Struggling to move on

[darstar007]

Hi all,

 

My wife of 9 years left me out of the blue and filed for divorce in Sep 2014 after she found someone else. I was completely blindsided and devastated because she never indicated any problem with me. Our divorce was completed in July 2015 and she put in a clause to make sure we never contact each other again. Basically she did not just leave our marriage, she wiped my existence from her life!!! A year and a half later, I still think of her constantly and keep wondering what I could've done differently to avoid what happened because I loved her very much. I have been depressed ever since she left me and recently I am experiencing even worse anxiety about my future. I am 44 years old and wanted to have children. She told me she wanted children too, but was lying about taking birth control the whole time.

 

I have been seeing a counselor with very little benefit so far. Her advise is good, but my depression is keeping my motivation suppressed. I took Zoloft for a few months during the divorce and felt a little better. Two months after I stopped and experienced bad withdrawal symptoms till I got it out of my system. Unfortunately, my depression just got worse. I've resumed Zoloft for 3 weeks now and still feel like crap. I just don't know why I can't be angry instead of hurt by what she did. Anger is a healthy emotion for me. It motivates me to do positive things. This self-pity and depression/anxiety are so harmful. My life is passing by and I can't get out of my rut.

 

I'm sure this is not uncommon. I just wonder when it will get better....

[Satu]

You haven't properly completed your grieving.

 

In fact, I don't think you've started it.

 

On a certain level, you are frightened of surrendering to the grieving process, and confronting the true magnitude of the loss.

 

What you call depression is blocked grief.

 

You are frozen at the point just before you would begin the grieving process; stuck in a moment.

 

Change your counsellor and switch to someone who specialises in loss and bereavement.

 

 

Take care.

[darstar007]

You haven't properly completed your grieving.

 

In fact, I don't think you've started it.

 

On a certain level, you are frightened of surrendering to the grieving process, and confronting the true magnitude of the loss.

 

What you call depression is blocked grief.

 

You are frozen at the point just before you would begin the grieving process; stuck in a moment.

 

Change your counsellor and switch to someone who specialises in loss and bereavement.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for the reply. I actually feel that I have been grieving too long. I feel that I am losing myself only thinking about the past and not being able to put the past aside. At my age and wanting to have children, I feel like the clock is ticking. Sometimes I think that is the real source of my anxiety. That I "thought" I was close to having something that may never come again.

 

I agree thought that I think a new counselor might be a good idea. I've seen her ~ 20 times and I'm not turning the corner.

[AloneAgain34]

I'm sorry for your loss. I am going through the relationship grieving process myself right now... A couple of days ago ProdigalMe posted this post in relation to another thread. Although I have good and bad days, there's something about this post that articulates with me, and I'm hoping it might with you too. We are in charge of our own happiness. We are better off without our exes who clearly don't love us or treasure us...

 

Hang in there and stay strong.

 

 

ProdigalMe:

"Many of us feel stuck because we feel like our Ex or STBX is in control of our lives. They dumped us, and now we feel powerless/worthless. The truth is, they do not control us. We choose to let them control us. We choose to let them have power over us.

 

We long for them, we hold a candle for them, we obsess about what they are up to, whether they think about us, whether they value us, whether they are with someone else and having the time of their lives. And the list goes on and on.

 

But, and I have to remind myself of this constantly, why do we let one person in the whole universe have that much power over how we live our lives, or what value we place on ourselves? Why does one other person's opinion matter that much to us? It shouldn't, and it doesn't.

 

You are a train. Your life is a train. Have you ever seen one person step onto a track and stop a moving train? No, you haven't. The train is way too powerful. Your train is way too powerful.

 

Remind yourself that you are a train. Whether they value you or not really does not matter anymore. Their opinion has no power to stop you. Your train is leaving the station, and leaving them far behind. The important people, the ones who matter, they're already on board with you.

 

Full speed ahead. Feel that rumbling power from deep below? It's coming from you."

[darstar007]

I'm sorry for your loss. I am going through the relationship grieving process myself right now... A couple of days ago ProdigalMe posted this post in relation to another thread. Although I have good and bad days, there's something about this post that articulates with me, and I'm hoping it might with you too. We are in charge of our own happiness. We are better off without our exes who clearly don't love us or treasure us...

 

Hang in there and stay strong.

 

 

ProdigalMe:

"Many of us feel stuck because we feel like our Ex or STBX is in control of our lives. They dumped us, and now we feel powerless/worthless. The truth is, they do not control us. We choose to let them control us. We choose to let them have power over us.

 

We long for them, we hold a candle for them, we obsess about what they are up to, whether they think about us, whether they value us, whether they are with someone else and having the time of their lives. And the list goes on and on.

 

But, and I have to remind myself of this constantly, why do we let one person in the whole universe have that much power over how we live our lives, or what value we place on ourselves? Why does one other person's opinion matter that much to us? It shouldn't, and it doesn't.

 

You are a train. Your life is a train. Have you ever seen one person step onto a track and stop a moving train? No, you haven't. The train is way too powerful. Your train is way too powerful.

 

Remind yourself that you are a train. Whether they value you or not really does not matter anymore. Their opinion has no power to stop you. Your train is leaving the station, and leaving them far behind. The important people, the ones who matter, they're already on board with you.

 

Full speed ahead. Feel that rumbling power from deep below? It's coming from you."

 

Thank you for the inspirational post AloneAgain34.

 

The part that is straight from my brain:

 

"We long for them, we hold a candle for them, we obsess about what they are up to, whether they think about us, whether they value us, whether they are with someone else and having the time of their lives. And the list goes on and on."

 

I know that these thoughts have no benefit whatsoever and are hampering my recovery. I do know that I am only adding injury to what she inflicted on me. The whole thing is so senseless and unfair, but alas, such is life.

 

The words of ProdigalMe are certainly the truth. The issue is getting myself receptive to that message. I go through this vicious cycle everyday where I wake up full of anxiety and pain and reach a level of acceptance by the end of the night and then repeat the process all over again. I just want OFF of the roller coaster.

[AloneAgain34]

I hear and feel your pain. I really do.

 

This is not meant to in any way trivialise what you're feeling but do you have a pet? My dog has been my rock during my separation! Her unconditional love, her need for me even for simple things like walks and food, her companionship. It's helped me a lot.

 

Small steps are the key I think.

[darstar007]

I hear and feel your pain. I really do.

 

This is not meant to in any way trivialise what you're feeling but do you have a pet? My dog has been my rock during my separation! Her unconditional love, her need for me even for simple things like walks and food, her companionship. It's helped me a lot.

 

Small steps are the key I think.

 

 

No I actually don't though I've heard that pets can be a great source of positive diversion.

 

I've mainly immersed myself in my job (I'm a software engr). But as I work hard everyday, I ask myself, "to what end"? I made my wife the centerpiece of my life and our future and she is gone now. I do activities like hiking and running and they DO help, but they are all bandages on a wound that is not healing. I need to heal the wound somehow. One day it will I pray.

[startingagain15]

As far as the antidepressants I've never done well on zoloft. Maybe consider asking the doctor for a different one, different ones work differently in the way they effect people. Zoloft always left me emotionless and unmotivated, but at least I wasn't crying all day long, . I've since found something that works much better for me. Best of luck.

[Steen719]

One question I have had in my mind for quite a while is why people react so differently to similar situations. I know foo and all of that, but still, some people seem to have a harder time with this kind of thing than others. Of course, it could also be that some people don't express it as much - just not sure. Anyway, I'm one of those who took it hard. I won't go into my situation for you, as it is there if you want to read, but I cried for quite some time and felt very depressed.

 

Crying is cathartic. Talking to people who care about you is cathartic. Having pets, as someone said, was invaluable to me. I walked them a few times a day and honestly just having them some days made it so much better. I went to a divorce group and met some great people who understood what I was going through.

 

Most importantly, I learned that I had to walk through the pain or it would never get better. I mean that. I don't mean it sound trite. I am very sincere. The pain was intense for me and when I started feeling just a little better, I was so grateful, even if it didn't last long because I knew that I would get better in the future. So, I cried when I needed to and it got better.

 

This forum also really helped. There are some wonderful and caring people who will listen to you and try to help you. It helped me to read other posts and it helped me to respond to other people who needed help. That brings up the last point. Helping others is a good thing to help you. If you are going to adopt a dog from the shelter, then maybe you can get involved with that agency and help some dogs and the people who help them.

 

Good luck. You will feel better. It takes time and that sucks, but it is true. Keep posting

[AloneAgain34]

I agree with steen... The way I cope with the constant hurt and heartbreak is to try and focus on helping others rather than focussing upon how awful I feel. If I can help someone in a small way, the world feels better and I forget for a minute that I am alone. Caring for my dog gives me a purpose beyond my work, which I also have engrossed myself in. By giving to the world rather than thinking about my loss, it has made my own hurt more manageable.

 

You will get through this. Xo

[darstar007]

As far as the antidepressants I've never done well on zoloft. Maybe consider asking the doctor for a different one, different ones work differently in the way they effect people. Zoloft always left me emotionless and unmotivated, but at least I wasn't crying all day long, . I've since found something that works much better for me. Best of luck.

 

So my doctor who I've been with for ages and whose opinion I deeply respect suggested Zoloft. I have never been one for taking medication to deal with my mental state, but I guess I was lucky that nothing this gut wrenching had happened to me up till now. I started taking Zoloft during the divorce process. I don't recall exactly how I felt, I just felt better. I felt good enough that after the divorce was finalized I stopped taking it gradually 2 months after. I really had very bad withdrawal symptoms, bad "brain zaps" that finally went away after a month. I believe I tapered off too aggressively. I sincereley did not want to take it again, but my depresssion and anxiety are getting worse than any side effect. I am now in my 3rd week at 50 mg. My doctor said it will take 4 weeks before I see any improvement. I'm just looking for something that will break me out of this cycle I'm in.

[darstar007]

One question I have had in my mind for quite a while is why people react so differently to similar situations. I know foo and all of that, but still, some people seem to have a harder time with this kind of thing than others. Of course, it could also be that some people don't express it as much - just not sure. Anyway, I'm one of those who took it hard. I won't go into my situation for you, as it is there if you want to read, but I cried for quite some time and felt very depressed.

 

Crying is cathartic. Talking to people who care about you is cathartic. Having pets, as someone said, was invaluable to me. I walked them a few times a day and honestly just having them some days made it so much better. I went to a divorce group and met some great people who understood what I was going through.

 

Most importantly, I learned that I had to walk through the pain or it would never get better. I mean that. I don't mean it sound trite. I am very sincere. The pain was intense for me and when I started feeling just a little better, I was so grateful, even if it didn't last long because I knew that I would get better in the future. So, I cried when I needed to and it got better.

 

This forum also really helped. There are some wonderful and caring people who will listen to you and try to help you. It helped me to read other posts and it helped me to respond to other people who needed help. That brings up the last point. Helping others is a good thing to help you. If you are going to adopt a dog from the shelter, then maybe you can get involved with that agency and help some dogs and the people who help them.

 

Good luck. You will feel better. It takes time and that sucks, but it is true. Keep posting

 

I am envious of folks who can handle this easier. Most people I tell what my wife did to me tell me they would be glad that person is gone and would not ever want to see, hear, or think about her again. I too understand that I did not deserve what she did to me. I just feel like a failure that I could not get her to see how much I loved her. I feel that she made a huge mistake, but it's not something that a person can decide for another person. At the end she would not listen to any of my entreaties. That made me feel so helpless in the end. Thank you for the advice. Every bit helps.

[darstar007]

I agree with steen... The way I cope with the constant hurt and heartbreak is to try and focus on helping others rather than focussing upon how awful I feel. If I can help someone in a small way, the world feels better and I forget for a minute that I am alone. Caring for my dog gives me a purpose beyond my work, which I also have engrossed myself in. By giving to the world rather than thinking about my loss, it has made my own hurt more manageable.

 

You will get through this. Xo

 

I understand that its the little things that will get us through this. Just waiting for that day when I don't think of this episode in my life or at least be in such a good place that I don't care anymore.

[Mikep88]

Hi there, it has only been 3 months since she moved out and asked for a divorce. I take break ups real badly and this divorce feels like it's killing me slowly and softly from the inside especially because I know she is already in another relationship. I went to the Dr. and he prescribed Zoloft 10mg but it feels like it's not working even though I've been on it for 8weeks. I'm thinking of going back to the doc to up my dosage. Advice I can give you is to surround yourself with your friends and family. I know they say time heals everything....people are different and some just take longer to heal than other. Another thing that helps me alot is this site...just to read all the advice others give and their stories. I feel for you...trust me I do!!

[darstar007]

Hi there, it has only been 3 months since she moved out and asked for a divorce. I take break ups real badly and this divorce feels like it's killing me slowly and softly from the inside especially because I know she is already in another relationship. I went to the Dr. and he prescribed Zoloft 10mg but it feels like it's not working even though I've been on it for 8weeks. I'm thinking of going back to the doc to up my dosage. Advice I can give you is to surround yourself with your friends and family. I know they say time heals everything....people are different and some just take longer to heal than other. Another thing that helps me alot is this site...just to read all the advice others give and their stories. I feel for you...trust me I do!!

 

I appreciate the post Mike. I never experienced anything close to this. Any breakup I had before was kind of mutual. There were things that lead up to it. In this case I was completely blindsided. While I was busily earning a living and supporting us, she was out messing around behind my back. The worst part for me is that, at the end, she did not treat me with an ounce of dignity. I do know that time will heal this, but 18 months later the pain is still so raw, that's what I'm hoping the Zoloft will help me with. I'm on 50 mg with the goal of getting to 75 mg and staying there. I can't imagine 10mg making a dent If you are only 3 months in then you are probably on a normal grieving path. In my case, I think 18 months is too much to be THIS depressed. Best to you too.

[darstar007]

The biggest problem I have is not thinking about her and what she is doing in her life that made me expendable. She was so selfish that she did not even help me get closure.

[Mikep88]

The biggest problem I have is not thinking about her and what she is doing in her life that made me expendable. She was so selfish that she did not even help me get closure.

 

That is my biggest obstacle at the moment...not thinking about her new life with new boyfriend....but I believe in time.Mine was selfish for not telling me what went on...but atleast I found out for myself!!! Sorry for hijacking your post.