Married man, relationship, life and morality and stuff...

[Karys]

Ok, so I have been in a relationship for around 6 years. We've had many problems which we have tried to work through. Sadly, I am now reaching the point where I think we are done but because I have ended the relationship before, I know that if I end it again, it is over for good (this is what my partner has told me). So, I am taking my time to think about things, to make sure that I am definitely making the right decision because there is no going back.

 

Just for information, I do love my partner, it's just that we both have depression and I think it makes it hard for us both to connect consistently. He is moody and aggressive, although this is occasional, more than constant, it's very difficult to live with - every time I start to relax and feel comfortable around him, something else happens. We also have a poor sex life and have been like this for years. I don't think it's coming back either. It feels as if he's about as interested in me as I am in him right now.

 

Anyway, one of the reasons I am beginning to feel certain that my relationship is done is because of a strong attraction to someone I have at work. To me, this type of attraction only ever happens when there is something fundamentally wrong with your primary relationship. Tbh, I stopped taking my anti-depressants in an attempt to improve our sex life but to my surprise, when my sex drive came back, I was extremely attracted to another man, who unfortunately, I work with. So I started taking them again to get a grip back on my emotions. It hasn't helped and has just made me doubt even more my relationship with my partner.

 

So, this isn't so much about morality. I can't have affairs, as I can't live with the guilt, therefore, this isn't something I'm planning on doing. However, I am feeling very messed up about what to do in the future.

 

The guy I am attracted to, I think, likes me. However, he is also in a relationship and has children. My dad was a total dickhead, whereas this guy seems like a good dad. For that reason alone, I'm wary of going near him because I would never want to take a good man away from his children. His partner is another matter. I get the impression that he isn't happy or fulfilled, they've been together a long time. I dunno what I think on this.

 

Having been stuck in that type of relationship before, I have sympathy with him. To me, it's a very bad idea to have children growing up witnessing even a mediocre relationship, as I don't think you should encourage them to think that is normal, or acceptable. This is speaking as someone who grew up with parents who didn't love one another and feels this has had a lot to do with the extent of my messed up relationships, particularly earlier in life.

 

So, if I do decide to end my relationship, from my perspective, this is what I should do.

 

1. Have a bit of time to work out if this is some sort of work induced madness, maybe by leaving

2. If it isn't, find some way to get to know the guy at my work better

3. Find out where he's at and what he wants. If it's just a bit on the side, explain that I'm not interested.

4. Talk to him about the children thing, see what he thinks about that.

4. If he agrees with me and does actually want more than a fling, find out if we are actually compatible (by talking, getting to know each other, at most maybe kissing him. This might seem immoral but to me there's no point having him walk away unless there's a strong chance it will work). I wouldn't sleep with him. That would be stupid.

5. If we are compatible, tell him that I only want to have sex as part of a proper relationship and leave it up to him.

 

I know that I'll probably have women telling me that I'm betraying women and families, etc, etc, but to me that's a load of crap. I don't believe in people staying in unhappy relationships because other people are too desperate to let go. I don't believe that children should be brought up to believe that half a relationship is enough, in fact I think it's irresponsible and potentially damaging to their future chances of happiness in intimate relationships.

 

 

I'm actually curious as to what you think about this perspective. I always feel as if I'm about to get lynched when I mention it to people in RL...

 

 

Thanks for reading....

[imperfectangel]

He sounds happily married and you should leave well alone. It's one thing for things to "happen" naturally it's quite another to actively seek out a married man

[privategal]

Sometimes when you realize its over, thinking it all through and making sure etc etc are ways to prolong when the truth is you know what it takes to stay isnt there.

Also that man at work who is a father...who knows why you felt an atteaction..we will always find people like this.

But as you are likely about to face a breakup and battling your depression dusease, you cant complicate these things with a love triangle.

You dont want to be any 3rd wheel.

I think the idea here is to have the courage to say, I want a healthy strong lofe, I want to have the courage to break up, strengthen myself and heal and find and I see by my attraction to men that I have a heart open to love and romance, and thats exciting that when the time is right, I will be open to dating single men and I will have done the work to be healed and ready for a simple happy dating experience.

That time is not now.

You have some loose ends and healing to do and the "good guy" at work just is loking like the dad you never had, the good guy, the savior and rescuer to make you feel safe and give you the love and emotional stability your craving.

The universe doesnt give us "the one" and give that one to another at the same time. Happy at home or not he isnt available.

Do not think of him for a second or befriend him put a lock on it...your condused right now and thats a dangerous place.

Love you right now.

Be brave.

[Karys]

I think the idea here is to have the courage to say, I want a healthy strong lofe, I want to have the courage to break up, strengthen myself and heal and find and I see by my attraction to men that I have a heart open to love and romance, and thats exciting that when the time is right, I will be open to dating single men and I will have done the work to be healed and ready for a simple happy dating experience.

That time is not now.

You have some loose ends and healing to do and the "good guy" at work just is loking like the dad you never had, the good guy, the savior and rescuer to make you feel safe and give you the love and emotional stability your craving.

The universe doesnt give us "the one" and give that one to another at the same time. Happy at home or not he isnt available.

Do not think of him for a second or befriend him put a lock on it...your condused right now and thats a dangerous place.

Love you right now.

Be brave.

 

Whoah there people on the internet being profound and making me cry. Thank you privategal that's probably what I needed to hear x

[Satu]

deleted - afterthought

[Karys]

Other people's men are other people's men.

 

If you want one, find one of your own.

 

When you're single...

 

You see, this is where I think it all goes wrong. We aren't all living in an ideal world where we're paired with the right person. Many people settle out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of being hurt. To me that's just a half life, a waste.

 

 

The fact is that he might well be happier with me and I might be happier with him. If he isn't willing to end his relationship, I'm not willing to be with him or to have an affair. I'm wouldn't be some monster 'stealing' him from someone else. He's either unhappy enough to leave and take a risk, or he's not.

 

 

You could also argue that if we we're both to leave and eventually have a happier relationship, I would be doing us all a favour. If we were happier, his children would have a better relationship to model, his wife would have the chance to be in a more fulfilled relationship with someone else. I'm aware of how horribly patronising that sounds by the way, but I've seen it happen quite a few times before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And would he run off with someone else if he was with me? Well, hopefully by being upfront and offering him what I consider to be a choice, rather than just blindly sleeping with him and hoping for the best, it might let him see that I won't either engage in or put up with that sort of behaviour in an relationship. And if he did, it would be my own personal karma. And he would likely have eventually done it to his wife anyway, so at least I wouldn't have slept with him while he was with her.

 

However, this is all hypothetical. And what the poster above said about needing time out and the stuff about my dad hit home. So I would be doing that. But if and when I am healthy, I don't see the problem with offering someone a choice about who they want to be with as long as you don't start an actual affair first.

[Karys]

deleted - afterthought

 

Ah you deleted lol

[purplesorrow]

You see, this is where I think it all goes wrong. We aren't all living in an ideal world where we're paired with the right person. Many people settle out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of being hurt. To me that's just a half life, a waste.

 

 

The fact is that he might well be happier with me and I might be happier with him. If he isn't willing to end his relationship, I'm not willing to be with him or to have an affair. I'm wouldn't be some monster 'stealing' him from someone else. He's either unhappy enough to leave and take a risk, or he's not.

 

 

You could also argue that if we we're both to leave and eventually have a happier relationship, I would be doing us all a favour. If we were happier, his children would have a better relationship to model, his wife would have the chance to be in a more fulfilled relationship with someone else. I'm aware of how horribly patronising that sounds by the way, but I've seen it happen quite a few times before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And would he run off with someone else if he was with me? Well, hopefully by being upfront and offering him what I consider to be a choice, rather than just blindly sleeping with him and hoping for the best, it might let him see that I won't either engage in or put up with that sort of behaviour in an relationship. And if he did, it would be my own personal karma. And he would likely have eventually done it to his wife anyway, so at least I wouldn't have slept with him while he was with her.

 

However, this is all hypothetical. And what the poster above said about needing time out and the stuff about my dad hit home. So I would be doing that. But if and when I am healthy, I don't see the problem with offering someone a choice about who they want to be with as long as you don't start an actual affair first.

He already has that choice. He is where he chooses to be. He would leave just like you're considering doing if he no longer wanted to be there.

[Satu]

Ah you deleted lol

 

Yes. I thought my comment was unnecessarily harsh given the way you're feeling.

[minimariah]

i think you're trying to recreate the events of your childhood with this MM -- but this time... with a different outcome. you seem confused & you're doing your best to rationalize this affair (and yeah - it would have been an affair, even with no sex); you're trying to feel entitled and to some degree... you seem to think you're actually doing the MM's children a favor by "saving" them from the same childhood YOU had. you should probably seek better counseling. i think you have deeper issues you never really dealt with.

Edited March 21, 2016 by minimariah

[Satu]

I sense a profound feeling of desperation lying unseen beneath the OP's surface thoughts and comments.

[imperfectangel]

Sorry but this is just horrible. You are actively planning on breaking up a family smh this behaviour isn't ok if he wanted to leave he would've done. He hasn't. You haven't even kissed. He is happily married, move along and find your own man

[ChickiePops]

The sense of entitlement you're displaying is just astonishing. Leave this guy alone! You shouldn't have to be told that FFS.

 

Read some of the stories on this board and on the infidelity board. Hopefully that will knock some sense into you when you read about how much pain it would cause you, him, his partner, and their poor, innocent children.

[lemondrop21]

If you go back to the beginning of my thread "Coming out of the affair fog" you'll see that I was in a similar situation at the start of my affair, except that MM went after me. I had never planned to pursue him or even thought of him in that way, until he initiated. But I did have serious doubts about my relationship at the time.

 

I would use this as a good opportunity to examine your current relationship without brining this MM into it at all. Ok so you know you are sexually drawn to him. He may be the most compelling person in your life sexually right now, but I promise you, there are others in the world (and you haven't even had sex with him yet, thankfully!). So the info you have obtained is that your sex drive isn't dead, it just isn't there when it comes to your partner.

 

Ok, why aren't you turned on by your partner? Has this been an ongoing thing, or did you used to be turned on by him? And how important is sex to you in a relationship? Maybe more important than you thought... Or maybe not worth losing your current partner for. Or maybe worth trying to improve (yes, I know you've tried) before throwing in the towel. With my ex, I was only REALLY turned on by him in situations when he "took control" both in and out of the bedroom. This was quite atypical. The lack of sexual arousal for me was actually reflective of my unhappiness with the entire relationship dynamic. I felt I had to parent him and it probably never would have changed. I feel I made the right choice by leaving.

 

I did not actually need a full blown affair with MM to figure out any of the above (and in fact, I ended it with ex bf before anything physical really happened with MM). I regret the affair and wish I had simply ended it with ex bf AND ignored MM. Please try and separate the issues with your partner and the issues with MM in your mind. Realize that all the feelings you're getting for MM are based on basically nothing, and it's more a sign of what is perhaps "off" in your own life. Work on that.

 

Best of luck to you.

[sandylee1]

You need to leave this man alone. You're setting out to insert yourself in somebody else's marriage. It's not your business or your problem how happy or sad he may be in his relationship.

 

I don't like to say this.. but you are actively setting out to be a home wrecker. Please don't do this.... Instead stay in your relationship with your partner and seek couples therapy.

 

A married or otherwise committed man should be seen as unavailable and off limits..... what part of you things your actions in propositioning him are acceptable? That's really not okay.

 

Do you want to be the reason he doesn't see his kids every day?

The reason their mother is distraught?

 

Please please have some empathy.... would you like this done to your sister /friend/cousin .. .

 

Just because we don't know someone..it doesn't absolve us as human beings of doing them wrong. It really doesn't.

[elaine567]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different"...

[whichwayisup]

End your R with your partner since you're not happy and he's not happy, best to move on so you both can heal and find someone (SINGLE) else to be with.

The guy I am attracted to, I think, likes me. However, he is also in a relationship and has children.

 

Don't even go there. This man is not up for grabs even if he makes it seem like he is. He is still "living life" with his wife and kids. If he's so unhappy, he can divorce and then date you. Don't go chasing him because you're gonna get hurt and drag innocent children and a wife into this. Again, even if he tries to make a move on you, run. Be strong and fight the attraction.

 

Work on you, be on your own and when you're ready date (single) guys, not married ones. Read more stories in this section so you will see what you're up against, read stories in infidelity section so you'll see the pain and betrayal on the other side. I doubt you want to help destroy a family by having an A with a MM.

[anika99]

"I know that I'll probably have women telling me that I'm betraying women and families, etc, etc, but to me that's a load of crap. I don't believe in people staying in unhappy relationships because other people are too desperate to let go. I don't believe that children should be brought up to believe that half a relationship is enough, in fact I think it's irresponsible and potentially damaging to their future chances of happiness in intimate relationships."

 

If you don't believe in staying in an unhappy relationship then you should never stay in an unhappy relationship but your beliefs don't entitle you to decide what is best for others. You want to break up the home of some innocent children because you imagine that would be best for them? You don't care what is best for them, you want their father and you are thinking about yourself. If you were so concerned about children being raised in unhappy homes you would have done something for all these poor children in the world before now. You just want to have this guy and you are rationalizing it by pretending it will be better for his kids. You don't know his kids and you get no say in their lives and what is good for them.

 

If it's against your morals to cheat on your partner then why would you want to encourage this guy to cheat on his partner? If he is spending time with you getting to know you and developing feelings for you then that is cheating, sex or no sex. So you're plan is to get him into at least an emotional affair with you while you claim that affairs are against your morals. You may want to look into this disconnect between what you say and what you really think.

 

In any case I don't think you have really thought this through. You think you are going to walk away from your partner and then get this guy to walk away from his family and then the two of you will be happy together. That is so far from reality. If you did start a relationship with him that way it would be soooo toxic.

Way more unhealthy than whatever relationship he has going on with his partner right now. Separated or newly divorced me are a mess and need time, lots of time, to adjust and their main focus should be on helping their kids adjust too, not getting busy with a new squeeze.

 

You sound unhappy and you are looking for happiness in a taken man. That is a big mistake that will only result in even more unhappiness for you.

[heartwhole]

Have you been off (and then back on) the antidepressants under the care of your doctor? You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

 

All of this hypothetical talk about the married man who may or may not like you seems like a distraction from the real issue of your primary relationship. The news that you still have a sex drive and can be attracted to new people is good. Where you have taken that news, with a detailed plan for how you will get to know the married man better and then spring the idea that you should date each other if he's OK with seeing his children half the time, is a bizarre leap, IMO.

 

I'm not going pile on to the "respect the wife and children" train. Actually, I have lived the other side of it. My husband met this woman, they struck up a friendship, and then she told him she was falling in love with him. Surely she had all the same ideas about how he must be unhappy and no one should stay together just for the kids, etc. She told him to be brave and strong and to let go (of the pesky wife and kids). He fell in love right back and then . . . yup, it ended, he recommitted to his family and worked on his issues, and from what I can tell, she's still single a year later and tweeting about how one of these days, God is going to make her life great. But all that said, I believe it's the married person who should have proper boundaries. It's the married person who should slam the door on aspiring interlopers. I don't expect men to stay faithful just because women decide to band together and force them to be monogamous. So no, I'm not going to lecture you on that. I'm just going to point out that your plan is puzzling. That's the nicest thing I can say about it.

 

Yes, you have problems in your relationship. Yes, sex should be good and satisfying. Yes, there are other people you can be attracted to. The key is to find someone compatible at the same stage of life who wants the same things. Being married with kids already nixes this married man off the "same stage of life who wants the same things" list. So you think . . . sure, this whole marriage thing is a pesky inconvenience, but I can just change that . . . Wouldn't it be easier to take this newfound knowledge that you aren't dead sexually and want a relationship that actually works for you, and go find someone looking for the same thing?

 

And looking for a new relationship should happen only after you've processed this last one. Which, I'll remind you, you haven't even decided to end yet.

 

My greatest piece of advice would be to stop looking to external factors and start looking to yourself. Are your antidepressants working for you? Do you want to commit to working on your relationship with your boyfriend for a period of time? What will that look like? What do you need for this to be a satisfying relationship for you, emotionally and physically? What can you do to be healthier emotionally and physically? What practical steps will you need to take if you are to end the relationship? Etc etc.

[imperfectangel]

I don't understand why anyone would actively seek out a married man. There are millions of single men that you can have the same attraction to. Don't wreck this guy's head if he was that unhappy he would be married - something we read on here all the time

 

Just read some of the threads on here and in the infedility section and see how much pain and hurt come with affairs

 

Just leave the poor man alone.

[privategal]

The affair hasnt even begun so theres hope for you to stop and run now. Read pages and pages of all of our stories theoughout your week and use the painful experiences to help you not do it.

We all thought we were the exception and special and our stories and connections were unique.

Please help yourself to the examples of pain and make the right choice.

No shame in divorce if you need to leave.

But he has a family.

You have choices.

[Cymbeline]

i think a chat about this with your medical advisors might be a good idea, so that you can explain your thinking and they can check that your medication is working optimally for you. It's a big leap of faith to think a man who might fancy you a bit is going to leave his family for you. And you'd both need to be awfully psychologically robust to build a relationship upon the wreck of his abandoned family.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If depression is an issue for you and affects your current relationship, what makes you think it would be any different with this MM?

 

Can you imagine someone, somewhere, with out your knowledge deciding that you are not happy enough in your current relationship and that they should intervene on behalf of your spouse and children??? That doesn't sound very realistic to me!

 

Also, you say it's not your intention to break up this family or take this MM from his wife, then you think through exactly how you would do that. Kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth... Saying one thing then refuting it in the next breath.

 

How far have you actually thought this fantasy out? Would you move into the MM home, who would have custody of his children?

 

Why not just get all this out into the light of day? Ask him for a few minutes, explain how his long term mediocre marriage is causing him to be miserable and ruining his children's chance at ever having a a decent relationship. Let him know that you are the answer to all his problems. Then you don't have to waste time ruminating. You ca cut straight to the chase.

[imperfectangel]

If depression is an issue for you and affects your current relationship, what makes you think it would be any different with this MM?

 

Can you imagine someone, somewhere, with out your knowledge deciding that you are not happy enough in your current relationship and that they should intervene on behalf of your spouse and children??? That doesn't sound very realistic to me!

 

Also, you say it's not your intention to break up this family or take this MM from his wife, then you think through exactly how you would do that. Kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth... Saying one thing then refuting it in the next breath.

 

How far have you actually thought this fantasy out? Would you move into the MM home, who would have custody of his children?

 

Why not just get all this out into the light of day? Ask him for a few minutes, explain how his long term mediocre marriage is causing him to be miserable and ruining his children's chance at ever having a a decent relationship. Let him know that you are the answer to all his problems. Then you don't have to waste time ruminating. You ca cut straight to the chase.

 

I'm pretty sure if she did this mm would think she was completely crazy and would probably tell his wife every single detail of the conversation and they'd have a good laugh about how a woman at work has a crush on him

[13Hearts]

Not being mean but want to point something out to you. You say:

 

I don't believe in people staying in unhappy relationships because other people are too desperate to let go.

 

and yet that's exactly what you are doing.

 

Here is my take on this situation:

 

Break up with your partner once and for all. Get it over with, move on, and re-settle yourself. Figure out exactly what you want in life and set goals for yourself, 5-year, 10-year, 20-year and even more. Then, date single, available people who match up with your picture of what you want your life to look like, and who want the same things.

 

Don't pick a guy for your life just because you're attracted to him and he turns you on. He's not right for you, unless you believe that you are stronger than the rest of us and you want to waste the next 3-10 years trying to convince some guy you hardly know that you know better for his life than he does and that he should abandon his family and children.

 

Honestly? It does not sound like fun to me and I've been through it (somewhat).

Forget about this guy and come up with a new plan, please.