Am I more afraid of rejection than anything else?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have a different point of view. You know, it's just not okay for someone to completely disappear on me like I was just nothing, like some piece of garbage, like I did not matter at all. Now it' slightly different as I have weekly contact in person with him and for the first few weeks after he went NC, I did everything you all said, I ignored him like he ignored me. But you know, I did not feel better. So I cornered him last week and said, "I refuse to be treated like this. You can not just ignore me in public. You know me X number of years. I am not some stranger. I would like to know what happened and why you are not speaking to me." He cowered like the weasel he is and mumbled about his wife knowing (I did know this) and how he needed to fix things at home and he was being watched constantly, how his life was hell, how upset he was, blah blah blah (all about him, him, him). So I said, okay, I had ended our A (as he would not leave his wife) but I still so love you, just so you know, but that's okay, you do not have to be my friend but you will treat me with respect and not open hostility. And he mumbled okay.

 

So while I do NOT suggest texting and emailing, if you have an opportunity, I say, why NOT stand up for yourself. Why let these man-children just get away with it, boo hoo hoo - I mean look, I went through weeks of hell and he clearly was only concerned with himself. It does not mean I don't hurt, it does not mean I don't love him. It means I am an adult and I will have my say, no one is going to treat me like a POS and just have me say nothing.

 

And you know, I feel better today from it. Its all about feeling empowered and strong. Maybe the next time MM decides to tell some poor woman he luves her, he will think of me and think, um, maybe not.

[imperfectangel]

I have a different point of view. You know, it's just not okay for someone to completely disappear on me like I was just nothing, like some piece of garbage, like I did not matter at all. Now it' slightly different as I have weekly contact in person with him and for the first few weeks after he went NC, I did everything you all said, I ignored him like he ignored me. But you know, I did not feel better. So I cornered him last week and said, "I refuse to be treated like this. You can not just ignore me in public. You know me X number of years. I am not some stranger. I would like to know what happened and why you are not speaking to me." He cowered like the weasel he is and mumbled about his wife knowing (I did know this) and how he needed to fix things at home and he was being watched constantly, how his life was hell, how upset he was, blah blah blah (all about him, him, him). So I said, okay, I had ended our A (as he would not leave his wife) but I still so love you, just so you know, but that's okay, you do not have to be my friend but you will treat me with respect and not open hostility. And he mumbled okay.

 

So while I do NOT suggest texting and emailing, if you have an opportunity, I say, why NOT stand up for yourself. Why let these man-children just get away with it, boo hoo hoo - I mean look, I went through weeks of hell and he clearly was only concerned with himself. It does not mean I don't hurt, it does not mean I don't love him. It means I am an adult and I will have my say, no one is going to treat me like a POS and just have me say nothing.

 

And you know, I feel better today from it. Its all about feeling empowered and strong. Maybe the next time MM decides to tell some poor woman he luves her, he will think of me and think, um, maybe not.

 

 

This is amazing

[Shadowburn]

I have a different point of view. You know, it's just not okay for someone to completely disappear on me like I was just nothing, like some piece of garbage, like I did not matter at all. Now it' slightly different as I have weekly contact in person with him and for the first few weeks after he went NC, I did everything you all said, I ignored him like he ignored me. But you know, I did not feel better. So I cornered him last week and said, "I refuse to be treated like this. You can not just ignore me in public. You know me X number of years. I am not some stranger. I would like to know what happened and why you are not speaking to me." He cowered like the weasel he is and mumbled about his wife knowing (I did know this) and how he needed to fix things at home and he was being watched constantly, how his life was hell, how upset he was, blah blah blah (all about him, him, him). So I said, okay, I had ended our A (as he would not leave his wife) but I still so love you, just so you know, but that's okay, you do not have to be my friend but you will treat me with respect and not open hostility. And he mumbled okay.

 

So while I do NOT suggest texting and emailing, if you have an opportunity, I say, why NOT stand up for yourself. Why let these man-children just get away with it, boo hoo hoo - I mean look, I went through weeks of hell and he clearly was only concerned with himself. It does not mean I don't hurt, it does not mean I don't love him. It means I am an adult and I will have my say, no one is going to treat me like a POS and just have me say nothing.

 

And you know, I feel better today from it. Its all about feeling empowered and strong. Maybe the next time MM decides to tell some poor woman he luves her, he will think of me and think, um, maybe not.

 

Not to rain on empowerment parade, but what's the game plan here if he continues to ignore you? You can't expect much of respect from cowardly mm caught having an affair. In my opinion, some things are better left well alone.

[privategal]

It's now been seven weeks and I still can't get him out of my head. I feel like such a loser that I even think about him this much, or even at all, after how he treated me so coldly.

 

I've been invited to a concert of an artist that my best friend and I always go and see in our hometown and in a particular vacation spot. We've seen this artist in those two places probably ten times. The problem is this concert is where I met exMM last year. On one hand, I'm terrified of going this year and him also going. I do know that the friend he went with last year is for sure going. On the other hand, I don't want to alter my life and what I've been doing for years just because of him potentially being there.

 

I hate wondering if he ever even thinks of me at all. He has his own life that he has obviously gotten back to so where do thoughts of me even fit in, if at all?

 

 

Jessica,

If you see him or don't see him it is more analyzing you have to do and will keep you hung up. If he doesn't go you will think, he could've come and knew Id be there but he didn't. If he goes you have to ask, why didn't he talk, say more. why did he ignore me and MANY more questions, do you really need that now?

Many women on this board would kill to be this far into no contact. You are going to be ok if you get past this time. Healing takes WAY longer when they ghost you because you never got to hear a goodbye or explanation or closure but you've come this far. you are doing so well. Missing one concert wont kill you. Its not altering your life it is taking your healing and well being seriously.

[Adoraxx]

As to whether he ever thinks of you, I bet he thinks of you ALL the time. Seven weeks is not long enough for him to get you out of his head, that's for sure.

 

So you do think that the xMM thinks of the OW even though he has gone disappearing? I always feel like I'm no longer on his mind anymore at all and it hurts so much... Eleven weeks of NC today.....

[Poppy47]

So you do think that the xMM thinks of the OW even though he has gone disappearing? I always feel like I'm no longer on his mind anymore at all and it hurts so much... Eleven weeks of NC today.....

 

I don't believe they forget, ever. Like every memory it fades with time. It depends how long the relationship was and how deep I suppose.

POppy.

[Adoraxx]

I don't believe they forget, ever. Like every memory it fades with time. It depends how long the relationship was and how deep I suppose.

POppy.

 

Almost 8 years... But with many 'breaks' in between :/

[MJJean]

I had an off and on affair with a man for a little over 6 years. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him. Attracted to, absolutely. Loved him as a friend and fellow human being, sure. But in love? No.

 

Without a D-day, I "ghosted" on him. More than once over those years. Why? Simply because I was done with him for the time being and concentrating on other things that needed to get done in my life or my kids or the next OM.

 

Because he was an AP and not a conventional relationship partner, as far as I was concerned, I didn't owe him anything. Including any kind of explanation for my decision to go NC.

 

Do I still think about him? Sometimes. As much as I think of other people I knew during that time of my life.

 

Last spring, he got in touch with me via FB. Apparently, he spent 2 years getting in touch with people from my past and with family members trying to find me. It wasn't easy for him because I'd long since left my exH and remarried. So, my name changed. My eldest daughter was the one who finally gave him my new last name.

 

I told my DH he'd contacted me and DH said it was ok if I talked to him, so I replied.

 

He'd been diabetic since childhood and recently had a heart attack. He'd just found out that he'd be having open heart surgery as soon as his kidneys could handle the anesthesia. He was hospitalized and he'd started having problems with his eyesight. Turned out, he also needed work on his arteries and they were hoping the sight issues would be resolved with better blood flow. The docs decided to do the heart surgery, wait 6 weeks, and then do the artery surgery, since the location of the blockage was in his neck. The docs didn't want to do the surgeries at the same time because it would be too complicated and they weren't comfortable keeping him under that long.

 

Clearly, this was something very serious and he could die. So, when he asked me to come visit him at the hospital, I went. We were friends for 2 years before we started the affair and I wanted to go see him one last time to honor that friendship and the relief from a pretty cruddy marriage he gave me.

 

It had been nearly 13 years since I'd last seen him. It was awkward and familiar at the same time. I didn't feel anything but the sympathy any old friend would feel for someone in his shape.

 

We talked on the phone and on FB, mostly about people we both knew or medical concerns, while he was hospitalized and a little after he was released and pronounced fit-ish. I heard he and his wife moved down to her family in another state and I hope he's doing well, but we don't talk anymore. Nothing to say, really.

 

Well, there it is. The perspective of a MW who went NC with no d-day.

[LimeBlue]

Eight years since I let the true love of my life go, out of sheer fear and being controlled. Either years of absolutely zero contact. I still love him, I always will. I still wish I was a stronger person back then because then I would have had the balls to stand up for what I wanted and changed my life to achieve it. Instead I allowed myself to be bullied into convincing myself that he was not what I wanted and I have regretted it ever since. I was in IC for months and months over him, and my therapist convinced me at the time that he was no good for me etc. Yet still I pine for him, he has moved on, but I will also wish I had taken the leap.

 

Then enter MM just over a year ago, and by this stage I am a stronger person so I was ready to take the leap because I fell for MM deeply. I believed we were meant to be. Only to have him chuck it back at me and back peddle.

 

I am giving up on ever finding happiness with a partner.

 

I am having a bad day today.

[imperfectangel]

Me too like blue. It's amazing what an effect one person can have on your life. I hope you feel better soon. Have you tried exercise? It can really boost your mood ?

[privategal]

I had an off and on affair with a man for a little over 6 years. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him. Attracted to, absolutely. Loved him as a friend and fellow human being, sure. But in love? No.

 

Without a D-day, I "ghosted" on him. More than once over those years. Why? Simply because I was done with him for the time being and concentrating on other things that needed to get done in my life or my kids or the next OM.

 

Because he was an AP and not a conventional relationship partner, as far as I was concerned, I didn't owe him anything. Including any kind of explanation for my decision to go NC.

 

Do I still think about him? Sometimes. As much as I think of other people I knew during that time of my life.

 

Last spring, he got in touch with me via FB. Apparently, he spent 2 years getting in touch with people from my past and with family members trying to find me. It wasn't easy for him because I'd long since left my exH and remarried. So, my name changed. My eldest daughter was the one who finally gave him my new last name.

 

I told my DH he'd contacted me and DH said it was ok if I talked to him, so I replied.

 

He'd been diabetic since childhood and recently had a heart attack. He'd just found out that he'd be having open heart surgery as soon as his kidneys could handle the anesthesia. He was hospitalized and he'd started having problems with his eyesight. Turned out, he also needed work on his arteries and they were hoping the sight issues would be resolved with better blood flow. The docs decided to do the heart surgery, wait 6 weeks, and then do the artery surgery, since the location of the blockage was in his neck. The docs didn't want to do the surgeries at the same time because it would be too complicated and they weren't comfortable keeping him under that long.

 

Clearly, this was something very serious and he could die. So, when he asked me to come visit him at the hospital, I went. We were friends for 2 years before we started the affair and I wanted to go see him one last time to honor that friendship and the relief from a pretty cruddy marriage he gave me.

 

It had been nearly 13 years since I'd last seen him. It was awkward and familiar at the same time. I didn't feel anything but the sympathy any old friend would feel for someone in his shape.

 

We talked on the phone and on FB, mostly about people we both knew or medical concerns, while he was hospitalized and a little after he was released and pronounced fit-ish. I heard he and his wife moved down to her family in another state and I hope he's doing well, but we don't talk anymore. Nothing to say, really.

 

Well, there it is. The perspective of a MW who went NC with no d-day.

 

Thanks for your perspective which in my opinion is completely cold and insensitive. Anyone who ghosts is abusing another and is a horrible person due to that unnecessary callous treatment. No reason to be this careless. Its not about owing any one anything. Its about decency and a short breif note for someone's closure. Maybe to educate yourself you may care to read up on what this does to another. Though from your frank chilling description of it, sounds like you don't care.

[NewLeaf512]

Jessica,

If you see him or don't see him it is more analyzing you have to do and will keep you hung up. If he doesn't go you will think, he could've come and knew Id be there but he didn't. If he goes you have to ask, why didn't he talk, say more. why did he ignore me and MANY more questions, do you really need that now?

Many women on this board would kill to be this far into no contact. You are going to be ok if you get past this time. Healing takes WAY longer when they ghost you because you never got to hear a goodbye or explanation or closure but you've come this far. you are doing so well. Missing one concert wont kill you. Its not altering your life it is taking your healing and well being seriously.

 

Privategal this exactly. You've seen this band before. Is it a mechanism to maybe run into him?

 

I've never received a goodbye or even a piss off.

 

Please forgo the concert. You will be much better for it.

[Forceawakensme]

Privategal this exactly. You've seen this band before. Is it a mechanism to maybe run into him?

 

I've never received a goodbye or even a piss off.

 

Please forgo the concert. You will be much better for it.

 

 

Its the analyzing thats a killer.

 

Newleaf, you are incredibly strong to get through this without a 'goodbye or a piss off'. Cant even imagine what you've been through as i did get the goodbye and im still driving myself crazy with constant why's and what ifs. I guess the silverlining for you is you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your MM is a POS

[NewLeaf512]

Its the analyzing thats a killer.

 

Newleaf, you are incredibly strong to get through this without a 'goodbye or a piss off'. Cant even imagine what you've been through as i did get the goodbye and im still driving myself crazy with constant why's and what ifs. I guess the silverlining for you is you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your MM is a POS

 

That's exactly right. The simple fact for any of us is that if they had wanted to be with us they would, surmounting any challenge to do so.

 

They don't want to.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm not sure if this was mentioned earlier in this thread, but how is ghosting an affair partner cruel, but devaluing ones spouse and family a fun, sexy option?

 

Also, I never insisted my husband ghost his m/cow - I told him he was free to go. In his case, he was disgusted with her and with himself and never wanted to speak to her or see her again. She reminded him of what horrible decisions he'd made and how hurtful he had been and since he didn't afford me the privilege of telling me he was stepping out, he didn't afford her a reason for cutting her out completely. She did continue to reach out until she found another mm, which had been her pattern prior to meeting my Wh. That was after she left obvious clues around which my kids had the joy of reading. I've come to accept that a woman who didn't care that she was risking her job, her family's financial security, or care for what her 4 kids were doing while she followed my wh around, was not going to care about me. Just as my wh never gave her bh and kids, or me and his kids, a thought while he was buying condoms and checking motel rates. A moral lightbulb is not going to illuminate after all that crap. My wh is not surprised at all by how she behaved afterwards since she entered the affair with gusto.

 

Why do people suddenly seemed shocked that a lying self serving cheater is acting like a cad? I guess when his lies and nasty behaviour don't affect you (I'm not specifically addressing the op) negatively, you give him a pass, but when you get hurt, you're suddenly incredulous. Please, let's not get on a high horse about what cheaters morally owe each other. If you knowingly were with a married man, you made a choice to knowingly hurt another human being. Maybe if you were married as well, you knowingly were destroying another person or people in search of your own pleasure. Just because you never gave the other bs a thought doesn't mean you're innocent. Nor does it mean you're deserved any more than you gave, which was lies. Maybe it's hard to accept that this is perhaps exactly what's deserved, that these are the negative painful consequences to a series of bad decisions.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not sure if this was mentioned earlier in this thread, but how is ghosting an affair partner cruel, but devaluing ones spouse and family a fun, sexy option?

 

Also, I never insisted my husband ghost his m/cow - I told him he was free to go. In his case, he was disgusted with her and with himself and never wanted to speak to her or see her again. She reminded him of what horrible decisions he'd made and how hurtful he had been and since he didn't afford me the privilege of telling me he was stepping out, he didn't afford her a reason for cutting her out completely. She did continue to reach out until she found another mm, which had been her pattern prior to meeting my Wh. That was after she left obvious clues around which my kids had the joy of reading. I've come to accept that a woman who didn't care that she was risking her job, her family's financial security, or care for what her 4 kids were doing while she followed my wh around, was not going to care about me. Just as my wh never gave her bh and kids, or me and his kids, a thought while he was buying condoms and checking motel rates. A moral lightbulb is not going to illuminate after all that crap. My wh is not surprised at all by how she behaved afterwards since she entered the affair with gusto.

 

Why do people suddenly seemed shocked that a lying self serving cheater is acting like a cad? I guess when his lies and nasty behaviour don't affect you (I'm not specifically addressing the op) negatively, you give him a pass, but when you get hurt, you're suddenly incredulous. Please, let's not get on a high horse about what cheaters morally owe each other. If you knowingly were with a married man, you made a choice to knowingly hurt another human being. Maybe if you were married as well, you knowingly were destroying another person or people in search of your own pleasure. Just because you never gave the other bs a thought doesn't mean you're innocent. Nor does it mean you're deserved any more than you gave, which was lies. Maybe it's hard to accept that this is perhaps exactly what's deserved, that these are the negative painful consequences to a series of bad decisions.

 

Not all of us were in the "knowingly" group.

 

It's not a comparison to whom is hurt worse I don't think?

 

MWM this is for OW/OM support for folks in pain. A discussion on the above might be better served in another thread?

[gettingstronger]

I insisted my husband end it, in person to close the door shut-he said he wanted to work on our marriage- I feel like:

 

1 its the right thing to do

2 made him look face to face to be sure that is what he wanted to do

3 cut the crazy

 

Our OW refused, saying she did not want to drama, but here it is 3 years later and she still intrudes- I do believe that had they met, it would have provided the closure she needed- looking someone in the eye is important in my mind-I am a BS but I am human and I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me- I felt like seeing each other was the best way for my husband to make the decision he wanted to stick with-

 

FTR- he did not want to meet with her, he wanted just to text "its done"- that seems like such a cop out to me-

[Cymbeline]

'Thanks for your perspective which in my opinion is completely cold and insensitive. Anyone who ghosts is abusing another and is a horrible person due to that unnecessary callous treatment. No reason to be this careless. Its not about owing any one anything. Its about decency and a short breif note for someone's closure. Maybe to educate yourself you may care to read up on what this does to another. Though from your frank chilling description of it, sounds like you don't care.'

 

 

MyWH ended it in person and I feel very sorry for anyone caught up and in pain. However, the paragraph above is rather lacking in self awareness, given the anguish visited on entire families by an OWS involvement, if indeed you knew he was married when you engaged with him. If you know you are a secret, you know his marriage is still current.

 

I am sure you have all read enough to 'educate yourself' about what this does to children and their mothers.

[Midwestmissy]

New leaf, this isn't a pain comparison, it's a statement that expecting high morals, values and compassion for other humans from people who gave no evidence of it in their actions at all, is an exercise in futility. I believed my wh's words, I'm pretty sure his mow did too, as my wh and her bh believed her words. ("I'm working late again!") When everyone is deceiving for self serving purposes during the affair, why are they going to be anything other than self serving after it ends? It shouldn't be too shocking.

 

My wh told me one thing and did another because it benefitted him, he had a dirty secret on the side and no change in his at-home benefits. Dumping the mow and begging for his marriage also benefitted him because he couldn't bear the thought of losing the at-home perks. Character is character. His didn't change during or right after the affair. He was a loser the whole time.

 

There's also the factor of compartmentalizing - I was never top of mind when he was with her, he made the affair the priority. Once he declared the marriage the priority, the affair partner disappeared to him. That could also be construed as ghosting in some cases. I know I was invisible to him during his affair.

[NewLeaf512]

New leaf, this isn't a pain comparison, it's a statement that expecting high morals, values and compassion for other humans from people who gave no evidence of it in their actions at all, is an exercise in futility. I believed my wh's words, I'm pretty sure his mow did too, as my wh and her bh believed her words. ("I'm working late again!") When everyone is deceiving for self serving purposes during the affair, why are they going to be anything other than self serving after it ends? It shouldn't be too shocking.

 

My wh told me one thing and did another because it benefitted him, he had a dirty secret on the side and no change in his at-home benefits. Dumping the mow and begging for his marriage also benefitted him because he couldn't bear the thought of losing the at-home perks. Character is character. His didn't change during or right after the affair. He was a loser the whole time.

 

There's also the factor of compartmentalizing - I was never top of mind when he was with her, he made the affair the priority. Once he declared the marriage the priority, the affair partner disappeared to him. That could also be construed as ghosting in some cases. I know I was invisible to him during his affair.

 

Hi MWM

 

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure a simple goodbye or piss off is really a moral high ground. You'll get no debate from me that you were treated appallingly, but I'm not sure that makes ghosting something that should be expected.

[Midwestmissy]

I guess it's the same common courtesy as telling ones spouse "I'm considering having an affair. Thought you should know so you can make an informed decision about your life health & marriage." It all falls under conflict avoidance and being an entitled brat. You cannot expect them to do right by you when they've been so self serving and acting like an out of control bus with no regard for whatever gets run down.

 

I also didn't get as poor a situation as a lot of betrayed folks do. Mainly, I don't have to have my kids sleep under the same roof as the ow, nor do I have to see my kids less than I do now. Those things alone are an insane gift compared to financial ruin, stds, other children, bunny boiling, etc. I'm just dealing with the hand I got, some days it's laughable and fine some days it knocks me down emotionally.

[MJJean]

Thanks for your perspective which in my opinion is completely cold and insensitive. Anyone who ghosts is abusing another and is a horrible person due to that unnecessary callous treatment. No reason to be this careless. Its not about owing any one anything. Its about decency and a short breif note for someone's closure. Maybe to educate yourself you may care to read up on what this does to another. Though from your frank chilling description of it, sounds like you don't care.

 

Was it cold and insensitive? Yes. Does that bother me? Very little.

 

He was an adult man with adequate real life experience, and adequate personal experience with me, to know exactly what he was getting into. I never, not once, in any way, indicated we were more than FWB/AP's. I refuse to be responsible for his hurt feelings. He made his choice and lived with the consequence just like everyone else does.

 

And, really, the guy was having a long term, off and on, affair with his oldest and closest friends wife. Before and after the marriage. It's not like he was some innocent.

 

As far as "closure", I don't believe one can get that from anyone other than themselves. If he wanted closure, all he had to do was think about it for a minute. As in, "The married woman I was spending time with and screwing isn't contacting me or responding to my attempts to contact her. Perhaps the affair has run it's course and it's time to move on." The End. Closure.

 

Of course I cared about him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered spending time with him outside of sex. It's just that he didn't quite accept his place in my life and was letting his emotional attachment override his logic and common sense.

 

So, I let silence explain it to him.

Edited January 21, 2016 by MJJean

[NewLeaf512]

I guess it's the same common courtesy as telling ones spouse "I'm considering having an affair. Thought you should know so you can make an informed decision about your life health & marriage." It all falls under conflict avoidance and being an entitled brat. You cannot expect them to do right by you when they've been so self serving and acting like an out of control bus with no regard for whatever gets run down.

 

I also didn't get as poor a situation as a lot of betrayed folks do. Mainly, I don't have to have my kids sleep under the same roof as the ow, nor do I have to see my kids less than I do now. Those things alone are an insane gift compared to financial ruin, stds, other children, bunny boiling, etc. I'm just dealing with the hand I got, some days it's laughable and fine some days it knocks me down emotionally.

 

I love that bus analogy and I'm going to steal it.

[MJJean]

I guess it's the same common courtesy as telling ones spouse "I'm considering having an affair. Thought you should know so you can make an informed decision about your life health & marriage." It all falls under conflict avoidance and being an entitled brat. You cannot expect them to do right by you when they've been so self serving and acting like an out of control bus with no regard for whatever gets run down.

 

I may have to cop to entitled brat, but certainly not conflict avoidance. And I definitely didn't act like an out of control bus.

 

My situation is a bit different than some folks. I married a casual sex partner because I got pregnant and decided to "do the right thing". I did not love my ex at any point. He claims to have loved me, but who knows?

 

Anyways, I am not fond of lying. Something about every lie you tell eroding your soul. So, I didn't lie outright or by omission and conceal my affairs. My exH was well aware of my activities and free to stay or go as he pleased.

 

I never lied to my AP's, either. They knew exactly where they stood with me by word and deed. If a few got run down by the tires of my bus, it's because they stood in the road despite the honking and flashing lights.

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I am miserable.

 

Long story short...I was on a call with someone and set my phone down once it was over and inadvertantly called him. 100% accident that was my fault since I still had his number. He called back, I didn't answer and once I figured out what happened I texted because I was terrified of his wife seeing my number on his phone. I just apologized for my mistake and he responded. His response pissed me off so I told him I would delete his number so it wouldn't happen again. Then I said. "You know...I didn't deserve what happened."

 

Half an hour later I got an email from him. It's made it all worse. I'm back at day 1 because I responded with every thing that I had wanted to say. My email was a final goodbye, without explicitly saying it. I felt really good until today. I had to make the same long distance drive to a family event that the two of us made the first weekend we spent together. My thoughts are constantly on him.

 

I want this hell to be over. Tonight I broke down for the first time since our dday, absolutely bawled my eyes out from the pain. I don't want this anymore.