Girls Trips, Clubbing, etc [update November 2016]

[SammySammy]

So what about her hinting at a girls trip to the Caribbean or Vegas? Appropriate? I don't think it is - that is a type of trip I would want to go on as well.

 

That's something you all will have to work out as man and wife. Compromise. Maybe you can do both - Caribbean with you; Vegas with the girls.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. Just what works for your relationship.

[d0nnivain]

So what about her hinting at a girls trip to the Caribbean or Vegas? Appropriate? I don't think it is - that is a type of trip I would want to go on as well.

 

Ask if you can make it a true group thing or a couple's thing.

 

As I said I'm going on a girls' trip & have done weekends with this group in the past. DH got stuck on one last Fall. Everyone said they were bringing their husbands. My husband was the only one who came. He made the best of it but he would have preferred to be anywhere else. All we did was drink & talk to each other with a few 80's dance moves in the living room.

 

My advice, explore the parameters of the trip & take a hard look at how much you trust your wife.

[Bufo]

My wife goes out to dinner a time or two with the same group of married girlfriends every month. I don't see any problem with that, with the caveat that she gets home about 8:30. As my grandmother said, there's little good going on after 10:00.

 

She also goes annually to tropical Mexico or sometimes to an all-inclusive in the Carribean with the same group or some,part of that group. I can't do such travel, and she's always been a traveler. She used to ask "permission" when the kids were younger, but now that they are out of the house, I don't have any problem with it. I know these women and know that they are loud enough to scare away most men. Hitting on them would be like hitting on the hosts of The View--hard to get a word in edgewise.

 

In the world of skype and FaceTime, she's never out of touch.

 

Could these events be cover? Anything is possible, but if I can't trust her after all this time there is no point in being married.

 

Just my 2 cents,worth

[Standard-Fare]

I agree I got issues but call me a traditionalist that a spouse (H or W) should be at home when the other spouse wants them. That is, a spouses wishes comes before that extra glass of wine. Maybe I am more traditional or just like the control of dictating my wishes.

 

The only "issue" you have is caring about your wife and expecting her to be considerate.

 

Don't let these people make that a negative thing. It's not.

 

Alright, well maybe you guys should get together to form some sort of sister-wives situation. That way your ladies could get their socialization done in the home - in your sight and in your control at all times. And you wouldn't have to suffer from that terrible anxiety!

[kgcolonel]

So what about her hinting at a girls trip to the Caribbean or Vegas? Appropriate? I don't think it is - that is a type of trip I would want to go on as well.

 

Why not make it a couples trip? My wife and I do this all the time...girls need girls time to "talk" sometimes about us husbands and sometimes just to talk girl talk.

 

Just take another look at your original post....the wording and approach come across as very controlling and dominant. Many poorly received messages could have been better received had more care been taken as to the wording and thought been put forth. Neither wives nor husbands were put here for the other....I believe that I do all i can to please my W in the ways that are important to her....I enjoy what she does for me but it is not contingent either way me to her or her to me....it is a gift / choice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have my own opinions about marital boundaries but why do you feel your wishes automatically take precedence over hers?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

She does get many social outlets. I only "badger" when it is getting late and I need to get to sleep. We also do social thing together about every weekend. I am not a total home body.

 

 

I know she would never cheat. I think it is a matter of respecting my preferences of putting our time together first before gf time.

 

She's an adult though. You shouldn't badger her at all.

 

Perhaps agreeing a time or knowing when she's returning would put you at ease.

 

Plus you should express your concern about the previous sexual assault and your worry it could happen again if she is drinking a lot.

[Liam1]

I disagree with most of the other posters.

 

Ultimately, the "right" answer is whatever you and your wife can agree on, but I don't think it's appropriate for a married person to be out "clubbing" late at night when his/her spouse is in bed getting ready to go to sleep. I mean, I don't think that's even CLOSE to appropriate.

 

Once in a while? Sure...we all have special occasions with our friends. But the OP describes a situation where his wife is out frequently in clubs...with guys on the prowl (as all men in clubs generally are), alcohol flowing (I assume) and girls out dancing, etc. It's just asking for trouble.

 

Why can't she pick a less dangerous environment? What's wrong with 40-something women (or men!) having lunch together, or having wine at someone's house, or going bowling or something?

 

I just can't help but sense a double standard here. I think most posters would frown on a man "going out with his friends and partying" late into the night multiple times per week while the wife was upset at home.

 

I agree with mighty pen.

 

You mentioned that you socialize regularly as a couple on the weekends. So as you noted you are not a total homebody.

 

If she likes to get together with her girlfriends. As mighty pen mentioned, lunch or dinner or something that does not involve "clubbing" would be a more wholesome choice, IMO.

 

Clubs are notorious for being places for men and women to meet up to date or to hook up.

 

Maybe you can agree to go dancing with her once a month, so she can get her dance fix.

 

On the other hand, is she willing to accompany you to do things that you like to do, at least once a month?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

She does a lot of social activities with me included and girls only. These are very low key (friends house, local pub) but just have an issue when I am not there and she stays out late. She doesn't go clubbing.

 

 

She has just hinted at going to a dance club with girls or going a girls trip to Caribbean or Vegas. Just not sure what my response will be when she asks.

[Poutrew]

She does a lot of social activities with me included and girls only. These are very low key (friends house, local pub) but just have an issue when I am not there and she stays out late. She doesn't go clubbing.

 

 

She has just hinted at going to a dance club with girls or going a girls trip to Caribbean or Vegas. Just not sure what my response will be when she asks.

 

She already has asked. Those hints were her way of testing the waters. There is another term for it: a sh*t test. I hate to say it, but I think your are in for a bit of trouble. Right now, those ladies are talking about the Caribbean trip when they get together as a way of building up enough bravado for them to actually confront their husbands. Eventually your wife is going to say that they have already planned out a short excursion to one of those places and she has already accepted. I'd bet if you could slip a tiny USB stick audio recorder into her handbag before she went out on her next ladies night, you would get a earful of what their TRUE plans are, and when they plan to spring it on their husbands.

 

How you respond will determine the future of your marriage. It's truly a no win situation. If you come out against it, she will be filled with anger and resentment against you. If you say fine, go ahead, she will take it as you giving her permission to behave badly. And she will. They all will. You might try fighting fire with fire - you could tell her that you were against it at first, but the more you think about it, the more you are OK with it. After all, you could say, if you are going to cheat you could do it anywhere... and that you are thinking of going someplace you always wanted to go with some of your buds, such as St. Louis for the Mardi Gras Festival, or perhaps to Rio for Carnival. Men only... but don't worry Honey. I wont get into any trouble...

 

Then if she goes through with it, you do too. Hopefully, she will awaken to the potential monster she is about to unleash into her life and stop the insanity...

[ShatteredLady]

"I'd bet if you could slip a tiny USB stick audio recorder into her handbag before she went out on her next ladies night....." And she found it your relationship would be deeply damaged for ever!!

 

This is your wife! Your partner. Your love. If you don't trust her to the extent that you're going to start treating her like a criminal & recording her private conversations why not just man-up & tell her that you think she's planning on hunting men for a cheap lay!!

 

Being on forums like this can warp your mind & change your view of 'normal'.

 

Has your wife cheated? Has she betrayed you? I would be so offended, heart broken, reassessing my entire life & relationship if my H was hiding spy devices!

 

You love her & she loves you! TALK! For goodness sake. I've been part of "Moms clubs" etc. we do NOT sit around bitching about our husbands..quite the opposite! Contrary to common belief here sometimes.... Most wives deeply love their husbands & like sharing our love stories. Most wives just like to chat to other women. We like to dance for dancings sake. It's fun!! It's NOT about men. It's about fun.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

[quote=ShatteredLady;6841745

 

Has your wife cheated? Has she betrayed you? I would be so offended, heart broken, reassessing my entire life & relationship if my H was hiding spy devices!

 

You love her & she loves you! TALK! For goodness sake. I've been part of "Moms clubs" etc. we do NOT sit around bitching about our husbands..quite the opposite! Contrary to common belief here sometimes.... Most wives deeply love their husbands & like sharing our love stories. Most wives just like to chat to other women. We like to dance for dancings sake. It's fun!! It's NOT about men. It's about fun.

 

She has never cheated as far as I know and there are no red flags at all. Most of her friends of good ladies but a couple can be wild. I only worry about her drinking too much and losing good judgment.

 

 

Also, call me controlling or old fashion but I just don't like the thought of guys hitting on her while I am not around or her dirty dancing with someone if she's been drinking. She's very friendly and guys could mis interpret that.

[Liam1]

She has never cheated as far as I know and there are no red flags at all. Most of her friends of good ladies but a couple can be wild. I only worry about her drinking too much and losing good judgment.

 

 

Also, call me controlling or old fashion but I just don't like the thought of guys hitting on her while I am not around or her dirty dancing with someone if she's been drinking. She's very friendly and guys could mis interpret that.

 

Personally, I think the USB recorder in her purse is a good idea.

 

It will put your mind at ease, if she is just socializing with the girls. If not, and she is flirting with men, you can nip it in the bud early.

 

 

=

[Miss Peach]

Personally, I think the USB recorder in her purse is a good idea.

 

It will put your mind at ease, if she is just socializing with the girls. If not, and she is flirting with men, you can nip it in the bud early.

 

 

=

 

Totally agree with the other suggestion to avoid this. This isn't the only reason but part of the reason I filed for divorce.

[kgcolonel]

Totally agree with the other suggestion to avoid this. This isn't the only reason but part of the reason I filed for divorce.

 

If I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to hide....nice to be able to confirm that I have nothing to hide....some will talk about invasion but personally, I don't talk about anyone or anything that I wouldn't say to my wife or the subject of the conversation.....

[Poutrew]

It's really interesting to see the differing opinions on the use of remote telemetry as applied to human subjects. If I were to use information gathering on my wife it would only be because I had some doubts. Now, if my doubts were unfounded, I would feel guilty (really). Would my guilt employing the use of such methodologies outweigh the feeling of comfort I would derive from knowing my wife is trustworthy? I don't know... that would be my cross to bear, for sure. On the other hand, if I were to find out she was untrustworthy, then I would be totally justified in my effort to discover that I am merely the unwitting tool of an unethical individual.

 

Am I suggesting you use such tools in your wife's case? Not at all. It's my basic belief due to my own life experiences, that love makes suckers of us all, and spyware just evens out the playing field. 007 is my friend...

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am not going to use listening devices. That's crazy.

 

 

I did however have a little incident the other day. Minor argument at restaurant (bar area) that I admittedly misread. One of her friends who happens to be going thru a nasty divorce was there but at a different table.

 

 

As our tiff was unfolding this friend came over and my wife blurted out what was going on and I got kind of embarrassed. The next day my wife texted me that this friend texted her about our tiff. My wife said she texted her back and gave a reasonable (IMO) explanation of what happened.

 

 

We talked about it the next day and I asked if the friend said something disparaging about me. I asked to see text from friend & wife said she deleted it. My wife never deletes anything.

 

 

I am going to bring it up but is there a way to retrieve a deleted text off an iPhone?

[Almond_Joy]

She does get many social outlets. I only "badger" when it is getting late and I need to get to sleep. We also do social thing together about every weekend. I am not a total home body.

 

 

I know she would never cheat. I think it is a matter of respecting my preferences of putting our time together first before gf time.

 

This doesn't make any sense. You said in the first paragraph you go out and do things every weekend together. So her weekend days are being spent with you, your time with her is coming first.

 

It sounds like your "preference" is that she not do anything where you can't monitor her.

 

You don't trust her. I think this is due more to your control issues than that she has given you reason not to trust her.

 

If she has a drinking problem, that's cause to step in and ask her to scale back her drinking and have a friend be a DD for her when she goes out. Outside of that, I can say that most adults don't like to be talked to and treated as though they are incapable of keeping themselves safe or maintaining their loyalty/integrity to their loved ones. Especially not from their spouse.

 

I think you could do well with some individual counseling. I would not be surprised, if this behavior continues, if your wife does eventually check out of the marriage.

 

 

We all need a sounding board for things from time to time. That text to her friend is probably just that. And seeing how controlling you are, if her friend did text something negative about you or the relationship, you would probably ask her to stop associating with that friend. Someone else can have a bad opinion about you or your relationship, that doesn't mean your wife is going to take it to heart and it doesn't mean the woman is not a good friend to your wife. Please don't try to spy on their friendship at this point. If your wife starts lying about where she's going or something like that then you can ask about who she's keeping company with. But she's given you no reason not to trust her from what you've shared here.

[Almond_Joy]

 

Clubs are notorious for being places for men and women to meet up to date or to hook up.

 

 

They are and it's a real quandary for women like myself who like to just have a night of dancing. I started going to gay/lesbian bars - threat removed.

 

OP mentioned his neighbor will throw a house party from time to time, that's a great alternative if you're in a neighborhood where the neighbors are OK with that.

[inthevalle]

If she has not been going to clubs, then at this point it is a non-issue.

 

I see nothing wrong with her having dinner with female friends and going to their homes. As for the dancing, why not take a dance class TOGETHER and then occasionally find a place to use those lessons?

 

Girl trips? I don't have much experience with those. The only "girl trips" I ever took when married were ladies' religious retreats - not much danger of cheating at those!

 

I can understand why a girl trip to Vegas would make you uncomfortable.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You don't trust her. I think this is due more to your control issues than that she has given you reason not to trust her.

 

I think you could do well with some individual counseling. I would not be surprised, if this behavior continues, if your wife does eventually check out of the marriage.

 

 

We all need a sounding board for things from time to time. That text to her friend is probably just that. And seeing how controlling you are, if her friend did text something negative about you or the relationship, you would probably ask her to stop associating with that friend. Someone else can have a bad opinion about you or your relationship, that doesn't mean your wife is going to take it to heart and it doesn't mean the woman is not a good friend to your wife. Please don't try to spy on their friendship at this point. If your wife starts lying about where she's going or something like that then you can ask about who she's keeping company with. But she's given you no reason not to trust her from what you've shared here.

 

You are right for the most part. I do like controlling things but I don't think I am terrible, Lifetime Movie material, about it. She has plenty of girl and alone time.

 

 

I may ask her why she deleted that one specific text from her friend. Something just doesn't feel right to me and she shouldn't hide things. That is not unreasonable is it?

[BettyDraper]

You are right for the most part. I do like controlling things but I don't think I am terrible, Lifetime Movie material, about it. She has plenty of girl and alone time.

 

 

I may ask her why she deleted that one specific text from her friend. Something just doesn't feel right to me and she shouldn't hide things. That is not unreasonable is it?

 

Why do you need to control every aspect of your wife's time away from you?

This is unhealthy and disrespectful...especially since your wife hasn't given you a reason not to trust her.

 

On the other hand, if you didn't like the idea of your wife going to clubs and grinding on other men, it would have made more sense to marry a woman who wasn't into such such settings. If your wife didn't like that scene before, she could be clubbing as a way of rebelling against your controlling attitude.

 

One of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was I wasn't into the club or bar scene. When I go out with my girlfriends, we normally have a meal, drink wine at each other's houses, get our nails done or have coffee. We have a traditional marriage where my husband is the provider but he doesn't micromanage my life.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Why do you need to control every aspect of your wife's time away from you?

This is unhealthy and disrespectful...especially since your wife hasn't given you a reason not to trust her.

 

On the other hand, if you didn't like the idea of your wife going to clubs and grinding on other men, it would have made more sense to marry a woman who wasn't into such such settings. If your wife didn't like that scene before, she could be clubbing as a way of rebelling against your controlling attitude.

 

She is really not into going to clubs except for she just mentions it occasionally. I know the day will come when her and her friends plan a night out at the dance club. I am not comfortable with that unless I am there.

 

 

I don't control her that much, she has many girls nights but I do like her to be home at a reasonable hour, which she has not respected in the past. She's more of a night owl and I am an early bird & she says she just gets caught up in socializing.

[Liam1]

I am not going to use listening devices. That's crazy.

 

 

I did however have a little incident the other day. Minor argument at restaurant (bar area) that I admittedly misread. One of her friends who happens to be going thru a nasty divorce was there but at a different table.

 

 

As our tiff was unfolding this friend came over and my wife blurted out what was going on and I got kind of embarrassed. The next day my wife texted me that this friend texted her about our tiff. My wife said she texted her back and gave a reasonable (IMO) explanation of what happened.

 

 

We talked about it the next day and I asked if the friend said something disparaging about me. I asked to see text from friend & wife said she deleted it. My wife never deletes anything.

 

 

I am going to bring it up but is there a way to retrieve a deleted text off an iPhone?

 

Wookin:

 

I am totally confused by your post. You won't use a listening device but you are okay with retrieving a deleted text off of an Iphone, in order to spy on your wife?

 

Be careful with the option to retrieve the text. There are ways but it is basically hacking her phone. If the phone is a work phone, you can be charged with a crime.

 

If the phone is paid for with marital assets, than the phone belongs to you, too and it won't be hacking.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Wookin:

 

I am totally confused by your post. You won't use a listening device but you are okay with retrieving a deleted text off of an Iphone, in order to spy on your wife?

 

Be careful with the option to retrieve the text. There are ways but it is basically hacking her phone. If the phone is a work phone, you can be charged with a crime.

 

If the phone is paid for with marital assets, than the phone belongs to you, too and it won't be hacking.

 

I would ask her to retrieve (maybe) or we do have our phones freely open to each other I could do it on my own. I probably won't go that far. I might just bring it up on a evening she has some truth serum aka a couple cocktails. It is just very outside her norm to delete something. Her emails, texts, home storage is riddled with old unimportant items but she chose to delete this one text from this friend.