5 mos pregnant and in unstable marriage

[islandgirl1986]

This is my second pregnancy. My first was 10 years ago. I was 18 and I had to go through my pregnancy on my own. My ex-boyfriend then wanted me to have an abortion after finding out that I was pregnant, I didn't love him and he was dating someone else. Throughout my first pregnancy, I had prayed that the right man with whom I deserve and would treat me right would come along in my life. I am now married and I am 5 months along and expecting my second child. My husband has been emotionally absent throughout my pregnancy for the most part, and we have repeatedly expressed our interest in ending the marriage throughout my pregnancy. It's not stable, and I'm hurting a lot. I just can't believe that for the second time, I am going through pregnancy alone, without support from my partner and that I will have to raise another child on my own again. My husband is a good provider, a hard worker, a good example for my daughter, generally a good man, but he is emotionally absent. His work takes precedence over family, he is not there for me in the times that I need him, and I feel neglected.

 

The day prior to finding out I was pregnant, my husband had suggested separation. He was leaving to go back home in the US, while my daughter and I stayed in our home country to help with family in a political campaign. My daughter and I had planned on being in our home country for 3 months. Prior to this decision of us being away was made, I made sure that he would be agreeable to this arrangement and if he had asked me to stay, that I would be with him. Before we left for a Christmas vacation in our home country to be with family, he also didn't come home in our home for almost a week. We had a big argument and he ignored my calls and attempts to reach out to him. I wasn't sure where he was staying at this time. I had expected for him to bring my daughter and I to the airport when we were leaving the US as he had initially planned, but he never showed up. He even resisted coming home for Christmas to be with us, until I had to beg him to come home. Our time together during the Christmas vacation was also pretty unstable with us both arguing, he was unhappy with the way things were planned for the most part.

 

At 6 weeks of pregnancy, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I told him that I was pregnant, I was extremely ecstatic, thinking maybe having a child together could bring us together. Unfortunately, he did not seem to share the same sentiment. At 7 weeks, I ended up in the hospital from dehydration, he never called me once to check up on me and the baby. At 9 weeks, my grandmother passed away and it was a very difficult time for me and my family. She was someone dearest to my heart, and he did't call me then either. In the past 3 months, my husband and I barely talk and communicate. I attempt to call him and reach out to him multiple times, he is either too busy or he isn't interested in speaking with me. He hasn't once asked how the baby and I are. I have asked me to join me Skype when I am having my monthly ultrasound, but he makes an excuse that he may be busy at work. In addition to this, we had initially decided for me to give birth in the U.S. He had mentioned that his work could give him 10 days paternity leave and 7 weeks off half paid. I was cesarean when I gave birth last, and due to the position of the baby, it is likely that I will be cesarean again. I will need a few weeks to recover. Someone will need to help me with the kids. I had expressed to him that I needed help and asked if he could take his paternity leave, but he chose to only take 3 days off. I told him to it would be important for him to bond with his child and since we plan to move back to my home country, and that he will eventually follow, that he won't have the opportunity to bond with the baby for a while. Instead, he focused on prioritizing work instead.

 

I had expressed to him multiple times that I am hurting and that I need him to be there for me and to love me, his response was that I complain too much and he called me neurotic.

 

I love my husband and I try to make things work, but I feel that he constantly pushes me away. I want to give up. My marriage is hurting me and it's affecting the baby. I think we owe it to the baby to do what we can to try to rebuild the marriage, but I need for him to change too, instead of thinking that the instability is all of my fault. Every time I approach him to improve our communication and work on our marriage, he resorts into attacking me instead. He just doesn't see that he's hurting me, to him, I'm always the one with the problem. I feel that since being with him, my self esteem and confidence has been affected. I may be approaching him in the way that isn't effective for him, because when I want to have a discussion with him, he dismisses me, tells me that this is my fault, that I have problems. That leaves me hopeless. He doesn't see that there is anything wrong with our marriage. I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed too. My anger and outbursts are not conducive for our marriage, but I am trying to change this.

 

I wish that I had a supportive husband and if that wasn't the case, then I wish that I was strong enough to go through another pregnancy on my own again without being affected. Going through one pregnancy on my own was hard enough. I want to have a family more than anything in the world. Knowing now that we are having a son, it breaks my heart to know that he might not grow up without his father. I want our son to have his father to be a part of his life, and I want my daughter to grow up with a father too. I am conflicted with what to do.

 

Realistically, providing for both my kids and raising a household on my own is challenging. I was a single mom, without a partner to raise my daughter with, for many years. And it was so difficult for me. I just don't know if I can go through it on my own again, with two children.

 

His emotional absence and neglect is impacting me. We have tried counseling multiple times, but we argue too much that he refuses to go to another session. He thinks that in order for us to change, that I will have to change myself and not him. In order for us to continue on our marriage. I need for us to both be willing to change and improve. I need him to love me, and be there for me, to be the partner that I need. I am hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore. It is difficult for me to discuss this with family and friends, I need help and advise.

[jellybean824]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again! I cannot even imagine the strength and fortitude it took to be a single mother all those years. Now, it seems to be happening all over again. No wonder you are feeling hopeless. This situation would be overwhelming for anyone to have to go through.

 

 

It sounds like you genuinely want your husband around, if not for you, at least for his child's sake. It must be frustrating that your efforts have not brought the results you long for. Unfortunately, you can only change yourself and your actions. You have acknowledged your part in the conflict, and are taking steps to better yourself.

 

 

Since counseling as a couple has not worked, have you thought of individual counseling for yourself? Since this is a sensitive topic for family and friends, it might help to get advice from an objective person.

[introverted1]

OP, do you think things might be better if you spent more time with your husband? I had a hard time tracking the travel details, but it seems as though you have spent a lot of time away from your husband. Was that the agreement you had when you married?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

 

You mentioned that your husband needs you to change. What is his side of the story in this? What issues made him want to leave the marriage?