Bf's baby momma texted me

[MJJean]

She certainly does have a right to say "no sleepovers." The goal is to try to minimize the number of strangers a child is exposed to in order to minimize the risk to the child. And her point about not doing it unless and until you're married, I think is just fine. She doesn't want her child to grow up like she did, having different baby daddies. She wants to teach her kid that you get married first. And she also, by doing that, minimizes the chances that her ex, your bf, who she probably knows way better than you do, will just introduce and expose their child to a whole line of people, which is very confusing to a child.

 

You need to respect the wishes of this child's mother, yes, even more than that of the father, because she's the mother. And yes, I agree with Donnivain that she should be talking to him or to the court, but they probably have a bad relationship now and he probably likes to defy her and get around her rules and she probably full-well knows that and thought she might have better luck appealing to you woman to woman. I don't think she did anything wrong.

 

Sorry, but NOPE!

 

When writing this post, did you bother to think about the child's other parent, who has just as much of a right to decide what example he sets for his child? She doesn't get any extra rights just because she had the uterus and vagina.

 

I do not now nor have I ever bought the "new people confuse the child" line of bullshyte. Children and adults typically have many people enter and leave their lives. School, friends, family, or any kind of kids sports are great examples of this. Teachers and classmates change yearly. Family and friends move, die, argue and never speak again. Sports team rosters change regularly.

 

If the father wants to ensure he has visitation with his child that is not dependent on the whims of the mother, he needs to file a motion for visitation. Once a court order is in place, she is legally obligated to turn the child over to him regardless of her personal feelings. If he's not willing to file for visitation in order to protect his parental rights, he's not the kind of man you want to be involved with.

[Iceshowers]

Sorry, but NOPE!

 

When writing this post, did you bother to think about the child's other parent, who has just as much of a right to decide what example he sets for his child? She doesn't get any extra rights just because she had the uterus and vagina.

 

I do not now nor have I ever bought the "new people confuse the child" line of bullshyte. Children and adults typically have many people enter and leave their lives. School, friends, family, or any kind of kids sports are great examples of this. Teachers and classmates change yearly. Family and friends move, die, argue and never speak again. Sports team rosters change regularly.

 

If the father wants to ensure he has visitation with his child that is not dependent on the whims of the mother, he needs to file a motion for visitation. Once a court order is in place, she is legally obligated to turn the child over to him regardless of her personal feelings. If he's not willing to file for visitation in order to protect his parental rights, he's not the kind of man you want to be involved with.

 

I agree with you on the first part. She is the mother, yes, and as mothers we get the heavier load of child rearing, but even I, a mother, talk to my baby's dad regularly about our child. We share stories, funny things that our child did, when we pick or drop him off, who he played with, etc. The difference between my bf and his ex's relationship and mine and my ex is that we don't involve personal details in our conversations.. and if we do, it's not about who we are dating.

 

My bf has as much right as his ex's regarding their child. She is honestly just mad that he has someone now (which he hasn't in a while, so he would be on her beck and call to help her out with anything she needed) and now that he has backed away from helping her out with her personal issues (not involving their daughter) she is not liking it. She has controlled him for a while, and I've made him realize it. NOT by making him stop, but by telling him things that eventually happened with her (her attitude, her harassment, her controlling him, etc) and he saw it on his own.

 

The two reasons he hasn't taking any paternal action with the court is because of the legal fees and because her tantrums only lasts for a day. Because eventhough she threatens him all she wants, she needs him as he picks up their daughter from school every day even on her weeks, he is the only one that takes her to the dr when shes sick or her regular appointments, etc. He has/sees his daughter more than the own mother. So I know I'm not with a dead beat. He may be too forgiving, but not a dead beat dad.

[bathtub-row]

When the child is with her dad, mom has zero say over what he does with the child and who they stay with. I know people love to think they have a right to dictate to the other parent but, apart from keeping that child from a life-threatening situation, they have no say whatsoever.

[MJJean]

I

The two reasons he hasn't taking any paternal action with the court is because of the legal fees and because her tantrums only lasts for a day. Because eventhough she threatens him all she wants, she needs him as he picks up their daughter from school every day even on her weeks, he is the only one that takes her to the dr when shes sick or her regular appointments, etc. He has/sees his daughter more than the own mother. So I know I'm not with a dead beat. He may be too forgiving, but not a dead beat dad.

 

It's not about him being a dead beat. It's about him having the maturity and wisdom to understand that his ex is volatile and that he cannot risk his relationship with his child based on her good will.

 

For example, say she meets Mr Right. Say Mr Right is willing to pick up the child from school for her and help out when she is sick, etc. At that point, she could tell your BF to pound sand. These things, these what if's, are exactly the kind of things a responsible parent guards against by making sure there is a court order in place.

 

Not to mention the fact that, if parental rights have not legally been established, he may lose his child in the event something happens to the mother. I realize this isn't something a lot of young people think about, but it is something every parent should think about most seriously. What happens to the kid(s) if momma or daddy is killed in an accident driving to work or dies from any number of things that can suddenly go wrong in the body?

 

My own mother died very suddenly when my siblings were 10 and 12. Their father had never established parental rights because she and he lived together for their entire 18 year relationship. Once she died, there was no legal guardian for the kids and keeping the family together became a legal nightmare. The whole drama, and insane legal fees, could have been prevented simply by establishing rights through the courts.

 

Shyte happens. As parents, it's our duty to be prepared.

 

In my state, you do not need to pay a lawyer to go to court and have parental rights and visitation established. You can, for the filing fee, apply on your own and appear before the judge on your own. I think he'd be wise to make some calls, do some research, and see if he can file for visitation himself.

 

He may also want to discuss with his ex making wills, getting life insurance, and making sure the kid will be cared for in case one parent passes on.

 

ETA: Is he paying child support? In my state, we have Friend of the Court. They are the offices that handle child support, custody, and visitation. By law here, any support paid that didn't go through FOC is considered a gift and does NOT count toward the CS obligation.

 

This, in practice, means that X can be paying Y $100 a week for support as a private arrangement between the two of them. Y could decide, years in, to go to court for an official support order. The support order will include arrears, even thought X had been paying the whole time. Because that $5200 a year that's been being paid is "a gift" and not support as far as the state is concerned.

 

Your BF really can't afford NOT to get his legal ducks in a row.

Edited April 5, 2016 by MJJean