Girls Trips, Clubbing, etc [update November 2016]

[MidwestUSA]

She's tempting fate, what is she running from that requires her to be in a bar by herself on a Saturday night?

 

Last night was Monday.

 

I'd probably hit a bar alone during the week. A Saturday would depend on the bar, the area, the crowd. If I was just killing time, one or two beers, not inappropriate.

 

I'm avoiding the topic of alcoholism as OP requested. I know all too well how one beer can turn into eight.

[Stage5Clinger]

If you read my other posts you will see my wife is a drinker. Try to disregard that angle and on the surface is it wrong for a married woman go into a bar alone for a drink or two?

 

 

My wife had an appointment she missed last night. The next appointment wasn't for another 90 mins. She texted me that she was grabbing a drink at Drakes (nicer bar/pub that we go to occasionally) until the next appointment time. Now it is a Monday evening and she let me know what she was doing but I am still uneasy about it. I don't want to be that controlling husband and it is not like she is doing this on a Saturday night but I don't like it.

 

If you trust her it is a solid choice to just stop by for a drink in between appointments. Doesn't make any sense to drive home in between and she's not going to chill in her car. If you do not trust her then you should be worried anytime she is out of sight.

[TunaCat]

You're basically saying that you don't trust her.

 

If you trusted her, you wouldn't even MAKE a thread about her.

 

It is more than "acceptable" that your wife is at a bar by herself. I actually hate the word acceptable in a situation like this. Your wife is a grown woman, capeable of making her own choices.

Edited July 13, 2016 by TunaCat

[MJJean]

No, it's not a good idea for an alcoholic to go in to a bar, married or not, female or not.

[BettyDraper]

You're basically saying that you don't trust her.

 

If you trusted her, you wouldn't even MAKE a thread about her.

 

It is more than "acceptable" that your wife is at a bar by herself. I actually hate the word acceptable in a situation like this. Your wife is a grown woman, capeable of making her own choices.

 

Putting his wife's alcoholism aside, WPN has also admitted to being controlling and expecting his wife to stay home with him because of his social anxiety.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/574513-girls-trips-clubbing-etc

 

He also confuses being an Alpha male with having a jailer mentality in his marriage. My husband and I have a traditional marriage but he would never call me while I'm out and grill me about when I will be home.

 

I'm wondering if WPN's wife is "rebelling" against her husband's control by going to bars and drinking.

[NTV]

 

I'm wondering if WPN's wife is "rebelling" against her husband's control by going to bars and drinking.

 

 

 

I don't know, based on all the threads I read from him, it's probably closer to their marriage is over and she just hasn't told him yet. Might be over because of the jealousy, but it does seem like for this circumstance where there's smoke there's fire.

 

 

OP,

 

 

I think you already know what's happening and where you marriage really is. I just don't know why you want to save it at this point. In fact, I'd propose to you to put that question to your wife, in something like:

'You go out drinking, clubbing, meetings dudes--oh don't say you don't it doesn't take a genius--while I'm here at our home. Why would I want to stay married to you? Can you even give me a reason that you're worth it? Because right now, you aren't marriage material. Your just some party girl.'

 

 

And then she'll pout or cry out rage at you (or all three) for a while but then after it sinks in, maybe you see some real change?

[BettyDraper]

I don't know, based on all the threads I read from him, it's probably closer to their marriage is over and she just hasn't told him yet. Might be over because of the jealousy, but it does seem like for this circumstance where there's smoke there's fire.

 

 

OP,

 

 

I think you already know what's happening and where you marriage really is. I just don't know why you want to save it at this point. In fact, I'd propose to you to put that question to your wife, in something like:

'You go out drinking, clubbing, meetings dudes--oh don't say you don't it doesn't take a genius--while I'm here at our home. Why would I want to stay married to you? Can you even give me a reason that you're worth it? Because right now, you aren't marriage material. Your just some party girl.'

 

 

And then she'll pout or cry out rage at you (or all three) for a while but then after it sinks in, maybe you see some real change?

 

I don't think that marriage means a woman cannot go out with her friends or have a drink at a bar alone. It's depends on how frequent the partying or drinking alone is. That said, when my husband met me he was impressed that I was only 25 and I was never into the club or bar scene. He was past that stage in his life. When I see my girlfriends, it's usually for a meal or we go to each other's homes. Most of my friends are married as well.

 

In this situation, the drinking and partying signifies a deeper issue. Besides alcoholism, there is clearly a lack of respect for the emotional and practical responsibilities which come with marriage.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I go to bars by myself all the time, so i wouldnt stop my wife. You know when I drink alone, i prefer to be by myself. I typically order one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know when I drink alone, i prefer to be by myself. I typically order one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

 

What does the rest of the band drink ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Friskyone4u]

Haven't read the other threads you wrote, but if there has been no INFIDELITY , just drinking, then killing some time in a bar ( disregarding her drinking problem) is no problem. Probably would have been a better idea on her part to go shopping and spend some of your money.

 

Like someone else said, as long as she told you and this is not a meat market pick up bar that she frequents, you are probably OK.

 

Now that being said, you need to wrap your head around the fact that whether it is Monday or Saturday, an attractive, friendly woman sitting alone in an upscale bar definitely has a pretty good chance of being hit on. You can chalk that up to simple old biology. Only way to avoid that is to lock her in the house.

 

Only thing you should retract is the statement that "she would never cheat". That statement is probably made by over 90% of the BH on any of these forums. There is no such thing as never or not possible. If anyone figures out how to be sure of never, they will be an instant billionaire.

 

And sorry, mixing hanging in the bar with alcohol is not great, forgetting about other men. Like I said, shopping might have been better, but if she has good boundaries your odds of nothing happening are very good

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

What does the rest of the band drink ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No band. I drink alone. Yeah, with nobody else.

 

Ps. Cant bring the band anywhere, they destroy everything.

Edited July 14, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[BettyDraper]

Haven't read the other threads you wrote, but if there has been no INFIDELITY , just drinking, then killing some time in a bar ( disregarding her drinking problem) is no problem. Probably would have been a better idea on her part to go shopping and spend some of your money.

 

Like someone else said, as long as she told you and this is not a meat market pick up bar that she frequents, you are probably OK.

 

Now that being said, you need to wrap your head around the fact that whether it is Monday or Saturday, an attractive, friendly woman sitting alone in an upscale bar definitely has a pretty good chance of being hit on. You can chalk that up to simple old biology. Only way to avoid that is to lock her in the house.

 

Only thing you should retract is the statement that "she would never cheat". That statement is probably made by over 90% of the BH on any of these forums. There is no such thing as never or not possible. If anyone figures out how to be sure of never, they will be an instant billionaire.

 

And sorry, mixing hanging in the bar with alcohol is not great, forgetting about other men. Like I said, shopping might have been better, but if she has good boundaries your odds of nothing happening are very good

 

I love your phrasing: "One way to avoid that is to lock her in the house." The OP cannot stop other men from hitting on his wife and finding her attractive. If she is so trustworthy, then men showing interest in her should not be a problem. My husband and I laugh about being flirted with because there's no reason to be insecure.

[Miss Peach]

I love your phrasing: "One way to avoid that is to lock her in the house." The OP cannot stop other men from hitting on his wife and finding her attractive. If she is so trustworthy, then men showing interest in her should not be a problem. My husband and I laugh about being flirted with because there's no reason to be insecure.

 

This. This is part of why I'm divorced now. My ex really tried to lock me in the house.

 

I don't remember your past threads but I would be pissed if my BF or spouse tried to keep me from killing time somewhere while I had over an hour to kill. FWIW I get hit on in a coffee shop or even work as much as a bar. It's not the location that I believe is a big deal in this case. Putting drinking aside, obviously you don't trust her to say no to any advances.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Do you see any difference in these situations?

 

 

BARS

Me - have on a rare occasion gone to a bar alone. Usually a sports bar to catch a game. I am an introvert and don't talk to anyone.

 

 

Wife - will go to popular/trendy restaurant/bar to "unwind - decompress". Has a glass or two of wine and orders sushi or an app. Sits at actual bar - not a table. She is super friendly and I assume will chat with others.

 

 

I am wrong to not approve of this and ask her to stop?

 

 

VACATIONS

Me - I go on annual guys golf trip to golf resort in the middle of nowhere. Drink and play golf all day. Crash by 10 PM.

 

 

Wife - wants to plan a girls weekend to Vegas or other fun city. Her and her friends like to get dolled up, have cocktails, nice dinner and likely go clubbing/dancing. All the friends save one are married and are stand up ladies and I trust my wife 1000%. Some of the girls are pretty attractive so I assume they will be getting hit on. I hate the idea of men dancing with her or hitting on her or if she were to drink too much a guy getting a little too touchy feely.

 

 

I am wrong to not approve of this kind of trip? I don't want to appear to have a double standard.

[Standard-Fare]

Yes, it's a double standard if you're doing the same thing (despite the behavior differences). And yes, it's not fair to ask her not to do these things.

 

However, I don't think you're "wrong" for feeling a little uneasy, and I do think your wife should help you get to a more comfortable place.

 

Talk to her honestly about your discomfort with her putting herself in situations where she's maybe flirting a little or getting hit on - emphasizing that you trust her completely, but you still instinctively don't like it. Point out the differences in your behavior/habits in these types of situations.

 

Make sure the boundaries are clear, the trust is rock solid, and the lines of communication are fully open.

[ChickiePops]

Yes..your wife is cooler than you...

 

She does not need your approval to have a social life. You have a right to express your opinion but she has a right to do what she wants. Unless you genuinely suspect that she's cheating then she is not doing anything wrong.

[RecentChange]

So let's see.....

 

You have started a topic before called "wife alone at bar acceptable?"

 

You have talked about your jealousy and controlling behavior.

 

You stated a topic about WANTING your wife to dress slutty and flirt with others.... only later to start a topic about wanting to allow her to have sex with others.

 

She is social, you are an introvert....

 

So what the heck is going on here!? You can't stand the thought of a guy flirting with her, but on the other hand you say you have a low sex drive, aren't attracted to her, and want to allow her to step out.....

 

[basil67]

Same same. If you want her to stay home, then you'd better give up your boys weekends and sports bars.

[lana-banana]

Yeah, I think you're really making a mountain out of a molehill here. Being extroverted and wanting to make conversation isn't remotely the same as flirting. Your opposition to your wife going out with friends is simply because the possibility of male contact exists? Your wife needs to be social the same way you need alone time. Unless she's given you a reason to doubt you ought to trust her.

 

(By the way, taking a table for one is rude, especially during happy hour or the dinner rush. You're costing the restaurant at least one other diner's worth of food.)

[Mr. Lucky]

I am wrong to not approve of this and ask her to stop?

 

I am wrong to not approve of this kind of trip? I don't want to appear to have a double standard.

 

So it's OK for her to travel and/or go out as long as she watches sports or plays golf? You're essentially judging her for not liking the same things as you. Were she a total stay-at-home introvert and was jealous of your golf outings, would you give those up?

 

You could always put on your dancing shoes, go to Vegas with her and be the life of the party...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

Going out to lunch, dinner, or happy hour with the girls? That's fine.

But going out clubbing or on a tropical vacation? No way.

[Els]

Do you see any difference in these situations?

 

 

BARS

Me - have on a rare occasion gone to a bar alone. Usually a sports bar to catch a game. I am an introvert and don't talk to anyone.

 

 

Wife - will go to popular/trendy restaurant/bar to "unwind - decompress". Has a glass or two of wine and orders sushi or an app. Sits at actual bar - not a table. She is super friendly and I assume will chat with others.

 

 

I am wrong to not approve of this and ask her to stop?

 

 

VACATIONS

Me - I go on annual guys golf trip to golf resort in the middle of nowhere. Drink and play golf all day. Crash by 10 PM.

 

 

Wife - wants to plan a girls weekend to Vegas or other fun city. Her and her friends like to get dolled up, have cocktails, nice dinner and likely go clubbing/dancing. All the friends save one are married and are stand up ladies and I trust my wife 1000%. Some of the girls are pretty attractive so I assume they will be getting hit on. I hate the idea of men dancing with her or hitting on her or if she were to drink too much a guy getting a little too touchy feely.

 

 

I am wrong to not approve of this kind of trip? I don't want to appear to have a double standard.

 

Yes, very wrong especially when you go on solo trips yourself, just of a different type!

 

As for the bar trips, does she ever invite you to go to a bar with her? If she does, do you consistently turn her down? In that case, what exactly do you expect her to do? Sacrifice the things she enjoys because you're an introvert (not a bad thing) who is also too insecure to allow her to be the extrovert that she is (BAD)?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Going out to lunch, dinner, or happy hour with the girls? That's fine.

But going out clubbing or on a tropical vacation? No way.

 

I agree with that too. I have no problem with her going to happy hour with friends.

 

 

 

 

I just see a huge difference in going on a golf trip vs girls trip to Vegas.

 

 

Would you ladies be okay if your girls trip was to the "Smith County Fall Festival" to watch the leaves turn while your man's trip was to the Hedonism Resort?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

 

As for the bar trips, does she ever invite you to go to a bar with her? If she does, do you consistently turn her down? In that case, what exactly do you expect her to do? Sacrifice the things she enjoys because you're an introvert (not a bad thing) who is also too insecure to allow her to be the extrovert that she is (BAD)?

 

We go out to have a drink and bite to eat 1 or 2X per week.

[VeveCakes]

 

Would you ladies be okay if your girls trip was to the "Smith County Fall Festival" to watch the leaves turn while your man's trip was to the Hedonism Resort?

 

Hedonism is a bit much to compare to vegas.