Third time's a charm?

[extracoolbreeze]

My story is a bit complicated but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

I dated this girl for just about a year. She broke up with me without giving me a solid reason. We said we'd stay friends, but she enacted the "no-contact" rule and blanked me whenever I tried to message her.

 

We never saw each other for a year after the break up because she was out of town. When she came back, she wanted to catch up, which we did. She explained that our time apart allowed her to figure out what went wrong between us. She said I was emotionally unavailable and she thought the relationship was going nowhere.

 

She was right. I hadn't realised it at the time. I was crazy about her but any time she tried to be affectionate or try to get me to open up I would unknowingly flinch or not reciprocate.

 

Realising this, we decided to give it a second chance and I could work on where I was going wrong.

 

3 months into our second relationship, things didn't feel right. I didn't have strong feelings for her as before. I think I expected a repeat of the initial honeymoon period, which is foolish, I know. Because I didn't redevelop these strong feelings again, I decided to end it.

 

The break up wasn't the smoothest. I didn't know why things weren't working between us, but I wanted to give her an explanation for the breakup. So I told her that it was because of certain things she said and did, which in reality weren't big enough reasons to break up, but I had to tell her something. Looking back, this was unfair on her and may have made things worse.

 

I realised the answers I gave her weren't the true reasons I broke up with her soon after. I explained this to her, but I still couldn't tell her why I broke up because I truly didn't know. She understood this and wanted to remain in contact while we worked on improving ourselves with a lingering thought that we may get back together in the future, but this wasn't explicitly mentioned.

 

We stayed in contact for a while, but now she is being distant. She didn't respond to a few of my messages, with the last one being unanswered for a month.

 

Looking back on our second relationship I understand now why it didn't work. I didn't feel like she cared for me. She broke up and ignored me, which devastated me. I found it hard to forgive her for this, but I eventually did. But in our second relationship she never gave the impression that she truly cared for me.

 

I think she was still guarded because she was worried I was still emotionally unavailable. The problem was that I couldn't open up more emotionally because I wasn't getting anything back from her! We were in a Mexican standoff.

 

To add to this, now she is not staying in contact like she said she would. If she truly cared for me would she not message me or want to work things out? I just don't understand her behaviour. I never wanted to lose contact with her, either when she broke up with me or I broke up with her.

 

Should I contact her and explain all of this to her or is it all a lost cause? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship was never meant to be and I'm just clutching at straws, hoping it will eventually work. The other side of me thinks that there really must be something there if I'm constantly thinking about our relationship.

 

I would really appreciate some advice as I am lost as to what to do.

[ExtraSpice]

To answer the question of whether you should explain all of this to her or not. I would suggest you do so. Not necessarily because it will lead to you two getting back together but so you don't have the nagging feeling of what if in the back of your mind.

 

Realistically speaking it most likely won't work out. There is a reason it didn't work the first two times. We tend to go back to what we know so we want the same person back because moving on and finding someone else seems a lot harder to do. I am stuck in the predicament of second chances as well. I am giving advice like priest but I have screwed myself over royally.

 

I would suggest say your piece and then leave it be. If she wants to try again after that great, if not nothing you can do. I am learning this lesson the hard way. Even when I had already learnt it in the past. The mind is idiotic at times.

[extracoolbreeze]

To answer the question of whether you should explain all of this to her or not. I would suggest you do so. Not necessarily because it will lead to you two getting back together but so you don't have the nagging feeling of what if in the back of your mind.

 

Realistically speaking it most likely won't work out. There is a reason it didn't work the first two times. We tend to go back to what we know so we want the same person back because moving on and finding someone else seems a lot harder to do. I am stuck in the predicament of second chances as well. I am giving advice like priest but I have screwed myself over royally.

 

I would suggest say your piece and then leave it be. If she wants to try again after that great, if not nothing you can do. I am learning this lesson the hard way. Even when I had already learnt it in the past. The mind is idiotic at times.

 

I think you're right. I'd prefer to just have a definitive answer on where we stand. If we both feel it won't work out, I'd just cut all ties. It's the not knowing is what kills me!

 

I do feel a bit stupid contacting her after an ignored message, and then go on to ask where we stand when I was the one that broke up the second time. I always feel like I'm the one chasing her which I think is why it didn't work out.

[wlh22]

I am in the similar situation as yours although when I gave my ex a second chance, she ended it the second time.

 

In your case, she did not respond to the last message. But still, if you feel, you can give her a call and ask her if she could talk for a few mins (and if not then, then another time). But be clear on what you want to say and what you want from her (knowing she may not agree). Good luck!

 

My story is a bit complicated but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

I dated this girl for just about a year. She broke up with me without giving me a solid reason. We said we'd stay friends, but she enacted the "no-contact" rule and blanked me whenever I tried to message her.

 

We never saw each other for a year after the break up because she was out of town. When she came back, she wanted to catch up, which we did. She explained that our time apart allowed her to figure out what went wrong between us. She said I was emotionally unavailable and she thought the relationship was going nowhere.

 

She was right. I hadn't realised it at the time. I was crazy about her but any time she tried to be affectionate or try to get me to open up I would unknowingly flinch or not reciprocate.

 

Realising this, we decided to give it a second chance and I could work on where I was going wrong.

 

3 months into our second relationship, things didn't feel right. I didn't have strong feelings for her as before. I think I expected a repeat of the initial honeymoon period, which is foolish, I know. Because I didn't redevelop these strong feelings again, I decided to end it.

 

The break up wasn't the smoothest. I didn't know why things weren't working between us, but I wanted to give her an explanation for the breakup. So I told her that it was because of certain things she said and did, which in reality weren't big enough reasons to break up, but I had to tell her something. Looking back, this was unfair on her and may have made things worse.

 

I realised the answers I gave her weren't the true reasons I broke up with her soon after. I explained this to her, but I still couldn't tell her why I broke up because I truly didn't know. She understood this and wanted to remain in contact while we worked on improving ourselves with a lingering thought that we may get back together in the future, but this wasn't explicitly mentioned.

 

We stayed in contact for a while, but now she is being distant. She didn't respond to a few of my messages, with the last one being unanswered for a month.

 

Looking back on our second relationship I understand now why it didn't work. I didn't feel like she cared for me. She broke up and ignored me, which devastated me. I found it hard to forgive her for this, but I eventually did. But in our second relationship she never gave the impression that she truly cared for me.

 

I think she was still guarded because she was worried I was still emotionally unavailable. The problem was that I couldn't open up more emotionally because I wasn't getting anything back from her! We were in a Mexican standoff.

 

To add to this, now she is not staying in contact like she said she would. If she truly cared for me would she not message me or want to work things out? I just don't understand her behaviour. I never wanted to lose contact with her, either when she broke up with me or I broke up with her.

 

Should I contact her and explain all of this to her or is it all a lost cause? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship was never meant to be and I'm just clutching at straws, hoping it will eventually work. The other side of me thinks that there really must be something there if I'm constantly thinking about our relationship.

 

I would really appreciate some advice as I am lost as to what to do.