I can't believe what my ex is allowing and encouraging our daughter to do

[PRust]

Hey. I was just wondering what I can do to stop my ex giving my daughter really bad advice, even encouraging her to make decisions that are detrimental to her wellbeing. I’m not sure that pursuing a legal avenue would get the results I want anyway but I’m scared for my daughter and the path which she is going down.

 

A bit about our situation. We were together 14 years and have been separated for the last 6 years. Our daughter has just turned 17. We live close to each other and our daughter shares her time between our two houses. My ex and I don’t really get along after what happened but we’re adult enough to remain civil to each other.

 

Ok, so now what has happened. My daughter was staying at my place and was going to a party that night. She left her phone here and all night it was going off. It was annoying the hell out of me and so I opened it just to shut it off. The message that was on the screen was from her boyfriend and was inappropriate. That prompted me to snoop through the phone and while the messages back and forth between her and her boyfriend left a bitter taste in my mouth it was the messages between her and my ex that are a real genuine concern.

 

I don’t wish to go into detail but I will give a couple of examples so you can understand the concern. One group of messages my daughter was asking her mom about how she can do a certain sex act that she was being asked to do. She was doing it and it was hurting so she was asking how to do it differently. Now I’m not naïve enough to believe my daughter is a virgin but I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging her to do this.

 

The other one was concerning threesomes. The best I could gather was that she was asked by her boyfriend to do it with a friend. She asked her mom and her mom instead of saying don’t was telling her to make sure that she really wanted it and only do it if he agrees to one with another guy.

 

Now I appreciate the closeness that they clearly have but that is not the sort of advice I want my daughter to be receiving. Who tells their daughter to go ahead with a threesome? Let alone encouraging more! And my daughter was only 16 at the time!! This is very upsetting.

 

But now I’m stuck. I shouldn’t know any of this so it’s difficult to sit my daughter down and offer her a different perspective of relationships without breaking her trust. I can’t even really confront my ex because clearly she will just tell my daughter. But while my ex has questionable morals I never thought she’d so blatantly share them with our daughter.

 

Please help. I think I’m stuck. I cannot just stand by and say nothing but by saying something I stand to lose my daughters trust thus negating any good that would potentially come from being able to guide her away from the ridiculous path her mom is allowing her to go down.

[preraph]

On one hand, it's good it's her mom she's talking to. On the other hand, your daughter is young and naive and probably really stupid about boys and probably gives them more credit for caring about her than they deserve. I think your best action is to sit your daughter down and address the pushy boyfriend issue first and tell her not to let a man control her and tell her that jealousy isn't flattering and isn't about her but is a character flaw in the man, an insecurity.

 

You need to tell her not to do anything she isn't totally comfortable doing and that just because a boy wants to have sex with her doesn't mean he really cares about her and that it's likely that most guys don't get serious until they're approaching 30. Just tell her the truth about boys and men and make sure she's on birth control pills! This is too important to act like you didn't see it. But she needs some input here from someone who really understands what boys that age are like.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think it's a fine line. Your daughter is almost an adult, and there is only so much you can do to try and prevent her from having sex... it's good that she is honestly communicating with her mom about this stuff.

 

 

But her mom needs to find that balance that while she wants to keep those lines of communication open, she isn't her friend, and still needs to put in the parental viewpoint. Heck, even on here, if someone asks about a 3 some as open minded of a forum as this is, people will bring up the potential cons. Doesn't seem like Mom is doing this.

 

 

But what can you do to prevent it at this point? You can try to talk some sense into your ex, but it probably won't have much effect. Best you can do is try to open up the lines of communication with your daughter a little more, but really what 17 year old girl wants to talk about her sex life with her dad? Do you have a sister or older niece or anything you could get involved? Just to give some better advice?

[anika99]

I think your ex is being inappropriate. She is trying to be the cool best friend instead of the parent. I know there is a belief out there that parents and their kids should be able to talk about everything and anything and I actually believe in that too but not if its crossing parent/child boundaries. I spoke to my mom openly about sex but we talked without giving each other the actual details of our personal sex lives.

 

If my underage daughter told me she was being asked to join her boyfriend in a threesome I might not actually forbid it because I'd know I couldn't stop it from happening if that's what she really wanted to do but I'd sure as hell do my best to get her to question that decision. I definitely wouldn't tell her to only do it if it's going to be with 2 guys. I mean what the hell kind of motherly advice is that? Maybe her daughter actually wants it to be another girl, maybe she would feel safer and less intimated with another girl rather then having 2 guys coming at her. Did your ex say anything to her about making sure she really knows the 3rd person and feels safe with that person before she does anything sexual with them? Based on the little you've shared it just doesn't sound like your ex is considering her daughter's safety and wellbeing. She's trying to hard to be the cool friend rather than the protective mother.

 

As you are the dad she probably won't talk to you about these things but you could start conversations with her about protecting herself from physical and emotional harm. You could teach her about personal power and believing in herself and never looking to a man to get her self worth or validation. There are a lot of things you two can talk about that will impact her and possibly influence her decisions regarding sex even if you never actually talk about sex.

[preraph]

You do have to remember that by age 17, it's almost too late to tell them what to do. It's good she's at least talking to the mom. At 17 I wasn't confiding in my parents at all. But the biggest influence on kids is not what you say but what kind of role model you've been for the 17 years of her life. If you've been loving and considerate, she will seek a man who is loving and considerate. If you've been a cheater or won't do chores around the house, she will be more likely to think that is normal and choose a man like that. If you've demonstrated sex is your priority, she'll decide that's normal in a man too and choose accordingly or make it her priority as well. So it's more about what you've done up to this point.

[bathtub-row]

Your ex is nuts to be talking to her daughter in such a way. Having said that, though, there's probably no fix for her ignorance. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd just have a talk with your daughter; something that's very general and doesn't give away that you know anything. The truth is, over the years it would've been wise for you to instill certain values and knowledge in your daughter. Waiting until now is like closing the barn door after the horse got out. I don't think it's too late for you to tell her your point of view though. Daughters need to hear that from their dads. She also needs to know that you will protect her. If you don't like her bf, then say so. It doesn't mean you need to insist they stop seeing one another, but it means that said bf will learn to have a healthy fear of you.

 

Or...the quick solution would be to purchase a .22 and tell the bf to never darken your doorstep again. Lol.

[SammySammy]

What would you say to your daughter? How do you think she's going to react?

[amaysngrace]

That's why you're not suppose to snoop through other people's phones especially your sexually active daughter's one.

 

Ignorance is bliss.

[Standard-Fare]

If you do choose to pursue this, I think it would be something to address with your ex-wife, not your daughter. Tell her you inadvertently got a whiff of some of those text exchanges and were disturbed by what you saw.

 

While it sounds like your ex is being a too casual and blase about all this, playing more of a "friend" role than a mother role, I do think it's very positive that your daughter trusts her enough to be that candid and open with her. (Trust me, the majority of 17-year-old girls would not go NEAR these subjects with either of their parents.)

 

But since your ex-wife does hold that trusted position, she has to treat it carefully. And that should be the general tone of your conversation with your ex: "I know our daughter's sexually active, I see that you're talking with her about it, and I want to make sure you're giving her solid, restrained advice from the perspective of an adult, instead of acting like her peer."

 

I would not advise even approaching this conversation with your daughter - I promise it would explode in flames.

[PRust]

Sorry for taking so long to get back.

 

My daughter and I have a solid relationship. She has confided in me in the past. She has been seeing this boy since they were 14 and she did tell me when she was just over 15 that she was thinking over going all the way with him. We had along talk and without boring you with details we (she) agreed to wait until she was at least 16. I believe she stuck to that although if she asked her mom as well who knows what she would have been told.

 

I feel comfortable sitting her down and talking generally about relationships, commitment, respect etc but I do feel as though I broke her trust by snooping through her phone. I don't think I could ever tell her that which raises a whole new dilemma, how can I expect her to be totally truthful to me when I am not with her.

 

Anyway it seems from a majority of the comments that we're not overly concerned with what the ex has been saying. I must say I find that surprising as I am appalled by it, but I take the comments on board nonetheless.

 

I'm not sure what I am going to do. I think for now I trust that I raised a good person and that she will make the right decisions despite the rubbish her mom is preaching to her. I would love to sit the ex down and tell her to grow up but I just wouldn't get anywhere. She wouldn't do it when we were together, she's not going to listen to me now.

 

I think it's time for a family dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend. If I'm lucky I might be able to get a feel as to what the dynamics between them are. I'm not against her being sexually active at this age but I'm dead against it if I feel she's being pressured in any way.

[Art_Critic]

Your appalled by it because you're her Dad and that is what Dads do when they think about their Daughter being sexual.

As far as what your Ex has said to her, it certainly seems she is trying to be her friend rather than her parent but that said if you want your child to not do something the last thing you should do is tell them not to, they will go do it as soon as your back is turned and that may be why your Ex went the direction she did.

 

I would let this all go and do nothing, you snooped.. you got an eye full and feel upset by it but those feelings are on you and not your Daughter who is reaching an Adult age.

 

You could do as you suggested and get to know the BF better though.. that is something you should have done a long time ago.

[GunslingerRoland]

 

Anyway it seems from a majority of the comments that we're not overly concerned with what the ex has been saying. I must say I find that surprising as I am appalled by it, but I take the comments on board nonetheless.

 

 

I'm not sure what I am going to do. I think for now I trust that I raised a good person and that she will make the right decisions despite the rubbish her mom is preaching to her.

 

I took most of the comments to read that we were appalled by your ex, but impressed in the fact that your daughter is actually comfortable talking to a parent about sex. That is rare for teenagers.

 

 

You have raised a good person, and if your daughter decides to engage in sexual experimentation... she will still be a good person. I'm not saying it's the right decision for a 17 year old girl to make. But it doesn't change who she is.

[sandylee1]

As the mother of a teenage daughter.. I am appalled at what your ex said. In fact I found it unbelievable for a mother to say ... not that I don't believe you.

 

All I can say is that your ex hasn't maintained appropriate parental boundaries.. or she would never have asked those questions in the first place. It wouldn't suprise me if your wife also discusses her own sexual activities with your daughter.... hence the level of comfort.

 

I'd expect your daughter discussed those things with her peers or looks online.... but who in their right mind entertains the idea of a threesome for their 16 year old. Being open minded is one thing .... but this is encouraging promiscuity..... and what your daughter really needs is a mother who'd tell her not to be coerced and manipulated by boyfriends.

 

I feel terribly sorry for you OP ... because it's a very tough situation and I'd be at a loss like you are.

 

There's just some people who shouldn't be parents .... she's one of them.

[turnera]

What your daughter needs from you right now is honesty, NOT judging her, sharing your stories (what went wrong, what went right), and suggestions about what YOU would do if you were a girl in her situation. Kids don't know everything, and they usually value hearing perspectives from the adults they trust. Tell her the truth, that her phone kept going off so you picked it up and saw what was going on, so you kept reading. Then tell her that you wish she would have waited for these types of things til she's a little older, but you respect her enough to let her make her own decisions. But you want to at least talk to her about your feelings about the situation. And then go on to tell her all men are pigs, lol, and a teenage boy's one aim is to see how far girls will let him go. Not that her boyfriend is a bad guy, but that at his age, his body urges are pushing him to do things he probably won't be proud of in a few years.

 

And that it's HER job to ONLY say yes to things that feel GOOD to her, and only when he's making sure it's pleasurable for HER, and only say yes to things you don't have to think twice about.

 

And that you want her to feel safe to talk to you about anything. And you hope she will, and that you'll never judge her.

 

I told my DD that when I had 'the talk' after I found her sending pictures of herself to a boy - that I would never judge her. She was 15 or 16. Years later, she told me that she didn't believe me when I said it, she even tested me a few times, but I really never did judge her. Today, she says I'm her best friend. Not being judged is a teenager's greatest need, because they are full of self doubt and just waiting to be judged and found unloveable or unpopular. Show her you're safe.

[PRust]

It wouldn't suprise me if your wife also discusses her own sexual activities with your daughter.... hence the level of comfort.

 

I have no doubt of that. My ex has no boundaries, she has no remorse when she's caught, no shame that she did what she did. It's all about her enjoyment and everyone else be damned. But even forgetting the actual sexual aspect of it all for a moment, I just don't want my daughter to have those same lack of values. The trouble is teenagers want to have fun, they want to push the boundaries. I am trying to temper that with logic but her mom is encouraging it. My worry was, who is she going to listen to?

 

----

 

So I said earlier that I was going to organize a dinner with them. Well it has happened and it went very well. I had met him many times but I guess we had never really spoken at length. I treated them like adults, I let them drink with their meals and my daughter especially reciprocated well sharing a whole lot about her life without me having to even ask.

 

I think the most revealing thing to me was that she doesn't like her mothers lifestyle choices. She even apologized to me for what her mom did that caused us to split. There was of course no need for her to apologize but it was nice to know that she has empathy, something her mom lacks.

 

I felt sorry for her boyfriend when my daughter acknowledged that they were sexually active. I don't think anyone has ever seen a brighter shade of red. I told my daughter that as long as she only ever does what she's comfortable with then I will always support her. I made a strong point to her boyfriend that he needs to never pressure her but I was cut off by my daughter with her telling me that he never has.

 

To be perfectly honest, just knowing that she's not listening and taking advice from her mom makes me feel a whole lot more comfortable. I am going to come clean and let her know what I saw on her phone but that is something I want to do one on one with her.

 

At the end of the day I feel a lot more at ease now.

Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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