he was truly wanting to do or offer, hence the inability to open up to you.

[Raina314]

He can be all those things with you because there is no "commitment" looming over his head. So, he's able to relax and enjoy the benefits he can get from you as you stay in his life. Also, know that a guy can also tell you what you want to hear to 1) keep you orbiting 2) to spare you any hurt feelings.

 

He couldn't be emotionally available to you then because that would mean being vulnerable, staying invested and offering commitment. Not what he was truly wanting to do or offer, hence the inability to open up to you.

 

That makes a lot of sense, thanks. I don't think he wants to keep me orbiting as he said I shouldn't wait for him and he knows there's no sex without a relationship, but I'm sure he wanted to spare me hurt feelings, yeah. It makes sense that this comes much easier without the pressure of commitment.

 

I know now that just because commitment comes naturally to me it doesn't for everyone.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Raina314

[Zahara]

That makes a lot of sense, thanks. I don't think he wants to keep me orbiting as he said I shouldn't wait for him and he knows there's no sex without a relationship, but I'm sure he wanted to spare me hurt feelings, yeah. It makes sense that this comes much easier without the pressure of commitment.

 

I know now that just because commitment comes naturally to me it doesn't for everyone.

 

A guy can keep you orbiting for attention. It doesn't always have to be about sex. You're familiar and you offer him so level of attention and benefit.

 

I think at some point you need to move on from this. You've invested too much time in this situation.

[keiji]

Perhaps he likes you as a person and genuinely cares for you. Perhaps there's sexual chemistry between you two, or perhaps it's easier for him to resort to an old flame for sex. But this doesn't mean that he loves you the way you'd like him to.

 

I've had quite a few FWB since my divorce and in the end everything went down the hill. There's always someone that's expecting something else in those situations, and in this case it's you. I've been your ex in a way, feeling enough interest to hang out with someone and definitely keen on having sex with them, but nothing more. All I was doing by being close to those girls was hurting them even if I had stated from the very first minute that things wouldn't progress beyond what we had, which was not friendship, btw, because I never feel an urge to sleep with my true female friends.

 

I really think you should stay away from him, and that means strict NC. It's pretty obvious that you two can't be friends at this point. Probably in the future, but not now.