I'm ticked off......

[memomma]

My husband has read the divorce papers.

He had until the 16th to respond to my attorney before the sheriff served him the papers. I'm grateful he read them.

I REALLY hate to be made to feel guilty.

Just because he would have stayed in the relationship indefinitely despite the fact we were both miserable is no reason for him to wear that hang dog expression as he mopes around here trying to act as if he's been done a great injustice. It infuriates me.

I really don't like to be angry. I'm not comfortable with anger. It drains me.

I hate the way he acts like he is just a victim in circumstances in which he had no control. He knew I would divorce him if things didn't improve between us. I have told him this for years and begged him to attend counseling with me in order to save our marriage. He refused.

So here we are........I just wish he would get a freakin grip and adjust to reality.

[Sal Paradise]

I think no matter the circumstances, getting a divorce is a sad thing to go through. I don't know, I think you're making a bigger deal out of it than you should. You're getting the divorce right? So why nitpick about how he reacts to it?

 

I'm not saying you should feel guilty. You shouldn't. But really how would you of liked him to react to the divorce? Happy? Angry? Not care at all?

[scarly]

Some people deal with loss certain ways and others,...other ways. He mopes. Thats ok. It sounds like you were the one that really wanted a divorce and not so much him. So this sounds pretty standard to me. Its not your fault. But its not his either. This may be part of the reason you are getting the divorce. You two deal with things differently.

[dgiirl]

I agree with everyone else. Clearly you want the divorce, and that's ok. But there's no need to be angry at how he reacts to a divorce. If he was celebrating and jumping for joy, I think you'd still be angry. No matter how he reacted to the divorce, you'd still be angry. I know I'm angry with pretty much anything my stbxh does. Often, I need to take a few days break just to look at the situation clearly and not get angry. Dont do anything in anger. Dont say anything to him, just give yourself time to get control over your own emotions instead of making the situation worse. As hard as it is sometimes, try to put yourself in your stbxh's shoes. How would you feel if you were him? Remember, you need to remain on his good side until the papers are final and the assets are divided. Also, it will help you feel less guilty if you can know in your heart that you handled the situation the best way you could and you gave your stbxh time to grieve and allowed him to feel the emotions he needs to feel. Keep thinking of the future, and how you want to be perceived how you handled the situation. Stick to minimum contact. It's best for both of you. If you havent already, I'd recommend separating and give him a few months to grieve. I know if my stbxh didnt do that, and forced me to sign the papers right away, I would have been out for blood. It's been 4 months now, and I'm starting to feel better, I'm accepting the situation, and now I'm just ready to move on with my life. Of course we still have conflict, but most of our communication is via email, and it gives me a chance to not respond right away, take a breather, let my anger subside, and then respond with a clear head.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by dgiirl

I agree with everyone else. Clearly you want the divorce, and that's ok. But there's no need to be angry at how he reacts to a divorce. If he was celebrating and jumping for joy, I think you'd still be angry. No matter how he reacted to the divorce, you'd still be angry. I know I'm angry with pretty much anything my stbxh does. Often, I need to take a few days break just to look at the situation clearly and not get angry. Dont do anything in anger. Dont say anything to him, just give yourself time to get control over your own emotions instead of making the situation worse. As hard as it is sometimes, try to put yourself in your stbxh's shoes. How would you feel if you were him? Remember, you need to remain on his good side until the papers are final and the assets are divided. Also, it will help you feel less guilty if you can know in your heart that you handled the situation the best way you could and you gave your stbxh time to grieve and allowed him to feel the emotions he needs to feel. Keep thinking of the future, and how you want to be perceived how you handled the situation. Stick to minimum contact. It's best for both of you. If you havent already, I'd recommend separating and give him a few months to grieve. I know if my stbxh didnt do that, and forced me to sign the papers right away, I would have been out for blood. It's been 4 months now, and I'm starting to feel better, I'm accepting the situation, and now I'm just ready to move on with my life. Of course we still have conflict, but most of our communication is via email, and it gives me a chance to not respond right away, take a breather, let my anger subside, and then respond with a clear head.

 

Well said.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Well said.

 

Thanks, I'm just relating my own experience. It's what's helped me. And since my husband is the one who wanted the divorce, it's nice to hear what the other side might be feeling/experiencing.

 

My husband felt extreme guilt. He felt everyone was blaming and scolding him. Frankly, he should because of the way he handled it. And taking a serious action such as divorce, things shouldnt be easy. One should feel guilt/remorse for a time being, and if they still want the divorce, then it's the right action. After a while, I realize that it's his life, if he's not happy, then he has every right to do what he needs to do to be happy. As long as it doesnt interfere with my happiness. Being allowed to grieve, and sticking to no contact helped me gained perspective on the situation. Also, I want to look back at this time and be proud of the way I handled things.

[memomma]

I'm mad because I didn't want this divorce.

I felt I had no other choice because he refused to participate in counseling and I finally reached the point I could no longer live the way we were living.

I guess I'm frustrated with his behavior because I feel he helped make the decision to file for divorce by his avoidance of our problems. Just because I'm the one filing the papers does not mean I'm the one who is responsible for the end of the marriage.

Maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly.....I just think the two of us contributed to the failure of the marriage and I would prefer to deal with things in a way that allows for open communication.....

Whenever I try to talk to him....he cries, makes himself sick or leaves the house. How am I supposed to work things out with him when we can't even talk?

I've asked him to leave because I don't think this is a healthy environment....he refuses. I've asked to buy out his portion of the house.....he refuses. I'm sort of at loss and it is making me a bit angry to be unable to make decisions regarding my future and my children's future just because he is unable to talk. I say.....go to a therapist....learn to talk.

Write me a letter....but explain to me how you are feeling and what we are going to do. Don't just do nothing and think this will disappear.

thanks for letting me rant......

[dgiirl]

I can see how you're in a difficult situation. Seems like both our stbxh dont know how to communicate very well, and both avoid problems. Your's by not taking your requests seriously, mine by just asking for a divorce and never once giving me a clue there's a problem or trying to fix the marriage.

 

You can always give your stbxh one last ultimatum. Now that he's actually got papers in his hands, you might see a drastic change in his behaviour. Then again, that change might only last a few months, and then you'll be back at square one

 

There's not much you can do if the other person isnt willing to work with you to solve the problems. You're definitely not the only one to blame for the failure of the marriage. It takes both of you. Being angry wont solve anything. But coming here and venting is a good thing Right now, the emotions in both of you are still pretty raw. Everyone's angry and everyone's blaming the other person. Give yourselves both some time to accept the seperation before going through with the divorce. You might see him change for the better.

 

Do you have a place to go? Instead of forcing him out, maybe you can find a place to stay, especially since he's being very difficult to get out of the house? Have you gone to counselling yourself?

[New_Wife]

Bravo!

 

And this may just be my particular brand of psychosis in action, but I say good for you that you feel your anger and are honest about it. Too many folks suppres it and then kick the dog later.

 

Probably not a good choice to express it to the x2b, but I will merrily cheer you on if you want to rant here!

 

Whether you wanted the divorce, felt you needed the divorce, felt there was no other choice, or whatever - divorce sucks. pure and simple. The death of a dream is always painful no matter what part you played or didn't play in its demise.

 

So, save the dog! Rant away!

[memomma]

I am not in a position to leave the house because I work from home providing nursing care to a disabled child who lives with me. I have requested placement of this child into a long term care facility and his name is on the waiting list.

That is one of many reasons I would like to keep this house so that this child's routine will not be unneccessarily interrupted.....he could just stay here with me until an opening became available.

I don't think that is unreasonable.

Yes, I went to counseling......I could probably be a counselor if I consider all the sessions I went to alone during this marriage.......I always asked him to participate but he refused. He never admitted his behavior was inappropriate until he finally accepted the fact that I had an attorney on retainer.

Then......he changed.

Too late for this girl.

Yes....I'm all for venting just so that I can breathe. I cannot walk around angry and tense and frustrated and expect to be healthy. Not going to do it.

Thanks for listening.

[smile95]

what do you mean he read the papers and then if he did not respond, he would be served? This may be dumb, but what does that mean? I know someone brings them to him, but is that if he does not do something?

[dgiirl]

From what you've written, it seems like you've done everything you possibly could to save the marriage. No need to feel guilty, of course that's easier said then done Check with your lawyer and see what your rights are. See if there's a way you can get your husband out. Otherwise, try to limit the contact with your husband as much as possible. If he starts crying, give him his space, maybe even setup some rules where he gets the top floor and you get the bottom or something along those lines. From my own experience, after the denial and begging stage, there's anger. A LOT of anger. So it might be adviseable if you could find a temporary space just in case things get out of hand. Good luck with everything!

[memomma]

Beth.....that's what I understand the papers to say. He has until the 16th to respond to the papers by contacting my attornery. If she does not hear from him, she will request the sheriff to serve him the papers.

He did say he will call the attorney tomorrow. That is good. I will speak to her as well and find out further information in regards to having him leave the house. It's just too awkward for all of us....I still have two of my three children here at home in addition to the child I take care of.

It's hard to take care of everyone when things are so tense and stressful.

That's why I want him to leave. I want the peace.