Devastated

[brokenhart87]

My husband and I met in high school when we were both 15. When I had met him, I had just gotten out of a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship and I was lost. I wasn't looking for someone when I found him. I can still remember the first time our eyes met and how it felt like I'd known him for years. There was a palpable connection and energy drawing me to him that I can't explain. Shortly after meeting, a whirlwind romance ensued. He was the ultimate nice guy that every girl dreams of... He waited outside the classroom to carry my books for me, he wrote me poems, he told me how beautiful I was... I think because of my low self esteem and being in an abusive relationship prior to that one, I did not know how to accept his acts of kindness. It scared me. So I ditched him for a typical jerk that didn't really care about me (who dumped me shortly thereafter). It broke his heart. 6 months later, my lunch period had changed and the only table with people I knew was the one he was sitting at... To my surprise, he was perfectly nice to me even though he had every reason to hate me. Over several months we became best friends and eventually lovers again. Not long after dating, I began to push him away again. This led to him sleeping with someone else. He confessed this to me. Immediately, I realized how stupid I had been to push such a caring person away. This really opened my eyes and made me appreciate what I had. From that point forward, we had 2 magical years together. We were young, wild, and crazy teenagers experiencing the world together. It was truly the happiest time in my life. It wasn't until after high school that we began to experience problems again. The care free partying we did in high school had taken a more serious turn. We both were drinking too much and our recreational drug use became more frequent. This put a lot of strain on our relationship. We both were broken people self medicating for different reasons. He comes from a broken home where he watched his father beat his mother and sister. His father abandoned him and denies his attempts to have a relationship with him. His mother is an alcoholic. I suffer from low self esteem. Periods of time during these 2 years, I knew we had to change our lives and I would quit doing drugs and focus on school. I would try to change my husband, FORCE him to change really... only to be disappointed when I would find out he was partying behind my back. This pattern bred much resentment between the two of us. However, one day my husband knew he had to do something to redirect the downward spiral his life was in. He told me he was joining the army. This initially terrified me because we had never been apart, but then I realized he was doing it for us. When he went to basic training, we wrote each other love letters EVERY day. We both were completely focused on becoming the best people we could be individually, so we could have the best life TOGETHER. We got married after he graduated basic training. We maintained a long distance relationship while I finished school and he finished his military training . We were so in love and driven to make a life for ourselves. I moved out to where he was stationed as soon as I graduated nursing school. Being a home body and very close to my family, it was one of the scariest things I ever did to move across the country to be with him. However, even though I was scared, I did not hesitate to make the move. NO DOUBTS. It was like we were finally starting our life together as our better selves. We settled into married life and enjoyed the little things couples do. There was so much comfort and security in that time. We survived his first deployment to Iraq that brought us even closer. Even when we were oceans apart we felt so connected. It wasn't until his second deployment to Iraq that we started to have real problems again. Prior to leaving for his second deployment, he had started associating with people like the partiers we used to hang out with. This worried me, but I tried to let it go. Then I found out that he had done cocaine with one of his friends. I was extremely concerned and angry because I knew the army drug tested frequently. I tried to warn him, but he continued to dismiss my concern. Sure enough, he got drug tested and failed within DAYS of deploying to Iraq. He went from being an extremely well respected soldier to on the verge of dishonorable discharge. All of this caused me extreme anxiety. He was leaving for Iraq, I was across the country by myself, I didn't know if his career was over, etc. He ended up not getting dishonorably discharged, but he was demoted and ineligible for reenlistement. When he returned from Iraq, the problems continued. He got word that his childhood best friend had committed suicide. He began abusing pain killers and anti-anxiety medication to cope. I wanted to be there for him, but I also resented how reckless his behavior was. I felt like he didn't realize how his reckless decisions affect BOTH of us. He got out of the army, and we moved back to our home state. Once again, we felt like we had a fresh start. Initially, everything was really great. I found a job here as a nurse and he was using the GI bill to finish school. I think the transition out of the military took a toll on his self esteem. I think felt like he wasn't contributing enough. He was working at a grocery store and hated it. Then he started hanging out with his friends more. Once again, I felt like I was the responsible one in the relationship holding everything together and he was making irresponsible decisions (He got a DUI). Overtime we became more like room mates. He resented me. I resented him. We fought over everything. He started sleeping on the couch. Our sex life suffered. He also began using steroids at this time.For a year and a half we lived like this... there were good and bad periods, but there was always an underlying tone of resentment. At the end of 2014, we had a terrible fight. It started on a Friday night... I could tell my husband was in a restless mood. It was like 10PM and he wanted to go out downtown. My intuition told me this was not a good idea, but I knew there was no stopping him. We took a cab downtown, went to a few bars, and went back home. We both continued drinking once we got home, and I went to bed before he did. We both woke up in the morning to one of our dogs outside barking. He woke up EXTREMELY pissed off, and still drunk. He went outside and realized that the dog had escaped from the outdoor kennel he spent all day constructing (and money he didn't have). He storms back in the house shouting that he's going to shoot the dog. I lept out of bed and ran outside to protect the dog. He was absolutely enraged that I wouldn't let him shoot the dog. I never felt as if he was going to harm me, but his behavior was scary. I called my mom as a last resort because I didn't know what to do. This made him even more mad. He told me he was leaving, that he'd "had 1 foot out the door for a long time," and that it was over. His friend came to pick him up and he left for a fishing trip. Also, adding insult to injury, he left his friends dog there for me to watch and said "he'd be back at some point to get some more things and pick up the dog." The dog situation at our house was already out of control. We had 4 dogs, 2 of which were intact males, 1 female with puppies, and his friends female dog. We rented from my mom and I felt incredibly guilty because I was hiding this from her because I didn't want to make him mad. The night after he left, my dog (the first dog that we had) got into a fight with his dog. Because of the out of control situation, the dogs were fighting occasionally, especially when he wasn't there. The night he left, my dog and his dog got into such a bad fight, that I thought they were going to kill each other. I finally got them separated and one needed emergency medical attention. At this point, I called my mom to tell her what happened and I also felt it was necessary to confess about the dogs. She knew my husband left and we had know idea when he would be back. Out of concern for me and without my knowledge, she sent him a text message that stated nicely that she loved him and was sorry for how things were working out between us. She also told him that because of the long hours I work, and the liability of having all these dogs that kept getting in fights, that he would have 48 hours to remove the dogs from the property or she would take them to an animal shelter. Even though I understood why she sent it, and that she had every right to send it, I knew it probably meant the end of my marriage. He didn't contact me until the next night when he was on his way home from the woods where he said he had no service. When he got home, he told me while he was fishing he realized what an ass he had been, and wanted to make it right, but when he saw the text message from my mom he was furious. He said he had to leave because my mom was kicking him out of the house. I knew this wasn't the case because I saw the messages she sent him. She was very kind, but direct, and it only had to do with the dogs, not him. We both fought and cried that entire night. I never slept and called into work the next day. We made the most amazing love that day and then he completely shut down. He went and got a moving trailer, loaded it up, and drove off without so much as a good bye. I was devastated. We didn't speak for a week or so. He had gone to live with his friend in a city about 50 miles from me. I read all the self help and relationship rescue books I could. I wanted to take responsibility for my part in how our relationship had gotten so of course. I knew we loved each other deeply. Overtime, I began driving to see him almost every weekend, or he would drive to see me (but he refused to move back home). Our romance was rekindled. We wanted to work things out. He got his college degree and began searching for jobs. I was very up front that I did not want to move far away. I was definitely willing to relocate, but not super far. He got an awesome job offer in a city that's 8 hours from where I live. It seemed pretty far, but feasible. I told him I would need some time before I would be ready to move and he was willing to give it to me. He moved there about a year ago. Since he's been there we have had definite ups and downs. In the back of my mind, I was always struggling with if it was a bad idea for me to leave the stability I have to move. I never doubted my love for him, I only feared that things would deteriorate to what they were when he moved out. 6 months into his time there, something happened that validated my fears. He decided to get another pitbull (he already had 1 there). I knew this was a bad idea, but I tried to be supportive. Several months after having the dog, the dog attacked his neighbors dog, and hurt the dog badly. He had to put his dog down. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but his knee jerk reaction was to get another pitbull. He wanted me to give him the number for the breeder down here where he got our other puppy. At this point, I put my foot down and said no. I said I cannot support you getting another dog when the circumstances have noth changed. I didn't understand why he couldn't give himself some time to mourn the dog he lost before rushing out to get another one. Furthermore, another aggressive breed put into the same situation. This made him mad and he stonewalled me.. The next morning I wake up to a text message that he snorted coke off of a stripper last night. At first, I honestly though he was joking. I waited from him to tell me he was kidding, but it never came. At this point I realized that he seemed too unstable for me to consider moving there. I wanted him to apologize and acknowledge this behavior, but he wouldn't. I felt so defeated. A week went by without us talking. I was deeply depressed. Over the next few months, I decided I needed to really start living my life here because I didn't think things were going to work out. I poured all my energy into my passion which is horses. I began taking lessons with my horse again and going to horse shows. I started to really enjoy my life. I think at some point, he realized he was losing me. This prompted him to make a 180 degree turn around. He acknowledged his behaviors that needed to change and wanted to do whatever it would take to make things work. He sent me flowers all the time, sweet text messages, and tried to really make me feel special. I was not used to the roles being reversed in our relationship like this. Normally, I was ALWAYS the one trying to save the relationship. I was the one always begging for him to stay and willing to work on the relationship. Now, for the first time in the history of our relationship, he was the one trying to save it. I wanted to save the relationship, but at the same time, I was really scared to invest all my emotions again. I was also really scared to leave my support network, and the life I had built for myself here. Ultimately though, I decided that I had to try to make our relationship work because I truly love him. I accepted a job where he was living, and was supposed to be moving out there NEXT weekend. About 2 weeks ago, he started seeming distant. I asked him what was wrong with him, and he would say he was tired or whatever. I know that I was also pulling back emotionally, because the reality of the move was becoming more real. I knew I would be excited once I got there, but I was mourning the loss of the life I created here. I also knew our relationship was on shaky ground. This past Monday, I get blind sided by a phone call from him telling me that he cheated on me. I truly know that it was a one night stand, and I'm not concerned that there was any emotional involvement. In fact, I am blaming myself a lot for it. I feel like I didn't validate him enough when he was trying so hard to change for our relationship. I feel like I neglected him and it ultimately lead to this. The kicker is that I still want to work things out, but it sounds like he is ready for divorce. He says he will regret what he did for the rest of his life, but that he doesn't have the energy to try to fix our relationship any more. All he wanted was for me to move out there.... it was about to happen.... then WHY did he pick NOW to mess up????The last time I talked to him, he said we needed some time without speaking and its been 5 days... I feel absolutely miserable. We have been through so much together, and know each other better than any one else could ever know us. I feel like I let my fears and reservations sabotage his attempts at fixing the relationship. I don’t take responsibility for his act of cheating, I just take responsibility for neglecting him when he was trying to be vulnerable. I want to work this out, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Not to mention, that he doesn’t even want to talk to me! I started typing this not knowing where it was going. Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing. Any insight would be appreciated.

[Satu]

Wall of text; didn't read.

[sandylee1]

My husband and I met in high school when we were both 15. When I had met him, I had just gotten out of a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship and I was lost.

 

I wasn't looking for someone when I found him. I can still remember the first time our eyes met and how it felt like I'd known him for years. There was a palpable connection and energy drawing me to him that I can't explain. Shortly after meeting, a whirlwind romance ensued. He was the ultimate nice guy that every girl dreams of... He waited outside the classroom to carry my books for me, he wrote me poems, he told me how beautiful I was... I think because of my low self esteem and being in an abusive relationship prior to that one, I did not know how to accept his acts of kindness. It scared me.

 

So I ditched him for a typical jerk that didn't really care about me (who dumped me shortly thereafter). It broke his heart. 6 months later, my lunch period had changed and the only table with people I knew was the one he was sitting at... To my surprise, he was perfectly nice to me even though he had every reason to hate me.

 

Over several months we became best friends and eventually lovers again. Not long after dating, I began to push him away again. This led to him sleeping with someone else. He confessed this to me. Immediately, I realized how stupid I had been to push such a caring person away. This really opened my eyes and made me appreciate what I had. From that point forward, we had 2 magical years together.

 

We were young, wild, and crazy teenagers experiencing the world together. It was truly the happiest time in my life. It wasn't until after high school that we began to experience problems again. The care free partying we did in high school had taken a more serious turn. We both were drinking too much and our recreational drug use became more frequent. This put a lot of strain on our relationship.

 

We both were broken people self medicating for different reasons. He comes from a broken home where he watched his father beat his mother and sister. His father abandoned him and denies his attempts to have a relationship with him. His mother is an alcoholic. I suffer from low self esteem. Periods of time during these 2 years, I knew we had to change our lives and I would quit doing drugs and focus on school. I would try to change my husband, FORCE him to change really... only to be disappointed when I would find out he was partying behind my back. This pattern bred much resentment between the two of us. However, one day my husband knew he had to do something to redirect the downward spiral his life was in.

 

He told me he was joining the army. This initially terrified me because we had never been apart, but then I realized he was doing it for us. When he went to basic training, we wrote each other love letters EVERY day. We both were completely focused on becoming the best people we could be individually, so we could have the best life TOGETHER. We got married after he graduated basic training. We maintained a long distance relationship while I finished school and he finished his military training . We were so in love and driven to make a life for ourselves.

 

 

I moved out to where he was stationed as soon as I graduated nursing school. Being a home body and very close to my family, it was one of the scariest things I ever did to move across the country to be with him. However, even though I was scared, I did not hesitate to make the move. NO DOUBTS. It was like we were finally starting our life together as our better selves. We settled into married life and enjoyed the little things couples do.

 

There was so much comfort and security in that time. We survived his first deployment to Iraq that brought us even closer. Even when we were oceans apart we felt so connected. It wasn't until his second deployment to Iraq that we started to have real problems again. Prior to leaving for his second deployment, he had started associating with people like the partiers we used to hang out with. This worried me, but I tried to let it go.

 

Then I found out that he had done cocaine with one of his friends. I was extremely concerned and angry because I knew the army drug tested frequently. I tried to warn him, but he continued to dismiss my concern. Sure enough, he got drug tested and failed within DAYS of deploying to Iraq. He went from being an extremely well respected soldier to on the verge of dishonorable discharge.

 

All of this caused me extreme anxiety. He was leaving for Iraq, I was across the country by myself, I didn't know if his career was over, etc. He ended up not getting dishonorably discharged, but he was demoted and ineligible for reenlistement. When he returned from Iraq, the problems continued. He got word that his childhood best friend had committed suicide. He began abusing pain killers and anti-anxiety medication to cope.

 

I wanted to be there for him, but I also resented how reckless his behavior was. I felt like he didn't realize how his reckless decisions affect BOTH of us. He got out of the army, and we moved back to our home state. Once again, we felt like we had a fresh start. Initially, everything was really great.

 

I found a job here as a nurse and he was using the GI bill to finish school. I think the transition out of the military took a toll on his self esteem. I think felt like he wasn't contributing enough. He was working at a grocery store and hated it. Then he started hanging out with his friends more. Once again, I felt like I was the responsible one in the relationship holding everything together and he was making irresponsible decisions (He got a DUI).

 

 

Overtime we became more like room mates. He resented me. I resented him. We fought over everything. He started sleeping on the couch. Our sex life suffered. He also began using steroids at this time.For a year and a half we lived like this... there were good and bad periods, but there was always an underlying tone of resentment. At the end of 2014, we had a terrible fight. It started on a Friday night... I could tell my husband was in a restless mood. It was like 10PM and he wanted to go out downtown.

 

My intuition told me this was not a good idea, but I knew there was no stopping him. We took a cab downtown, went to a few bars, and went back home. We both continued drinking once we got home, and I went to bed before he did. We both woke up in the morning to one of our dogs outside barking. He woke up EXTREMELY pissed off, and still drunk. He went outside and realized that the dog had escaped from the outdoor kennel he spent all day constructing (and money he didn't have). He storms back in the house shouting that he's going to shoot the dog. I lept out of bed and ran outside to protect the dog.

 

He was absolutely enraged that I wouldn't let him shoot the dog. I never felt as if he was going to harm me, but his behavior was scary. I called my mom as a last resort because I didn't know what to do. This made him even more mad. He told me he was leaving, that he'd "had 1 foot out the door for a long time," and that it was over.

 

His friend came to pick him up and he left for a fishing trip. Also, adding insult to injury, he left his friends dog there for me to watch and said "he'd be back at some point to get some more things and pick up the dog." The dog situation at our house was already out of control. We had 4 dogs, 2 of which were intact males, 1 female with puppies, and his friends female dog. We rented from my mom and I felt incredibly guilty because I was hiding this from her because I didn't want to make him mad.

 

The night after he left, my dog (the first dog that we had) got into a fight with his dog. Because of the out of control situation, the dogs were fighting occasionally, especially when he wasn't there. The night he left, my dog and his dog got into such a bad fight, that I thought they were going to kill each other.

 

I finally got them separated and one needed emergency medical attention. At this point, I called my mom to tell her what happened and I also felt it was necessary to confess about the dogs. She knew my husband left and we had know idea when he would be back. Out of concern for me and without my knowledge, she sent him a text message that stated nicely that she loved him and was sorry for how things were working out between us.

 

She also told him that because of the long hours I work, and the liability of having all these dogs that kept getting in fights, that he would have 48 hours to remove the dogs from the property or she would take them to an animal shelter. Even though I understood why she sent it, and that she had every right to send it, I knew it probably meant the end of my marriage.

 

 

He didn't contact me until the next night when he was on his way home from the woods where he said he had no service. When he got home, he told me while he was fishing he realized what an ass he had been, and wanted to make it right, but when he saw the text message from my mom he was furious.

 

He said he had to leave because my mom was kicking him out of the house. I knew this wasn't the case because I saw the messages she sent him. She was very kind, but direct, and it only had to do with the dogs, not him. We both fought and cried that entire night. I never slept and called into work the next day. We made the most amazing love that day and then he completely shut down.

 

He went and got a moving trailer, loaded it up, and drove off without so much as a good bye. I was devastated. We didn't speak for a week or so. He had gone to live with his friend in a city about 50 miles from me. I read all the self help and relationship rescue books I could. I wanted to take responsibility for my part in how our relationship had gotten so of course. I knew we loved each other deeply.

 

Overtime, I began driving to see him almost every weekend, or he would drive to see me (but he refused to move back home). Our romance was rekindled. We wanted to work things out. He got his college degree and began searching for jobs. I was very up front that I did not want to move far away. I was definitely willing to relocate, but not super far.

 

He got an awesome job offer in a city that's 8 hours from where I live. It seemed pretty far, but feasible. I told him I would need some time before I would be ready to move and he was willing to give it to me. He moved there about a year ago. Since he's been there we have had definite ups and downs.

 

In the back of my mind, I was always struggling with if it was a bad idea for me to leave the stability I have to move. I never doubted my love for him, I only feared that things would deteriorate to what they were when he moved out. 6 months into his time there, something happened that validated my fears.

 

He decided to get another pitbull (he already had 1 there). I knew this was a bad idea, but I tried to be supportive. Several months after having the dog, the dog attacked his neighbors dog, and hurt the dog badly. He had to put his dog down. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but his knee jerk reaction was to get another pitbull. He wanted me to give him the number for the breeder down here where he got our other puppy.

 

 

At this point, I put my foot down and said no. I said I cannot support you getting another dog when the circumstances have noth changed. I didn't understand why he couldn't give himself some time to mourn the dog he lost before rushing out to get another one. Furthermore, another aggressive breed put into the same situation. This made him mad and he stonewalled me.. The next morning I wake up to a text message that he snorted coke off of a stripper last night. At first, I honestly though he was joking. I waited from him to tell me he was kidding, but it never came.

 

 

At this point I realized that he seemed too unstable for me to consider moving there. I wanted him to apologize and acknowledge this behavior, but he wouldn't. I felt so defeated. A week went by without us talking. I was deeply depressed. Over the next few months, I decided I needed to really start living my life here because I didn't think things were going to work out. I poured all my energy into my passion which is horses.

 

I began taking lessons with my horse again and going to horse shows. I started to really enjoy my life. I think at some point, he realized he was losing me. This prompted him to make a 180 degree turn around. He acknowledged his behaviors that needed to change and wanted to do whatever it would take to make things work.

 

He sent me flowers all the time, sweet text messages, and tried to really make me feel special. I was not used to the roles being reversed in our relationship like this. Normally, I was ALWAYS the one trying to save the relationship. I was the one always begging for him to stay and willing to work on the relationship. Now, for the first time in the history of our relationship, he was the one trying to save it.

 

 

I wanted to save the relationship, but at the same time, I was really scared to invest all my emotions again. I was also really scared to leave my support network, and the life I had built for myself here. Ultimately though, I decided that I had to try to make our relationship work because I truly love him. I accepted a job where he was living, and was supposed to be moving out there NEXT weekend.

 

About 2 weeks ago, he started seeming distant. I asked him what was wrong with him, and he would say he was tired or whatever. I know that I was also pulling back emotionally, because the reality of the move was becoming more real. I knew I would be excited once I got there, but I was mourning the loss of the life I created here. I also knew our relationship was on shaky ground.

 

This past Monday, I get blind sided by a phone call from him telling me that he cheated on me. I truly know that it was a one night stand, and I'm not concerned that there was any emotional involvement. In fact, I am blaming myself a lot for it. I feel like I didn't validate him enough when he was trying so hard to change for our relationship.

 

 

I feel like I neglected him and it ultimately lead to this. The kicker is that I still want to work things out, but it sounds like he is ready for divorce. He says he will regret what he did for the rest of his life, but that he doesn't have the energy to try to fix our relationship any more.

 

All he wanted was for me to move out there.... it was about to happen.... then WHY did he pick NOW to mess up????The last time I talked to him, he said we needed some time without speaking and its been 5 days... I feel absolutely miserable. We have been through so much together, and know each other better than any one else could ever know us. I feel like I let my fears and reservations sabotage his attempts at fixing the relationship.

 

 

I don't take responsibility for his act of cheating, I just take responsibility for neglecting him when he was trying to be vulnerable. I want to work this out, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Not to mention, that he doesn’t even want to talk to me! I started typing this not knowing where it was going. Thanks to anyone who actually read this whole thing. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

I've attempted to seperate this and will try and read ...but it's very long.....and you're unlikely to get many responses..... so I'd suggest you try and summarise it.

[sandylee1]

Phew!

 

I've read through your post... and the truth is that if he isn't willing to or does not have the energy to fix this ...you have no chance.

 

It's good that he fessed up ... but he's got a lot of problems in his life ...The constant use of drugs will just drag you down. It seems you were doing so well until he came back... then began acting immature with all these dogs.

 

You could work on the infidelity if he was willing to... he's messed up and now he can't be bothered to do what it takes.

 

So much has gone on with you two. .... I really think you'd be better apart.

[brokenhart87]

Phew!

 

I've read through your post... and the truth is that if he isn't willing to or does not have the energy to fix this ...you have no chance.

 

It's good that he fessed up ... but he's got a lot of problems in his life ...The constant use of drugs will just drag you down. It seems you were doing so well until he came back... then began acting immature with all these dogs.

 

You could work on the infidelity if he was willing to... he's messed up and now he can't be bothered to do what it takes.

 

So much has gone on with you two. .... I really think you'd be better apart.

 

Thank you for your advice. I know this post was ridiculously long. It was cathartic for me to try to condense 12 years of our relationship. I wish he wanted to work things out and I wish that I didn't have guilt for taking him for granted at the end when he was actually trying.

[brokenhart87]

I've attempted to seperate this and will try and read ...but it's very long.....and you're unlikely to get many responses..... so I'd suggest you try and summarise it.

 

Thank you. Once I started typing, it just kept going and the process was cathartic for me. I understand if no one wants to take the time to read it. It really just helped me to write it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

brokenhart87, from your post you sound much more mature and stable than he. I'd be surprised if he straightens out for quite awhile. Imo, you're fortunate he wants to separate but I really believe he'll be back since he's so unstable. I'd advise you to move on and have a good life. I doubt you'd have one with him.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.

 

For a start you guys have been together since you were very, very young so a lot of 'normal' silly growing-up stuff has become part of your relationship woes. Many people have done dumb stuff as teens, early 20's but it's long forgotten now that they're grown-ups, away from all the childish stuff, in new grown-up relationships.

 

I met my husband young. I've realized that I'm as much part of his 'nurturing' as his parents!! You teach someone how they can treat you. As you say, you've always been fighting for your relationship & you seem to excuse him for a lot AND you are VERY willing to take the blame for his bad behavior. STOP!!

 

Wives do not blame themselves for their husbands "snorting coke off of a stripper" or having one night stands!! STOP!!

 

He's still very young but he's also STILL very immature.

 

Do you want this relationship? REALLY?? It's going to take a lot of hard work & from what you've said I don't think he's mature enough to do what it takes.

 

For a start he's got to break some of his 'friendships'. I think he has a lot of 'mates' who are NOT friends of your marriage. Basically bad influences. He's not doing drugs & mixing with strippers alone!!

 

PLEASE don't get pregnant!! He's definitely not ready to become a father.

 

Will he go to marriage counseling with you?

 

Honestly your marriage is such a mess now I think you need a professional to start you on the right track.

 

I don't want to advise you to give-up. Just think long & hard about the life that you want & need. Keep writing, I find it incredibly helpful to get my thoughts ordered too. You wrote a lot. I'm not sure what else I can say right now....

 

Best wishes.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry. One more thing...

 

I moved away from my friends & family to support my husband. Please be careful. Isolation is so hard to deal with. I found myself tolerating things I shouldn't of because I had nowhere to run.

 

In a difficult marriage having family close is not only supportive but also socializing with mature, trustworthy, loving people helps your relationship.

 

Really think before you move away.

[Mundo]

Someties its hard to accept that things are done. His actions, sniffing coke off strippers and a one night stand, are not actions of a person that respects or values you.

 

He sees you are happy and moving on, so he tries to insert himself back into your life. You let him in and things appear good but ultimately revert back to bad.

 

From personal experience in dealing with a divorce I dont want, you may not see it now or want to accept it, but perhaps its time to admit its over and its time to move on.

 

You shouldnt have to sacrafice a happy and healthy life on a realationship that may not be saveable. If he was really commited to fixingg things he would not have cheated. He has only admitted to cheating once but is that really the truth? The old addage once a chater always a cheater comes to mind.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide and hopefully things work out for the best.