Sticky situation with boyfriend and his female best friend

[zimperson]

Sorry if this ends up being long. This is my first time posting here and I need advice on something that's been going on for quite a bit.

 

I'm 19, my boyfriend (let's call him Marcus) is 18 and we've been dating for about 7 months exclusively so far, and I've only met him a month before we dated. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, I already knew he had a female best friend of 4 years (let's call her Anna). They've never been romantically involved and my boyfriend says he's never had feelings for her. He claims that their friendship is like brother and sister, but he has many other female friends and no other friendship makes me feel like this one does.

 

I have mixed views about opposite sex friends being "best friends" because my last relationship ended with my ex sleeping with one of our mutual friends who was actually close to me. I accepted my current boyfriend having a female friend since I had no reason (at the moment we began dating) to be insecure and after all, I try to keep an open mind about opposite sex friends since I have them as well.

 

Over the course of our first 4-5 months, an accumulation of things that he's said about her has cranked up my insecurity, angered, and hurt me. I'll try to keep these little things short and chronological.

 

The first day I meet Anna in person (sometime within the first month of us dating), I'm already at Marcus's house and she comes over so we can all watch a movie. So as we start watching the movie, he tries to cuddle both of us. That doesn't fly with me, so I managed to get him to cuddle only me for the rest of the movie.

 

Also within the first month, we were having a conversation that led to him telling me that my body is "eh." It takes huge cut at my self esteem. Within that same month, he talks about how Anna thinks she's ugly or whatever because she has depression/anxiety, and how he disagrees because "she's hot."

 

Fast forward to around November, and he reveals to me that around spring break time of last year (months before we met), Anna had sent him a nude and tried to sext him but he had turned her down as he had no interest in her that way and he already had his mind set on a girl he was dating. I would have let this go since it's in the past and I expect Anna has the common sense to not do it again now, but upon telling me this, he admitted he thought she was hot.

 

Lastly, he told me he was gonna buy a vibrator for her because she wanted one. I told him no way in hell was that happening, and he fought and argued and even claimed I was "emasculating" him because I was telling him what he can and can't do, and that he thought it was totally okay because he doesn't see her as a sexual object.

 

Most of these things are coming from Marcus, but Anna is also quite as oblivious as he is when it comes to boundaries (and she's quite immature). She brings up certain topics to Marcus that I don't want her to talk about, such as masturbation details, her period, anything to do with her vagina. Seriously, my boyfriend doesn't need to know that. He doesn't entertain those topics, but he doesn't shoot her down either and it took him like the 5-6 month to finally tell her that she's crossing boundaries. On top of that, she constantly brings up inside jokes between she and him when all three of us are talking and it makes me feel like I'M the third wheel.

 

Let me make it clear that I do trust Marcus and that he is a genuine guy, but he is VERY oblivious. He forgets things very easily in general and he's always been a socially awkward person so I'm not excusing what he's said, but I can see how someone in their first serious relationship can make these mistakes.

 

Anyway, so I snapped around the winter break time and these situations have been argued pretty much for about two months straight. I was livid every time we argued, asking him if he has a thing for her, why did he say those things, and I even told him that if he doesn't figure out and set his boundaries, I'm walking out. He's cried a lot from the argument and now if I even bring up something related to this, he cries.

 

He eventually brought up these issues to Anna and she kind of seemed to brush it off a bit since I guess this is her way of dealing with it and she hasn't directly contacted Marcus since he brought it up.

 

A lot has cooled down in the past several weeks, but the frequent arguments have made him scared to talk to Anna now and it stresses him out if I even bring up her name. He's expressed to me last week that he doesn't even want to talk to her anymore because of the remorse he feels and he just feels plain uncomfortable talking to her.

 

So essentially, he made the decision to not talk to her anymore. That's fine by me. He brought it upon himself and he could have stayed friends with her if he hadn't made such awkward remarks. But the thing is that he doesn't plan on telling her that he no longer wants to talk to her and he says he's not going to remove her on social media.

 

So not telling her is my problem here; He never asserts himself in this situation and leaves too much wiggle room. I honestly just want this ripped off like a band-aid. I think he needs to get some closure with her and then not contact her. Should I just leave it like it is? I think it would be too much if I asked him to get closure and then cut complete contact since he already decided not to talk to her, but I'm just bothered a bit that he's leaving contact open. What should I do? Should I even do anything?

 

Edit: His female friend and I get along fine and sometimes talk in a private chat just us two, but I can't help but feel some resentment towards her because of my boyfriend and that it probably hasn't even crossed her mind that just /maybe/ talking about certain things with my boyfriend and excluding me with inside jokes will anger and make me uncomfortable.

Edited March 21, 2016 by zimperson

[smackie9]

Why are you punishing him? If you don't find this relationship he has with her acceptable, then dump him. He has some attachment to her which would be normal, they have been friends for 4 years. You are tearing apart a friendship because of your insecurities.

 

I get that somethings are inappropriate, and it's fine to make suggestions, and express concern, BUT if he is resisting and it's making him cry, then it's time to let him go. All you are doing is developing resentment between you and him. It's just a losing battle.

[zimperson]

Why are you punishing him? If you don't find this relationship he has with her acceptable, then dump him. He has some attachment to her which would be normal, they have been friends for 4 years. You are tearing apart a friendship because of your insecurities.

 

I get that somethings are inappropriate, and it's fine to make suggestions, and express concern, BUT if he is resisting and it's making him cry, then it's time to let him go. All you are doing is developing resentment between you and him. It's just a losing battle.

 

I can understand that making him cry is wrong, okay. Perhaps I shouldn't have pushed it that far.

 

But is it really wrong to feel insecure when he talks about his female friend the way he does? That would make any girl insecure. There's nothing wrong with having an attachment to a friend, but when that friendship seems to be more than platonic, then how does one just pass it off and be okay with it?

 

His ex had the same insecurities but with another one of his female friends. He just has this pattern that was really damaging to his last relationship and to mine too. He just says things in a way that gives off the wrong ideas and in general, since he's not the most social person, he doesn't really understand what's appropriate and what's not during a relationship. His ex never brought those issues up and tried to fix it since she wasn't so confrontational but I have so he will be a little more aware about how what he says affects me.

 

Say he dates another girl in the future. Would he be better off knowing that what he says is completely inappropriate, and sets off alarms and he could be more careful with his words or should he go on pissing off future girlfriends by calling his best female friend hot, cuddling her, and buying vibrators for her? All while trying to maintain a monogamous and exclusive relationship?

 

I can admit making him cry was pretty bad, but he has to learn these boundaries and what's inappropriate at some point because if it's not me, someone else will call him out for sure.

Edited March 21, 2016 by zimperson

[smackie9]

 

 

 

Say he dates another girl in the future. Would he be better off knowing that what he says is completely inappropriate and sets off alarms and he could be more careful with his words or should he go on pissing off future girlfriends by calling his best female friend hot, cuddling her, and buying vibrators for her? All while trying to maintain a monogamous and exclusive relationship?

 

This should tell you that he isn't ready to have a committed relationship of any kind, not even with you, especially if he defends his behavior. Like I said, you should be moving on because he is resisting. This should be a dealbreaker. BTW it's not your job to be fixing his issues for future GFs. He needs to learn on his own after he realizes that he will continually be dumped if he keeps this up.

[zimperson]

This should tell you that he isn't ready to have a committed relationship of any kind, not even with you, especially if he defends his behavior. Like I said, you should be moving on because he is resisting. This should be a dealbreaker. BTW it's not your job to be fixing his issues for future GFs. He needs to learn on his own after he realizes that he will continually be dumped if he keeps this up.

 

I consider it my job and my business since it's my relationship and whether or not it lasts, I might as well tell him now where he's messing up so he can keep it in mind in the future if he's still with me or with someone else. I honestly think he's so oblivious that unless someone tells him, he won't know what his problem is.

 

Either way, everything so far is cooling down and he seems to know damn well now what is okay and what isn't so I'm sticking by him for now. He really does want to be in a committed relationship and he has made some changes to make our relationship go smoother. At the end of the day, I never asked him to cut anybody off so it's his choice.

Edited March 21, 2016 by zimperson

[mikeylo]

You need to move on from this guy.He is NOT relationship material. Everything he does with this female friend or another , is not healthy for any relationship to survive.

 

 

He will hurt you.You will never be enough. Leave him and let him buy as many vibrators for her as she wants. Who knows they are sleeping behind you ? If he has the guts to behave like this in front of you, who is to say what he is up to, behind your back?

 

Walk away. He might learn the hard way or he may never. He might regret losing you or may not. You need to run from this guy and dont look back.He is not capable of being faithful.

[smackie9]

He is not clueless, he is so emotionally attached, he is trying to get away with it....He is not so innocent. Mark my words he is going to start hiding things from you because he can't help himself.

 

There is nothing stopping him from opening up a new account under an assumed name, delete phone texts, change the name on his phone, get a different phone, etc.

 

From my perspective, this is more about it busting your ego. She has something with him, that you don't, like their intense closeness, the inside jokes, etc. You don't want her to win or lose your grip. That's why you are making it your mission....to squash her out.

 

Keep you eyes wide open.

[azureorb]

I already knew he had a female best friend of 4 years (let's call her Anna). They've never been romantically involved and my boyfriend says he's never had feelings for her.

 

NEVER had ANY feelings is a stretch if she's attractive, and that's what a guy is supposed to say. A female BFF should raise some eyebrows with a heterosexual guy. Having female friends is one thing... having one who you spend 1-on-1 time with a lot is another.

 

So as we start watching the movie, he tries to cuddle both of us. That doesn't fly with me, so I managed to get him to cuddle only me for the rest of the movie.

 

Yeah, like his fantasy isn't a 3some. I say that partially in jest, but honestly, trying to cuddle with his new girl and his female BFF at the same time? More than a red flag.

 

Also within the first month, we were having a conversation that led to him telling me that my body is "eh." .... and how he disagrees because "she's hot."

 

That nixes the whole zero-feelings for her. He probably at some point made a move or talked about something and she denied him, he moved on, but still likes her.

 

Anna had sent him a nude and tried to sext him but he had turned her down as he had no interest in her that way and he already had his mind set on a girl he was dating. .... but upon telling me this, he admitted he thought she was hot.

 

This is the reason why 1-on-1 close platonic relationships with boy & girl isn't a good idea, even when single. Why be so close and 1-on-1? One is going to like the other on some scale, at some point. It's a given. Sometimes it's never mentioned, sometimes it is but swept away & they can move on being just friends -- but what's the Point of being so close 1-on-1? Attraction.

 

Lastly, he told me he was gonna buy a vibrator for her because she wanted one. ... and that he thought it was totally okay because he doesn't see her as a sexual object.

 

And you're buying this crap??

 

She brings up certain topics to Marcus that I don't want her to talk about, such as masturbation details, her period, anything to do with her vagina.

 

Wow.

 

Let me make it clear that I do trust Marcus and that he is a genuine guy, but he is VERY oblivious.

 

But he's going to play that up big-time to get away with being close to the girl he does like. He probably doesn't categorize it the same as other girls, because he's been friends with her for a long time, is all. That's his clueless part.

 

Yes, it is about boundaries. Basically, in a civil talk, one could tell each of them that being close 1-on-1 friends with someone isn't going to fly when one finds the other cute (let alone 'hot'). Things DEVELOP. You're in a changing age realm, too.

 

The rule of thumb is that you distance yourself from any close 1-on-1 relationships you have with the opposite sex, to prevent things from developing. For MOST people, it comes Natural to do so. For others, if they're not willing to make their 1-on-1 relationship with another guy/girl be more on the group-friends variety and distance themselves -- then they got a thing for them underneath it all.

[sandylee1]

If any BF of mine suggested buying a vibe for any other female.... that would be the end of our relationship... right there and then. I ain't sticking around to be disrespected like that. I can't comprehend such bull. He's said she's hot more than once and he doesn't see her as a sexual object? Yeah right.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

I don't think anyone could give you any better advice than what has already been given to you. It is all sound and I think you should heed it.

 

I really do not see a future with this guy

[MovingOnIsHard]

This guy doesn't sound relationship material to me... (Maybe an open relationship)

 

Does he have any guy friends that he hangs out with regularly? I find that people who mostly have opposite-sex close friends and no same-sex friends, to be lacking self-esteem and looking for lots of validation.

[lychee]

Unfortunately she was there before you and unless he's cheating on you..you can't really make him stop talking to her.

 

If you can't deal with a man who has a female best friend, your best bet is to leave.

 

The friend will stay and if you make him stop talking to her, he will resent you.

[Golfguy80]

My 2 cents ( and it's worth 5 ) in situations like this, unless one is gay or one is extremely unattractive, or both are in a committed relationship ( and even then it can be sketchy ) something has or will eventually happen. I've been around the block and seen too many things to not believe that. I've just seen too many times a guy and a girl who have a good friendship allow weak moments even if they didn't intend on it. The problem is that they are emotionally close so it's easy to slip.

 

That being said, this dude might be the exception but at 19 and based on what you said, doesn't appear that way. You're young. You have a lot of time ahead to meet people. This doesn't sound like it's ever going to go away. You can't give him an ultimatum or he will resent you. If it were me, I'd bolt before it gets too much.