Why do I feel angry? I'm the one who betrayed him.

[Donburi]

Recently I have been feeling very very angry, I don't understand it.

My ex is in Japan for three weeks, he is using this time to get away from all

the drama that has been happening around here lately. A little more than a month ago, he walked in on his friend touching me in intimate places in which I did not stop right away. He is using this time to decide later on if he still wants to be with me or not. He has made it very clear that he does not want to be with me right now. Why do I feel this way? What right to I have to feel this way?! I'm the one

who betrayed my ex who I love with all my heart, I destroyed him and made

him lose trust in me and I'M the one who feels angry??? whats wrong with me?

 

 

Call me a selfish heartless b*tch which I am, but part of me has grown to resent him. I'm mad that he won't tell his friends to stop posting livejournals about how much he has told them all he hates me, though he has good reason, he doesn't want to get involved with any more of this drama. I'm mad that he probably does have an answer which is he doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't have the f*cking balls to tell me, I'm mad that (I know I'm being the biggest hyprocite EVER by saying this, please understand that I'm under stress and just letting off some steam) that he doesn't love me enough to at least try to work things out, I'm mad that he couldn't tell me an answer BEFORE he left for Japan because he probably wants to go out and see if there is a better girl for him out there, I'm mad that he probably isn't EVER going to give me an answer because he is passive to a fault, I'm mad that when we were together he ignored me alot of the times for his stupid videogames, I'm mad that he did have his good points and thats why I can't forget about him and move on, I'm mad because I just don't know what is going to happen!!

 

 

I'M JUST MAD!!!!

 

 

All these thoughts come from my insecure, paranoid mind, just to warn you.

 

Is it normal to feel angry? I mean, I know it is when someone dumps you, and even though my ex did intiate the breakup, I'M the one who betrayed him. Why the hell am I feeling angry? Before I started to feel this way the only emotions I felt were guilt and sadness. I still feel this way but now angry has been added in and recently its been pretty bad...what is wrong with me....

[Sal Paradise]

Is it Normal to be angry? Yes.

 

Is it justified for you to be angry at him? No.

 

A lot of the anger could stem from the fact that you know you caused this mess. And you're directing that frustration at him.

 

A little more than a month ago, he walked in on his friend touching me in intimate places in which I did not stop right away. He is using this time to decide later on if he still wants to be with me or not. He has made it very clear that he does not want to be with me right now.

 

I think considering the fact that you cheated on him with his friend (thats cheating, once you chose not to stop it you became a cheater) it is completely understandable that he wants some time to sort things out in his head. He was betrayed by two people whom he though loved and cared about him. You have destroyed his self esteem. He is probably thinking "how can I trust anyone I am close to?"......he is probably unsure of his ability to read the people around him, and see whether they're good people or not. He is thinking If two people he loved could do this to him how is he going to ever trust anyone again. You have not only made him doubt you and his friend, but everyone in his life, most of all he is doubting himself. He is feeling completely worthless right now.

 

If you want to continue this relationship then you will just have to wait till he sorts thru all of this.

 

Why do I feel this way?

 

You're human.

 

What right to I have to feel this way?!

 

No right really. You caused this mess. But its natural to feel a bit angry. Just realize you're confused right now. You need to get control of that anger because its unjustified. He has every right to want to take some time to think this all thru. Wanting LC and some time a part after something like this is natural. He is being honest with you and telling you he isn't sure if he wants you anymore.

 

You don't have to stay around and wait. But at the same time you have no right to make demands that he make up his mind. Its only been a few days since he left for Japan, be patient, give him his time.

 

whats wrong with me?

 

I don't mean any offense with the following, I'm trying to help ......

 

You're a bit selfish, self absorbed, overly insecure, and overly needy. You make everything about you. A lot of this stems from the low self esteem. You need to find your own friends and create your own life. You should be using this time apart to work on you. Most of the problems in your relationship with him started because you're insecure and way too needy. You need constant attention. And when you don't get it you feel he doesn't love you. Thats why you cheated. You didn't love the guy, you loved the attention he gave. Its normal to like attention, its however unhealthy to need constant attention.

 

You need to fix you. Even if he decides to stay with you it won't work if you stay the way you are. You need professional help. You seem to love him but his love isn't enough. No one person can satisfy you right now because of your insecurity/self-esteem issues. I really suggest seeing a therapist while he is gone.

 

Appearing overly needy isn't attractive.

 

Call me a selfish heartless b*tch which I am, but part of me has grown to resent him.

 

That is your selfishn self-absorbed side taking over. You're making it about you and concentrating on the things you dislike about how he is handling this instead of focusing on your own short comings. He isn't doing things fast enough or in the manner you want. You have no control over the situation and its driving you crazy. Continue down this path and you will push him away. You will also push others away.

 

I'm mad that he won't tell his friends to stop posting livejournals about how much he has told them all he hates me, though he has good reason, he doesn't want to get involved with any more of this drama.

 

You betrayed him with one of his friends. His friends continue to be friends with the OM. I can imagine he doesn't want to be involved with this BS. He is handling it the right way. You're handling it the wrong way. No one is forcing you to read that crap. Once again you're making all of this about you and how it effects you. He isn't your BF right now, right now it isn't his job to defend your honor. Also he is trying to get away from the drama and clear his head. He can't do that if he has to get involved in this bs.

 

In many ways this is a test for you. If you blow up over this crap and whine to him about it, he will resent you. He has asked for some down time to sort things thru. He is not only evaluating his relationship with you, he is evaluating his relationship with his friends, and his future in general. If you can't give him this time without nagging him about crap that doesn't matter in any way, shape, or form; then you don't deserve a second chance.

 

You should stop reading the livejournals, stop contacting his friends. And you should definately not be contacting the friend you cheated with. You should never speak with that guy again. Not even online. I suggest you to get your own affairs in order and stop worrying about what some guys are writing in their journals. You have a lot of growing up to do. You need to stop being selfishly self absorbed.

 

 

I'm mad that he probably does have an answer which is he doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't have the f*cking balls to tell me

 

Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Most likely he hasn't decided. He asked for 3 weeks, its hasn't been a week and you're freaking out. Seriously get a grip and calm down. This is the crap that lead to the cheating in the first place. You have serious emotional issues. Once again I'm not saying this to hurt you. You need to face the reality of this situation.

 

please understand that I'm under stress and just letting off some steam)

 

 

Its pefectly fine to do that. Better to do it here than to take it out on your bf

 

 

that he doesn't love me enough to at least try to work things out

 

If he decides not to work it out that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or love you enough. Some things can't be fixed. Saying you're "Sorry" and that you won't do it again doesn't fix everything. I know for a fact that if my girlfriend whom I love more than anything in the world, who means everything to me, whom I couldn't imagine living without, I know if she did to me what you did to him I wouldn't forgive her. I don't give second chances to cheaters. And if i didn't give her a second chance it doesn't mean that I didn't love her. It means she did something unforgiveable in my eyes. Even if I forgave her I'd leave her.

 

Its unreasonable to expect him to just forgive and forget. You should also prepare yourself for the possibility he won't want to work it out. That doesn't make him a bad person nor does it mean he loved you less than you thought. It means you screwed up so big that it ruined the relationship for good.

 

By saying its about his love of you, you're once again making it about YOU. Thats a big reason for the problems in the relationship.

 

 

I'm mad that he couldn't tell me an answer BEFORE he left for Japan because he probably wants to go out and see if there is a better girl for him out there

 

Once again your low self esteem and insecurity is getting the best of you. I know I sound like a broken record but all of this is your self absorbed view that everything is about you. And when things don't happen quick enough and the way you want them to, you get angry. You're extremely needy (once again I sound like a broken record but the point needs to be repeated). WORK on YOU, that is the only way this or any future relationships will work.

 

I'm mad that he did have his good points and thats why I can't forget about him and move on

 

Concentrate on the good and stop worrying about crap you can't control. You can control how you react to all of this. You can control getting yourself help. You can control the person you're going to be in the future so crap like this doesn't happen again. Concentrate on all of that. Instead of worrying about how you can fix yourself you're worrying about what he isn't doing for you. Once again the seflish, self absorbed, needy, insecure, low self-esteem is ruining your relationships, work on that. That will give you plenty to do. You'll be too busy to read stupid journals.

 

I'm mad because I just don't know what is going to happen!!

 

No one does. Neither does he. Thats life.

 

All these thoughts come from my insecure, paranoid mind, just to warn you.

 

That much is obvious

 

Is it normal to feel angry? I mean, I know it is when someone dumps you, and even though my ex did intiate the breakup, I'M the one who betrayed him. Why the hell am I feeling angry? Before I started to feel this way the only emotions I felt were guilt and sadness. I still feel this way but now angry has been added in and recently its been pretty bad...what is wrong with me....

 

Yes its normal to a degree. A lot of yours stems from as you say your insecure paranoid mind.

 

 

So in closing I will say, stop reading the online journals, stop talking to his friends online or off line, have absolutely no contact with the friend you cheated with, be patient with your bf, don't nag him to death with this crap, let him have his space, see a therapist, work on your emotional issues, get a life outside of you bf's (meaning your own friends, people that you didn't meet thru him), don't worry about things you can't control and hope for the best.

 

Do all of that and you will be a much better person whether the relationship works out or not

 

EDIT: One final thought, if you two decide to stay together I strong urge you guys to have couples counselling. It will help you both understand each other better. It will help you learn to deal with a lot of your issues and not have them ruin the relationship. It will make you both better partners for each other.

[Donburi]

Thanks so much again, Sal! You really have been a great help to me ever since

I've been posting on this site. Why search for a therapist when I have you?

lol Nah, I know I need to go find one, I just have no idea where to start looking or how to even go about it. I've had these insecurity problems ever since I can remember, so I doubt I can fix all the flaws I have on my own. I need help. You're doing a great job for the time being, though! If they had a contest for the best, um, advice giver lol, I'd vote for you!

 

I don't feel as angry as I did that day, hopefully it was just a quick phase. Yes, I am only human, I cannot control the way I feel, but the only person who has the right to be angry is my ex.

 

I was wondering if you could give me some input on a little thing that happened recently. Last night my ex got a hold of me on AIM and we chit-chatted for a while. I wasn't as angry as I was feeling earlier that day but for some odd reason I didn't have any desire to talk to him. Maybe because I'm scared of an answer, maybe I was still feeling mad, I dunno. But it hurt too much to talk to him. I told him I had to go because I had things to do (I made that up) and I said I'll be online the same time tomorrow night (tonight) and I'll talk to him then. He agreed.

 

Well, I got called into work the last min around 6pm today and was rushing around my room to get dressed. I was signed on AIM. When I was getting ready to leave my room I went to shut the comp off and right after I did I saw my ex was trying to talk to me, saying "goodmorning!" (it was morning over there.) It was too late to respond, by the time I noticed it the comp shut down.

 

This behavior was very unusual for me, I think. I hardly ever ignore people online and I'm usually never the one to sign off first. I'm not too worried about the first convo because I explained my leaving and I've heard its a good thing to not always be accessible in this situation anyways, but I'm worried about what he might think of the second one. I ignored him and then signed off w/o a word. Is that going to turn him off? Do you think that he thinks that I'm upset or something? Should I write him an email explaining? Or is continuing to be unavailable a good thing?

 

...

 

I'm reading too much into this...aren't I?

 

Yeah...I'm gonna go look for help now... *sigh*

[suegail]

You're beating yourself up over this over and over again. I think you can't forgive yourself and now you can't forgive him for having this control seat in the relationship, which he has as a direct result of your actions, which brings us back around to why you're angry at yourself.

 

I think it's a very good sign that he's staying in touch, and as I said before, let him be the one to bring up conversation having to do with the relationship. Be light when you talk to him, discuss other things, try and be cheerful, but don't press him - don't push him. He needs time. He obviously wants time. Like it or not, I doubt he's going to give you an answer as to how he feels about the future anytime soon and I think you're going to have to find a way to relax about it. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.

 

Please do stop blaming yourself so much. You're human and you made a mistake. It's all too easy to make mistakes. I should know. *S*

 

Another thing, about the friends and the live journal: Maybe at one time in anger he did say those things - - people say many things when they're hurt and angry, things they don't mean, and maybe that's what it is, he doesn't want to tell you that he did blow up over it and rant and rave to his friends. That could be why he's telling you he doesn't want to 'get involved.' He doesn't want to have to tell you he did say unkind things and he knows if he contradicts them, they'll know he's lying. My final opinion on this subject: Drop it, which is what he wants. I think it's a good idea. And don't read the journal if you can help it and don't dwell on it.

 

Wishing you the very best,

suegail

[Donburi]

Originally posted by suegail

You're beating yourself up over this over and over again. I think you can't forgive yourself and now you can't forgive him for having this control seat in the relationship, which he has as a direct result of your actions, which brings us back around to why you're angry at yourself.

 

I think it's a very good sign that he's staying in touch, and as I said before, let him be the one to bring up conversation having to do with the relationship. Be light when you talk to him, discuss other things, try and be cheerful, but don't press him - don't push him. He needs time. He obviously wants time. Like it or not, I doubt he's going to give you an answer as to how he feels about the future anytime soon and I think you're going to have to find a way to relax about it. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.

 

Please do stop blaming yourself so much. You're human and you made a mistake. It's all too easy to make mistakes. I should know. *S*

 

Another thing, about the friends and the live journal: Maybe at one time in anger he did say those things - - people say many things when they're hurt and angry, things they don't mean, and maybe that's what it is, he doesn't want to tell you that he did blow up over it and rant and rave to his friends. That could be why he's telling you he doesn't want to 'get involved.' He doesn't want to have to tell you he did say unkind things and he knows if he contradicts them, they'll know he's lying. My final opinion on this subject: Drop it, which is what he wants. I think it's a good idea. And don't read the journal if you can help it and don't dwell on it.

 

Wishing you the very best,

suegail

 

Thank you, suegail. Reading this made me feel better. I know I'm only human and I'm sure everyone has or is going to make a terrible mistake at least once in their life. It just kills me to know that I hurt someone I love so badly, something that could've been easily avoided...But, what done is done, and I can't go back in time. All I can do now is fix myself to be a better person and wait.

 

I actually thought about that idea about the livejournal thing. I wouldn't be surprised if he did say those things about me. I know he didn't mean it (well...maybe 60% of me knows that, hurray for doubtful insecure minds )

that is just the kind of guy he is. When he is hurt, he will express it. Most of these "friends" aren't very good people though, so I'm not even going to consider that they wrote those entries for me to know with good intentions.

 

If you don't mind, I'd like to bring up one more thing. ( I feel so bad for you guys, here you are giving me wonderful advice and here I go whining on about more stuff! sowwie! like I've said before though, even if no one responds, it still makes me feel better writing it.)

 

I don't talk to him anymore, but I have a few times after this incident happened. I'm talking about the friend that was involved in this. My ex knows I have talked to him once or twice. I mentioned in another post, he used to call me ALOT to tell me some "news" he found out and after like, the 20th call or something I would answer and hear him out for a second or two. Like I said, I don't talk to him anymore so you don't have to worry about telling me that.

 

Well, he has told me something that has always stuck in my head. There was this one time where I answered his call and he had told me some things about the group, blah blah blah, drama stuff. After that he asked how I was doing and I guess he caught me at a really bad time, because I started bawling the second after he asked. I really don't have any friends so I wasn't able to talk to anyone about all this. No excuse, I know, but I really needed to talk to somebody, I would have talked to Satan himself if he offered me an ear to ramble on to. Pathetic, huh.

 

Anyways, I went on crying about how much this all sucked, how much I was a ****ty person, how I wanted my ex back, blah blah. He mostly listened but he said that he was very sorry for what he did to me and that he was sorry that he potentially ruined my life. It really hurt to hear, because before all this I really did consider him to be one of my best friends, and even though I want nothing to do with him now, I couldn't help but feel those old feelings for him (friendship, mind you, nothing more than that.) He then did something that surprised me, he reassured me that he knew my ex, and he knew that he and I would get back together. He then went on to tell me about a mutual friend of his and my ex. We'll call him D. D claims he is protecting my ex, but is still friends and in my opinion closer with the OM. D is very much against me and my ex getting back together. In fact, he is for me and the OM to get together, he had once told me online, "you went that far with him, you might as well go all the way, otherwise the thing you did was in vain, you don't love your ex, blah blah." He had a valid point, I guess, but it was really none of his business (and how is he protecting my ex if he is for me and the other guy to get together???). Anyways, from what the OM (it sounds wierd calling him that, we'll call him M) he says that D says that my ex says that he hates me, etc...pretty much the same stuff as what the friends were saying on their stupid livejournals. I know my ex talks to D because he's told me so. Well, apparently (I've been wary of believing what people have to say now) D talked to M the other day and claimed to be pissed off at my ex. M asked why and D said "He is gonna do it. I know it. He is going to take that girl back, that idiot." M asked for proof but D said that my ex never actually said those words, but was just talking and acting differently, he wasn't bad mouthing me anymore and was saying things to hint at something, apparently.

 

Ok. New paragraph.

 

So, APPARENTLY, M and D believe that my ex is going to take me back. I don't know if they're lying, and if they were, what would their motive be? Perhaps maybe M is trying to start that sweet talkin' again and hoping I'll let him back in, but he knows that will never happen. I'm really confused. I'm hoping maybe he does feel guilty for what he did (which he claims he does) and is telling me something that I should know. I dunno! I don't talk to him anymore so I guess I'll never find out why. I'm really confused.

[Cecelius]

Just a word to the wise: if he's taking this long to decide the issue, AND he continues to bring it up or bust you on it, if he does take you back (which I, personally, would counsel him against) you need to be prepared that he WILL have a very hard time letting this go.

 

And at some point, you cannot have him harping on this anymore -- the relationship just won't work.

[suegail]

It's just so hard to say. If your friend is a true friend or at least is trying to be, I don't see why he'd lie to you about that. I don't know that he'd lie just to make you feel better either. It could be the truth and I think I'd say more than likely is true that they had that conversation. It's good, seems to be in your favor.

 

Don't get your hopes too high though. Just keep positive that things could turn around, but don't let your thoughts run wild or you could set yourself up for a bigger letdown than you're going through now.

 

Keep us posted. I'm sure you will. *S*

[Sal Paradise]

You need to cut both of them out of your life (the friend you fooled around with and the other dude). Stop listening to them. Don't answer their calls, don't answer the door if they stop by, don't call, don't IM, don't chat in any way. You're playing with fire. If you truly don't want this guy and if you truly want your ex back you will cut the OM out. I know if I was in your exes position I would expect you to have absolutely No Contact with the OM. I wouldn't trust either of the friends or their motives. You need to put them behind you. They could be lying about your ex wanting you back. And if it doesn't happen you will be even more devastated. And even if they're right so what. It doesn't do you much good. Issue NO CONTACT. Its disrepectful to the man you say you want to talk with the OM.

 

Good luck. Keep us updated.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

You need to cut both of them out of your life (the friend you fooled around with and the other dude). Stop listening to them. Don't answer their calls, don't answer the door if they stop by, don't call, don't IM, don't chat in any way. You're playing with fire. If you truly don't want this guy and if you truly want your ex back you will cut the OM out. I know if I was in your exes position I would expect you to have absolutely No Contact with the OM. I wouldn't trust either of the friends or their motives. You need to put them behind you. They could be lying about your ex wanting you back. And if it doesn't happen you will be even more devastated. And even if they're right so what. It doesn't do you much good. Issue NO CONTACT. Its disrepectful to the man you say you want to talk with the OM.

 

Good luck. Keep us updated.

 

Thanks, Sal. I don't talk to him or any of his friends anymore. The thing about those two saying that my ex wanted me back was a while ago, haven't been in contact since then.

 

Well, I guess there have been two very, VERY, minor incidents that have happened recently. My ex updated a entry on livejournal (I avoid reading his friends journals) and in it he basically made a list of what has happened lately, it kinda went like this :

 

-I experienced a earthquake while watching a show

- I went shopping at so 'n so place and bought a bunch of stuff

- I watched skateboarders with my friend so 'n so

- it turns out our german roommate is hot!

 

The last part got to me. He happened to start talking to me on AIM when I read his journal. I questioned the last sentence and he reassured me that he didn't mean anything by it. He said his friend mentioned they had a hot roommate and he just wrote it down. He said he is allowed to state opinions about other's looks and said if he wrote it like "Good thing there are no dumb girls with different priorities to bog me down that would stop me from staring at my roomate" then it would be ass of him and I would have a right to be upset. He said it was nothing like that. (what do you think he meant by saying girls with different priorites, anyways? ) In his words, she was as fleeting as a hamburger from McDonalds and asked if I forgot that he wasn't interested in women or dating right now. He also said he would edit it if I wanted him to. I told him not to worry about it.

I said that I'm gonna have to prepare myself for his friends to start attacking me online about the german chick, and he said if any of them give me crap, to tell them to talk to HIM about it. He mentioned that he went back and read the journal that his friend made a while ago (the one that was a letter written to me? I don't know if you remember) and he said he hated it. He didn't comment or anything though. I don't understand, if he is willing to tell people to stop bothering me why couldn't he have said anything about the letter journal to people or even pubically announce to everyone to leave me alone? I hope he is not being two-faced.

 

I didn't freak out but I regret bringing it up, I should trust that he isn't going to do anything like that and even if he did, its none of my business. I apologized at the end of our convo but I dunno how seriously he is going to take it. Hope it didn't affect any decisions he is going to make. He was being sweet at the end though, he told me to keep my chin up, I have no choice (what does that mean??) and he ended the convo saying he was going out to get some burgers and said he'd save me some. I definitely felt better afterwards.

 

Well, apparently yesterday he met up with one of my japanese friends who used to live here, a co-worker of mine. She is the fianncee of my boss. She knows my ex because she used to live here and whenever she did come to visit here my ex and I would take her out for dinner. Very nice woman, a little bit older than us and is pretty attractive. I knew he would try to contact her when he was out there because the last time she visited he told her he was going to be out in Japan this summer and she said to call her so they can hang out and show him around. No big deal.

 

Well, today she wrote me an email saying that her and my ex met up and hung out for a bit in a certain town. She said he was doing fine, and that his japanese was getting better. Chit chat. Then she goes into talking about how my ex told her our relationship wasn't doing so good, and that she was very surprised to hear about it. She said she doesn't know what happened, but hopes we make up soon.

 

Now, I'm not worried that anything is going to happen between them because I am going to take his word about him not ready to date right now, and she is my friend, so I trust her, and even if he did try something, he knows that she is more my friend then his, and that she would tell me. I just don't understand why he would tell her in the first place. The way I see it, if he did plan on getting back together with me, he wouldn't tell her that because it was just a temporary thing. If he knew it was completely over for us, then it would make sense to tell her. But, that is a pessimistic mind for ya. From what she wrote it doesn't sound like he made it seem like it was over for good, because she wrote "J said your relationship isn't too good RIGHT NOW and I hope you two can make up soon." Knowing her, if she felt it was over, she probably would have wrote something like "I hope you're doing ok, don't worry, you won't have a problem getting a new bf, etc.." Then again, her english isn't perfect so maybe she didn't know how to word it...

 

I asked a friend about it tonight at work and she suggested maybe him seeing her reminded him of me because she is my friend, and maybe just wanted to let it out or get some advice. That was nice to hear, but I don't really see how he could get advice from her, since he didn't tell her all the details. Well, I don't think he did, since she wrote she didn't know what happened exactly between us. I really have no clue. I guess I am alittle worried, I know he is attracted to her in some way, she is beautiful and fun to be around, and he even said he could date a girl like that (this was a long time ago, and I asked him if she was dateable.) Yes, I'm going to be honest. I'm a tiny bit worried. Her fiancee doesn't treat her well at all, they have been off and on many times. She hasn't seen him for a long time now, more then a few months, what if she gets tempted?

 

I hate how I think! I hate how negative I am....I hate that I deserve to be going crazy because of what I did....

 

What do you think of this? Should I write her back? Am I freaking out over nothing AGAIN???

 

Oh yeah, ever since the AIM convo with my ex about the german roommate happened (about three or four days ago??) he hasn't been online since. Don't know if I should take that as a hint or something. Most of the time he is online or at least has his away message up...*sigh*

 

I did some research on the therapists around here but they seem a bit pricy. Being a independent working student, I really don't think I could afford it.

 

LS is seriously amazing, though! It boggles my mind reading other people's stories and seeing how similiar some of the situations are to mine. It makes me smile and gives me hope when I read stories that have a happy ending.

 

Thanks again for commenting! It really does mean alot to me.

[Sal Paradise]

You worry too much (stating the obvious ).....

 

One problem you have is you see every attractive female as a potential threat to your relationship if you're not there to play watch dog. This is going to do nothing but drive you crazy. If he decides to hook up with someone while he is there you have no real control over it. I know that doesn't make it easier but its simply the truth. You have no faith in yourself or even him for that matter. Thats a big part of the problem. Relax, breathe, not every woman wants your exe, your exe isn't going to sleep with every beautiful woman he comes into contact with.

 

I think you need to trust that he isn't looking to hook up with anyone until he either tells you otherwise, or his actions actually show otherwise. He hasn't really given you a reason not to trust him. He's been fairly honest and straight forward about all of this.

 

You need to put those paranoid thoughts aside, you read way too much into things. Like trying to decipher whether his discussing the relationship with your friend is a good or bad thing. And what his reasons were for saying RIGHT NOW. Trying to figure out his motives by second hand, paraphrased conversations is a lot like trying to interpret the bible in a literal manner. You will see what you want to see.

 

It all reminds me of that scene in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda tells Luke to go into the cave, and Luke asks whats in there, and Yoda tells him "Only What You Take With You."

 

You're bringing your insecurities and fears and projecting them into every scenerio. Instead of letting things be what they are, you're making them what you fear they may become. Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

My advice is what I've been telling ya since the beginning, relax, calm down, and let the chips fall where they may. You'll survive no matter what he decides. You'll either be with him, or eventually move on and find someone else to be paranoid over .

 

Good luck.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

You worry too much (stating the obvious ).....

 

One problem you have is you see every attractive female as a potential threat to your relationship if you're not there to play watch dog. This is going to do nothing but drive you crazy. If he decides to hook up with someone while he is there you have no real control over it. I know that doesn't make it easier but its simply the truth. You have no faith in yourself or even him for that matter. Thats a big part of the problem. Relax, breathe, not every woman wants your exe, your exe isn't going to sleep with every beautiful woman he comes into contact with.

 

I think you need to trust that he isn't looking to hook up with anyone until he either tells you otherwise, or his actions actually show otherwise. He hasn't really given you a reason not to trust him. He's been fairly honest and straight forward about all of this.

 

You need to put those paranoid thoughts aside, you read way too much into things. Like trying to decipher whether his discussing the relationship with your friend is a good or bad thing. And what his reasons were for saying RIGHT NOW. Trying to figure out his motives by second hand, paraphrased conversations is a lot like trying to interpret the bible in a literal manner. You will see what you want to see.

 

It all reminds me of that scene in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda tells Luke to go into the cave, and Luke asks whats in there, and Yoda tells him "Only What You Take With You."

 

You're bringing your insecurities and fears and projecting them into every scenerio. Instead of letting things be what they are, you're making them what you fear they may become. Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

My advice is what I've been telling ya since the beginning, relax, calm down, and let the chips fall where they may. You'll survive no matter what he decides. You'll either be with him, or eventually move on and find someone else to be paranoid over .

 

Good luck.

 

 

Yeah. Whatever happens, happens. I keep telling myself that the only way I'll ever know if he wants to be with me is if he intiates it. Convincing someone to be with me isn't love. Worrying about it won't do anything, either.

 

I am actually talking to him online right now (he always ALWAYS initiates the AIM convos, good sign?), he told me about hanging out with my friend and said they had fun. He said he told her about the relationship. So, good sign, right? He was being completely honest with me.

 

It still hurts so much to talk to him. I'm trying my best not to bring up any serious issues, even though I'm dying to! We're talking normally, almost like the way we used to. We're talking about stuff we did last year in Japan together and stuff he is experiencing over there right now, and he is telling me about things that I would like, telling me stuff about my fave actor out there, etc... It feels like old times almost, but it hurts so much.

 

He'll be back in about a week and a half. I wonder how things will go...

 

Actually, I was wondering, it seems like the most common advice to getting your ex back is to be distant and unavailable. I have been advised to act that way right now. Do the same rules apply when cheating is involved? He wanted to be with me and have a future with me before I did what I did so I feel that its not like I have to "win" him back, but show him I care. I just never understood it. If I were cheated on and my ex acted cold and distant, that would be a turn off. I always figured that the person who was cheated on would feel undesirable and so the cheater should act the opposite way, being available and showing constantly they care to reassure them (which I actually did the first few weeks of our break/break up, guess it didn't work. But, at least he knows how I feel). But, thats just me. Right now I'm trying out the LC "not super interested, no pressuring" approach. I guess we'll see how it works. Wish me luck!

[froggytroat]

Why do you feel this way?

 

Well, let me answer. You're getting what you deserve for being a selfish bitch, but you don't think you deserve it.

[Sal Paradise]

I think when you're the one who cheated, if you want the person back you have to respect their wishes on how to handle contact. You told him you want to work it out, he says he wants some space while away in Japan. You're waiting for him to contact you. So in that regard you're handling it perfect. Be available but don't crowd him. Let him lead right now.

 

I think the fact that he keeps contacting you and is talking about the future is a good sign but don't get too excited. Be cautiously optimistic yet still prepared for the worst. Which isn't an easy thing to do. Even if he takes you back you have a long way to go. This is just the beginning. He's going to be bitter for a while about what happened. He will have periods of anger. You have to take it (within reason lol). If he asks you about your feelings toward the other guy you have to be completely honest. That means if you even had a slight crush on the guy or ever wondered what it might be like to be with him, you have tell your exe if he ask. Honesty is the only policy from now on. Trust has been broken, it can't be fixed with more lies.

 

The goal is to fix you so this doesn't happen again. Whether with him or someone else. See the mistakes you've made and LEARN from them. If he takes you back thats great, but the relationship can't go back to the way it was. It has to be a better relationship, more solid, more confident. You can't go running to someone else everytime a problem comes up, or freaking out over every attractive person who comes on to him. Jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, the dark side of love are they........(talking like Yoda rules)

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I think when you're the one who cheated, if you want the person back you have to respect their wishes on how to handle contact. You told him you want to work it out, he says he wants some space while away in Japan. You're waiting for him to contact you. So in that regard you're handling it perfect. Be available but don't crowd him. Let him lead right now.

 

I think the fact that he keeps contacting you and is talking about the future is a good sign but don't get too excited. Be cautiously optimistic yet still prepared for the worst. Which isn't an easy thing to do. Even if he takes you back you have a long way to go. This is just the beginning. He's going to be bitter for a while about what happened. He will have periods of anger. You have to take it (within reason lol). If he asks you about your feelings toward the other guy you have to be completely honest. That means if you even had a slight crush on the guy or ever wondered what it might be like to be with him, you have tell your exe if he ask. Honesty is the only policy from now on. Trust has been broken, it can't be fixed with more lies.

 

The goal is to fix you so this doesn't happen again. Whether with him or someone else. See the mistakes you've made and LEARN from them. If he takes you back thats great, but the relationship can't go back to the way it was. It has to be a better relationship, more solid, more confident. You can't go running to someone else everytime a problem comes up, or freaking out over every attractive person who comes on to him. Jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, the dark side of love are they........(talking like Yoda rules)

 

 

You do a good Yoda lol. <--- cutest icon ever!

 

As always, I can't thank you enough for always leaving me advice.

I think its good he contacts me, for the most part we chat online almost once a day. He doesn't talk about the future though, or the relationship for that matter. Just chit chat. Better than nothin' though. Last night before he signed off he told me he got me something and he says I'll like it alot. I'm pretty excited, I'm a sucker for surprises. If I don't get my ex back, heck, at least I'll get a present out of it! lol jk.

 

I've been feelin' pretty good lately, I find myself being more focused on school and I've been going out on walks. I feel healthier, physically and mentally.

 

We chatted a few minutes ago, he didn't write anything after we discussed what we were each were going to do today, so I decided to sign off, telling him I had some things to do. I think I seemed pleasant enough, I told him to have a good day and to say hello to our japanese teacher who is also out there, he is meeting her today. When there is awkward silence in our conversations I always get tempted to bring up certain subjects, but since I know that is a no no right now, I always just sign off when those temptations come up. I hope that doesn't offend my ex or make him think I don't want to talk to him...its just that I'd rather not talk to him then talk to him with the possibility of screwing things up even more, ya know?

 

Do you ever have stories of your own, Sal? From what I've read and seen it seems like you only give advice here. Either you don't have any relationship probs right now or you're a very self-less person. I need to go out and try to give advice to others, even if its not good. Its the thought that counts, right?

 

Oh, and froggytroat, I didn't respond to what you said not because I'm ignoring you, its just that I can't really say anything to defend myself. I know it seems like I don't feel bad...you really have no idea though how terrible I've felt these past couple months. That post about me being mad was just a bad day. I don't feel mad anymore because I don't have the right to. I did a very bad thing, but I know that that doesn't make me a bad person overall. Well, as long as I learn from my mistakes, anyway.

[Sal Paradise]

I don't have any relationship problems as of right now, thankfully . We have the occasional arguements etc...but thats natural.

 

I've had bad relationships in the past though. I've never cheated on someone, I've been tested a few times and have past that test each time with flying colors. I take great pride in that. I have been cheated on before though, so I know that pain. Thankfully the person I'm with right now has never caused me that kind of pain.

 

I can be selfish, we're all selfish to a degree. The secret is not allowing it to rule your life, and when you're being selfish in a bad way to recognize it and fix it. Being totally self less wouldn't be healthy either. It would allow people to walk all over you.

 

Happiness is about balance. Money doesn't motivate me, being happy does. I strive to be happy without intentionally hurting others in the process. Its not easy but thats what I work toward.

[shygurl]

I hope for his sake he finds himself a nice girl who will be faithful to him - nobody in the world deserves to be cheated on, that's just so low. If you want to be angry, be angry at yourself for betraying someone you claimed to love. If only people had more respect for their partners, treated them like you'd treat a true "best friend." There is just no excuse for cheating. I hope this turmoil you're in will be an important life lesson for you that a relationship and someone's love is precious and you have to cherish it. He deserves to meet someone he can trust implicitly, we all do.

[Cecelius]

I think that the best lesson to learn from this whole thing is that when we cheat, no matter how much we regret it, sometimes it really takes suffering the consequenses of it to drive it home. In my experience, the only way to trust someone who has cheated in the past is if they really got hosed at the back end.

 

I would take these lessons pretty carefully, not beat yourself up too much over it in the future, recognize that to most men, this is the most heinous red flag that a girl can have, but you also have taken your licks for it.

 

It is probably time for you to move on, heal yourself and get on with your life.

[Donburi]

Thanks for the comments, shygurl and Cecelius.

 

You're right, my ex does deserve a faithful gf. Right now, I'm working on myself to be that for him. I've been his best friend for three years. Recently, I did a very VERY terrible thing. I've expressed how sorry I am, he knows I'm a good person despite of what I did and I hope we are strong enough to work this out. I guess only time will tell.

 

 

There is no excuse for cheating, you're absolutely correct. I wasn't drugged or anything, I knew better. I knew the consequences. I will accept any pain that comes my way because I earned it. Will I accept the pain of losing my ex? I'm not quite sure on that one. I will accept that things will never be the same again, I will accept that I have to work very hard to earn his trust again, I will accept that all his friends which some were my friends too now all hate me, I will accept that these "friends" are telling me horrible lies. But right now, I cannot accept losing him and moving on. I will prepare myself for it, sure, but I will not move on yet.

 

I'm working on my problems right now to be a better person, not only for my ex but for myself. I'm determined to get rid of my paranoia and insecurities. I WILL show him I've changed for the better, and that I've become a healthier, happier person.

 

I will not move on though, not yet anyways. However small it may seem, he has given me hope for the future. I will NOT walk away from this w/o knowing I did everything I could. No regrets.

 

He has not given me an answer yet. He says maybe we can date again. He has made it clear that the second he knows his answer he will tell me, because he understands how cruel it would be to string someone along. He is not the revengeful type, he may be the type to punish or try to teach a lesson, but he is not cruel or revengeful. He is the one who makes contact on AIM, which recently has almost been everynight.

 

He will be back in about a week and a half. I will wait for him. I will let him bring up the issue. Some days are definitely harder then others, but I will wait for him, no matter how long it takes. I owe him this much, at least.

 

Thank you for your comments.

[suegail]

It's always been said that it takes a big person to admit their mistakes, and I believe that to be true. You're not trying to shift blame to anyone else as far as I can see. You admit that you feel you were wrong and that you should have stopped it and didn't. You're facing up to your mistake. That's hard to do, but it's the adult thing, it's the right thing to do.

 

I really hope things work out for you and that you two can have a new start.

 

take care..

[Donburi]

Thanks, suegail. I'd like to start everything, if given the chance that is, from scratch. And what better way to do that then being honest right from the beginning?

 

I wonder if you guys could give me some input on yet one more thing.

Its really hard for me to judge things with how negatively I view things.

 

Well, in the earlier comments, I believe I mentioned that my ex brought up a "hot roommate" he had out in Japan. We discussed it, he said he didn't mean for it to mean anything, said she meant nothing and only crossed his mind for a moment (as "fleeting as a hamburger from McD", lol), and said he would edit the entry if I wanted him to.

 

From what I could tell he seemed to have felt pretty bad about it, not that he had a reason to, but, whatever.

 

He's made one or two entries since then. One was how he was going to meet up with our japanese teacher out there (an older but decently attractive woman) and brought up his friend telling him that he should, jokingly of course, "give" her another daughter. Then in another entry he mentioned a decently hot woman reading a book on a certain video game (my ex is a huge gamer so that must of been a turn on).

 

"On the way home in the train in one of the cars there was a decently hot woman reading so'n'so game book. Dammit."

 

I don't understand the dammit part. He is frustrated or somethin'??

 

Hurtful to read, but confusing too. I play games too so I wonder if seeing her made him think of me...probably not...

 

I don't think he is hinting anything at me but it does hurt that we had a talk about the german roommate and he seemed sorry that it hurt me, but then wrote about other women. I can't control what he does or say, I guess I just want to know if I need to read into this or not. (can you tell that I already am???)

 

I can't talk to him about this either because he would say "didn't I tell you already I'm not interested in women or dating??" which he did. I love how thick my skull is.

Gotta tell me things at LEAST 10 times before it soaks it. hurray.

 

I wonder if maybe he is testing to see how I would reacte. I guess we'll see...

 

I really do have better things to worry about...and yet...here I am.

 

 

Oh, one more thing. He is coming back next Sunday. I had a random thought the other day. I guess we'll be seeing eachother since he has bought something for me. If he makes sure he has me visit or around when his friends AREN'T there, should I look into that? All his friends either hate me or don't want my ex to take me back. If he was serious about being with me again he wouldn't care about what his friends thought...right? It was just a random thought. Before he left to Japan I went over one day but he made sure there wasn't anyone else around. His excuse was he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable or be in danger (which one of his friends apparently said if he saw me it would be the first time he would hit a woman. But this "friend" also said he would do the same to the other guy who was involved in this whole situation and those two still talk )

Complicated group of people, alot of 'em two faced. Anyways, I was just curious if I should take my ex making sure his friends didn't know I was still around as a sign...he has every right to be ashamed of me but...well, I'll stop rambling.

 

I feel riduculous. There are TONS of people out there with WAY bigger probs then this. Innocent people too, I brought this on myself. I have to keep that in mind.

[suegail]

If he is hoping for a reaction from you, you certainly haven't let him down.

 

"What does it mean? Why did you say that? Does that mean you're interested in her?"

 

Why not just ignore some of the things he says? You're constantly analyzing and worrying endlessly and you apologize over and over, every minute of the day you're blaming yourself, you're obsessing over this situation. There is no way to change what happened, but it seems to me you've done enough suffering over it. Either he'll forgive you and be able to have a future with you or he won't, but in my opinion, your near hysterical clutching isn't going to help. Quit worrying so much and try and give him time to decide what his feelings about it will be.

 

Hopefully it will turn out good...

[Donburi]

I'm trying not to worry, I really am, but I just can't help it.

 

I haven't talked to him in a few days. He has written several more entries

with women involved in all of them. A cool female roommate he chatted with ALL night long and watched porn with and laughed with, a japanese woman who is helping him with a visa has a cute daughter and says maybe the mother will give him her daughter's hand in marriage, etc...I have no right to be upset because he is allowed to do whatever he wants, but it still hurts.

 

If he is interested in pursuing these girls well then go right ahead, I want him to be happy, I just wish he could tell me it was over instead of leaving subtle little hints like this...if that is what he is doing anyways. I haven't talked to him about these entries at all, and I don't plan to.

 

I've been finding myself not wanting to talk to him online. When he comes back, I'm not sure if I even want to see him. I'm so scared of what he is going to say...

 

[suegail]

okay, now you're doing what I feel is sensible - - you're not responding to his posts, at least you're not firing off email to him demanding answers. It's possible he doesn't mean half or any of what he's saying. All you can do though is wait it out and see, because there is a chance that even if you do ask him, he's not going to be quite honest with you. Knowing that you'll get upset, he'll try and smooth it over. He'll tell you what he's told you before: It means nothing. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Time will tell. There is too great a distance between you right now. Wait until you can see him and talk to him, and you may then get a better idea of how he feels.