Mother-in-law, financial expectations and perceptions

[RedPressST]

I've been married two years, after a one year courtship, and I feel together we've come a long way. I'm in my mid-twenties and my wife is a few years younger than me. Prior to marriage, we each got to know the others' family. Marriage changes many things, understandably, and I think how my mother-in-law acts toward us as a couple has changed drastically.

 

Shortly after we got married my mother-in-law realized at some point I make a comfortable wage. We have all of our needs covered by my wages, and my wife's minimum wage job covers many "wants." Since this point she begun finding excuses for us to pay for things, help her through time and money, and it happened so slowly I didn't realize what was happening. After only a year of marriage, when my wife and I began discussing saving for a house, she began passive-aggressively inserting herself into our plans. It began with mentioning having a big enough yard for a MIL suite or buying a house with one (I said we'd have time to build one before it's needed). Then she started convincing my wife we needed a larger house than we were planning so that she (MIL) could move in to "help us pay the mortgage." I realized what was happening at this point and convicted my wife to wait until our credit and savings were higher to support financial "what ifs." My wife realized a few months later her mother wouldn't budge on moving in, and she hit the breaks with me on buying a house. My wife then realized how much money her mother was sucking from us, and slowly lessened spending on her mother. She takes her to lunch, pays for gas when they go for day-trips, but no longer will give money or pay for everything her mother wants on a day out.

 

My wife and I communicate well, and she supports me having "tough" financial conversations with MIL, and we've even developed a "que" my wife gives me if she feels I'm be too mean or getting too pushy. (I come from a "debate it out" then laugh it off type family. Her family wholly avoids direct conflict.)

 

Lately, my MIL needs a new car, hates her roommate (she rents a room for a steal, and the owner/landlord is rarely home), and has thousands in credit card debt... She's feeling financial stress, and the home her ex (my FIL) got in the divorce was foreclosed affecting her credit (she removed her name from the deed, but not the mortgage). She works for just over minimum wage, four days a week. Many have suggested she get a better job or a second job to relieve financial stress. She is 50, and would rather retire (without a retirement account that will support this).

 

As my wife and I revisit buying a home, I'm not sure how to keep a good relationship with my MIL while keeping my marriage happy. I want my wife to keep a good relationship with her mother, but I see the stress there as well. I make enough money that we can budget for a reasonable house, but will barely float if I have to support a middle-aged adult who refuses to grasp basic financial concepts and continues to lean harder and harder on us as a young married couple. My wife supports me and our financial goals, but neither of her parents understand basic budgeting and her mother feels she spent 18 years supporting my wife and so my wife must support her now that she's married to someone my MIL feels makes "a lot" because I have a career that pays a living wage.

 

I'm sorry for the long rambling post, but I guess my main question is:

 

What can I do to teach my reluctant, passive aggressive MIL basic financial self-sustenance? I know there isn't a quick fix, but do you have any success stories or at least co-misery? We've lessened what we do for her financially, we've tried to be kind but clear with living arrangements (when you require help, not while you're physically and mentally capable), and with our financial goals and that we focus on us now and potential children soon. What else can we do?

[bathtub-row]

Your MIL has no right to do what she's doing but she'll keep doing it as long as the two of you are willing to let her. I think you already know this and are smart to back off on the support. The two of you have a right to live your own lives without interference. Personally I would start limiting activities with her that require money. She needs to get the message by your actions. She's plenty young enough to find a good job but I think she is realizing that she planned her life badly and is now latching onto you to get her through the remainder of her life. The problem is, she probably has a lot of years left, and at least 15 before she collects social security.

 

I think she has a dangerous mind-set that you and your wife are going to need to nip in the bud.

[RedPressST]

Thank you. Knowing someone agrees we are not responsible for her financially helps a lot.

 

We've lessened financial things like going out to eat. Instead, we invite her back to our house for lunch, or offer to cut an outing short if she wants to go to her house to eat. When she wants to go shopping, we agree but try to be clear it's about spending time or window shopping. it helps now that my wife understands my side and is following through with cutting down spending on her mother, but with MIL's car failing, debt growing, and pressure on us building, I'm not sure what to do to not cave yet keep a decent relationship.

[bathtub-row]

There's nothing wrong with helping her if she has problems. But that's your call and it's not something she should expect. I'm a firm believer in helping people - especially family - if I have the means to do so, and when it's my choice.

 

I'm really happy to hear that you and your wife see eye to eye in this. If you didn't, it could create some serious issues between you. You both sound like you're smart about money. I say help when you can, and when you choose to but don't do it at the detriment of your own finances. I would also suggest to keep MIL in the dark about your income and financial situation in general. She's much too focused on it.

[d0nnivain]

You -- the SIL -- can't teach your MIL anything. All you & your wife can do is set boundaries.

 

I have a MIL who is financially irresponsible. It's fine to treat her when you want to but she has no right to expect to be your obligation.

[salparadise]

Yea, I don't envy your situation. It would be so much better if she expected nothing and allowed you to graciously assist from time to time. But instead she has an escalating expectation you are responsible for her. I think you have to reset that expectation and enforce some boundaries. She's probably not going to be happy about that, but it's the only real choice you have short of making her a line item in your long-term financial planning. I know you don't want to be hard hearted, but you'll all be a lot happier if you establish the boundary.

 

When you talk about her failing car, etc., it sounds like an enabling mentality. It raises her expectation. Another suggestion... all communication goes through your wife; you never discuss money with the MIL, and your daughter presents it as if she doesn't make financial decisions (regardless of the actuality). This is a variant of a tactic that salesmen use... they're your buddy, but they can't make a decision... the decision maker doesn't negotiate.

[PinkElephants]

I'm not sure what to do to not cave yet keep a decent relationship.

I'm not sure this is possible. Your MIL reminds me of my parents friend/my friend's mom, let's call her Anne.

 

My parents mentioned to Anne that they want to sell the house and retire to a warmer climate. Anne thought this was a fantastic idea and decided she was moving with them. She started calling the house to discuss design plans, the MIL suite she'd live in on their property, restaurants she'd found that the 3 of them would go to, etc. My folks tried hinting, then saying no, and they finally cut her off. It took almost a year of avoiding her to get her to drop the idea.

 

Oh, and the guy she was dating who mentioned maybe marrying her one day? She started planning a wedding without a proposal and was left at the altar.

 

The thing about Anne is that she gets an idea and there are no other options. She refuses to consider alternatives and is blind to hints and then she ends up totally bewildered when she gets left again and again; it's actually really sad that she can't learn that she's the problem.

 

Anyway, if your MIL is like Anne then she might not ever get what you're saying. She's decided that you're going to take care of her and that's that. She'll push until you either cave or abandon her. The thing is, you're talking kids and a family of your own and you have to make the most responsible financial decisions you can regarding them. Your MIL is not your responsibility; she had her chance to fund her retirement and she squandered it. Don't let her force you to do the same thing.

[RedPressST]

I'm not sure this is possible.

 

....

 

Yeah, I'm slowly coming to that conclusion if her expectations and assumptions do not change.

[RedPressST]

Another suggestion... all communication goes through your wife; you never discuss money with the MIL, and your daughter presents it as if she doesn't make financial decisions (regardless of the actuality). This is a variant of a tactic that salesmen use... they're your buddy, but they can't make a decision... the decision maker doesn't negotiate.

 

That is a really good suggestion. I'll keep this in mind. Thank you!

[MBWoodard]

Wow. I can't imagine your situation... **** my mil is a saint compared to yours.

[BettyDraper]

I have an entitled mother who is just like your MIL. My mother demands that her children buy her expensive things and put her up in our homes for months at a time. I have had to be direct with my mother and tell her that we have our own bills to pay. My husband and I will not allow my parents to stay with us for more than two weeks because my mother is too rude and controlling.

 

You and your wife will have to learn to set boundaries with your MIL. She will be upset but you can't let her reactions lead you to financial ruin. Parents like her like to use guilt to manipulate their adult children into allowing intrusive behavior. Remember to be a united front. Good luck.

[ladyrunner21]

I think it's awesome that you and your SO have a 'cue' for each other. That's so cute. But everyone is right -- isn't your problem, but I can understand how it is now. Your wife should sit down with her and try to work out a budget maybe, and teach her mom how to manage her own money rather than take from you guys.. As the in-law, I wouldn't suggest that you do it, but your wife should definitely look at trying to figure this out.

 

Good luck!

[LydiaLong]

This is a tough one, but it's not insurmountable. It will require you to be firm (but kind) and risk alienation with her.

 

I would immediately disabuse her of the idea that she's going to be living with you when you get a new house. Tell her that you look forward to living in the house with your wife only and value your privacy.

 

You might help her find a better job with more hours. If her credit cards are maxed out, that's really bad. Perhaps you could see if she qualifies for any public assistance.

[dreamingoftigers]

There's a pretty good book that I bought called Money Talks by Gail Vaz-Oxlade.

 

It deals specifically with setting money boundaries with difficult relations that seem to "want it all" from you etc.

 

I think I should actually give it to my mother. She spends far too much on clothes and toys for my daughter. It gets really out of hand. If I didn't ship a bunch of stuff out every month, my place would look like an episode of Hoarders.

 

But since my son is due in 3 weeks, I'll let her keep spending too much money on baby stuff until after he's born.