lemondrop21 Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 I was talking with a friend about my situation last night and realized that I think I'm holding on so tightly because I just don't want my intuition to be wrong. Logically, I know the situation isn't right but if I can make it work then maybe I'm not really the bad guy, we were "meant to be", and all the other things I'm fooling myself into thinking. I already feel terrible about the situation but maybe, just maybe, if he "picked me" the guilt would be lifted because we were the right option. God, it sickens me to even say these things. So by things ending I feel as if I've made the biggest mistake of my life and have nothing to show for it. I want SOMETHING to show for it other than emptiness and a piece of my heart being missing. A piece I shouldn't have given him...something I can never get back. I'm rambling, I know. Continuing with NC. Day 4. ^^Exactly this. At this point I wouldn't even WANT him to leave his marriage for me, I'm pretty sure it would be a total disaster. But I hate that I fell for all this garbage and for a time convinced myself it might actually work out. I hate the feeling of being wrong about it all. Unfortunately this seems to be the common outcome for OWs. Sending you hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Ophelia25 Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 ^^Exactly this. At this point I wouldn't even WANT him to leave his marriage for me, I'm pretty sure it would be a total disaster. But I hate that I fell for all this garbage and for a time convinced myself it might actually work out. I hate the feeling of being wrong about it all. Unfortunately this seems to be the common outcome for OWs. Sending you hugs. Yes, the being SO VERY WRONG in so many ways is hard to deal with. It was wrong to fall for him, wrong to continue it, wrong to take chances with people's lives and families and marriages, wrong outcome, wrong everything. And yet, caught up in the moment (the many, many moments) of making each other feel good, filling in what seemed to be huge voids in our lives, commiserating, consoling, supporting, forgetting reality together, the RIGHTness of it seemed to overpower the rightness of anything else in the world. I have always been a level-headed person when it comes to romance, well, with this one big exception. I married a sensible, kind friend who has done a pretty darn good job being married to me. It's been mostly comfortable, though I feel lacking both passion and affection overall - I have a really great roommate. But, the AP, well, it's kind of like the love you see in movies and storybooks that you know never really happens to anyone, ever, in real life. And it doesn't! The fact that it's wrong is what makes it feel right...I think...right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 Yes, the being SO VERY WRONG in so many ways is hard to deal with. It was wrong to fall for him, wrong to continue it, wrong to take chances with people's lives and families and marriages, wrong outcome, wrong everything. And yet, caught up in the moment (the many, many moments) of making each other feel good, filling in what seemed to be huge voids in our lives, commiserating, consoling, supporting, forgetting reality together, the RIGHTness of it seemed to overpower the rightness of anything else in the world. I have always been a level-headed person when it comes to romance, well, with this one big exception. I married a sensible, kind friend who has done a pretty darn good job being married to me. It's been mostly comfortable, though I feel lacking both passion and affection overall - I have a really great roommate. But, the AP, well, it's kind of like the love you see in movies and storybooks that you know never really happens to anyone, ever, in real life. And it doesn't! The fact that it's wrong is what makes it feel right...I think...right? Yep... Your right.... Forbidden love... Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 The roomate though, the reliable, the kind, the dependable...even THAT most people would give anything for because along with the storybook fairytale "love" we get with our AP..it also comes with lies, manipulation, sometimes ghosting, sometimes telling us what we want/need to hear to get sex, not enough calls, emails, holidays, birthdays, fear, anxiety, guilt, insecurity. Id take the kind giving patient loyal accepting reliable roomate of a husband ANYDAY over that!!! When you look at it that way...your H already saw your morning breath, messy hair, your flaws, your weight gains/losses, pms....all the things we dont show to AP and hes still there, he still is devoted...why? He loves you...but were chasing a big question mark who lowers our self esteem and puts us last and we are a secret...hmmm...we ALL might want to reconsider our vanilla husbands. I think we got swept away, and we got it all wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 The roomate though, the reliable, the kind, the dependable...even THAT most people would give anything for because along with the storybook fairytale "love" we get with our AP..it also comes with lies, manipulation, sometimes ghosting, sometimes telling us what we want/need to hear to get sex, not enough calls, emails, holidays, birthdays, fear, anxiety, guilt, insecurity. Id take the kind giving patient loyal accepting reliable roomate of a husband ANYDAY over that!!! When you look at it that way...your H already saw your morning breath, messy hair, your flaws, your weight gains/losses, pms....all the things we dont show to AP and hes still there, he still is devoted...why? He loves you...but were chasing a big question mark who lowers our self esteem and puts us last and we are a secret...hmmm...we ALL might want to reconsider our vanilla husbands. I think we got swept away, and we got it all wrong. Wow! Well said!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessicaInGeorgia Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Posting in here because I have the overwhelming urge to break contact and just tell him "Shame on me for thinking it would be different. F*** you!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Posting in here because I have the overwhelming urge to break contact and just tell him "Shame on me for thinking it would be different. F*** you!" Good for you!!! Stay strong and remember that you are better than him and he knows it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I was talking with a friend about my situation last night and realized that I think I'm holding on so tightly because I just don't want my intuition to be wrong. Logically, I know the situation isn't right but if I can make it work then maybe I'm not really the bad guy, we were "meant to be", and all the other things I'm fooling myself into thinking. I already feel terrible about the situation but maybe, just maybe, if he "picked me" the guilt would be lifted because we were the right option. God, it sickens me to even say these things. So by things ending I feel as if I've made the biggest mistake of my life and have nothing to show for it. I want SOMETHING to show for it other than emptiness and a piece of my heart being missing. A piece I shouldn't have given him...something I can never get back. I'm rambling, I know. Continuing with NC. Day 4. 2 Thumbs up for this post!! I think lots of ow will agree with this particular post. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 The roomate though, the reliable, the kind, the dependable...even THAT most people would give anything for because along with the storybook fairytale "love" we get with our AP..it also comes with lies, manipulation, sometimes ghosting, sometimes telling us what we want/need to hear to get sex, not enough calls, emails, holidays, birthdays, fear, anxiety, guilt, insecurity. Id take the kind giving patient loyal accepting reliable roomate of a husband ANYDAY over that!!! When you look at it that way...your H already saw your morning breath, messy hair, your flaws, your weight gains/losses, pms....all the things we dont show to AP and hes still there, he still is devoted...why? He loves you...but were chasing a big question mark who lowers our self esteem and puts us last and we are a secret...hmmm...we ALL might want to reconsider our vanilla husbands. I think we got swept away, and we got it all wrong. LOVE THIS!! I am going to read and re-read it again and again. Just perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 LOVE THIS!! I am going to read and re-read it again and again. Just perfect! I love when my husband makes me coffee and puts a fresh pillow case on, and reaches to hold my hand. Its the vanilla kind of love that really lasts. I lost sight of this when passion was at its height with eap. As if my husbands validation wasnt enough. The right, reliable daily love is WAY better. I think when we suddenly feel sexually desired, wanted, swept away...its so easy to feel that is true love...but life and marriage arent the movies...its navigating hard real life with your best friend...he doesnt hide you, he takes youe calls and texts you and takes you to dinner and vacation, he makes sure the house and bills are in order with you...he chooses you everyday. He isnt perfect...but he is YOURS!! Why would I have ever wanted surface, secret, temporary love that HURT... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted April 3, 2016 Share Posted April 3, 2016 I love when my husband makes me coffee and puts a fresh pillow case on, and reaches to hold my hand. Its the vanilla kind of love that really lasts. I lost sight of this when passion was at its height with eap. As if my husbands validation wasnt enough. The right, reliable daily love is WAY better. I think when we suddenly feel sexually desired, wanted, swept away...its so easy to feel that is true love...but life and marriage arent the movies...its navigating hard real life with your best friend...he doesnt hide you, he takes youe calls and texts you and takes you to dinner and vacation, he makes sure the house and bills are in order with you...he chooses you everyday. He isnt perfect...but he is YOURS!! Why would I have ever wanted surface, secret, temporary love that HURT... My h is there for me everyday. He compliments me and tells me all the time that I look nice. He desires me physically. He works hard to provide a good life for me and the kids. No, it isn't like the movies - it's not starry eyed lovers running towards each other to embrace under a bridge! It's real life, day in and day out. Seeing you at your worst as well as your best. Helping you when you are sick, listening to your day and being your eternal support. Why I almost threw that all away for some illicit, secretive, toxic love/lust it's hard to understand and reconcile in your mind. It's an escape from REAL life except it's not real. It ends and people get hurt. Thanks Privategal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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