Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

[13Hearts]

We OW and OM, I notice, tend to spend a lot of time and energy looking backwards, explaining what has happened and how we got here, lamenting our losses, focusing on our pain and heartbreak. Trying to figure out how to get through this ordeal, or how to get the upper hand in this precarious situation we've found ourselves in.

 

I like to keep myself focused on today and tomorrow. But I wasn't always this way, quite the opposite to tell the truth. It took a lot of practice, and many years, to learn this habit. It seems I started life always looking backward. Very sentimental and nostalgic. I learned it was not to my benefit to be this way. So I changed myself.

 

One of the things that helped me change was this poem. It's a relatively famous poem. I thought I would share it here in case it is able to help someone. It says a lot, I think. If you feel like it, it might be nice if we all think about the question at the end and come back here and share our answers. I'm going to sleep on it, myself, and come back tomorrow and post my answer. I hope you do, too

 

The Summer Day

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

[kieraglass]

Thank you. I love her.

 

Your post is so important. Thank you so much for saying what needs to be said.

 

We get so caught up in the toxicity of these things that we forget- this is not a dress rehearsal, and there are no take backsies.

 

Me, I'm going to try very very hard to remember my own divinity. I feel like a wretch right now. Alarming self hatred. I'm going to try to remember who I used to be and channel that woman for my son. He loved her very much. I want him to have her again.

 

Thanks. <3

Edited March 21, 2016 by kieraglass

[Babsinhealing]

We OW and OM, I notice, tend to spend a lot of time and energy looking backwards, explaining what has happened and how we got here, lamenting our losses, focusing on our pain and heartbreak. Trying to figure out how to get through this ordeal, or how to get the upper hand in this precarious situation we've found ourselves in.

 

I like to keep myself focused on today and tomorrow. But I wasn't always this way, quite the opposite to tell the truth. It took a lot of practice, and many years, to learn this habit. It seems I started life always looking backward. Very sentimental and nostalgic. I learned it was not to my benefit to be this way. So I changed myself.

 

One of the things that helped me change was this poem. It's a relatively famous poem. I thought I would share it here in case it is able to help someone. It says a lot, I think. If you feel like it, it might be nice if we all think about the question at the end and come back here and share our answers. I'm going to sleep on it, myself, and come back tomorrow and post my answer. I hope you do, too

 

The Summer Day

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

13Hearts - thank you for sharing. I've been asking myself that very question for far too long. I have what seems like a picture perfect life looking in from the outside, which I work very hard to maintain, but from the inside where no one sees (accept maybe my therapist), I'm a complete mess. I just can't seem to hold on to happiness and I've experience so much loss in my life:

 

Sexually abused as a young child

Father died tragically when I was 17

Horrible Ectopic pregnancy which resulted in never being able to have children

1st husband abandoned me after 6 years- no warning- "didn't want to be married anymore"

Lost two fur babies within past 3 years (closest I ever had to being a "mom")

2nd husband is kind and nice but asexual and doesn't think sex is important in a marriage

19 month blissful, happy A ended after being caught - currently NC

 

So I've started to ask myself "what's my purpose?" And "when is it my turn?". My most recent loss, which was my long term A, was a non-traditional/alternative way to fill a massive void of intimacy in my life and marriage (which it did) but now it's ended, I'm not only reeling from intense grief but with even more questions about "what my plan is for my wild and precious life". This is something I'm working on in IC and I'm trying to manage this extreme low time of my life without medication (although I'm beginning to wondering if I can do it anymore).

 

Amazingly enough I'm extremely successful (advanced degrees) with a dream job, attractive, fit and I look at least 15 years younger than my age - so this throws people off and gives a fake facade. They see my beautiful house and clothes, they see me traveling the world, they see my kind husband and how sweet he is to me. But to me it's all fake and materialistic. I need to find my purpose- my inner peace- happiness and I'm thinking I need to make some radical changes to find it... and that scares the bejesus out of me. This Ending of my A was my last straw- put a fork in me- im done. Thanks for letting me vent ;(

[Josmatjes]

I listen to Joel osteen a lot, especially in my car. One of the many things he says is that if you are looking backwards you can't see forwards. It's like a rear view mirror... What's in the past is in the past and we have to move forward. He also says and I truly do believe this, God has a plan for all of us, he has lined up the right people , the right opportunities, , the right roads for us to follow. But we have to look forward to see them. Nothing we do is a mistake , it's all a learning expierience that helps us to grow... Anyway those are my thoughts...

[13Hearts]

Thank you. I love her.

 

Your post is so important. Thank you so much for saying what needs to be said.

 

We get so caught up in the toxicity of these things that we forget- this is not a dress rehearsal, and there are no take backsies.

 

Me, I'm going to try very very hard to remember my own divinity. I feel like a wretch right now. Alarming self hatred. I'm going to try to remember who I used to be and channel that woman for my son. He loved her very much. I want him to have her again.

 

Thanks. <3

Please don't hate yourself, Kieraglass. We're all only human. Even when we know better, we mess up, we make mistakes. And most of us make the same mistakes several times before we learn what we need to learn. Forgive yourself.

 

And yes, please be the strong woman your son needs you to be. He is learning from you.

[13Hearts]

13Hearts - thank you for sharing. I've been asking myself that very question for far too long. I have what seems like a picture perfect life looking in from the outside, which I work very hard to maintain, but from the inside where no one sees (accept maybe my therapist), I'm a complete mess. I just can't seem to hold on to happiness and I've experience so much loss in my life:

 

Sexually abused as a young child

Father died tragically when I was 17

Horrible Ectopic pregnancy which resulted in never being able to have children

1st husband abandoned me after 6 years- no warning- "didn't want to be married anymore"

Lost two fur babies within past 3 years (closest I ever had to being a "mom")

2nd husband is kind and nice but asexual and doesn't think sex is important in a marriage

19 month blissful, happy A ended after being caught - currently NC

 

So I've started to ask myself "what's my purpose?" And "when is it my turn?". My most recent loss, which was my long term A, was a non-traditional/alternative way to fill a massive void of intimacy in my life and marriage (which it did) but now it's ended, I'm not only reeling from intense grief but with even more questions about "what my plan is for my wild and precious life". This is something I'm working on in IC and I'm trying to manage this extreme low time of my life without medication (although I'm beginning to wondering if I can do it anymore).

 

Amazingly enough I'm extremely successful (advanced degrees) with a dream job, attractive, fit and I look at least 15 years younger than my age - so this throws people off and gives a fake facade. They see my beautiful house and clothes, they see me traveling the world, they see my kind husband and how sweet he is to me. But to me it's all fake and materialistic. I need to find my purpose- my inner peace- happiness and I'm thinking I need to make some radical changes to find it... and that scares the bejesus out of me. This Ending of my A was my last straw- put a fork in me- im done. Thanks for letting me vent ;(

 

Oh, thank you for sharing all of that, Basinhealing. I am sorry for your losses and for the really crappy things that have happened in your life. I understand some of it, as I experienced some of those things myself. I also recently suffered a death in my immediate family, and it has been very difficult to cope with. I went back on anti-depressants as a result and noticed the extreme difference in how I feel and especially how much better I function on this medication. My thinking is so much clearer and I get so much more done every day. I've sworn to myself that I will never go off this medicine again!

 

Your post is very helpful to me. It is helping me to put my life back into perspective. I really had a lot together when xMM came into my life. Now, it seems I am somewhat lost. Not because of my emotions or anything like that but because the A was so disruptive. It really caused me to lose focus on what is really important to me, which is rather why I created this thread with the poem.

 

I am hoping people coming here and posting about what they truly want for THEIR lives will help me to gather my thoughts and start thinking about what I want too. I want to set goals for myself and where I want to be in the future. It will be like a lighthouse, showing me which way to go as I journey through life.

 

((hugs)) and thank you again, Babsinhealing ❤❤

[13Hearts]

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

For the first time in a long time, I don't know!

I used to love to travel.

I used to love being near the water.

I work so much and at times it seems work is all I have. But I've lost myself somehow. Probably from so much focus on xMM. He required so much attention and always during times of the day when I had no time to spare, but spared it anyway. And other things, like my work, suffered.

 

I would like to be more sociable, get together with people. It's difficult to make friends where I live, plus most people my age are married with children and they want to hang out with other marrieds with children. I would like to have my own group of friends again, my own clique.

 

This is not a great answer but at least it's a start?

[Ophelia25]

So, I don't want to waste my one life on this suckhole. Who awakens the only wildness I have ever felt in my life? I feel split wide open.

[SweetiePi]

That is a beautiful poem you shared. Love it.

 

 

I also love being near water. It is healing for some reason.

 

 

I know where you are at with making friends, but most people having children and wanting to have play dates and friends with other children. Much of my late 20s I could not have close friendships with people my age, so I ended up friends with ladies that were empty nesters. Seemed to be a better fit.

 

 

At this point I look at the things I am doing right to be on a path of healthy living... volunteer work, a good group of friends I meet with monthly, painting, spirituality and connecting to nature. The things I am working at to be healthier is better eating, exercise, journaling, a couple different therapies and trying to allow myself to be vulnerable with a couple friends to become closer. It is very hard to do. I am very friendly and love to be with people, but rare that I trust and allow people very close.

 

 

Seems a good idea for you to follow through with what you used to love doing; a vacation near water sounds healthy and lovely for you.

 

 

 

 

For the first time in a long time, I don't know!

I used to love to travel.

I used to love being near the water.

I work so much and at times it seems work is all I have. But I've lost myself somehow. Probably from so much focus on xMM. He required so much attention and always during times of the day when I had no time to spare, but spared it anyway. And other things, like my work, suffered.

 

I would like to be more sociable, get together with people. It's difficult to make friends where I live, plus most people my age are married with children and they want to hang out with other marrieds with children. I would like to have my own group of friends again, my own clique.

 

This is not a great answer but at least it's a start?

[waterwoman]

I guess my response to this is not to rely on anyone else to make wild and precious life a good and happy one. Isn't that the problem at the heart of all these relationship threads - someone is doing or not doing something that is damaging us.

 

It has taken me a long long time (I am 51) to realise that there is no-one who has the right or the ability to 'make me happy'. I 'make me happy' and I guess the trick is picking those people who add rather than take away from my happiness.

 

Wonderful poem by the way. Just perfect xx

[SoleMate]

Thought provoking poem by a poet new to me, OP - thank you so much! Hugs to everyone on this thread who needs one.

 

As a public service announcement, I'd like to suggest everyone on this thread make an appointment to get your thyroid checked and be evaluated for depression. It can make a difference. And please check out both CBT and EMDR to deal with the emotional pain in your life. Hugs, round 2, and over and out!

[heartwhole]

I have turned to poetry for solace and inspiration a lot recently. I hadn't read Mary Oliver before this past year, though I'd seen "The Summer Day" quoted before. Then I read a story about a suicidal teenager whose life was turned around by reading "When Death Comes" and I got the two volumes of her collected works (New and Selected Poems Vols. 1 and 2). I highly recommend them!

 

"Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on."

From "Wild Geese"

 

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms."

From "When Death Comes"

 

 

"To live in this world

 

you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

 

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the times comes to let it go,

to let it go."

From "In Blackwater Woods"

 

 

"But also I say this: that light

is an invitation

to happiness,

and that happiness,

 

when it's done right,

is a kind of holiness,

palpable and redemptive."

From "Poppies"

 

 

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, just wanted to say that Mary Oliver is a great read, especially when you need some soulful quiet time.

[Forceawakensme]

great one 13Hearts.

 

Ironically, i think i need less 'wild' --- I think i chase highs, temporary highs and have done throughout my life. The next fix.

 

I need more 'precious' -- I need to appreciate more how precious my life is and treat it accordingly. For one, my health. Im not unhealthy per se, but i have neglected all the little acts of self-care that i would have and should have been paying attention to if i wasn't distracted by this A.

 

Things like taking the time to meditate and stretch every day. Journal. Really look at my diet and make sure my nutritional needs are all being met and supplementing where they are not. Taking care of the future me, the old lady me who wishes she had eaten more calcium, done more weight bearing exercises, taken better care of her eyesight and other such things. I just want to take control of myself again and focus on being the best me..... Dig really deep, to the scary yucky stuff, purge it all and begin to heal from the inside out....

 

This isn't sexy or even wild.. because its living in the ordinary and thats something i have escaped for far too long. Finally growing up and being an adult who is accountable to a set of values that i have long ago ignored/carried out cognitive dissonance to justify actions i know arnt in line with what i truly know to be right... .. anything to keep my set of highs coming. Essentially, disregarding anybodyelses pain for my own pleasure. I used to say (and believe) -- "I dont judge anybody for anything if it makes them happy --- (i believe this firmly) -- But i ALWAYS added..'. As long as its not hurting anybody" --- Yes, i conveniently forgot that last part for my A.

 

Time to face me. Sit with my anxieties and fear and depression and boredom sometimes. Scary, daunting, potentially very painful but excited by the growth that lies ahead..

[13Hearts]

That is a beautiful poem you shared. Love it.

 

 

I also love being near water. It is healing for some reason.

 

 

I know where you are at with making friends, but most people having children and wanting to have play dates and friends with other children. Much of my late 20s I could not have close friendships with people my age, so I ended up friends with ladies that were empty nesters. Seemed to be a better fit.

 

 

At this point I look at the things I am doing right to be on a path of healthy living... volunteer work, a good group of friends I meet with monthly, painting, spirituality and connecting to nature. The things I am working at to be healthier is better eating, exercise, journaling, a couple different therapies and trying to allow myself to be vulnerable with a couple friends to become closer. It is very hard to do. I am very friendly and love to be with people, but rare that I trust and allow people very close.

 

 

Seems a good idea for you to follow through with what you used to love doing; a vacation near water sounds healthy and lovely for you.

These are really good, thanks, SweetiePi. I am also focusing on trying to eat more veges, and walking for exercise as often as possible. I'm like you and have difficulty trusting others. I think I know too much.

[13Hearts]

great one 13Hearts.

 

Ironically, i think i need less 'wild' --- I think i chase highs, temporary highs and have done throughout my life. The next fix.

 

I need more 'precious' -- I need to appreciate more how precious my life is and treat it accordingly. For one, my health. Im not unhealthy per se, but i have neglected all the little acts of self-care that i would have and should have been paying attention to if i wasn't distracted by this A.

 

Things like taking the time to meditate and stretch every day. Journal. Really look at my diet and make sure my nutritional needs are all being met and supplementing where they are not. Taking care of the future me, the old lady me who wishes she had eaten more calcium, done more weight bearing exercises, taken better care of her eyesight and other such things. I just want to take control of myself again and focus on being the best me..... Dig really deep, to the scary yucky stuff, purge it all and begin to heal from the inside out....

 

This isn't sexy or even wild.. because its living in the ordinary and thats something i have escaped for far too long. Finally growing up and being an adult who is accountable to a set of values that i have long ago ignored/carried out cognitive dissonance to justify actions i know arnt in line with what i truly know to be right... .. anything to keep my set of highs coming. Essentially, disregarding anybodyelses pain for my own pleasure. I used to say (and believe) -- "I dont judge anybody for anything if it makes them happy --- (i believe this firmly) -- But i ALWAYS added..'. As long as its not hurting anybody" --- Yes, i conveniently forgot that last part for my A.

 

Time to face me. Sit with my anxieties and fear and depression and boredom sometimes. Scary, daunting, potentially very painful but excited by the growth that lies ahead..

 

You reminded me of how balanced, positive and together my life was pre-xMM. Over time, it became very unbalanced, negative, and crazy. It's hard to bounce back from that. My life was drama-free, the way I like it, and he brought HIS way of looking at things into my world, forced me to listen to himself spew all that dysfunction and negativity, and it began to affect me. Even his racism rubbed off on me! Slowly but surely I became like him, unhappy, complaining, annoyed all the time! I have got to find a way back from this abyss!

 

Thanks for helping me remember and put things into perspective.

[13Hearts]

Woke up this morning thinking about [] MM's [giving OW nicknames]. Realized that they probably ALL do this, to appeal to our need to feel protected and cared about. And how xMM had all these pet names for me and used flattery, and bought me expensive stuff all the time, to keep me feeling he was the only person who cared about me and appreciated me. What a crock! And I fell for it! Makes me SICK.

 

No wonder it takes so long to shake xMM!

Edited March 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted name of other poster ~6

[Babsinhealing]

Oh, thank you for sharing all of that, Basinhealing. I am sorry for your losses and for the really crappy things that have happened in your life. I understand some of it, as I experienced some of those things myself. I also recently suffered a death in my immediate family, and it has been very difficult to cope with. I went back on anti-depressants as a result and noticed the extreme difference in how I feel and especially how much better I function on this medication. My thinking is so much clearer and I get so much more done every day. I've sworn to myself that I will never go off this medicine again!

 

Your post is very helpful to me. It is helping me to put my life back into perspective. I really had a lot together when xMM came into my life. Now, it seems I am somewhat lost. Not because of my emotions or anything like that but because the A was so disruptive. It really caused me to lose focus on what is really important to me, which is rather why I created this thread with the poem.

 

I am hoping people coming here and posting about what they truly want for THEIR lives will help me to gather my thoughts and start thinking about what I want too. I want to set goals for myself and where I want to be in the future. It will be like a lighthouse, showing me which way to go as I journey through life.

 

((hugs)) and thank you again, Babsinhealing ❤❤

I remember a time when I was happy with my life- everything was simple and when a crisis hit (which it always did) I grieved as best as I could, but what I've gone thru the past several years has been life altering. I too want to find happiness again. I love animals (cats specifically) and think about volunteering at the shelter. I also love the elderly and think about visiting a skilled nursing facility and sitting/talking with the residents. Many are lonely. I travel every other week on average for work so I'm always on a plane or in an airport, so traveling would be last on my list! I think we need to just think back to what makes/made us happy and take steps to add them into our lives. I know, easier said than done. It's easy to be non complacent but that's obviously got me into trouble! I hope you find your happiness. (Hugs)

[Babsinhealing]

Woke up this morning thinking about [] MM's [giving OW nicknames]. Realized that they probably ALL do this, to appeal to our need to feel protected and cared about. And how xMM had all these pet names for me and used flattery, and bought me expensive stuff all the time, to keep me feeling he was the only person who cared about me and appreciated me. What a crock! And I fell for it! Makes me SICK.

 

No wonder it takes so long to shake xMM!

 

 

Mine had pet names for me too (which his wife discovered in the texts she found). She was furious at the thought and I think it solidified that we were also emotionally connected. It was very damaging to her. I can't hear the name now without wanting to cry.

Edited March 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[13Hearts]

I remember a time when I was happy with my life- everything was simple and when a crisis hit (which it always did) I grieved as best as I could, but what I've gone thru the past several years has been life altering. I too want to find happiness again. I love animals (cats specifically) and think about volunteering at the shelter. I also love the elderly and think about visiting a skilled nursing facility and sitting/talking with the residents. Many are lonely. I travel every other week on average for work so I'm always on a plane or in an airport, so traveling would be last on my list! I think we need to just think back to what makes/made us happy and take steps to add them into our lives. I know, easier said than done. It's easy to be non complacent but that's obviously got me into trouble! I hope you find your happiness. (Hugs)

 

((Hugs)) to you, too, Babs. I also love animals. But at the end of my workdays, I'm exhausted and doubt I will volunteer at a shelter even though I'd like to. I'm just plain tired with work, keeping up with things around the house, and caring for family members.

 

I do have a lunch planned with some old friends, which I am looking forward to. The weather has gotten nice here and have been enjoying being outside a little. I am hoping the nice weather kickstarts my attempts at finding myself again. At my age, I know a lot of that will have to do with who I choose to spend time with.

[13Hearts]

Mine had pet names for me too (which his wife discovered in the texts she found). She was furious at the thought and I think it solidified that we were also emotionally connected. It was very damaging to her. I can't hear the name now without wanting to cry.

 

Soon, you will realize who xMM actually is, and what he has been doing. And you will stop crying. Over time, the pain will lessen, and you will break free of the chains that bind you. You will get angry and that will help propel you forward. In the meantime, keep breathing, and be kind to yourself. Yoga can help you release your emotions, too.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I was just thinking this week about the pet names the AP had for me and the ones we had for each other. And the little inside jokes that we had. I guess is it a way of connecting us and making us feel special. It's all words. I fell for it- it's been a very long time since anyone called me sweet names. But now it's just another thing to miss and regret and feel sad about.

 

Babs- I highly recommend volunteering for animal shelters or rescues. There are many things you can do that don't require a lot of time. I volunteered with one rescue for a while and am now volunteering for another one. I actually do online stuff so I can do it easily from work or while doing other things. Dealing with animals is so rewarding! I also volunteer for other things. Right now I'm 2 weeks into a 6 week volunteer project. While I'm having time feeling motivated to see my friends or do really social things, this is something that I can do and be around people for short periods of time and feel good about myself and others. It's small but it's something.

 

I haven't answered the question you posed, 13hearts, but I'm working on it.

[Babsinhealing]

I was just thinking this week about the pet names the AP had for me and the ones we had for each other. And the little inside jokes that we had. I guess is it a way of connecting us and making us feel special. It's all words. I fell for it- it's been a very long time since anyone called me sweet names. But now it's just another thing to miss and regret and feel sad about.

 

Babs- I highly recommend volunteering for animal shelters or rescues. There are many things you can do that don't require a lot of time. I volunteered with one rescue for a while and am now volunteering for another one. I actually do online stuff so I can do it easily from work or while doing other things. Dealing with animals is so rewarding! I also volunteer for other things. Right now I'm 2 weeks into a 6 week volunteer project. While I'm having time feeling motivated to see my friends or do really social things, this is something that I can do and be around people for short periods of time and feel good about myself and others. It's small but it's something.

 

I haven't answered the question you posed, 13hearts, but I'm working on it.

I will look into it! I had two fur babies but they passed away from old age. I can't have one now because I travel too much. But I think volunteering will help me with my toxic thoughts. Thanks!

[13Hearts]

I was just thinking this week about the pet names the AP had for me and the ones we had for each other. And the little inside jokes that we had. I guess is it a way of connecting us and making us feel special. It's all words. I fell for it- it's been a very long time since anyone called me sweet names. But now it's just another thing to miss and regret and feel sad about.

 

Babs- I highly recommend volunteering for animal shelters or rescues. There are many things you can do that don't require a lot of time. I volunteered with one rescue for a while and am now volunteering for another one. I actually do online stuff so I can do it easily from work or while doing other things. Dealing with animals is so rewarding! I also volunteer for other things. Right now I'm 2 weeks into a 6 week volunteer project. While I'm having time feeling motivated to see my friends or do really social things, this is something that I can do and be around people for short periods of time and feel good about myself and others. It's small but it's something.

 

I haven't answered the question you posed, 13hearts, but I'm working on it.

xMM's pet names for me, and even the ways he talked to me and treated me, were always from a non-equal standing, that is, from a superior position, as if I am a child and he is my parent. Which is really strange given my education, accomplishments, and extreme independence. Maybe that was the draw. Maybe he knew how to appeal to the softer, weaker side of me, that no one has ever really seen in me. It was like I could just let go and be vulnerable, which I never get to do IRL.

 

We also had inside jokes and things. Often, he would create them about his BW. I went along with it for a short while but looking back I think it was a tactic he used to establish an "us versus BW" dynamic, which he expected me to buy into and continue. I bought into it for a little while because I believed what he said when he said he had told her he wanted a divorce and that she wouldn't permit it. I thought "Why in hell would a woman want to hang onto someone who doesn't want to be with them anymore?" Because I personally would have kicked him out had it been me. But, of course, I realize now he probably never said any such thing to her. He probably views her as his "mom," if you know what I mean. And needs the security of remaining married to her.

[PogoStick]

My plan is to travel the world and enjoy the company of beautiful, interesting women. Job upgrade and big new city coming this summer.

[robaday]

I just wanna give my all to it. Give 100%. Try new things, learn new things keep challenging myself so one day I can look back and think "man, I really lived":)

 

Laughing Heart by Bukowski is also a great poem.