Do I stay or do I go?

[MonkeyAdded]

I'm a 50 y.o. divorced heterosexual male with one 17 y.o. son who lives with me full time.

 

I'm involved with married woman whom I recently learned is in an abusive marriage. She's been married 14 years.

 

I have zero experience with abusive relationships.

 

We're in love, I've been there enough times now to know that's what it is. I'm not obsessed, I'm not a teenager, I truly love her and want whatever is best for her--even if that means I'm not part of her life. I'll "set her free" if that's what I need to do.

 

He discovered the affair a few weeks ago. He went home to another state. He wanted to reconcile, and to my surprise, she allowed him to come back. He's been back for about a week.

 

She told me on Saturday morning that on Friday night he had raped her three times and she finally resisted him physically on his fourth attempt and he left her alone. She also told me this isn't the first time he's done that. He's also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative--which she recognizes.

 

I understand enough to know that I don't understand what's going on in her mind. I've stopped asking or trying to understand the why and I'm focusing on the what of the situation.

 

My question is probably pretty simple, in spite of the back story. Am I, by staying in the relationship with her--still behind his back of course--and providing comfort to her, making it harder or less likely for her to leave him?

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm a 50 y.o. divorced heterosexual male with one 17 y.o. son who lives with me full time.

 

I'm involved with married woman whom I recently learned is in an abusive marriage. She's been married 14 years.

 

I have zero experience with abusive relationships.

 

We're in love, I've been there enough times now to know that's what it is. I'm not obsessed, I'm not a teenager, I truly love her and want whatever is best for her--even if that means I'm not part of her life. I'll "set her free" if that's what I need to do.

 

He discovered the affair a few weeks ago. He went home to another state. He wanted to reconcile, and to my surprise, she allowed him to come back. He's been back for about a week.

 

She told me on Saturday morning that on Friday night he had raped her three times and she finally resisted him physically on his fourth attempt and he left her alone. She also told me this isn't the first time he's done that. He's also emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative--which she recognizes.

 

I understand enough to know that I don't understand what's going on in her mind. I've stopped asking or trying to understand the why and I'm focusing on the what of the situation.

 

My question is probably pretty simple, in spite of the back story. Am I, by staying in the relationship with her--still behind his back of course--and providing comfort to her, making it harder or less likely for her to leave him?

 

No.

You're making it easier for her to stay with him.

She now has you as emotional back-up. She has an outlet.

 

She's been in this relationship for nearly as long as your son has lived. She's probably known her husband for just as long.

She took him back.

 

Look at that again. He has been abusive, and she has endured it.

She had the absolutely perfect opportunity to extricate herself from the marriage, but instead she took him back.

 

He discovered the affair. He didn't follow pattern though.

If he was truly as abusive as she claims, he would have beaten the living "daylights" out of her. That would have been more credible and 'true to form'. Instead, he left - THEN wanted to reconcile....?

 

Really?

 

She is in a co-dependent relationship. He raped her 3 times, the 4th time she managed to prevent him - and she's still there?

 

Women in abusive marriages who need to get out, either stay because of petrifying fear, or finally leave because they are given a window of opportunity. It may be brief and narrow, but they will take it.

 

She isn't making any moves to leave, in spite of being given more than one opportunity to do so.

 

Run.

Run from this and do NOT look back.

It's a toxic, dysfunctional situation and you are not her saviour but just an additional player, and new ingredient in the mix.

[MonkeyAdded]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. She's told me it's a co-dependent relationship, she's also told me she's very scared.

[MonkeyAdded]

I left her, here's what I said. I changed the names, of course.

 

You're using affairs to support you in staying with Mark. (Note to Loveshack reader: I'm not the first affair for her.)

 

You're not going to leave him while you have such support (so, please don't find someone else again.)

 

I'm not helping you by staying with you, not at all. I'm just the opposite side of Mark in supporting this--Mark and I are two sides of the same coin to you. I'm as guilty of abusing you as he is.

 

Susan, you called it assault instead of rape, it was rape (note to Loveshack reader: when she first told me about this incident, she called it both "assault" and "rape", but a day later she would only call it "assault"). Mark raped you. And he'll do it again if you choose to stay with him. You said you don't deserve to be raped--I hope you believe what you said.

 

I can't save you. And, by trying, I'm making it worse for you.

 

Let me know when you choose to start living that bright life you have in front of you. I love you too much to support you in this choice you keep making for yourself--that you've been making for 14 years or more.

You have plenty of support to get out of this when you choose to. And, I will help you in that, too if you want me to. Whenever it happens. If it happens.

 

Face your fears and they will crumble before you.

[MonkeyAdded]

Thank you TaraMaiden2, I think you may have been here back in 2010, perhaps as TaraMaiden? I seem to remember that.

 

I was 90% sure of the right thing to do when I posted this last night. Thank you for pushing me the last 10%.

 

You're doing good things here.

 

***************

 

I can't edit the post above, so I'll put it here instead. I wasn't her first affair, it was my first (and last) affair. I was the first to be discovered by the husband and he still doesn't know about the others.

 

I'm walking away from this, I won't reveal anything I know to anyone involved. If she contacts me today or in the future to help her leave him, I'll help. Also, I may restart a relationship with her at that time, even though I know you all would probably say that's a bad idea.

Edited March 21, 2016 by MonkeyAdded

[turnera]

That was actually pretty insightful, what you wrote to her. Abused women typically go back to their abusers 4 to 8 times before they leave for good. If they ever leave.

 

You have to stay out of it. Unless he's doing things that he can be arrested for, in which case you have a responsibility to report it, to start a legal record of his abuse.