My ex is heavily manipulating my child, should he know?

[moonwalker86]

It's gotten to an extreme and I seriously don't like the road it's heading on. My ex has been heavily brainwashing my child into "loving" her new man, it's quite sick, she hasn't been with him very long but already has him sleeping over and trying to play dad and my child is innocently going along with it because she's feeding him a bunch of crap. Would it be beneficial to tell my child how he's being manipulated? I'm afraid she is setting him up and making him very vulnerable to this new man.

[CarrieT]

Would it be beneficial to tell my child how he's being manipulated?

Absolutely not.

 

Children do not understand this concept at all.

 

You would be just as guilty of manipulating the child if you did so....

[moonwalker86]

Absolutely not.

Children do not understand this concept at all.

You would be just as guilty of manipulating the child if you did so....

 

What do you suppose happen? I continue letting her do it? Until when?

[minimariah]

address the problem with the ex and try to talk to her about it and get your child into counseling.

[preraph]

So you'd prefer your child hated the new man in his mom's life? Sounds like jealousy to me. And not jealous about the kid but the ex.

[GorillaTheater]

What do you suppose happen? I continue letting her do it? Until when?

 

If there's anybody on earth well-equipped to see through the bullsh*t, sooner or later, it's a kid. Let them figure out for themselves. They will, eventually.

 

In the meantime, be the best dad you can be.

[moonwalker86]

So you'd prefer your child hated the new man in his mom's life? Sounds like jealousy to me. And not jealous about the kid but the ex.

 

He was in the picture before we separated and she's still with him after I found out, regardless of that, it didn't even really bother me as much until she started pushing him hyperspeed onto my child.

[moonwalker86]

address the problem with the ex and try to talk to her about it and get your child into counseling.

 

I have addressed it but she doesn't care, he is actually going to be seeing someone in the coming weeks.

[moonwalker86]

If there's anybody on earth well-equipped to see through the bullsh*t, sooner or later, it's a kid. Let them figure out for themselves. They will, eventually.

 

In the meantime, be the best dad you can be.

 

I hope he does because unfortunately she's exploiting his young age innocence at the moment. I have a great relationship with my child, we're as close as can be and share time with him 50/50.

[turnera]

How long have you been separated/divorced?

[moonwalker86]

How long have you been separated/divorced?

 

We have only been officially divorced since this month, separated for about 4 months, and we only told our son about the divorce close to 2 months ago.

[turnera]

Then I would tell your son that, now that you two are divorced, moms and dads may try out new people, just like when they were dating before they got married. That that's what people do, it's how they try on people to see if they are a good fit. So tell him to look at mom's new 'date' as just that - someone she's trying on to see if he's a good fit for her. Tell him that the man has nothing to do with him, that he will always have his own mom and dad, and that some day his mom may decide this guy is worth keeping, but not to worry about it right now. Let him hear some logic coming from at least one of his parents. But no matter what, DO NOT put any emotion into this discussion. Make it just like any other 'lesson' you'd be teaching him. He looks to you to see how he's supposed to feel about things, so if he sees you being steadfast and unconcerned, he won't be either.

[moonwalker86]

Then I would tell your son that, now that you two are divorced, moms and dads may try out new people, just like when they were dating before they got married. That that's what people do, it's how they try on people to see if they are a good fit. So tell him to look at mom's new 'date' as just that - someone she's trying on to see if he's a good fit for her. Tell him that the man has nothing to do with him, that he will always have his own mom and dad, and that some day his mom may decide this guy is worth keeping, but not to worry about it right now. Let him hear some logic coming from at least one of his parents. But no matter what, DO NOT put any emotion into this discussion. Make it just like any other 'lesson' you'd be teaching him. He looks to you to see how he's supposed to feel about things, so if he sees you being steadfast and unconcerned, he won't be either.

 

That's very sound advice. She's gone from 0 to 100 though. She's already talked about some serious commitments with the new man and has discussed to some extent certain things with my child. So she's really trying to sell this person onto him. It bothers me that she is putting so much onto our young child so fast.

[turnera]

That's exactly why you have to be the voice of reason. Mommies and daddies, when they get divorced, are going to try new people to see what's a good fit. Don't get too invested in whoever mommy is seeing because they're just seeing if they're a good fit for each other.

 

Kids depend on you to be a voice of reason.

[moonwalker86]

That's exactly why you have to be the voice of reason. Mommies and daddies, when they get divorced, are going to try new people to see what's a good fit. Don't get too invested in whoever mommy is seeing because they're just seeing if they're a good fit for each other.

 

Kids depend on you to be a voice of reason.

 

I understand you completely. I have always been the voice of reason between the two of us to be honest, but the thing is she is already prepping him for a sibling, so that thing about seeing if it's a fit, it's already a fit in her mind and she's making sure it's a fit in our child's mind as well, regardless of the emotional toll it could take on him.

[MJJean]

I understand you completely. I have always been the voice of reason between the two of us to be honest, but the thing is she is already prepping him for a sibling, so that thing about seeing if it's a fit, it's already a fit in her mind and she's making sure it's a fit in our child's mind as well, regardless of the emotional toll it could take on him.

 

What posible emotional toll are you concerned about? If you're concerned your son will be upset if the relationship doesn't work out, just think of it as life training. The reality is, most people we know in our lives aren't permanent fixtures. Heck, every school year alone kids get attached to their teachers and classmates only to have new teachers and different classmates next year. Not to mention the rotational cast of family,friends, and neighbors who come and go.

 

If your exW and her new partner are serious and are planning to build a life and family to the point of considering having a baby, your exW is right to want her partner and her existing child to have a decent relationship. And she's right to prepare your shared child for the possibility of a new sibling. Would you rather she just sprung it on the boy with no preparation?

[Cherryz]

How old is your kid and how long do your ex know this man?

 

If this is truth and not just you being jalousie or hating on her new lover,

(since you not giving many samples of her being manipulative)

 

then i would even say she look like a worthless mother.

 

Because she suppose to protect her kid and bringing new man that she wont get to know not even in 10 years good enough she shouldn't have this man around

all over the place and also ask her kid to call him dad.

 

And if this man was a decent one he would have address her also about her needy desperate bs behavior rigth away!

Also because he not want to be set up for bs and so quick.

If he all happy with it, or he is a sick man, or he is there just to play with your ex so let her do what she wants as long as he can get his needs.

 

Make a apoitment with your ex. And have a serious conversation with her!

NOT TO FIGTH! BUT TO TALK! and keep calm but adress your concerns clear

to her.

And if she stop or no, at all times make sure you have and build a nice relationship with your kid. Let your kid know that you are his father and he can come to you at all times with anything. And let him feel safe and be safe with you.

Kids are not stupid. They will grow up and once they realize the bs parents gonna have a big price to pay.

 

Work on the type of relationship were your kid can open up to you easily come to you. He needs that!

And since this guy is around your kid. Maybe at some point you can have a conversation with him also. BUt dont go fighting, you may make it worse for your kid. also . Just let it be a serious conversation and coming from a place of a worried father. Be clear and firm.

 

And control what you can control. And that is being the best dad you can for your son. Spent time with him and so on. Once they grow up they will realize exactly who was being a parent and who ddnt.

Your biggest power is in building this strong bound with your kid.

based on truth and respect.

[moonwalker86]

What posible emotional toll are you concerned about? If you're concerned your son will be upset if the relationship doesn't work out, just think of it as life training. The reality is, most people we know in our lives aren't permanent fixtures. Heck, every school year alone kids get attached to their teachers and classmates only to have new teachers and different classmates next year. Not to mention the rotational cast of family,friends, and neighbors who come and go.

 

If your exW and her new partner are serious and are planning to build a life and family to the point of considering having a baby, your exW is right to want her partner and her existing child to have a decent relationship. And she's right to prepare your shared child for the possibility of a new sibling. Would you rather she just sprung it on the boy with no preparation?

 

Well there are some details that are too detailed to discuss but no not only the emotional toll. It's misguiding him about life, she threw all caution to the wind with this one. Don't you think trying to force a new man onto your child at lightspeed leaves the child vulnerable? In terms of their safety as well, you don't know if this person is an abuser or anything like that. They are in a long distance relationship, they don't even live anywhere close to eachother yet they are planning all of this and it all happened within a matter of months.

It's not about him having a good relationship with his mothers new found love, I wouldn't want him to have a bad relationship with anyone. There is no jealousy as far as that goes, it's a matter of morals and what she is pushing onto him. It's one thing to prep your child for a sibling, it's another to make them believe it's their own wish to have a sibling and then come out and say guess what, you're going to have a sibling. Which is what she is doing. She is making it out to seem like our child asked for a sibling, when she's been brainwashing them.

[moonwalker86]

How old is your kid and how long do your ex know this man?

 

If this is truth and not just you being jalousie or hating on her new lover,

(since you not giving many samples of her being manipulative)

 

then i would even say she look like a worthless mother.

 

Because she suppose to protect her kid and bringing new man that she wont get to know not even in 10 years good enough she shouldn't have this man around

all over the place and also ask her kid to call him dad.

 

And if this man was a decent one he would have address her also about her needy desperate bs behavior rigth away!

Also because he not want to be set up for bs and so quick.

If he all happy with it, or he is a sick man, or he is there just to play with your ex so let her do what she wants as long as he can get his needs.

 

Make a apoitment with your ex. And have a serious conversation with her!

NOT TO FIGTH! BUT TO TALK! and keep calm but adress your concerns clear

to her.

And if she stop or no, at all times make sure you have and build a nice relationship with your kid. Let your kid know that you are his father and he can come to you at all times with anything. And let him feel safe and be safe with you.

Kids are not stupid. They will grow up and once they realize the bs parents gonna have a big price to pay.

 

Work on the type of relationship were your kid can open up to you easily come to you. He needs that!

And since this guy is around your kid. Maybe at some point you can have a conversation with him also. BUt dont go fighting, you may make it worse for your kid. also . Just let it be a serious conversation and coming from a place of a worried father. Be clear and firm.

 

And control what you can control. And that is being the best dad you can for your son. Spent time with him and so on. Once they grow up they will realize exactly who was being a parent and who ddnt.

Your biggest power is in building this strong bound with your kid.

based on truth and respect.

 

She has only known the man for a few months, our child is going to be 7 soon. About her being manipulative, she will tell me that our child does things or talks about certain things but then he has told me himself that she asked him to do it.

 

She made our child say "I love you" to this person after he only knew him for 1 month, my child doesn't act that way, he wouldn't do something like that by himself, I know him too well, he only says I love you when people say it to him first, and she acted like it was HIS idea to say it to the man.

 

I agree with your advice, I can only be the best father I can possibly be.

 

He even acts different around her than with me, he never cries with me or gets angry, but he does with her. I think that it's affecting him emotionally but he won't admit it. But he is going to see a counselor soon so hopefully he can let out the way he feels.

 

I always tell him he can talk to me about anything and I won't get mad at him for it. It's just his personality to keep things like his feelings to himself.

 

The man she is with I don't know what he wants, I think he believes everything she tells him, so he's ok with everything. I will try to bring up to her to stop manipulating our child, to let him make up his own mind and to allow him to create relationships at his own pace, because she wants everything to be the way she wants really really fast.

[moonwalker86]

I don't think I will tell my son anything but I think she needs to understand she can't be doing what she has been doing.

[turnera]

Well there are some details that are too detailed to discuss but no not only the emotional toll. It's misguiding him about life, she threw all caution to the wind with this one. Don't you think trying to force a new man onto your child at lightspeed leaves the child vulnerable?

No, I don't.

 

Not if his REAL father is there all along, every step of the way, giving him guidance and opinions and options.

 

As long as YOU are not freaking out about his mom's boyfriends, HE won't freak out about them.

[turnera]

I don't think I will tell my son anything but I think she needs to understand she can't be doing what she has been doing.

 

Who died and made you God?

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with you Moonwalker86, her behaviour sucks.

 

However, you can only "Dad" you can't "Mom" as well, that's her job no matter how shoddily she does it.

 

I saw an ex-friend dump her husband and take up with his brother, leave her two kids behind. Then get them again when she discovered that she had to *gasp* pay child support. Her relationship with the brother ended when she decided to shack up with his friend instead. Then she got thrown out of his place after six months of mooching and took up with THAT GUY'S best friend.

 

So from "Daddy" to "Uncle" to "Uncle's Friend" to "Uncle's Friend's Best Friend" all in About nine months. All with an impressionable five year-old watching (and a three year-old).

 

Total disaster. However as much as I don't like the kid's father (bad temper, not too bright) I do respect that he stayed stable and involved with the kids. In fact, when she took off with New Guy #? To another province, he moved right by to continue to be Dad to his kids, despite it meaning train-wreck Ex Has a lot of control in his life.

 

The new relationship your ex is in will probably fail. She's rushing it and trying to lock it down too soon.

 

It's damn sad to see your son won't be given stability from two parents, but as long as he has one parent he can turn to when he is confused, sad or angry that can make all of the difference in the world.

 

My daughter benefitted immensely during my husband's alcohol relapse by being able to talk with me about being scared or sad that her Dad was gone for that period of time (until he attended and completed treatment).

 

It was a hard lesson to learn that I could only "Mom" and that I could talk until I was blue in the face about how his behaviour affected her. It wouldn't change a thing. He's an "adult." He will do what he wants to, smart or stupid.

 

Sometimes kids just need to know what someone being there for them looks like

 

My father as well was an alcoholic. My mother was in denial about this though, and very defensive of him. I refused to play that game with my own daughter. I only grew to resent my mother for her trying to pretend that nothing was wrong and that my Dad was just "stressed" or "his feet hurt."

 

The truth was: alcohol was his #2, and he has a very big issue. To this day. He's also diabetic and looks like he's about to lose a toe because of it.

 

My mother just defending him and not trying at all to empathize with my confusion only served to show me that love and relationships where confusing, frustrating and that you make excuses for people you love.

 

So, when presented with my daughter's confusion I was VERY CLEAR: "when some people drink alcohol, it confuses their brain and makes them think they are okay and that everyone should understand them. Even if their behaviour isn't okay. This is why we take care of our nrains, because things like alcohol cause brains to get very confused. And now Daddy has to figure out his brain is confused and how to stop it. No one else can do that for him. I will always be here for you and always be here to talk and listen when you feel sad or upset about it."

 

Idk if that helps at all, it did in my house. And frankly, my husband was pissed that I wouldn't cover for him and say that "he was working" or some other such garbage. I told him point-blank I would never cover for him and not to test me on that. My Mom covered for my Dad and it sucked.

 

In your case, you don't say to the kid "Mom's manipulating you." That just makes it about her being an awful person or parent. You make it about differing views or something

Like, "I get that's its very confusing having someone new come into your life like this. It might feel very quick and that's okay. I am going to be here and be your Dad always."

 

Watching Inside Out really helped my daughter integrate how she was feeling about things too.

 

Now that her father is back and sober, she has no issue being very clear about what she expects from him and his that time period made her feel. Luckily my husband has enough sense and EQ to validate and empathize with all of her feelings. And to ask her questions About it.

[MJJean]

Well there are some details that are too detailed to discuss but no not only the emotional toll. It's misguiding him about life, she threw all caution to the wind with this one. Don't you think trying to force a new man onto your child at lightspeed leaves the child vulnerable? In terms of their safety as well, you don't know if this person is an abuser or anything like that. They are in a long distance relationship, they don't even live anywhere close to eachother yet they are planning all of this and it all happened within a matter of months.

It's not about him having a good relationship with his mothers new found love, I wouldn't want him to have a bad relationship with anyone. There is no jealousy as far as that goes, it's a matter of morals and what she is pushing onto him. It's one thing to prep your child for a sibling, it's another to make them believe it's their own wish to have a sibling and then come out and say guess what, you're going to have a sibling. Which is what she is doing. She is making it out to seem like our child asked for a sibling, when she's been brainwashing them.

 

Parents have the right to guide their children as they see fit, yes? She has that right. You have that right. Her morals differ from yours and that is something you'll need to sort out because conflict will just confuse and upset your shared child.

 

Trying to look at it as objectively as possible, she's by far not the first parent trying to bond her child to her new partner. Nor is she the first parent who wants another child to convince the existing child that having a sibling is a great idea and something to be desired.

 

I don't think I will tell my son anything but I think she needs to understand she can't be doing what she has been doing.

 

But that's the thing. Yes, she can.

 

As far as how he behaves with you and how he behaves with Mom, that's actually pretty normal. Kids tend to do what they can get away with. It's not uncommon for a child to be more emotional and whiny around one parent and a bit more stoic and better behaved around the other. Especially if they know being whiny around one means possibly/probably getting something they want and being whiny around the other will likely not have the same results.

 

Also, keep a look out for manipulation from your son. Children of divorced parents learn real fast how to play the one against the other for their own benefit. I know you don't want to think your baby could manipulate you and other adults like a pro, but kids often can and will surprise you when it comes to level of manipulative sophistication.

[moonwalker86]

No, I don't.

 

Not if his REAL father is there all along, every step of the way, giving him guidance and opinions and options.

 

As long as YOU are not freaking out about his mom's boyfriends, HE won't freak out about them.

 

I don't show any ill feelings about it in front of my child. It's irresponsible parenting to me to make your child say I love you to someone they've only known for a few weeks. And I stated that she is making him say things and do things and denying that she's the one behind it. That makes her a liar and a deceptive person.