My 15 year old cousin going out with an 18!!!!!

[Illusion24]

Let me start by saying that my cousin, we'll call her "P", and I are the only girls in the family. We're 9 years apart and she looks up to me tremendously. I've always been the "mother figure" in her life and I literally raised her and her brother. I have a great relationship with my aunt but she's been on her own for over 10 years now and well my uncle is a basket case who takes medication for depression.

 

So here's the problem...

 

My aunt moved to a different county and was forced to put her in an all African American school. Now, let me first say I have nothing against African American's but my family does. We're the typical Hispanic family that doesn't really understand interracial relationships. My cousin P has decided to go out with an African American male who is 18 years old. My first thought was kill him...Not because he was black, that's the least of my worries, it's that he's 18!!!!!

 

What does an 18 year old want with a 15 year old!!!!! I know, I know...the same thing my 18 year old bf when I was 15 wanted...To get a VIRGIN!!!! The other night she sneaked out of her window to go see him in the community park at 11:30 at night...

 

Her brother caught her and all hell broke lose. She even had two of her bf friends watching out if anyone was coming. I can't believe my little girl that I raised so differently is growing up to be this way. I always told her she can count on me. As soon as I found out I grabbed my stuff and went to go pick her up. She had punched her brother in the face because he wouldn't shut up about her new bf.

 

When I picked her up I didn't say a word for about 5 min. She was taking a s***!! I looked at her and I just started going off on her. I asked her if she had slept with him and guess what....SHE DID!!

 

Now my real problem is should I tell my aunt what's going on??? She's a minor but I'm not her mother. I have a lot of problems of my own to now go through this. But I have to do something about it...I can't let her continue to see this guy, I can't!! Especially if she started having sex with him...I still cant' believe it. I know the more you tell her NO, NO the more she wants to do it. I need to say something but I don't want her to lose her trust in me.

 

Please help...I don't have kids of my own and I have no idea where to start with this !! Should I take matters into my own hands or tell her parents??? Something needs to be done, my mom at that age boy was she strict...My aunt is way to passive and really doesn't ask to many questions. If it wasn't for me telling my cousin P that he had to go meet my aunt she would have never taken him to meet her.

 

??????????? Any advice would really mean a lot to me

[EC]

[Illusion24]

Originally posted by EC

 

I know

[simon22]

I think something needs to be done before she gets pregnant. Even tho, it will damage your relationship with her, I'd go ahead and tell her mother. I think you should also try to sit down with her and tell her your feeling. It is probably true, the only thing the guy wants is sex from her. She is 15 and prob gullible to everything he tells her. Do what is best for her and if it hurts your relationship, then at least you can feel you did the right thing. I'm dealing with my own personal demons at the moments and know its easier to give advice than actually do it, but that is my 2cents worth.

[Illusion24]

Originally posted by simon22

I think something needs to be done before she gets pregnant. Even tho, it will damage your relationship with her, I'd go ahead and tell her mother. I think you should also try to sit down with her and tell her your feeling. It is probably true, the only thing the guy wants is sex from her. She is 15 and prob gullible to everything he tells her. Do what is best for her and if it hurts your relationship, then at least you can feel you did the right thing. I'm dealing with my own personal demons at the moments and know its easier to give advice than actually do it, but that is my 2cents worth.

 

I'm the only one in the family she talks to. So I was thinking of telling my aunt about the whole sex thing and telling her not say anything that I told her because then NO ONE will know what's going on..Not even me...So I want to tell my aunt to tell her that since she sneaked out the window she doesn't trust her and wants her to get checked out.

 

That way my butt is clear and my cousin doesn't think I went behind her back. I don't want to wait to long because it's not only pregnancy I'm worried about it's STD's

[orta]

I don't think an 18 year-old has any business hanging around a 15 year-old girl. You are right to worry.

 

Your cousin told you that she slept with this guy, and you told your cousin that she can always count on you. Always being able to count on someone means accepting that that person is going to do things for your own good, things you might not agree with.

 

I think you have an obligation to tell this girl's mother what happened. Your cousin might become furious with you for a while, but you really would be doing the best thing in this situation. Place her well-being before how well you two might be able to get along after this situation is over.

 

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

I'm the only one in the family she talks to. So I was thinking of telling my aunt about the whole sex thing and telling her not say anything that I told her because then NO ONE will know what's going on..Not even me...So I want to tell my aunt to tell her that since she sneaked out the window she doesn't trust her and wants her to get checked out.

 

That way my butt is clear and my cousin doesn't think I went behind her back. I don't want to wait to long because it's not only pregnancy I'm worried about it's STD's

 

You need to tell her aunt about everything, not just that her daughter snuck out the window. If her aunt finds out that she has been having sex and sneaking out of the house, I'm sure something will be done to rectify the situation. Depending on what the laws are where your cousin lives, your aunt might be able to file a restraining order in the name of her daughter, keeping this guy away.

 

If you don't tell what happened, your cousin is probably going to keep doing it, and may start to do even more foolish things.

[Illusion24]

My aunt already knows she snuck out of the window...Her brother caught her and told on her. My aunt punished her but not hard enough.

 

She does can't go to the movies this weekend. Big deal!!! I would have taken away her cell phone and put some type of locks on her window. She even stayed out till 1 in the morning the other night...WTF is she doing out at that time??

 

I live 2 blocks from her and last night I snuck around my aunts neighborhood to see if I caught her but she was home in bed. I bring her to work with me everyday now since I found out...I'm not leaving her home alone anymore...I took this into my own hands...My aunt I think is in denial.

[scarly]

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

 

 

She was taking a s***!!

 

 

 

lol...........uh....

[Illusion24]

What are you about Scarly??

[scarly]

she was taking a **** ???

[scarly]

I was confused

 

 

 

anyway,...sometimes its hard to play mother or guardian. We always want to be the friend instead of lay down the disipline. Its hard. I think if you HAVE to sacrifice the way she thinks of you,..then you should. Besides,..later on when she matures, she will see it was the right thing.

[Illusion24]

Well...yeah...I gave it to her and the reason I didn't slap her accross the face for doing what she did was because I'm not her mother. But I feel I have a responsiblity now and I have no clue what to do.

 

She's scared of me right now because she knows if I want to...It will be the end of her relationship with this guy. All I could do was scream then I calmed down and I thought about what I went through when I was 15....But my mom was worse then a swat team...My aunt is just to passive.

 

My cousin respects me a lot...The way I was talking to her wasn't the way I usually do...She was crying so much but I didn't care...I kept on...I wanted to back hand her one in the face of how angry I was but I held myself...For her sake

[scarly]

I know. Its so hard for them to understand. It seems like this guy is the "end all, be all" of her world. She isnt aware that this is SOOOO puppy love or just a crush. Oh well. We were like that too. Is this guy nice atleast? Can you talk to him and try and make him understand?

[Illusion24]

I asked her to call me when he went over the other day to meet him too...But she didn't. Her bf was freaking out because she told him I know about them having sex. So what I think is that he told her not to call me over...He knows come on he's 18!!

 

I'm going to meet him hopefully today or tomorrow..But what do I say??? I'm not her mother. My aunt said he seems like a nice guy, but that's not enought...Nice doesn't cut if for me.

 

My own mother, which is my aunts sister, is like "helloooooo do something"!! But like I said, my aunt is in denial

[Illusion24]

What am I suppose to tell this guy???

[sarah12]

You know that they're going to keep having sex no matter what you say. She'll use the 'you're not my mother' line on you. So the best thing you can do -- especially knowing that they are scared of you -- is to let him know that a) you have NO respect for what he is doing to your cousin b) he should be the responsible one at his age and c) if ANYTHING happens to your cousin, if she even sheds a TEAR over him, you will be ON HIS ASS with her brother and his friends. Use profanity as necessary. Do not smile, do not be nice.

[westernxer]

Tell him to get laid somewhere else.

 

(Too bad babies have to grow up)

[Illusion24]

Originally posted by sarah12

You know that they're going to keep having sex no matter what you say. She'll use the 'you're not my mother' line on you. So the best thing you can do -- especially knowing that they are scared of you -- is to let him know that a) you have NO respect for what he is doing to your cousin b) he should be the responsible one at his age and c) if ANYTHING happens to your cousin, if she even sheds a TEAR over him, you will be ON HIS ASS with her brother and his friends. Use profanity as necessary. Do not smile, do not be nice.

 

You know it's funny you mentioned the whole "You're not my mother" thing because about 4 months ago I got into a huge argument with her because I was punishing her and taking her phone away, well being a mother I guess. I chased her down the street and around the block. When I caught up to her I grabbed her by the hair running after her and dragged her inside and right when I was about to beat her...my aunt comes in and takes me off of her.

 

I'm not going to move or say anything the first couple of minutes he's in the room. I'm just going to observe both of their behavior. Then I will speak my mind to him and I will tell him, I will not hesitate to call the cops and put a restraining order on him.

 

This is making me sick...I hate to do this to my cousin but I love her and want the best for her...She has no idea what this guy is up too...As a matter of fact it's getting to difficult for him to see her now that I've gotten involved and their arguing a lot...He got what he wanted anyway...

[sarah12]

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

I'm not going to move or say anything the first couple of minutes he's in the room. I'm just going to observe both of their behavior. Then I will speak my mind to him and I will tell him, I will not hesitate to call the cops and put a restraining order on him.

 

OK just to let you know, they are going to be on their best behaviour when you are around. You have got to speak your mind to him, he doesn't know any better. He thinks he can do what he wants and has your cousin wrapped around his little finger. You've got to stay strong and not worry about your cousin hating you for this. She'll have your respect later when he breaks her heart.

 

Why are you meeting him anyways? Why is your aunt not involved? I don't understand that part. She thinks it's OK?

[Illusion24]

Why are you meeting him anyways? Why is your aunt not involved? I don't understand that part. She thinks it's OK?

 

It's not that she doesn't care or thinks it's ok my aunt is just a very liberal person and does not like to get involved into her kids life. But like I told my mom...she's ONLY 15, she's not like her brother, a guy and 19...Plus this isn't a friend situation or I have a crush on a boy, or can I go to the movies issues...It's about a minor with an 18 year old...HELLOOOO!!

 

I'm going to meet him either today or some time this weekend...My aunt is under a lot of stress, she's behind on her bills, her credit is messed up she's doing really bad and is trying to keep a company open...But I don't understand how she doesn't worry about her...Or maybe she does and doesn't like to talk about it. My aunts never had financial problems in her life..She use to run a bank for goodness sake but lately she's just stressed about the money situation...

 

Oh and my uncle doesn't live here...He lives in Orlando and wants me to handle things...He's a nut case but I love him...

 

My aunt is a very private person but gosh...

[Guest123]

Ok lets look at it from her point of view..

 

Obviously she thought he was important enough to give her virginity to him. She gave it up to him. It was HERS not YOURS to give away.

What age did you give away your virginity?

 

I honestly don't understand why you are acting like her mother in the first place? Your not her mother nor her grandmother not even her aunt. Your her cousin. She may take your opinions but you have no right to go around interrupting her life or beating her?

 

How would you feel if at 18 you had met this wonderful guy (regardless of race ) and had chosen to give your virginity to him and your cousin all of a sudden got in the way saying she was going to call the cops and put a restraining order against your bf?

 

I know you are doing it for her best interest but you have to remember that number one:

 

She's not YOU. You cannot correct the mistakes of your past through her.

 

Number two..she is 15 and she has to live out her mistakes and her life so that she can learn from it. The more you get into her life and try to take him out of it the more she will resent you and think YOU as the cause of ruining her life.

 

You take him away and more will come. This is not her first guy nor her last.

 

Have you even given him a chance? Have you even talked to him? Have you talked to her about her feelings without yelling and instead of trying to act like her Mother try to act like her FRIEND? That's probably the reason she doesn't count on you anymore or tell you things, because you are trying to be her mother when you are not.

[Illusion24]

Originally posted by Guest123

Ok lets look at it from her point of view..

 

Obviously she thought he was important enough to give her virginity to him. She gave it up to him. It was HERS not YOURS to give away.

What age did you give away your virginity?

 

I honestly don't understand why you are acting like her mother in the first place? Your not her mother nor her grandmother not even her aunt. Your her cousin. She may take your opinions but you have no right to go around interrupting her life or beating her?

 

How would you feel if at 18 you had met this wonderful guy (regardless of race ) and had chosen to give your virginity to him and your cousin all of a sudden got in the way saying she was going to call the cops and put a restraining order against your bf?

 

I know you are doing it for her best interest but you have to remember that number one:

 

She's not YOU. You cannot correct the mistakes of your past through her.

 

Number two..she is 15 and she has to live out her mistakes and her life so that she can learn from it. The more you get into her life and try to take him out of it the more she will resent you and think YOU as the cause of ruining her life.

 

You take him away and more will come. This is not her first guy nor her last.

 

Have you even given him a chance? Have you even talked to him? Have you talked to her about her feelings without yelling and instead of trying to act like her Mother try to act like her FRIEND? That's probably the reason she doesn't count on you anymore or tell you things, because you are trying to be her mother when you are not.

 

Guest123??

 

How old are u? Did you not read correctly...I'm meeting him this weekend

[LonelySoul]

She's not YOU. You cannot correct the mistakes of your past through her.

 

NSN hasn't mentioned a thing about fixing her past through her cousin, don't agree with you their. I do think you need to talk to your cousin first. Be there for her as a friend, yes but if she looks up to you and only talks to you, you don't want to break that bond. I don't think you're acting like her mother, you're just concerned with your cousins well being. If things get out of control and the relationship is getting to wild, then I would tell your aunt. Your in a difficult situation and no matter what happens in the end, it's just puppy love and the beginning of your cousins life.

[Illusion24]

Why would I want to fix MY past through MY cousin?? Doesn't make sense to me either but anyways...I've talked to my cousin a bit more and I'm finding out more and more about the relationship. I don't want her to end it, I just want her to be careful about getting pregnant and STD's.

 

She needs to be supervised a little more, try to make it difficult for them to be alone. I don't want to scull her or come down on her, I just want to teach her right from wrong and she's going about this the wrong way...I'm just trying to gear her into the right direction.

 

She can seem him but home on the couch, not sneak out of a window and go to a park!!

[Guest123]

"She's not YOU. You cannot correct the mistakes of your past through her."

 

I wrote this because you wrote:

 

 

"What does an 18 year old want with a 15 year old!!!!! I know, I know...the same thing my 18 year old bf when I was 15 wanted...To get a VIRGIN!!!"

 

 

Just because that happened to you at that age doesnt mean its going to happen to her.

 

Im sorry. I did read you were to visit him this weekend:

 

"Originally posted by NeverSayNever

I'm not going to move or say anything the first couple of minutes he's in the room. I'm just going to observe both of their behavior. Then I will speak my mind to him and I will tell him, I will not hesitate to call the cops and put a restraining order on him."

 

Ok. But what you wrote there is meeting him for all the Wrong reasons. Your meeting him to attack him in person. I feel sorry for your cousin. First you control her love life then soon her life. Do you pick her underwear too?