Girls Trips, Clubbing, etc [update November 2016]

[Wookin Pa Nub]

What are your general thoughts on wife doing these things without her man?

 

 

Some background info. Married 15 years and in our mid 40s. I am more reserved & have bad social anxiety and like our 1 on 1 time better than group. W is very social and has many friends. I work long hours and we don't get much time together. W will get together with neighborhood ladies (good friends) a couple times a month for lunch, glass(es) of wine in the evening or a ladies-only party usually at a neighbor's house. Sometimes at local pub. We do other social events together too but she has plenty of "girls-only" social events.

 

 

I admit I can be controlling at times. I will call/text her to come home if it is getting late which she is usually reluctant to do. I do this b/c I have trouble sleeping anyway and really don't sleep if she is out. I get up really early so I need to get good night's rest.

 

 

Also my W cannot handle alcohol at times and was sexually assaulted in college so I get protective if I know she has been drinking.

 

 

She has brought up going on girls trip to all-inclusive in Caribbean or to Vegas or really wherever. She did girls trips many years ago but in pretty staid places. I would be adamant about her not going to a party-zone destination.

 

 

 

 

She also mentions she wants to go dancing or to a club. You would never catch me on a dance floor. I am pretty conservative and think it is inappropriate to be dancing in a club with other men joining in or bouncing into her. I guess it would be okay if it were with her girlfriends and I was around.

 

 

Do you think I am being normal in my actions or too controlling/old fashion/alpha male.

[d0nnivain]

I think you are being too controlling. If you hate to dance, that is fine but to doom her to a life without dancing is not fair to her. If not for my GF's I'd rarely get to dance. DH is usually somewhere else in the club (the quietest corner away from the music but he's still there). I could spend a good part of the night on the dance floor. So if you don't want her in a club without you, you are going to at least have to suck it up & go to a club. bring ear plugs & be her designated driver.

 

I am doing a week long girl's trip next Fall. While we might go out to dinner once or twice we're excited about spending time with each other to catch up & dancing on the beach by ourselves. So the purpose & venue are factors.

 

Unless it was for a bachelorette party, I doubt I'd go to Vegas without DH but I'd go to a club around her without him. Our circle doesn't really do same sex outings. Couples singles, whatever, everybody comes all the time

[kgcolonel]

Okay....I hear you on your concerns....have you ever squeezed a wet bar of soap? what happens?

 

I have a very good buddy who just like you was very much a home body and did not like to go out and socialize. His wife (originally very dependent upon him and very much admired him) loved to socialize. The buddy is a great guy, very handy and help all the neighbors with projects, repairs and the like. He was well liked in the area, however they also saw that distance growing over the years with the M. One day, through an app on their (previously agreed upon) he discovered that she had begun an affair with a co-worker. This may or may not have happened regardless but him not working deligently on expanding and pushing himself to entertain her passions, was a root cause in the failed marriage.

 

A marriage is a two way street, from what you wrote, you appear to be very controlling and very locked into your preferences. Unless you want to end the M in very painful way, I would suggest you do some self evaluation and open up to having some fun with your wife because where she sits...she either does not have the option of pursuing her passions with you and you really want her to stay home with you to suit you.....where do her passions fit into your priorities?

[Satu]

Yes, you are too controlling.

 

You are her husband, but you sound as if you were her father, and she a teen.

[Discjockey80]

You are going to have to learn how to be comfortable going to a club or party with her. That's totally reasonable as a married couple.

 

Carribean or Vegas trips with no spouses is NOT however acceptable. Sorry....Way too much trouble to be had in those places and both you listed are notorious places for extra marital activities.

 

May I suggest your marriage is in trouble? You need to lose the shyness and get out with her more often. Things may otherwise be innocent as far as her intentions right now but an off chance attraction to another guy with just the right emotional connection is a disaster waiting to happen.

[Standard-Fare]

Yes, you're being too controlling and alpha.

 

Your wife is a social being and she needs this outlet. She'll resent you if you block her from that or otherwise interfere with her enjoyment (i.e. badgering her all night with texts.)

 

And putting your foot down to a girls trip to Vegas or the Carribean would be crossing the line.

 

You've been married for 15 years, you must have a solid foundation there, so I don't get why you're so insecure about this. Is it that you don't like sharing your wife with others? If so, that's ridiculous and unfair - you don't own all of her time. And she already gives you the majority of it.

 

Or do you actually fear that these social excursions could lead your wife cheating? If that's a legitimate concern, then there are bigger issues of trust to address here. You should know your wife well enough by now to feel confident that she won't cross any lines.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I think you are being too controlling. If you hate to dance, that is fine but to doom her to a life without dancing is not fair to her. If not for my GF's I'd rarely get to dance. DH is usually somewhere else in the club (the quietest corner away from the music but he's still there). I could spend a good part of the night on the dance floor. So if you don't want her in a club without you, you are going to at least have to suck it up & go to a club. bring ear plugs & be her designated driver.

 

As I stated I wouldn't mind as long as she was dancing with her gfs and I was present.

[d0nnivain]

As I stated I wouldn't mind as long as she was dancing with her gfs and I was present.

 

So arrange to go to a club soon.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Yes, you're being too controlling and alpha.

 

Your wife is a social being and she needs this outlet. She'll resent you if you block her from that or otherwise interfere with her enjoyment (i.e. badgering her all night with texts.)

 

And putting your foot down to a girls trip to Vegas or the Carribean would be crossing the line.

 

You've been married for 15 years, you must have a solid foundation there, so I don't get why you're so insecure about this. Is it that you don't like sharing your wife with others? If so, that's ridiculous and unfair - you don't own all of her time. And she already gives you the majority of it.

 

Or do you actually fear that these social excursions could lead your wife cheating? If that's a legitimate concern, then there are bigger issues of trust to address here. You should know your wife well enough by now to feel confident that she won't cross any lines.

 

 

She does get many social outlets. I only "badger" when it is getting late and I need to get to sleep. We also do social thing together about every weekend. I am not a total home body.

 

 

I know she would never cheat. I think it is a matter of respecting my preferences of putting our time together first before gf time.

[Standard-Fare]

She does get many social outlets. I only "badger" when it is getting late and I need to get to sleep. We also do social thing together about every weekend. I am not a total home body.

 

 

I know she would never cheat. I think it is a matter of respecting my preferences of putting our time together first before gf time.

 

I'm not sure you realize how demanding and immature it sounds for you to "require" your wife's presence in bed in order for you to get to sleep. Sure, that's the norm you're comfortable with, but you have to be mature enough to handle the rare exception. Your wife isn't obligated to support your "comfort zone" 24/7.

 

And if you feel confident she would never cheat, then you shouldn't worry one bit about how your wife would handle herself during a night in Vegas, or whatever. It might bother you that she'll be having fun without you, but you know that she'll be faithful, so there's no serious risks here.

 

Generally when one partner is displaying behaviors like the ones you're describing, it means their own social life and hobbies aren't well developed enough. You should be able to ENJOY rather than resent these opportunities to "do your own thing." You should have satisfying and fulfilling ways to fill up this time, rather than harping on what your absent wife is up to.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I'm not sure you realize how demanding and immature it sounds for you to "require" your wife's presence in bed in order for you to get to sleep. Sure, that's the norm you're comfortable with, but you have to be mature enough to handle the rare exception. Your wife isn't obligated to support your "comfort zone" 24/7.

 

And if you feel confident she would never cheat, then you shouldn't worry one bit about how your wife would handle herself during a night in Vegas, or whatever. It might bother you that she'll be having fun without you, but you know that she'll be faithful, so there's no serious risks here.

 

Generally when one partner is displaying behaviors like the ones you're describing, it means their own social life and hobbies aren't well developed enough. You should be able to ENJOY rather than resent these opportunities to "do your own thing." You should have satisfying and fulfilling ways to fill up this time, rather than harping on what your absent wife is up to.

 

I have a very demanding job that provides well for our family. I am lucky to get 5 hours a sleep a night except I usually sleep in on Sundays. IMO it is not being respectful to me to stay out late during my work week. I am not controlling her going out with her gfs just how late she stays out on occasion. She's not single anymore. Does she really need that extra hour or two partying or a happy rested H who works his butt off for her and family?

 

 

I do have a social life as all of our friends get together about once a month, the two of us go out for drinks & dinner once a week plus other stuff as my free time permits.

[d0nnivain]

There is a balance somewhere. I think you are trying to find out where that line is & you are somewhat open to the idea that it's not exactly where you would prefer it.

 

When she goes out on weeknights, what time are we talking about her coming home? If it's before 11, try to be more understanding, especially if the rest of her obligations have been met. If her return routinely has the letters a.m. in it, that may be another story.

 

Since you admit to working a lot, there may be more to her desire to spend time with her friends. She may be seeking to fill a void she feels in her life because you are always working. Is there a way for you to give her more attention so she's not lonely?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

There is a balance somewhere. I think you are trying to find out where that line is & you are somewhat open to the idea that it's not exactly where you would prefer it.

 

When she goes out on weeknights, what time are we talking about her coming home? If it's before 11, try to be more understanding, especially if the rest of her obligations have been met. If her return routinely has the letters a.m. in it, that may be another story.

 

Since you admit to working a lot, there may be more to her desire to spend time with her friends. She may be seeking to fill a void she feels in her life because you are always working. Is there a way for you to give her more attention so she's not lonely?

 

Thanks - she has a strict 9 PM curfew or else. just kidding I am not that bad. I am in bed by 10 and once 11 or 1130 hits I ask her how much longer she will be out. Reasonable, right? Sometimes I fall asleep and it is 12 or later and ask her to come home.

 

 

We usually have 1 or 2 date nights per week from meeting for a drink after my work to a nicer dinner long night out on the weekend.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, can you tell us how often you're seeing these nights out from your wife? I guess we don't have a sense of that.

 

If this is like, three times a month when she's out til 11/12, then seriously, you gotta stop making this difficult.

 

If this is something she's doing every week, well, you have more justification for your feelings and you two might need to find some compromise.

 

And if it's multiple times a week, well, that would maybe cross the line into a problem.

[MightyPen]

I disagree with most of the other posters.

 

Ultimately, the "right" answer is whatever you and your wife can agree on, but I don't think it's appropriate for a married person to be out "clubbing" late at night when his/her spouse is in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I mean, I don't think that's even CLOSE to appropriate.

 

Once in a while? Sure...we all have special occasions with our friends. But the OP describes a situation where his wife is out frequently in clubs...with guys on the prowl (as all men in clubs generally are), alcohol flowing (I assume) and girls out dancing, etc. It's just asking for trouble.

 

Why can't she pick a less dangerous environment? What's wrong with 40-something women (or men!) having lunch together, or having wine at someone's house, or going bowling or something?

 

I just can't help but sense a double standard here. I think most posters would frown on a man "going out with his friends and partying" late into the night multiple times per week while the wife was upset at home.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

OP, can you tell us how often you're seeing these nights out from your wife? I guess we don't have a sense of that.

 

I'd say it is once or twice a month that is during the work week. Usually it is no problem but every once in a while she is out late which keeps me up. I guess I got anxiety b/c if she is out late, even if it is down the street at a neighbor's house having wine with the other ladies, I get anxious and cant sleep.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I disagree with most of the other posters.

 

Ultimately, the "right" answer is whatever you and your wife can agree on, but I don't think it's appropriate for a married person to be out "clubbing" late at night when his/her spouse is in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I mean, I don't think that's even CLOSE to appropriate.

 

 

I do agree with you but she is not going "clubbing" just out at friends houses or a local pub, not a pick up joint. She has expressed interest in going out clubbing and dancing tho. Sorry for the confusion.

[Standard-Fare]

I'd say it is once or twice a month that is during the work week. Usually it is no problem but every once in a while she is out late which keeps me up. I guess I got anxiety b/c if she is out late, even if it is down the street at a neighbor's house having wine with the other ladies, I get anxious and cant sleep.

 

I don't think that's a situation that should cause any anxiety. But if you're feeling it nonetheless, acknowledge that that's a personal problem you need to sort out, possibly through therapy, medication, or whatever other pathway feels appropriate.

 

Essentially, you need to deal with your own neuroses here rather than taking them out on your wife. She's doing nothing wrong, and pressing on this button with her is going to cause problems in your marriage.

[d0nnivain]

I'd say it is once or twice a month that is during the work week. Usually it is no problem but every once in a while she is out late which keeps me up. I guess I got anxiety b/c if she is out late, even if it is down the street at a neighbor's house having wine with the other ladies, I get anxious and cant sleep.

 

This is more on you. Hanging out with friends, even late at night is far different from dancing the night away with God-knows-who.

 

However, fair is fair. If you are this upset about it (even if she or I find your reaction a bit extreme) if she loves you, she has to be more accommodating to your sensitivities.

 

Would having the girls over to your house more often, even if they are in the other room while you are trying to sleep, solve both of your problems? She'd get time with her friends but you'd know she was safe?

[Tayla]

Compromise. Can these card club ladies meet at your home? Then you can graciously ask them to leave at 11 pm. I find that when either spouse has a desire for "me" time, they are needing to explore and value their friends or family .

 

I don't think you are controlling....I think you are a normal husband, wishing for your spouse to be safe and make good decisions in the marriage.

 

If she were doing community work, helping at the church or some other community event, we'd mostly endorse that. Yet let it be her out clubbing and it does conjure up another element of human behavior and safety.

 

How long have you been this way with her in your relationship? Has it gotten worse as the years go on? What well wishes do you have for her , how are you encouraging her to live a full life?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I don't think that's a situation that should cause any anxiety. But if you're feeling it nonetheless, acknowledge that that's a personal problem you need to sort out, possibly through therapy, medication, or whatever other pathway feels appropriate.

 

Essentially, you need to deal with your own neuroses here rather than taking them out on your wife. She's doing nothing wrong, and pressing on this button with her is going to cause problems in your marriage.

 

I agree I got issues but call me a traditionalist that a spouse (H or W) should be at home when the other spouse wants them. That is, a spouses wishes comes before that extra glass of wine. Maybe I am more traditional or just like the control of dictating my wishes.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Yes having the ladies at our house helps immensely. We have done this.

[SammySammy]

I agree I got issues but call me a traditionalist that a spouse (H or W) should be at home when the other spouse wants them. That is, a spouses wishes comes before that extra glass of wine. Maybe I am more traditional or just like the control of dictating my wishes.

 

The only "issue" you have is caring about your wife and expecting her to be considerate.

 

Don't let these people make that a negative thing. It's not.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

So what about her hinting at a girls trip to the Caribbean or Vegas? Appropriate? I don't think it is - that is a type of trip I would want to go on as well.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

The only "issue" you have is caring about your wife and expecting her to be considerate.

 

Don't let these people make that a negative thing. It's not.

 

Thank you! I guess I do like to control situations but when does that control go from looking after my own best interests to being the control freak that make Lifetime movies about?