Don't know how to 'get out there'

[itstoni]

I know exactly where you should start.Forget women, start with loving yourself. You can't love anyone else until you love you. Start by going to the gym, get fit, look good - feel good. People will notice, especially women. Focus on your passion and hobbies. Get that dream of owning a business. Go out and meet random people. Learn something new everyday. Read - knowledge is power. Read self-improve books. Do ANYTHING that makes your life that much extraordinary.

 

Slowly you'll learn to how to create your own happiness and won't need anyone else when you realize this. You'll have gain confidence and then go venture out loving people again - or you can love and you learn to

[Steven1]

How long you been single for? How old are you?

 

Id say wait about a year or so before you start dating again.

 

You need time to heal and enjoy yourself with your friends etc..

 

Why did you 2 break up??

 

once your completely over your ex you can then start dating again (How ever long it takes)

 

 

Been single now for about 9 weeks but me and my ex are still at kind of an impasse in the situation. We were no contact for 8 weeks until she texted me the other day asking how I was and saying she was sorry if she hurt me etc, and we talked about the reasons we broke up, texted a few days and yesterday we spoke about how if she had brought it up sooner we could have possibly fixed it, said she knew where I was coming from and does at the least want to be friends and see each other again soon, but for the time being still needs some space.

 

We broke up when she started Uni here, she said it was all a big change for her, new country, new surroundings, away from her family etc and around people all the time, said that she felt that since she started Uni that she thought we were becoming well bonded friends rather than a couple, and that she felt her romantic feelings for me weren't as strong as they used to be (to which she took the blame for), she said it was likely she would be with someone soon, but still went on to say she doesn't think she'll trust anyone as much as me etc, and it's not the first time that she's felt like she's wanted to just try being with someone else as I'm the only boyfriend she's had or done anything with (likewise the same for me).

 

After we had that convo I told her if she had told me this before, maybe a break would have been better and to see if we could start over, she kind of agreed on it and said she knew where I was coming from etc. And then we said (her more than me) said she thinks we still need some more time apart.

[thecrucible]

After we had that convo I told her if she had told me this before, maybe a break would have been better and to see if we could start over, she kind of agreed on it and said she knew where I was coming from etc. And then we said (her more than me) said she thinks we still need some more time apart.

 

I think it is wonderful that there seems to be no animosity between you in this breakup. Starting university is a big change and it can be really difficult to maintain a long term relationship at the same time and it will be even more difficult with your work hours to find time to see each other. Actually, how far apart are you distance-wise?

 

I don't want to sound all negative so I hope this doesn't sound awful. I can just say from my own experience of being in a long-distance relationship while studying, it can be really difficult to keep the romantic spark going when the other person isn't there on a daily basis. Some of my university friends were in long term relationships and later married the person they were long-distance with, but there were trying times they had to get through to get to that stage. It took effort from both of them. It's easy to think "what if?" when a relationship goes wrong but if one person is more invested than the other, and the other wants to escape then it's never going to work out. It's her first relationship so she may feel an urge to spread her wings a bit before she settles down. It doesn't mean that your relationship was worth nothing to do her - it's just the stage she is at mentally.

[Steven1]

I think it is wonderful that there seems to be no animosity between you in this breakup. Starting university is a big change and it can be really difficult to maintain a long term relationship at the same time and it will be even more difficult with your work hours to find time to see each other. Actually, how far apart are you distance-wise?

 

I don't want to sound all negative so I hope this doesn't sound awful. I can just say from my own experience of being in a long-distance relationship while studying, it can be really difficult to keep the romantic spark going when the other person isn't there on a daily basis. Some of my university friends were in long term relationships and later married the person they were long-distance with, but there were trying times they had to get through to get to that stage. It took effort from both of them. It's easy to think "what if?" when a relationship goes wrong but if one person is more invested than the other, and the other wants to escape then it's never going to work out. It's her first relationship so she may feel an urge to spread her wings a bit before she settles down. It doesn't mean that your relationship was worth nothing to do her - it's just the stage she is at mentally.

 

 

I think we went through to much together to ever really have any ill feeling towards one another.

 

The distance thing wasn't really an issue. She was only about an hour and bit away on the train so it was never an issue of going to see her. Prior to this she was in Canada and me in the UK, and we had to make do with me going there for 6 months at a time etc.

 

She basically said (as I posted above) that she felt for a while when she was at Uni that we had become 'comfortable' and that she started to see me as a best friend, to which she took the blame for. When I was going down to see her it was nearly every other week for 3/4 days at a time staying in hotels etc. I stayed with her at the Uni over Christmas and New Year. But I know the distance was never an issue.

 

She had dropped the line before that she's never experienced being with anyone else and I think being around men all the time especially at Uni that her head got turned. She goes out clubbing etc quite a bit and she would tell me that guys would make advances to her but she would always push them away.

 

When her and her sister when to Portugal her sister was calling her a 'bad girlfriend' joking because she was speaking to guys etc (just talking) and I never had any issues with that as I fully trusted her.

[Steven1]

I think as well that, although I'm 25 at the end of the year, I think this is something that will just take me quite a while to come to terms with and accept. It's going to be extremely hard not to compare people to my ex.

 

Not just that though, I feel extremely new to this even after a long term relationship. I know my ex has said she will be moving on or will at least end up doing something with someone else in the near future (probably).

 

But I hate going out anywhere alone, I would always take my ex out to dinners and fancy hotels etc, movies, holidays and so on. I've never felt comfortable to just walk into a club or anything like that by myself, and even online, I haven't got it in me to go on a dating website etc.

[thecrucible]

But I hate going out anywhere alone, I would always take my ex out to dinners and fancy hotels etc, movies, holidays and so on. I've never felt comfortable to just walk into a club or anything like that by myself, and even online, I haven't got it in me to go on a dating website etc.

 

It will happen all in good time. If hard experiences in life have taught me anything, it's that we have to get through the bad times but there is always going to be something a lot better at the end of it if we are prepared to deal with it as well as we can. I wouldn't push yourself to go on a dating site or do anything you are not ready to do. Also I'm not suggesting this for you if it makes you feel uncomfortable but hey I take myself out to dinner as often as I can now - at first it felt weird, but now I think nothing of it. I'm also happy to travel by myself. You can use this time to focus more on friendship and your friendship experiences - you can go clubbing together with friends, weekends away and that sort of thing.

 

It's totally normal to feel this way and for a while you will be comparing women to your ex. I think you'll be ready to date when you stop thinking about her as much but this is a normal part of the process and it just takes some time to get used to a routine as a single person and for them to not be as much part of your life. Personally I know when I'm ready for dating when I don't bring them up in conversation any more and when other men start to catch my eye. You have to be kind yourself and not force yourself and when you are ready to date again, you will know it.

[thecrucible]

Also maybe you are an emotional person like me (I'm totally speculating btw) but I used to wallow in things a lot - I would spend hours mulling over a breakup and why this and that didn't work. And then during my last breakup, a friend gave me advice which I totally took on board. She said I spend far too long talking about things and going round in circles and it never really makes me feel much better. So somehow I learned not to wallow in things as much and if I catch myself wallowing now, I immediately go and do something like go to the gym (endorphins are great) or do something useful in the house. Actually I still find it hard to completely curtail my tendency to analyse situations but it has improved greatly. Anyway, you see my point. It's good to think about things but at the same time, it'd be good to put down a few plans and actions you want to take to increase positivity in your life so you are 'doing' as well as 'thinking'.

[Toodaloo]

I think as well that, although I'm 25 at the end of the year, I think this is something that will just take me quite a while to come to terms with and accept. It's going to be extremely hard not to compare people to my ex.

 

Not just that though, I feel extremely new to this even after a long term relationship. I know my ex has said she will be moving on or will at least end up doing something with someone else in the near future (probably).

 

But I hate going out anywhere alone, I would always take my ex out to dinners and fancy hotels etc, movies, holidays and so on. I've never felt comfortable to just walk into a club or anything like that by myself, and even online, I haven't got it in me to go on a dating website etc.

 

You are no age at all. I always thought the "old" folk that used to say that to me were speaking out of their bottoms but with age comes perspective. In 10 years you will look back and smile to yourself that you felt this way. Yup older and wiser you shall be as Yoda may or may not have said!!!

 

Its only been a few weeks so you are still in the grieving phase. Let that phase run.

 

If you hate going out alone then go out with friends and family. Forge tight connections and keep them. Get involved in sports, activities etc.

 

Once you get over this properly then you will not compare others to your ex. The only reason why you are now is because you need more time.

 

Give yourself that. You do not need to rush.

[Steven1]

You are no age at all. I always thought the "old" folk that used to say that to me were speaking out of their bottoms but with age comes perspective. In 10 years you will look back and smile to yourself that you felt this way. Yup older and wiser you shall be as Yoda may or may not have said!!!

 

Its only been a few weeks so you are still in the grieving phase. Let that phase run.

 

If you hate going out alone then go out with friends and family. Forge tight connections and keep them. Get involved in sports, activities etc.

 

Once you get over this properly then you will not compare others to your ex. The only reason why you are now is because you need more time.

 

Give yourself that. You do not need to rush.

 

 

I think it's still because there is also a level of uncertainty as to what is happening.

 

As I said she has said in the past before that she's felt as though she needs to experience being with someone else after me and her were together all through her teen years etc and I think that it's something she has to get out of her system etc.., when we were texting the other day when I said she should have told me etc so we could have worked on it, she said she knew where I was coming from about it and that she does want to see me again etc , she did throw in "as friends" but she never rejected the idea of her feeling differently about us down the line.

 

She's usually always been very forward with me about things like that, so I have to wonder if there is still some undecisiveness going through her mind about the whole thing.

[Toodaloo]

Nope.

 

She is keeping you dangling. She doesn't want you but equally she doesn't want to be on her own... so she is keeping you on a string as a back up.

 

Grow a pair and move on.

 

Life goes by so damned fast its a shame to waste it like that. Waste is on getting your mind in a better place, healing your heart and making friends. That is what will count.

[Steven1]

was having a conversation with some of my friends today about it, who shared their experiences and experiences of people they know etc. And it did get me thinking in a way about my own relationship. As I touched on she did change me as a person (very much for the better) she got me looking a lot better, smarter, more presentable etc. I was always a bit self conscious on my looks and I think that is something I could have worked on, which I am now with the Gym being a daily thing. So I take care of myself a lot better.

 

Anyway, two of my friends had their own experiences which got me onto this subject of regaining the 'spark'. One of my friends was in a relationship for 3 years, they both went to Uni and ended up breaking up during the first month, they both dated other people in that time, but at the end of Uni they got back together as they both changed and got things out of the way that they felt they had to. They are now happily married with kids.

 

Another one was similar, they had been together 5 years since high school, the girlfriend went to Uni where as he was working, again they broke up during the first week of her being at Uni, they both dated other people but after about 6/7 months they met up as friends, and they realized that they threw what they had away over nothing, again got happily married with kids..

 

If I was to look at it from the standpoint of , If I continue to work to better myself, become fitter at the Gym, different hair style etc pretty much just a much better, more confident self, do you think there is any possibility that the relationship could regain that spark once we met again and she perhaps seen how more confident I was etc? As I said for it being a no lose situation, worst case scenario is that I do better myself a long the way, with the best case scenario being that we got back together.

 

I know it's a long shot, but looking at it from that view point, do you think it is possible to bring new life into a relationship?

[thecrucible]

I think you will drive yourself mad for a while thinking about ways in which at some point in future you might get back together again or the relationship can restart. I recommend that you bring an end to the relationship in your mind or it will make you unhappy. In 5 years time you are going to be a different person so I don't think you should close off the possibility of meeting someone who could make you as happy as your ex did, or even happier on the vague possibility that in 5 years time, you might get back together. You can't compare your relationship to others because they are unique situations. I definitely agree that go and get fitter and work on yourself because this worked for me to put a spring in my step after a breakup.

[Steven1]

I think going back to the original question on this too that, I know it will probably change, but it just seems as though I have very little desire to 'flirt' etc which is making this last longer imo. It's as though I've forgotten where the lines is between general chat/flirt and being to direct and not wanting to be overwhelming/forward etc.

[Steven1]

Hey guys

 

Been a few months since I came out of a 7 year relationship (February officially...January when the problems started).

 

Anyway. Since then I've moved on to a place where I've accepted it's over, she's now with someone else as well. I started going to the gym 6 days a week etc (still do) which helped me get it off my mind a lot.

 

Anyway, since then I've been asked out a few times by women who to be honest most people would say yes to, but for me I just can't, I know that sounds silly. It's not because I don't want to, there's just seems to be a brick wall as soon as the question of meeting up or doing this or that comes up, my mind just reverts to saying no or thinking of an excuse.

 

I'm fine with women, talking,flirting etc, up until that point. Not really sure what's wrong to be honest! aha.