My ex is heavily manipulating my child, should he know?

[moonwalker86]

Who died and made you God?

 

That's a little exaggerated.

[moonwalker86]

I agree with you Moonwalker86, her behaviour sucks.

 

However, you can only "Dad" you can't "Mom" as well, that's her job no matter how shoddily she does it.

 

I saw an ex-friend dump her husband and take up with his brother, leave her two kids behind. Then get them again when she discovered that she had to *gasp* pay child support. Her relationship with the brother ended when she decided to shack up with his friend instead. Then she got thrown out of his place after six months of mooching and took up with THAT GUY'S best friend.

 

So from "Daddy" to "Uncle" to "Uncle's Friend" to "Uncle's Friend's Best Friend" all in About nine months. All with an impressionable five year-old watching (and a three year-old).

 

Total disaster. However as much as I don't like the kid's father (bad temper, not too bright) I do respect that he stayed stable and involved with the kids. In fact, when she took off with New Guy #? To another province, he moved right by to continue to be Dad to his kids, despite it meaning train-wreck Ex Has a lot of control in his life.

 

The new relationship your ex is in will probably fail. She's rushing it and trying to lock it down too soon.

 

It's damn sad to see your son won't be given stability from two parents, but as long as he has one parent he can turn to when he is confused, sad or angry that can make all of the difference in the world.

 

My daughter benefitted immensely during my husband's alcohol relapse by being able to talk with me about being scared or sad that her Dad was gone for that period of time (until he attended and completed treatment).

 

It was a hard lesson to learn that I could only "Mom" and that I could talk until I was blue in the face about how his behaviour affected her. It wouldn't change a thing. He's an "adult." He will do what he wants to, smart or stupid.

 

Sometimes kids just need to know what someone being there for them looks like

 

My father as well was an alcoholic. My mother was in denial about this though, and very defensive of him. I refused to play that game with my own daughter. I only grew to resent my mother for her trying to pretend that nothing was wrong and that my Dad was just "stressed" or "his feet hurt."

 

The truth was: alcohol was his #2, and he has a very big issue. To this day. He's also diabetic and looks like he's about to lose a toe because of it.

 

My mother just defending him and not trying at all to empathize with my confusion only served to show me that love and relationships where confusing, frustrating and that you make excuses for people you love.

 

So, when presented with my daughter's confusion I was VERY CLEAR: "when some people drink alcohol, it confuses their brain and makes them think they are okay and that everyone should understand them. Even if their behaviour isn't okay. This is why we take care of our nrains, because things like alcohol cause brains to get very confused. And now Daddy has to figure out his brain is confused and how to stop it. No one else can do that for him. I will always be here for you and always be here to talk and listen when you feel sad or upset about it."

 

Idk if that helps at all, it did in my house. And frankly, my husband was pissed that I wouldn't cover for him and say that "he was working" or some other such garbage. I told him point-blank I would never cover for him and not to test me on that. My Mom covered for my Dad and it sucked.

 

In your case, you don't say to the kid "Mom's manipulating you." That just makes it about her being an awful person or parent. You make it about differing views or something

Like, "I get that's its very confusing having someone new come into your life like this. It might feel very quick and that's okay. I am going to be here and be your Dad always."

 

Watching Inside Out really helped my daughter integrate how she was feeling about things too.

 

Now that her father is back and sober, she has no issue being very clear about what she expects from him and his that time period made her feel. Luckily my husband has enough sense and EQ to validate and empathize with all of her feelings. And to ask her questions About it.

 

Thank you. That's an awful situation, truly crazy. My ex doesn't have any alcohol problems, neither do I, but she does have some psychological issues present. I never considered telling him anything like she's lying to you or anything like that. It was more like, you can decide what you want in your life kind of thing. She's impulsive by nature, so she's known to make quick decisions without thinking of any kind of consequence. To me it doesn't matter if she's with the guy for 10 years or 10 months, I just don't like seeing my son being manipulated and lying to me about it. All I care about is my child's well-being. So I will always be there for them emotionally.

[moonwalker86]

Parents have the right to guide their children as they see fit, yes? She has that right. You have that right. Her morals differ from yours and that is something you'll need to sort out because conflict will just confuse and upset your shared child.

 

Trying to look at it as objectively as possible, she's by far not the first parent trying to bond her child to her new partner. Nor is she the first parent who wants another child to convince the existing child that having a sibling is a great idea and something to be desired.

 

But that's the thing. Yes, she can.

 

As far as how he behaves with you and how he behaves with Mom, that's actually pretty normal. Kids tend to do what they can get away with. It's not uncommon for a child to be more emotional and whiny around one parent and a bit more stoic and better behaved around the other. Especially if they know being whiny around one means possibly/probably getting something they want and being whiny around the other will likely not have the same results.

 

Also, keep a look out for manipulation from your son. Children of divorced parents learn real fast how to play the one against the other for their own benefit. I know you don't want to think your baby could manipulate you and other adults like a pro, but kids often can and will surprise you when it comes to level of manipulative sophistication.

 

We don't argue in front of our child, I make it very clear that anything that's not child appropriate needs to be discussed in private. I don't have an issue with her telling her son that a sibling could be fun or whatever, it's the way she's going about it, it's very deceptive. Kids are definitely always manipulative when it comes to certain things they don't want to do, or things they want and such. He's been pretty consistent as far as that goes up to this point.

She also does something that I asked her not to do which is pry on our child. She questions him a lot, what did you talk about with your dad kind of prying. I never ask him what he talks about with his mom.

[CarrieT]

That's a little exaggerated.

 

The point is, you will get NO WHERE trying to tell your Ex what "she needs to understand she can't be doing what she has been doing."

 

It will completely back-fire on you and would likely make her do exactly what you do not what her to do.

 

Leave it alone. She will do what she is going to do.

[moonwalker86]

The point is, you will get NO WHERE trying to tell your Ex what "she needs to understand she can't be doing what she has been doing."

 

It will completely back-fire on you and would likely make her do exactly what you do not what her to do.

 

Leave it alone. She will do what she is going to do.

 

Well I don't disagree.

[CarrieT]

Well I don't disagree.

 

Please, by all means try it and report back how it went. I would love to be wrong...

[moonwalker86]

Please, by all means try it and report back how it went. I would love to be wrong...

 

Hmm I think you misunderstood me. I don't disagree meaning I don't disagree with what you were saying.

[Cherryz]

She has only known the man for a few months, our child is going to be 7 soon. About her being manipulative, she will tell me that our child does things or talks about certain things but then he has told me himself that she asked him to do it.

 

She made our child say "I love you" to this person after he only knew him for 1 month, my child doesn't act that way, he wouldn't do something like that by himself, I know him too well, he only says I love you when people say it to him first, and she acted like it was HIS idea to say it to the man.

 

I agree with your advice, I can only be the best father I can possibly be.

 

He even acts different around her than with me, he never cries with me or gets angry, but he does with her. I think that it's affecting him emotionally but he won't admit it. But he is going to see a counselor soon so hopefully he can let out the way he feels.

 

I always tell him he can talk to me about anything and I won't get mad at him for it. It's just his personality to keep things like his feelings to himself.

 

The man she is with I don't know what he wants, I think he believes everything she tells him, so he's ok with everything. I will try to bring up to her to stop manipulating our child, to let him make up his own mind and to allow him to create relationships at his own pace, because she wants everything to be the way she wants really really fast.

 

 

If he see he is getting affected by it, take action.

Because at the end kids cant make choices themselves and leave the situation. Its your and your ex job to protect your kids,

IF she is not doing it, you need to do it.

 

For sure address this situation to her and how you see your kid affected by it also.

And since this guy is around your kid, have a conversation with him also.

Dont sit back. But always use your mind also dont just go by emotions.

And look for the best interest for your kid.

 

What your ex is doing is really putting your kid in danger. If this guy is a molester or someone crazy, he could hurt your son easily .

Because your ex seem so stupid, and blind and forcing things in a direction that is not realistic and healthy.

You cant force a kid to trust love and accept someone.

 

It is emotional abuse!

 

And also its known that kids of divorced parents often carry this guilt and hurt and feel like its their fault. Or dont want to put more stress on their parents.

Many things gos on inside them.

Specially introvert kids. Which your son seems like introvert.

So its important for you to be communicative with him , ask him often whats up , how he feel and so on.

That he look happy always or never say something doesnt mean hes not worried inside or sad.

 

Always keep the communication open also with your ex.

Address things right away. and always look for what is best for your kid.

And that sometimes mean to put your own anger and stuff aside.

Also dont keep everything inside yourself. Have your network of close family and few good friends that support you and help you. And share with them how you feel.

 

And counseling is a very good idea. I think you can tell the consular also for advice and tell her what is going on and how to deal with it the best way.

 

Ps: Compliments for the amazing father that you are. The fact that you involved with your kid, and seek advice for the better and to make things better for him is beautiful and that is what a father should do.

All the best.

[moonwalker86]

If he see he is getting affected by it, take action.

Because at the end kids cant make choices themselves and leave the situation. Its your and your ex job to protect your kids,

IF she is not doing it, you need to do it.

 

For sure address this situation to her and how you see your kid affected by it also.

And since this guy is around your kid, have a conversation with him also.

Dont sit back. But always use your mind also dont just go by emotions.

And look for the best interest for your kid.

 

What your ex is doing is really putting your kid in danger. If this guy is a molester or someone crazy, he could hurt your son easily .

Because your ex seem so stupid, and blind and forcing things in a direction that is not realistic and healthy.

You cant force a kid to trust love and accept someone.

 

It is emotional abuse!

 

And also its known that kids of divorced parents often carry this guilt and hurt and feel like its their fault. Or dont want to put more stress on their parents.

Many things gos on inside them.

Specially introvert kids. Which your son seems like introvert.

So its important for you to be communicative with him , ask him often whats up , how he feel and so on.

That he look happy always or never say something doesnt mean hes not worried inside or sad.

 

Always keep the communication open also with your ex.

Address things right away. and always look for what is best for your kid.

And that sometimes mean to put your own anger and stuff aside.

Also dont keep everything inside yourself. Have your network of close family and few good friends that support you and help you. And share with them how you feel.

 

And counseling is a very good idea. I think you can tell the consular also for advice and tell her what is going on and how to deal with it the best way.

 

Ps: Compliments for the amazing father that you are. The fact that you involved with your kid, and seek advice for the better and to make things better for him is beautiful and that is what a father should do.

All the best.

 

 

Thank you very much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I will remain calm in the situations I'm faced with and do what's best for my son. I will also talk to the man in a peaceful way when we do meet eventually and just make sure he knows that I'm always looking out for my child's safety and well-being and nothing more. I will probably go to walk-in counseling for myself in the future to just get things off my chest, I do have a really great friend I talk with often and it helps very much!

I will always be there for my child no matter what! Thank you very much for your wonderful compliment and your good advice. I will always make sure that my emotions never get in the way of what's good for me and my child.