Probably the most over analized situation ever

[Creeper_73]

Right. Where do I start with this one.

 

So, I`m a 21 year old easy going gamer. I`m studying by correspondence and spend most of my time at home. Other than that I work part time and I like keeping things simple and uncomplicated.

 

So a few months ago I met this girl in a Teamspeak server (think a skype group call, but without any video and we use it to communicate when playing games together). She also enjoys playing games and while initially we didnt get along well, after a specific conversation one night she kinda realised I`m not a complete ******* and we actually started conversing like normal human beings.

 

About January or December we started this flirting thing going. Now she is a casual flirter. I knew this before hand and she warned me as well, but I myself am not one to stand down to a little bit of banter. So we flirted a lot. And I`m sort of proud of the fact that I got her stumped and at a loss of words sometimes .

 

So anyways, talking on Teamspeak soon transitioned to talking over text occasionally. And 'occasionally' transitioned into daily pretty soon afterwards. This after she and I discussed that this was only a flirting thing and we both need to be aware of our emotional position at all times.

 

The thing is its not like we just flirted. We would chat about everything. She'd tell me how her day is going and if something was bugging her and all that kind of stuff. I'd share stuff in my day with her and in the evenings when she came back from work we'd start to play games exclusively with one another and frequently ended up chatting till the late hours of the morning (with her still working the next day).

 

We are both people who express our emotions physically though, and the fact that she lives in a city 7 hours away has meant that we havent met yet. And its not that big of a deal, or wasnt at least. We both share our physical desires with one another though. So if I know she needs a hug I`ll communicate that to her. It's also lead to some more spicy conversations. And its frustrating, but not unbearable the distance.

 

But recently I've become perplexed. She is someone that fits with what I want in a women so well. And while she is difficult sometimes, I care for her deeply and I know that after she has acted out her emotion she'll come back and apologise and level with me whatever issue we had. Its comforting and makes me feel closer to her everytime we fight.

 

And she feels the same way. We've both expressed our interest in one another and she has actually mentioned that she doesnt want to meet me IRL, unless it was because she and I could actually be acquainted IRL, which makes a lot of sense to me. Why frustrate yourself by just getting to know what you cant have.

 

Recently though she and I have been getting into the occasional spat. Now it's not like we are dating, though I`m sure to the casual observer it would seem that way. But part of the frustration I`m starting to feel is that if we made up after an argument I want to hug her and sort of just reassure her that its not like my feelings have changed, its just she and I have both together addressed an issue and how I feel hasnt changed.

 

And I cant do that cause I`m not with her. I cant express my feelings to her the way that I would want to. While I`m good with words, some things transcend words. Somethings you cant just say, they need to be followed up by actions and I feel powerless in this position to show what I want her to see.

 

And I've come to the conclusion that I have two main courses of action that I must consider. One of them is to redefine the relationship she and I has. I basically have to get into a voice chat situation with her, and tell her that we both agreed we arent interested in a LDR and that we are starting to get too emotionally entrenched and we need to at least distance ourselves a little to regain our individualism.

 

On the other hand I can suggest that we meet up and see how compatible we are IRL so we can see what the future worth of this relationship is. Is it worth it to consider moving closer to one another or something like that. Or making an arrangement. I know though that the chances of her considering this one is low.

 

On the other hand we could just play ignorant to the whole situation, but its playing ignorant that landed us in this situation where we are more emotionally invested in one another than we probably should be for two people who decided we didnt want to be in a LDR (and on a technical basis aren't yet).

 

So while ive used this post to vent, what are your thoughts? Any alternatives I've failed to consider or things ive failed to take into account?

[Empire87]

Ok well first of all you need to prepare yourself for the obvious. Catfish situation.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear or believe but trust the logic in that anyone who you communicate with over the length of time which you have, and haven't yet seen her face via video or her voice over the phone, runs a realllllllyyyy high risk of not being the person you think or hope they are.

 

She's told you she doesn't want to meet IRL. Um there's no acceptable excuse for that based on how often and how intimate your convos have been. If you just want an online girlfriend or sexual play then stick with what you're doing. But it's removing you from other real interactions.

 

You want to prove it for yourself? Dial her number if you text her. While you're in the middle of texting, call her. You'll know she's not busy because you've been texting. If she doesn't answer and gives you an excuse. Duh dude. There's a reason she doesn't wanna pick up and it's not because she's nervous or shy.

 

You want more proof? Tell her that you're job or family or friends are gonna be going to the city she lives in and you'll be there on certain dates. Tell her you definitely wanna see her and if she turns you down... Then you should be pretty sure by that point you're talking to someone who pees standing up.

[Creeper_73]

I think I gave you the wrong impression. She and I both know how each other looks. And we have chatted over voice before, as in called one another. And understand 'teamspeak' is a voice chat program. Like i said, its like skype without video. You still talk to one another directly.

 

Secondly the nature of our conversations are very honest. I don't know how to explain this to you, because I dont know how you approach life, but I hate lying and I hate being lied to. She shares that same sentiment and we base our interactions off of this understanding. It's not like I dont know her at all. And I`m not saying I know her well either.

 

But I do believe that she has been truthful about who she is, because otherwise she wouldnt be getting upset about things I sometimes say regarding what she has described to me about herself. If you are lying about something you shouldnt have such a strong emotional response to it.

 

And not meeting in IRL makes sense at this point. Think of it this way. You were told you could have the best ice cream you've ever had, but then afterwards never again and you'll always hate having tasted it because you cant have it again, or you can decide not to have it, and have no worry about how it tasted ever.

 

The reason for not meeting at this point is because it is pointless in terms of making something grow off of that, because we live far apart and neither of us wants a LDR.

[Empire87]

I think I gave you the wrong impression. She and I both know how each other looks. And we have chatted over voice before, as in called one another. And understand 'teamspeak' is a voice chat program. Like i said, its like skype without video. You still talk to one another directly.

 

Secondly the nature of our conversations are very honest. I don't know how to explain this to you, because I dont know how you approach life, but I hate lying and I hate being lied to. She shares that same sentiment and we base our interactions off of this understanding. It's not like I dont know her at all. And I`m not saying I know her well either.

 

But I do believe that she has been truthful about who she is, because otherwise she wouldnt be getting upset about things I sometimes say regarding what she has described to me about herself. If you are lying about something you shouldnt have such a strong emotional response to it.

 

And not meeting in IRL makes sense at this point. Think of it this way. You were told you could have the best ice cream you've ever had, but then afterwards never again and you'll always hate having tasted it because you cant have it again, or you can decide not to have it, and have no worry about how it tasted ever.

 

The reason for not meeting at this point is because it is pointless in terms of making something grow off of that, because we live far apart and neither of us wants a LDR.

 

Fair enough, wasn't clear on if you had spoken and heard her voice. However I have to stand by my statement based on her reluctance to video chat or show anything but excuses not to meet.

 

I believe that you trust this girl and think she's being honest. I'm just playing devils advocate here and giving you a possibility that you might want to consider or think about going forward.

 

You say you've connected so personally and on such a deep level over a long period of time right? You say that she gets upset and emotional sometimes and it's because she cares for you? So clearly there's an emotional attachment here right?

 

People who engage in regular communication and share intimate details about themselves to another usually don't come up with "reasons why we shouldn't see one another". There's usually that urge inside them which makes them think that even if you just saw one a otjer once , it would make the online relationship that much more going forward. You are the perfect example. You're legitimate right? And you've started wanting to see if there's something more there by thinking about meeting or going to see her or video talking. She should be thinking the same things if she's as honest as you say she is.

 

You asked if I could taste the most amazing ice cream once and never again. You're looking at it wrong tho. You are aware that there's this amazing ice cream out there and you're being forced to look at it and see how great it is every day. So you can continue torturing yourself by knowing its out there and never going to taste it just once to see if it's as great as you hope. Or you can tease and kill yourself over the "what if" for longer.

 

If you never knew about the ice cream the. That's different. You won't know it exists and won't have to be aware that it's out there. However you know this girl is out there and she's telling you that you can't ever taste it... It's better to just hear about it over and over.

 

I'm telling you. Video Chat just once man. That's all you need to ask for in order to have peace. You're not forcing an in person visit. You can just say that you've developed feelings for her and want to continue having her in your life but you want to make sure it's real just once by skype video ing with her. If she turns you down... I don't think you really have any logical reason to tell people she's not faking something. At lease appearance wise. Pictures can be manipulated and made to look real and specific. Video doesn't lie. Just watch the tv show on MTV and then you'll see how people can say all the right things and be someone they aren't very commonly

[Creeper_73]

Yeah I understand where you are coming from. It makes a lot of sense to a degree. The thing is, say we do video chat and things do move forward, then what?

 

She's not refusing to meet because she is hiding something (or at least i havent gotten that impression). She doesnt want to meet, because she feels that if we meet we are probably going to want to be together. Or at least there is a good chance.

 

And seeing as our circumstances dont allow us to move at the moment or get closer physically, she doesnt want to bring that frustration into the relationship, because I think she knows, she doesnt want that kind of frustration in her life(thats where the whole ice cream metaphor came in). And you know what, its fair of her to feel that way, because to a large extent I feel the same way.

 

That's why I`m perplexed about how to handle the situation. I`m not going to force her into meeting me, but at the same time I feel that because we arent in a defined relationship, she and I will then have to take a step back to just come to terms with where the boundries are(for the moment), otherwise we are just gonna end up hurting each other.

[d0nnivain]

She point blank is telling you that she doesn't want an LDR. Respect that. Chalk her as a ship that passed in the night; a fantasy that will never materialize into reality. Now go find yourself a living breathing woman who is closer to you & let her find a local guy. Because of the distance you two are not meant to be.

 

 

Otherwise pack up & move to where she is but that seems extreme in light of the fact that you have never met & may not hit it off IRL.