Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[123sadgirl]

I am in this deep pain which I cannot seem to move past. This married man I work with made a past at me, and it started this affair into a year and 3 months of intense emotional roller coaster. I am also married. Now it has ended about a month ago because he says he wants to stop because he feels bad, which I don't believe him, why did he not feel bad a year ago when it started. During Christmas holidays I asked him to give me a gift, since we have been in this affair, he never once went out of his way to do anything nice for me or even to buy me a box of chocolates on my birthday. The first time he got me a gift I had to tell him.

 

I do not feel good having the affair because I know all I am to him is a cheap outlet, but at the same time I cannot move on and I wish he will text or call me. So far nothing, not text or call from him. It so hard because we still work together. We have broken up a few times before and each time if I make contact we go back into it again.

 

This time I have decided I will not reach out and the pain is so unbearable. Is it normal for a guy to have an affair with a woman and never thinks of getting her a gift for her birthday or Christmas and how do I move on? Did he really even liked me in the first place? [] I just want to stop this wanting and longing for him. I think he has broken it off because he does not want to do anything nice for me and will have continued if I had not asked for any gift.

Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Satu]

Other people's men are other peoples men.

 

He is where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with.

 

He didn't buy you gifts because you are simply not important enough to him to make him want to make such gestures.

 

You can be sure that he buys birthday gifts for the person he's chosen to be with.

 

Do not get involved with other peoples men.

 

Where you are now is what you get if you do.

 

 

Take care.

[wmacbride]

So you think he broke off your affair because you asked him to buy you a gift, even just a box of chocolates? If that is the case, then he didn't care very much.

 

I know you are in pain, but what the reality of your situation is that your affair with him ran its course, and you invested far more emotional energy into it than he did. It wasn't the asking for a gift that bothered him as much as it was you asking him to invest ore into it emotionally than he already was, and seeing more to the relationship than there was. It sounds like he saw it as a bit of casual fun, but either his conscience got the better of him or he is just done with the relationship.

 

You may be in pain, but that does not take away your choices. You have options to make about how you want to move forward. Will you remain in your marriage and invest the same amount of effort in it that you have in the affair, or will you remain where you are right now?

 

You can accept that the affair is over and begin to move forward, or you can remain stuck where you are and miserable.

 

Only you can decide.

[Satu]

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

*If you work together, nothing more than basic civil communication about work.

[Lois_Griffin]

Is it normal for a guy to have an affair with a woman and never thinks of getting her a gift for her birthday or Christmas....

Sure it is. You weren't his girlfriend, you provided him with sex and he gladly took it. That was the extent of it for him.

 

 

I think he has broken it off because he does not want to do anything nice for me and will have continued if I had not asked for any gift.

He liked it better when you were just a willing sex partner without any demands. It also sounds as though the reward was just no longer worth the risk for him. The thrill wore off.

[RRM321]

You can get past this sooner if you stop looking for answers about him, and start asking questions about you.

 

Why were you so vulnerable to be used this way?

What is it you want that he so easily tapped into?

What about your self-image could you change that might prevent a situation like this?

What can you do to get those needs met in a real relationship?

How would you have handled that initial pass knowing what you know now?

 

When you answer these questions you'll see this guy (who is undoubtedly a creep) in a new context where you were complicit in giving up your personal power.

 

All of the other advice: going no contact, engaging yourself in activities that bring you joy, and connecting with friends and family are designed to create the space you need to do this self-searching.

[sandylee1]

If you have to ask for a gift it's not the same. He knows it is customary to purchase gifts for those who mean something to you....

 

Alternatively he has joint finances with his wife and would have to account for missing money.

 

Another thought is that he doesn't want to develop an emotional connection with you .... it's just a physical thing for him.

I know some affair partners exchange gifts and I've had BWS say their WH stashed them in the shed or something.

 

Some people in affairs realise it's wrong and want to end it. Is it really worth loosing your marriage over?

 

Affairs aren't usually a lifetime thing anyway.

[123sadgirl]

Thank you all for the advice, I could hardly breath reading them , reading them made me see the harsh truth .. It really sad but I was worth nothing to him and if I can take it all back I will not cross that line. I have a handsome husband and two beautiful children and when I look at my husband and how much he does for me and the kids it breaks my heart I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for. Yes I need to ask myself why ? and find my truth self .. I wish I can stop my heart from hurting ..)

[thummper]

I surely hope you don't end up losing that handsome husband and two beautiful children over someone not worthy. Affairs often have a way of becoming discovered.

[elaine567]

 

Alternatively he has joint finances with his wife and would have to account for missing money.

 

My first thought. Some people budget right down to the last penny.

 

Also buying a gift leaves a trail, if he buys it in a shop, someone might see him there, if he buys it online then it will show up on his credit card, in his emails, texts etc. If he is paranoid about getting caught, then the last thing he wants is hard evidence against him.

[wmacbride]

Thank you all for the advice, I could hardly breath reading them , reading them made me see the harsh truth .. It really sad but I was worth nothing to him and if I can take it all back I will not cross that line. I have a handsome husband and two beautiful children and when I look at my husband and how much he does for me and the kids it breaks my heart I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for. Yes I need to ask myself why ? and find my truth self .. I wish I can stop my heart from hurting ..)

 

One thing you need to do is to stop measuring your self worth by someone else's measure.

 

You have value. You say yourself that your husband is a great guy who does a lot for you, is handsome, etc. Do you think he would do all of this if you had no value as person and were not worthy of love?

[Satu]

Thank you all for the advice, I could hardly breath reading them , reading them made me see the harsh truth .. It really sad but I was worth nothing to him and if I can take it all back I will not cross that line. *I have a handsome husband and two beautiful children and when I look at my husband and how much he does for me and the kids it breaks my heart I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for. Yes I need to ask myself why ? and find my truth self .. I wish I can stop my heart from hurting ..)

 

*To a point, its true to say that you were seduced by a conman.

 

He found your vulnerabilities and exploited them to get what he wanted.

 

In that sense you are a victim, but not an innocent one, after the point where you joined with him in deceiving people about what you were doing.

 

I hope that this doesn't destroy everything for you, but it might.

 

 

Take care

[road]

Thank you all for the advice, I could hardly breath reading them , reading them made me see the harsh truth .. It really sad but I was worth nothing to him and if I can take it all back I will not cross that line. I have a handsome husband and two beautiful children and when I look at my husband and how much he does for me and the kids it breaks my heart I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for. Yes I need to ask myself why ? and find my truth self .. I wish I can stop my heart from hurting ..)

 

 

It feels bad to realize that you were used. The next step is to figure out why you allowed yourself to have an affair.

 

 

Then you need to leave this job. You must go NC, no contact with the OM for life.

 

 

Last you must confess this to your BH, betrayed husband.

[123sadgirl]

You can get past this sooner if you stop looking for answers about him, and start asking questions about you.

 

Why were you so vulnerable to be used this way?

What is it you want that he so easily tapped into?

What about your self-image could you change that might pregvent a situation like this?

What can you do to get those needs met in a real relationship?

How would you have handled that initial pass knowing what you know now?

 

When you answer these questions you'll see this guy (who is undoubtedly a creep) in a new context where you were complicit in giving up your personal power.

 

All of the other advice: going no contact, engaging yourself in activities that bring you joy, and connecting with friends and family are designed to create the space you need to do this self-searching.

 

Thank you so much for this , yes I need to find the truth within myself .. I just wish the pain will stop ..

[123sadgirl]

I surely hope you don't end up losing that handsome husband and two beautiful children over someone not worthy. Affairs often have a way of becoming discovered.

 

Thank you Satu...? You speak the truth and I need that.. I really don't want lose my family , I just don't understand why I even love or thinks I love him.. It puzzles me. The sad truth is I know deep down if he contact me I will not be able to resist, which I want to stop and resist ..

[Satu]

Thank you Satu...? You speak the truth and I need that.. I really don't want lose my family , I just don't understand why I even love or thinks I love him.. It puzzles me. The sad truth is I know deep down if he contact me *I will not be able to resist, which I want to stop and resist ..

 

*On the basis of that, I really think that your best option is to tell your husband the truth.

[RRM321]

Thank you so much for this , yes I need to find the truth within myself .. I just wish the pain will stop ..

 

Be kinder to yourself, and the pain will lessen.

 

Marriage with children is difficult - really difficult. Life is hard. We have to make peace with ourselves in a world that relentlessly tells us we're not enough, that we should work harder, be more passionate, have bigger thrills, etc.

 

This constant scarcity principle leaves us wanting because instead of appreciating how far we've grown and all that we have - we fixate on what we've given up, lost, or have yet to gain. Stop listening to that relentless critic and praise your self for the life you've already made - not the one the world would have you model.

 

You've heard the expression that life is not a dress rehearsal? Well, it's also not a show. You live it for yourself and your family - not for an audience. Stop comparing and start accepting.

 

You had to have some kind of passion when you made those children so, whatever you're looking for is probably already present somewhere in your past. If you want to start a fire - the hearth at home might be a better place to start.

[BuddyX]

*On the basis of that, I really think that your best option is to tell your husband the truth.

 

This is a tough one. There are instances where I believe honesty is the truth. But sometimes moving on is a better option. I do not know what the OP should do.

Given the description she gave of the MM and her husband I believe her husbands reaction would be to part ways.

Husbands way of thinking, "if she's willing to leave me for this guy, then she's willing to leave for anyone".

 

I wish the OP luck. But you have to go NC. Do not give MN an opportunity to contact you. Block him. Period

[RRM321]

*On the basis of that, I really think that your best option is to tell your husband the truth.

 

I would not advise that without careful guidance from a therapist or counselor.

 

If the husband is truly unaware and not himself already lost or wandering - then it begs the question as to whether telling him is yet, another selfish act.

 

Guilt sucks but, so does dumping it on someone else when you have the power to change your behavior, improve the situation, and protect those who's care you are entrusted with, and who have committed to caring for you.

 

The same goes for the husband he has to step up and acknowledge her needs. However, I think she can address what is missing in their relationship and ask him to work with her to find it without dumping the guilt that she already went searching elsewhere.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband had been cheating behind your back for a year and putting your health at risk for STD's? At the very least you need to confess so that he and you can be checked for STD's.

[Marc878]

He's a player. He got what YOU gave him willingly.

 

He's probably gotten bored and will now move onto another.

 

No matter what happens. Whether your husband finds out or not you have effectively destroyed your marriage. Over what????

 

It will never be the same again. You need to wake up!!!!

 

He'll probably be back here and there when the time suits him. You mean nothing except some sex on the side.

[Buckeye2]

I had stood so low and cheapen myself to a man who is many years older than myself and husband, he has lines forehead like a bad road map, and beer gut and this is the man I 'm longing for. Yes I need to ask myself why ? and find my truth self .. I wish I can stop my heart from hurting ..)

 

This man’s job was to get into your pants. He did that by showing you attention and was very motivated. When he listened to you felt like the only person in the world. He noticed qualities and things about you that no one else did. What a good job you were doing at work. How very smart you are. If your hair changed or if you had a new dress.

 

 

You didn’t do it for the sex. If that was it then you would have picked some hot young guy. You miss the attention and how special he made you feel. Your husband has day to day things to deal with like the kids. You were on a perpetual date with the other man.

[RRM321]

How would you feel if your husband had been cheating behind your back for a year and putting your health at risk for STD's? At the very least you need to confess so that he and you can be checked for STD's.

 

You don't have enough information about the marriage or the affair to know that he was at risk, or that such testing has not already been encompassed under the umbrella of other medical care.

 

[]

 

She sounds perfectly capable to me, of changing her inner voice and finding her personal power.

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bryanp]

I beg to differ with you RRM.

1. She stated that she has a very loving husband who will and does

everything for her.

2. She stated that the boss is a sleaze ball who is a player and he has been screwing her for a year.

 

Based on these two statements it is clearly prudent to take these tests for the both of them.

 

[]

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal attack ~6

[RRM321]

I beg to differ with you RRM.

1. She stated that she has a very loving husband who will and does

everything for her.

2. She stated that the boss is a sleaze ball who is a player and he has been screwing her for a year.

 

Based on these two statements it is clearly prudent to take these tests for the both of them.

 

[]

 

[]

 

You seem to want, or expect, her marriage ruined but, that is not presently what has been presented. Yesterday would be a poor excuse for what we choose tomorrow.

 

[]

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal attack ~6