Am I more afraid of rejection than anything else?

[bathtub-row]

Love should not make you hurt like this. I'm curious, what was the gist of his email? Apparently is wasn't good but I'm wondering if he explained himself.

 

I'm kinda glad that you got to say what you wanted to say. I know it resurrected all this stuff but it was probably good. I especially loved your text about how you didn't deserve this. Very good.

 

The pain does stop. Please keep that in mind. It's a process but it will stop.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

Love should not make you hurt like this. I'm curious, what was the gist of his email? Apparently is wasn't good but I'm wondering if he explained himself.

 

I'm kinda glad that you got to say what you wanted to say. I know it resurrected all this stuff but it was probably good. I especially loved your text about how you didn't deserve this. Very good.

 

The pain does stop. Please keep that in mind. It's a process but it will stop.

 

His email basically just said that he knew I didn't deserve this. It broke his heart but he figured it was the only way. He said the last two times we saw each other I had expressed how I wish I could resist the urge to email him (which is true that I said that) so he thought he was doing what I wanted bit couldn't do. He said he thinks about me every day and hass started to write hundreds of emails to me but didn't send them. He said it kills him to know that he can't have me and that he was sorry. He thinks I'll be happier without him and he loves me.

[OWAmy]

I hope that you can use this to move on. This is why ghosting / going dark can get people stuck if there is a missing part of the puzzle. Please don't think that you are back at Day 1 and all the pain will restart. It won't - you'll find you've already done a lot of your grieving and likely are further along than you thought. For me I had weeks of jumbled thoughts and stresses and one day I woke up and thought. Wow - I am finally over this :-)

[MidnightBlue1980]

There are Waywards that submit to polygraphs. I would love to meet one of those people and ask some questions.

 

I offered to drive him to OW house. In no way am I going to monitor H. I don't want someone with me because I am policing him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Don't make contact. My MM disappeared for two months at the start of the year he ignored me all that time and I messaged him almost every day like the loser that I am. I found out last week he now has a third child. He hasn't told me and has no idea that I know. We are long distance but email very regularly he did this with his first two I told him not to put me in that situation again and yet he has

 

Why? Because he knows that eventually I will cave. Do not make the same mistakes I have

 

Don't beat yourself up. xMM did NC with me with a determination I've never witnessed from him. This is someone very weak willed. But I wasn't so good. I texted, emailed and cornered him in person. We are only human. It's okay to be human.

[MidnightBlue1980]

His email basically just said that he knew I didn't deserve this. It broke his heart but he figured it was the only way. He said the last two times we saw each other I had expressed how I wish I could resist the urge to email him (which is true that I said that) so he thought he was doing what I wanted bit couldn't do. He said he thinks about me every day and hass started to write hundreds of emails to me but didn't send them. He said it kills him to know that he can't have me and that he was sorry. He thinks I'll be happier without him and he loves me.

 

Sigh. I got something similar to this in person 2 weeks after D Day. The truth is, it really doesn't make it better. I kind of feel like it makes it worse. These guys are not in a Chinese prison here. They are actively choosing to stay with their wives. I do believe they are in pain and to be honest, as a wife, I would be horrified if my husband wrong that to the OW. If he felt that strongly, why am I here? I was mad for a while at xMM as he expressed similar things and was only staying for all the reasons you read about here. It's like this helpless, victim thing and it just makes me annoyed. Are we supposed to feel sorry for them?

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I have been doing so well since my (ex)MM emailed 12 days ago. I absolutely lost it and then pulled myself together once I realized I got the closure I needed.

 

I've thought about him less, felt the pressing need to break NC less, and in general felt better until I had a dream about him last night. I can control my daily thoughts about him by staying busy and preoccupied but I can't control my subconscious and it sucks.

[privategal]

Ive read you still process things in your sleep.

It doesn't mean a lot to dream of him really.

Even though you are busy, its always there.

In your sleep your mind is free, you aren't ordering it "don't think that, don't feel that"

Even though your in a decent spot, Id caution you or anyone that there can be some stumbling blocks, a down day out of the clear blue sky.

This is still newer to have received this closure.

Just take each moment and feeling as it passes.

Its going to be a lot less in time that you will even need to manually push it to the back of your mind, but not just yet.

It is ok to think "this sucks" and many more emotions as it is part of healing.

Many people mess up in NC because a strong urge of missing AP will appear and we can all mistake missing someone greatly (not suggesting you are missing him per se) to mean that person should still be part of our lives.

Healing is a hard and tricky thing. Your brain was just working on it to resolve it while you were at rest and that is ok. feel better.

[yodelwithyu]

Ive read you still process things in your sleep.

It doesn't mean a lot to dream of him really.

Even though you are busy, its always there.

In your sleep your mind is free, you aren't ordering it "don't think that, don't feel that"

 

This is true. I sent exMM a NC letter two days ago. I went to sleep and almost lucid dreamt ( all my surroundings were actually my surroundings) that when I woke up, there was an urgent overnight letter sitting next to my bed. How pathetic am I? Even my subconscious is pathetic.

[Poppy47]

Don't read anything into dreams.

 

Random thoughts get mixed up all together.

 

Poppy.

[among the pines]

@JessicaInGeorgia - I know what you mean. My MM went into NC mid October with the exception of a couple texts and a one line email on my birthday in November. I didn't really have any dreams until the week before Thanksgiving. I started dreaming of him frequently and the last one (they have stopped) was so vivid - it was so upsetting. I woke up and wanted to reach over and touch him lying next to me. I started bawling.

 

I discussed it with someone and she told me I needed to start getting out more and with other people. I am by nature introverted and after this happened I became somewhat of a recluse. Work was the only place I went. I did do some of that so perhaps the busier stimulation during the waking hours had something to do with it.

 

But I know EXACTLY how you feel.

[Satu]

I have been doing so well since my (ex)MM emailed 12 days ago. I absolutely lost it and then pulled myself together once I realized I got the closure I needed.

 

I've thought about him less, felt the pressing need to break NC less, and in general felt better until I had a dream about him last night. *I can control my daily thoughts about him by staying busy and preoccupied but I can't control my subconscious and it sucks.

 

 

*If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it?

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

— C. G. Jung

 

 

Freud and Jung discovered that most mental and emotional pain comes from:

 

Resistance

 

Conflict

 

and

 

Failure to adapt.

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this, is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance.

 

You try not to think about the thoughts but you do = conflict.

 

Conflict + Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard, at inconvenient times.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists.

 

 

PS:The dream was just your subconscious doing some housekeeping.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

**Update**

 

I have been coming here to read other people's posts and found it very helpful but hadn't been posting because I felt like such a hypocrite.

 

Last weekend I was in the town where exMM and I met. Feelings flooded back and I'm ashamed to admit, I caved and contacted him last Monday. It felt so good for him to say that he missed me and loved me and wanted so badly to see me(none of which I said). We went back and forth all of last week via email and when he said he loved me I point blank asked him "Do you really?" and I suggested that maybe he just loved the idea of me. All he responded was "I do." That's it...the end. No further contact.

 

Why am I so weak? Why does he respond right away and then nothing? I hate this and I hate the person I have become.

[Liam1]

**Update**

 

I have been coming here to read other people's posts and found it very helpful but hadn't been posting because I felt like such a hypocrite.

 

Last weekend I was in the town where exMM and I met. Feelings flooded back and I'm ashamed to admit, I caved and contacted him last Monday. It felt so good for him to say that he missed me and loved me and wanted so badly to see me(none of which I said). We went back and forth all of last week via email and when he said he loved me I point blank asked him "Do you really?" and I suggested that maybe he just loved the idea of me. All he responded was "I do." That's it...the end. No further contact.

 

Why am I so weak? Why does he respond right away and then nothing? I hate this and I hate the person I have become.

 

Personally, I think he may be attempting to tell you what he knows you want to hear in order to keep you calm so you don't out him to his wife.

 

Alernatively, he gets some type of perverse pleasure out of your continued breaking of NC and wants to encourage you to continue to do it by telling you what he knows you want to hear.

 

If he loved you, he would divorce his wife, and marry you.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

To anyone who is considering breaking NC with their MM/MW please, please reconsider.

 

It goes like this:

 

You make contact. They respond with how much they love you and miss you. The banter is there, just like it's always been, and you're sucked in. Just. Like. That. Then the anxiety creeps in. This is the worst part. You got that rush and that high from them saying all the right things, the things you wanted to hear. Then you crash. Hard.

 

I get a message from him...I'm elated. I send one back and watch the read receipt and then wait so see if he responds. Hours of anxiety leading up to his next response. I feel great when he's the one who's responded last and I'm the one holding out, but I'm not strong enough to hold out for long. So many questions run through my head. Is he doing the exact same thing? Holding out to give him some sense of power? I see it as rejection and a blow to my self esteem every single time.

 

There is nothing there anymore, he says there is but nothing has changed. I can feel it, yet I can't let him go. I do love him but I don't want to be with him in this way. Why do I do this to myself? I don't have the strength to walk away.

[Babsinhealing]

To anyone who is considering breaking NC with their MM/MW please, please reconsider.

 

It goes like this:

 

You make contact. They respond with how much they love you and miss you. The banter is there, just like it's always been, and you're sucked in. Just. Like. That. Then the anxiety creeps in. This is the worst part. You got that rush and that high from them saying all the right things, the things you wanted to hear. Then you crash. Hard.

 

I get a message from him...I'm elated. I send one back and watch the read receipt and then wait so see if he responds. Hours of anxiety leading up to his next response. I feel great when he's the one who's responded last and I'm the one holding out, but I'm not strong enough to hold out for long. So many questions run through my head. Is he doing the exact same thing? Holding out to give him some sense of power? I see it as rejection and a blow to my self esteem every single time.

 

There is nothing there anymore, he says there is but nothing has changed. I can feel it, yet I can't let him go. I do love him but I don't want to be with him in this way. Why do I do this to myself? I don't have the strength to walk away.

Jessicaingeorgia- you can let him go- it's just not easy to hurt so you decide that it's easier to stay. But trust me, the sooner you let go and allow yourself time to grieve and heal, the better your future will be. This is about you and what you want now- you have that power believe it or not. I ended my A and went NC after it went underground after DD- I was so unhappy- waiting, pining... like a lost puppy. So one day I woke up and said ENOUGH. It's so hard- and I miss him- but I do not miss waiting and pining for someone that sees me as second best. Stay strong and think about your happiness now.

[privategal]

Dont be ashamed you fell back.

We are not the NCpolice here.

It helps all of us to share suffering, somedays you will share the strong advice, some days you will need to be the one recieving it.

I have just started my NC all over again.

My A was over about 2 years ago...but the friendship game persisted.

Really its all bullsh#% when its done the very first time an ap leaves the other...the spell is truly broken then.

It never goes back even though it might seem like it could...it just doesn't.

Ive read some great posts in the past that something finally sticks...it finally works...none of us know the secret combination to make that "being done" finally stick but I think you have to hit rock bottom, just be so sure and disgusted.

So right now...your first step is getting out of the A fog and seeing a little more clearly.

His last emails really strung you along and hes been trying to let you down easy.

At times its best to be dropped hard as it forces you to know with your whole heart its over.

He left the door cracked which caused your heart and hope to linger.

He needed to be more firm which HURTS but then leaves no doubt.

So you have to shut it for him.

I created a new email today and closed the one he could reach me at.

I even blocked my linkedin.

Im getting serious about my recovery and the door is locked forever.

Theres no way back to me if he reaches for me now.

Join me.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I'm making a list of all the reasons I would never want to be with a man like this. Hopefully, this helps with my NC.

 

 

• He claims to care about his children and family so much yet voluntarily spends so much time away from them. He wasn't even with his family on Easter.
   
  
• He is irresponsible with money.
   
  
• His actions speak louder than words. You can't claim to love someone yet not speak to them for days and days.
   
  
• All he wants is the ego boost of me contacting him, therefore I will not give him what he wants.
   
  
• I do not want a person like this as a long term partner.
  

[Josmatjes]

I'm making a list of all the reasons I would never want to be with a man like this. Hopefully, this helps with my NC.

 

 

• He claims to care about his children and family so much yet voluntarily spends so much time away from them. He wasn't even with his family on Easter.
   
  
• He is irresponsible with money.
   
  
• His actions speak louder than words. You can't claim to love someone yet not speak to them for days and days.
   
  
• All he wants is the ego boost of me contacting him, therefore I will not give him what he wants.
   
  
• I do not want a person like this as a long term partner.
  

 

Did you write thee down? Write them down and look at them everytime you feel weak. Also write that when someone loves you they want everyone to know! Love isn't a secret! It's not meant to be... You are really doing great, I know how hard it is. You got this!!

[Josmatjes]

Another thing that you can do that I do that really brings it home for me is to ask myself a series of questions...

Can I call him to talk if I'm sad? Feeling depressed?

Can I rely on him to talk to if I need advice on something?

Will he drop everything to take care of me if I'm sick? Or come to the hospital if I've God forbid been in an accident?

If I have a burst pipe or something breaks can I call him to helpme out?

Mostly when I'm feeling lonely can he come take me on his arms and tell me it's going to be ok?

 

Sadly my answers after dday were a resounding NO! Very telling isn't it? During the affair I get he would of moved heaven and earth for me... But now I see it for what it was and it was a lovely mirage! Problem is that you get so spoiled by the things they do that its so hard to than go to a normal person cause you always thinking that this is boring or he isn't treating me special enough. But that's because most normal people aren't grooming you to take what they want..

[Adoraxx]

grooming you to take what they want..

 

Yes, that's exactly what my MM did too

[JessicaInGeorgia]

Another thing that you can do that I do that really brings it home for me is to ask myself a series of questions...

Can I call him to talk if I'm sad? Feeling depressed?

Can I rely on him to talk to if I need advice on something?

Will he drop everything to take care of me if I'm sick? Or come to the hospital if I've God forbid been in an accident?

If I have a burst pipe or something breaks can I call him to helpme out?

Mostly when I'm feeling lonely can he come take me on his arms and tell me it's going to be ok?

 

Sadly my answers after dday were a resounding NO! Very telling isn't it? During the affair I get he would of moved heaven and earth for me... But now I see it for what it was and it was a lovely mirage! Problem is that you get so spoiled by the things they do that its so hard to than go to a normal person cause you always thinking that this is boring or he isn't treating me special enough. But that's because most normal people aren't grooming you to take what they want..

 

All of those would be a no too. Thank you! He actually knew that I had an emergency doctor's appointment last week and didn't even ask what was wrong. You love me huh? Haha!

 

I actually think he's gone silent on me again, even though he said he hasn't. You know what? I don't care if he has!

[Josmatjes]

All of those would be a no too. Thank you! He actually knew that I had an emergency doctor's appointment last week and didn't even ask what was wrong. You love me huh? Haha!

 

I actually think he's gone silent on me again, even though he said he hasn't. You know what? I don't care if he has!

 

Good for you! You are the best thing he ever had and he let you go ! Hold your head up high and act like your **** don't stink! That's right! Cause he Lost you!!!

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I was talking with a friend about my situation last night and realized that I think I'm holding on so tightly because I just don't want my intuition to be wrong. Logically, I know the situation isn't right but if I can make it work then maybe I'm not really the bad guy, we were "meant to be", and all the other things I'm fooling myself into thinking.

 

I already feel terrible about the situation but maybe, just maybe, if he "picked me" the guilt would be lifted because we were the right option. God, it sickens me to even say these things. So by things ending I feel as if I've made the biggest mistake of my life and have nothing to show for it. I want SOMETHING to show for it other than emptiness and a piece of my heart being missing. A piece I shouldn't have given him...something I can never get back.

 

I'm rambling, I know. Continuing with NC. Day 4.

[Josmatjes]

I was talking with a friend about my situation last night and realized that I think I'm holding on so tightly because I just don't want my intuition to be wrong. Logically, I know the situation isn't right but if I can make it work then maybe I'm not really the bad guy, we were "meant to be", and all the other things I'm fooling myself into thinking.

 

I already feel terrible about the situation but maybe, just maybe, if he "picked me" the guilt would be lifted because we were the right option. God, it sickens me to even say these things. So by things ending I feel as if I've made the biggest mistake of my life and have nothing to show for it. I want SOMETHING to show for it other than emptiness and a piece of my heart being missing. A piece I shouldn't have given him...something I can never get back.

 

I'm rambling, I know. Continuing with NC. Day 4.

 

No it totally makes sense what your saying. If he picks you it validates your feelings and you won't feel like you were fooled into a bad decision. For the past year I was on again off again with the no contact and believe me it's worse every time it's broken. I spoke to my therapist about this and she agreed with me that if I ended up with him than some of he guilt would be lifted because we were meant to be. Because my biggest problem is forgiving myself for falling for a married man.you also start questioning your sense of people, you don't want to think that you were tricked and also there is a sense of reading whether people are honest or not and you question everything about yourself.Please don't be hurt by what I'm saying. They love us when they are with us but when the fog lifts its over.