Am I more afraid of rejection than anything else?

[WestEndGirl]

One of the cruelest things my xeap did was abruptly disappear and cut ALL contact before the holidays one year.

It wrecked xmas and left me in sheer depression and when I look back Im ashamed I LET it bring me to my knees.

 

I think that a lot of us believe that our MM/AP is incapable of that kind of behavior, especially if they were the one that came on strong and really pushed the R in the first place. Similar thing happened to me. I thought I knew this man. I told him, right from the start, that I was not going to engage if there was even a remote chance he'd throw me under the bus. He promised me, swore up and down, and I do believe that in that moment, he really did mean what he said. I do not believe that he was lying in that moment in time.

 

But these Rs are unpredictable and tricky to navigate, and once the R sees the light of day and there is actual fall-out to deal with, they back way off, really quickly, if only to "deal" with the matter and try to smooth things over.

 

I consider myself fortunate that when, as a BS, my exH was completely honest with me. He told me he had no intention of severing contact with his lover; that we had led separate lives for so long, he felt his private life was no longer any of my business. His R with his lover failed not because of me or the marriage, but because it failed on its own, for reasons completely unrelated to me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know. His behavior seems out of character. Even though affairs are a different breed of relationship, that doesn't mean that most of them end in this way.

 

Are you sure nothing has happened to him? If that's not the case, then he must be avoiding you because of your last text. If that's what he's doing and how he's going to treat you, then I wouldn't ever speak to him again if I were you. But, I would first try to find out if he's ok. Preferably without having to contact him.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I don't know. His behavior seems out of character. Even though affairs are a different breed of relationship, that doesn't mean that most of them end in this way.

 

Are you sure nothing has happened to him? If that's not the case, then he must be avoiding you because of your last text. If that's what he's doing and how he's going to treat you, then I wouldn't ever speak to him again if I were you. But, I would first try to find out if he's ok. Preferably without having to contact him.

 

He's perfectly fine. He's been tagged in pictures on Facebook that were taken this past Wednesday night at a Christmas party.

 

I guess it had to be what I said in my last email but I seriously didn't say anything that hadn't been discussed before or that we hadn't discussed that very day when I saw him. I was confused about what I was going to do so I guess he eliminated that confusion and chose for me. I just wish he had said something first, he knows I could have handled it.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I will also add that this is out of character for him. He has limited contact since dday and maybe a couple days would pass and he'd be busy with work and couldn't get to his computer but he'd always email me at some point. This time nothing.

 

Really I'm struggling with wavering back and forth with my thoughts being driven by logic vs. emotions. Logically, I know this is a good thing for me to move on...I can move on if I'm mad enough...hell, he's given me a two weeks of NC already, I can keep going. Emotionally, I get so distraught and sad because I never thought he'd treat me this way and be so callous with my feelings after coming back to me time and time again with how much he loved me and missed me. I've given him so many opportunities to disappear and not look back yet he never took them. Why now? What did I specifically say or do either when I saw him or when I wrote to him to make him just quit on me?

[Ms. Faust]

Another thing worth considering is that if he is using work email address his employer could pull those emails and frown upon it. Technically speaking, work email is for work, and should not be used for personal things. It is totally within his employer's rights to monitor his email accounts.

 

Of course anyone who has a work email address often uses it for personal things. My husband and I are terrible about it, but our emails don't go beyond "what's for dinner?" or sending me a funny cat meme. We definitely are not hashing out highly personal issues over our work emails.

[NewLeaf512]

I will also add that this is out of character for him. He has limited contact since dday and maybe a couple days would pass and he'd be busy with work and couldn't get to his computer but he'd always email me at some point. This time nothing.

 

Really I'm struggling with wavering back and forth with my thoughts being driven by logic vs. emotions. Logically, I know this is a good thing for me to move on...I can move on if I'm mad enough...hell, he's given me a two weeks of NC already, I can keep going. Emotionally, I get so distraught and sad because I never thought he'd treat me this way and be so callous with my feelings after coming back to me time and time again with how much he loved me and missed me. I've given him so many opportunities to disappear and not look back yet he never took them. Why now? What did I specifically say or do either when I saw him or when I wrote to him to make him just quit on me?

 

 

I asked myself all these questions (not exactly the same but similar) and I have no answers and never will I don't guess. Stay strong

[whichwayisup]

He's perfectly fine. He's been tagged in pictures on Facebook that were taken this past Wednesday night at a Christmas party.

 

I guess it had to be what I said in my last email but I seriously didn't say anything that hadn't been discussed before or that we hadn't discussed that very day when I saw him. I was confused about what I was going to do so I guess he eliminated that confusion and chose for me. I just wish he had said something first, he knows I could have handled it.

 

I know it hurts, but he chose to ignore and not respond. He isn't going to do or say what you expect/hope for him to do. It seems he didn't want to engage in conversations back and forth about it, so for him it was easier to ignore.

 

I will also add that this is out of character for him. He has limited contact since dday and maybe a couple days would pass and he'd be busy with work and couldn't get to his computer but he'd always email me at some point. This time nothing.

 

This means things have changed. He has a right to change his mind and walk away.

 

Really I'm struggling with wavering back and forth with my thoughts being driven by logic vs. emotions. Logically, I know this is a good thing for me to move on...I can move on if I'm mad enough...hell, he's given me a two weeks of NC already, I can keep going. Emotionally, I get so distraught and sad because I never thought he'd treat me this way and be so callous with my feelings after coming back to me time and time again with how much he loved me and missed me. I've given him so many opportunities to disappear and not look back yet he never took them. Why now? What did I specifically say or do either when I saw him or when I wrote to him to make him just quit on me?

 

Why do you think he'd treat you better than his wife? This man is selfish and he does not care about anybody but himself.

 

YOU walk away instead of asking him to walk away from you. You have the power to do this so stop throwing the ball back to him.

[Lovetoohard]

What a coward. That is all I have to say about him. I am sorry you are going through this. Even if he crawls back to you with some well crafted reason that sounds compelling, do not cave.

[bathtub-row]

I think that's a horrible way to treat someone. It is so cruel and hurtful. I know you don't believe this, but he will resurface at some point and, when he does, I hope you don't cave in and forgive this unforgivable behavior. There's no excuse for what he is doing.

[imsosad]

Not exactly the same,but I ended things very briefly with my AP and completly shut him out.i deleted him from facebook,took him off my phone contacts in a day.

I did tell him it was over,but i did so over the phone and refused to meet him.he contacted me six weeks later and i cut it off instantly.

I am very much in love with him,but the affair was too painful,my guilt towards my husband too consuming,i just knew i had to get out. I considered just going silent but felt i.owed him more.

You deserve better. It is unfair to treat you this way. Still,affairs are somewhat of an off territory,sometimes the rules dont apply.

I know youre hurting and youre angry,but my advice to you is not to contact him.he knows you deserve better.

[Lemon Drop]

My XMM did it to me too and it's been 6 months now with no word from him.

 

Yes, I did wonder if he was dead and found out he was not dead through watching him change his profile and cover pictures on FB. One day we were texting back and forth and the next day nothing.

 

I suspect he grew weary of having to keep his wife and whoever else + me happy. I also suspect he may have found someone newer and shinier than me. How could I know and how could you know? They choose not to tell us and choose this chicken **** way out.

 

All the things we'll never know (did he mean the things he told me, is this about him or about us or me, etc) we will just have to accept we won't ever know. Maybe someday he will text or call or email with an apology but that is just a way to get his foot in the door (lather, rinse repeat) and who needs more of this disrespect?

 

Just stay busy and only allow yourself a small bit of agony over it each day and soon you will begin to feel better. Some things will remain a mystery and this may be one of them. I only think of my XMM 50 times a day now and I wouldn't take him back if he vowed to worship me forever. He's married to a woman who has him over the holidays and he likes it that way, I guess.

[ShatteredLady]

It must feel terrible to just not know & be left with questions, pain & more questions & doubt. I'm sorry. No-one deserves to be treated this way.

 

 

It's taken me a long time to completely accept this, it's horrible, devastating to recognize that the man I love & respect is in truth so weak & damaged....ugh!!!

 

Think of ALL of the possible reasons for a married man to have an affair... ALL of them reveal a major character flaw!

Most are escapists, incapable of confrontation.

 

I guess as an OW the hope is mostly that they're just cowards, terrified of being alone. A 'good' man who had done everything they can to 'fix' their marriage. Using you as an escape, an 'exit affair' as they call it.

 

If a man could have the hard, honest conversations he wouldn't be having an affair in the first place!

 

Some just get caught-up in the fantasy & 'turtle', hide when the s**t hits the fan in anyway. I know my man gets overwhelmed with shame & reality. He just needs to pretend that none of it ever happened. Escapist fantasy of a different kind. It's just weak & selfish.

 

Do you agree or have I missed something?

[JessicaInGeorgia]

Just a quick update...still no word from him and it's been roughly 4 weeks.

 

I'm still a little bit in shock that he just stopped still. I contemplate contacting him every few days but have remained strong. His birthday is on Saturday and I really do want to email him but I feel like that makes me look pathetic. As stupid as it sounds, I just feel like a crappy person to not acknowledge it when he's been such an important part of my life for the past year even if he isn't speaking to me. Is there anyway to do that while still being the bigger person and not coming off as weak? Probably not but it makes me incredibly sad.

[Shadowburn]

Please don't acknowledge anything, he doesn't deserve a single word from you. What he did was cruel and disrespectful. Your being nice to him will only make his respect you even less. Please stay away.

[Starbright78]

Just a quick update...still no word from him and it's been roughly 4 weeks.

 

I'm still a little bit in shock that he just stopped still. I contemplate contacting him every few days but have remained strong. His birthday is on Saturday and I really do want to email him but I feel like that makes me look pathetic. As stupid as it sounds, I just feel like a crappy person to not acknowledge it when he's been such an important part of my life for the past year even if he isn't speaking to me. Is there anyway to do that while still being the bigger person and not coming off as weak? Probably not but it makes me incredibly sad.

 

In my opinion no. What makes you look like the bigger person is to let the day go by without a peep from you. Give me a dose of his own medicine. ((HUGS)). Things will get better, you're only 4 weeks out and still raw. Give it time and you will look back and pat yourself on the back for not reaching out.

[SoleMate]

Please don't reach out, you risk resetting your recovery clock. (It's about 8-12 weeks to get past the rawest part.) Protect the NC investment you have already made. Stay busy with friends, family, projects, neighbors, heck, even picking up cigarette butts on the side of the road with a nail on a broomstick would be better than emailing the person to whom you refer. For any reason whatsoever. Post here when you need to, hugs.

[Lurkeraspect]

I agree with the others. You owe this guy absolutely nothing. Just as his silence has spoken volumes, let yours do the same.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

Thank you all for talking some sense into me. I made it through the day and did not contact him. Now I just have to keep my head high and continue on with my life.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you all for talking some sense into me. I made it through the day and did not contact him. Now I just have to keep my head high and continue on with my life.

 

Each day will get harder and easier at times! Hang in there, you are doing fab! The fact that you made it without contacting him shows you that you can do it!

[oceansaway]

Agree...don't break contact. Either way any answers he gives you, would you believe him?? I know I wouldn't. They all lie to allow themselves to have the cake and eat it too.

 

I am at the point that I don't need answers from him....because whatever he told me, I wouldn't believe him. I am fully aware I will never know the full truth about him and his life and I'm ok with that...because I decided he is NOT worth having ME in his life anymore.

[imperfectangel]

Don't make contact. My MM disappeared for two months at the start of the year he ignored me all that time and I messaged him almost every day like the loser that I am. I found out last week he now has a third child. He hasn't told me and has no idea that I know. We are long distance but email very regularly he did this with his first two I told him not to put me in that situation again and yet he has

 

Why? Because he knows that eventually I will cave. Do not make the same mistakes I have

[JessicaInGeorgia]

It's now been seven weeks and I still can't get him out of my head. I feel like such a loser that I even think about him this much, or even at all, after how he treated me so coldly.

 

I've been invited to a concert of an artist that my best friend and I always go and see in our hometown and in a particular vacation spot. We've seen this artist in those two places probably ten times. The problem is this concert is where I met exMM last year. On one hand, I'm terrified of going this year and him also going. I do know that the friend he went with last year is for sure going. On the other hand, I don't want to alter my life and what I've been doing for years just because of him potentially being there.

 

I hate wondering if he ever even thinks of me at all. He has his own life that he has obviously gotten back to so where do thoughts of me even fit in, if at all?

[lemondrop21]

It's now been seven weeks and I still can't get him out of my head. I feel like such a loser that I even think about him this much, or even at all, after how he treated me so coldly.

 

I've been invited to a concert of an artist that my best friend and I always go and see in our hometown and in a particular vacation spot. We've seen this artist in those two places probably ten times. The problem is this concert is where I met exMM last year. On one hand, I'm terrified of going this year and him also going. I do know that the friend he went with last year is for sure going. On the other hand, I don't want to alter my life and what I've been doing for years just because of him potentially being there.

 

I hate wondering if he ever even thinks of me at all. He has his own life that he has obviously gotten back to so where do thoughts of me even fit in, if at all?

 

Tough call but I vote that you sit out the concert this year (with every intention of going next year of course). If you go, you know you'll spend every minute scanning the crowd for him and probably won't enjoy yourself all that much.

 

I know it sucks to feel like you have to alter your life to avoid MM but this is the trap we've gotten ourselves into, being in an affair. I had to skip a Christmas gathering last month at the last minute because MM's wife decided they should go. Hated giving that up as it was a great group of people but I knew it would just screw with my head.

 

As to whether he ever thinks of you, I bet he thinks of you ALL the time. Seven weeks is not long enough for him to get you out of his head, that's for sure. But due to D-Day, Lord knows what sort of monitoring he's getting, what counseling they're trying, and so on... he can't contact you right now. In the future, maybe. Hopefully by then you'll be strong enough to completely ignore. I'm cheering you on!

[NewLeaf512]

It's now been seven weeks and I still can't get him out of my head. I feel like such a loser that I even think about him this much, or even at all, after how he treated me so coldly.

 

I've been invited to a concert of an artist that my best friend and I always go and see in our hometown and in a particular vacation spot. We've seen this artist in those two places probably ten times. The problem is this concert is where I met exMM last year. On one hand, I'm terrified of going this year and him also going. I do know that the friend he went with last year is for sure going. On the other hand, I don't want to alter my life and what I've been doing for years just because of him potentially being there.

 

I hate wondering if he ever even thinks of me at all. He has his own life that he has obviously gotten back to so where do thoughts of me even fit in, if at all?

 

Don't go. He thinks about you it's a certainty, x

[Doublegold]

I would go to the concert with my friend. It's tradition. And XMM is keeping up with his own traditions with his family. Why should you sit home on the off chance he might be there with his friend? Most likely he won't be there--doubt his spouse will want him out and about at the place where he met you esp since you mentioned she knows all about you etc. After all--he should want to be home, isn't that his point?

 

Go have fun. Don't let him strip you of your own traditions with your friend.

 

Take care.