Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[123sadgirl]

Thank you so much Adoraxx & mudbloodgirl14.. your comments has really helped me..

 

@ Adoraxx - This made me laugh for the first time in days... you just wrote what my exMM said to me too after two previous breakups..

 

* "I'm not ignoring you. If I would be ignoring you, I would pretend that I didn't see you now." (when I asked why he is ignoring me)

 

And all this combined with a big, big smile on his old face! Thank you again

[Forceawakensme]

Whenever I broke NC, I got to hear how fabulous he is doing.

He also said things like:

 

* "Oh yes, I do like it that we have no contact. At least then there are no arguments and discussions. It's so nice and quiet!" (never mind that there were barely any arguments/ discussions but he always wanted to disappear without me tentatively asking about it)

 

* "I'm doing great! I much prefer running into you than coming to see you"

 

* "Oh I will come see you some time. You just have to be patient."

 

* "I will come visit you some day, ok" (he never did)

 

* "I'm not ignoring you. If I would be ignoring you, I would pretend that I didn't see you now." (when I asked why he is ignoring me)

 

And all this combined with a big, big smile on his old face!

 

Whenever I want to break NC, and when I think of sending him an email, I think of the smug look on his face if I would send him something.

And the horrible responses that I will most likely get.

 

Oh Adoraxx that is quite a list!!! -- What a douche!

 

123sad -- Power through!!! -- As soon as i broke and spoke to him i lost my power and he pulled away MORE (at that moment)! -- "he who cares less, wins" - (as told me to me in a thread here by bufo and its so true!!! --- Keep your power.. your dignity and self-respect. He will lose it for you if you break.. his ego will be stroked and he'll devalue you, however slightly for being weaker than him.

[123sadgirl]

Oh Adoraxx that is quite a list!!! -- What a douche!

 

123sad -- Power through!!! -- As soon as i broke and spoke to him i lost my power and he pulled away MORE (at that moment)! -- "he who cares less, wins" - (as told me to me in a thread here by bufo and its so true!!! --- Keep your power.. your dignity and self-respect. He will lose it for you if you break.. his ego will be stroked and he'll devalue you, however slightly for being weaker than him.

 

Thank you Forceawakensme..xo you spot on, the first time we broke up, i called him a few days later and since that fateful call , he thought or felt more powerful over me, and he looked into my eyes and tells me he has some sort of feeling but do not love me. I think of all the harsh things he said to be me sometimes and he calls them truth and i feel so devalue and angry... I am not sure why today i wanted to contact him so bad.. Thank you all for the support... i was going crazy with insane thoughts in my head till i found this Forum. xoxo

[lemondrop21]

Yes, the minute you reach out you will lose power. It's worth thinking about how the "power dynamics" in an affair are so pronounced and easy to fixate on... Was there ever a better sign that a relationship is totally unhealthy?

[Ophelia25]

I'm not the best adviser here, having never successfully sustained NC for more than a couple of weeks. However, I can say that he broke it each time he was ready to, and though at the moment, I certainly regret responding, at the time it felt good to know that I kept it up each time he initiated it. He broke.

 

However, I also now feel like the relationship is completely in his control and he knows it. This time, he simply said "we need some time apart and then we can be friends." WTF is that supposed to mean? Why do we need time apart if we are going to be friends? And he has to know that after all this, friendship just can't work. If I could ignore him when he tries to contact me, I guess then it would be actual NC. For now it's just a break.

 

But, I do know that resisting temptation to break NC is a good thing. If you do it, you'll feel weak and sad.

[Outofmysystem]

I can tell you it's the same even when it's flipped....the power at first was mostly in my hands (not that I was wanting it that way) then when xMOW broke it off with me, she took the power.....she has not broken NC for 6 months except a few email responses to me and group texts, I've been the one contacting her until late.....stay with it, it sucks, you miss them, you want answers to questions even if you've already heard them, you want attention, past affection......all of it does nothing for you now.....they've made their choice.....let them stew in their "wonderful, ****ed up life"......in my case, her marriage was a mess, still is.....

[Summer3]

Yes, the minute you reach out you will lose power. It's worth thinking about how the "power dynamics" in an affair are so pronounced and easy to fixate on... Was there ever a better sign that a relationship is totally unhealthy?

 

I think the real power comes when you realize that your life is limited. You won't have all the time in the world to lament bad men. Your life can end at any time: today, tomorrow, six years, twenty. The end is unknown. Can you really afford to waste time worrying about someone who used you? No. You can't afford it.

[Grey Cloud]

I came really close to breaking NC today. One of those days with lots of triggers . I just reminded myself that I actually don't want him back. My life is so much better off without him in it and all the drama that comes along with it. It wouldn't achieve a single thing. Last time I got told that "things were better than ever" (at home and with his w). I don't need to hear that. Time for him to move on with his life and me with mine. We weren't and never will be good for each other.

[123sadgirl]

I can tell you it's the same even when it's flipped....the power at first was mostly in my hands (not that I was wanting it that way) then when xMOW broke it off with me, she took the power.....she has not broken NC for 6 months except a few email responses to me and group texts, I've been the one contacting her until late.....stay with it, it sucks, you miss them, you want answers to questions even if you've already heard them, you want attention, past affection......all of it does nothing for you now.....they've made their choice.....let them stew in their "wonderful, ****ed up life"......in my case, her marriage was a mess, still is.....

 

Well said outffmysystem... I feel exactly what you saying, i want the affection , answers and the time we use to talk..i really miss that, but he chose to end it so be it.. he came by my office today but i ignored him, he puzzles me, he has not made contact by will pass by and smile at me, who wants friends that dumps you when they want??

[123sadgirl]

I came really close to breaking NC today. One of those days with lots of triggers . I just reminded myself that I actually don't want him back. My life is so much better off without him in it and all the drama that comes along with it. It wouldn't achieve a single thing. Last time I got told that "things were better than ever" (at home and with his w). I don't need to hear that. Time for him to move on with his life and me with mine. We weren't and never will be good for each other.

 

hi Grey CLoud.. those days are so painful and hard, but a few hours later if you don't break NC you feel better and sad at the same time of the loss. Hugs to you.. Let stay strong:)

[Ophelia25]

I came really close to breaking NC today. One of those days with lots of triggers . I just reminded myself that I actually don't want him back. My life is so much better off without him in it and all the drama that comes along with it. It wouldn't achieve a single thing. Last time I got told that "things were better than ever" (at home and with his w). I don't need to hear that. Time for him to move on with his life and me with mine. We weren't and never will be good for each other.

 

This is where I hope to be before too long. I want to feel like I DON'T want him back, like the misery and guilt outweighs the good feelings of being with him and talking to him. Honestly, he made it easier, in theory, in recent months because he's withdrawn almost everything but sex talk - very little emotional talk, except for the occasional "maybe we should just run off" that I know he doesn't mean. But, sadly, that just makes me more desperate, because he will say that those other feelings are there, he just hides them because its easier, and I then think if I try hard enough, or say the right thing, or...whatever, that I can bring them out again and things will be like they used to be, when we both seemed to be pretty sure that we WERE good for each other. Because he doesn't really feel that way anymore, or doesn't feel it enough, or doesn't think I'm worth it (I guess I'm not really, why would I be?) I should feel like I don't want him back and like we should move on. I'm just not sure right now what I need to do in my brain to believe it.

 

If he would say something like, "You are the one I love and always have been and I want you and only you forever and ever (ugh, that sounded so cheesy hopeless romantic teenager but you know what I mean) but I have to do what's best for my family and my children and try to hold my marriage together because it's the right thing to do," I think I'd be...sad but able to nod and understand and move on. Instead its, "I don't know what we should do, it all sucks no matter what so lets just try some time apart and then be friends" which is, I think, both cruel and impossible. I want to be like, "NO! Stop doing this to me! Don't come back, don't try to be my friend, just go if you think you should go!" and I'm too much of a wuss to do it. And if I did do it, I wouldn't MEAN it. How do I MEAN it?

Edited March 17, 2016 by Ophelia25
typeo, added a little

[Forceawakensme]

Yes, the minute you reach out you will lose power. It's worth thinking about how the "power dynamics" in an affair are so pronounced and easy to fixate on... Was there ever a better sign that a relationship is totally unhealthy?

 

Totally LD --- it illustrates how power and ego based A's are.. and how little they have to do with genuine love.. (At least the push/pull type As where the power shift goes back and forth like a yoyo)

 

ps -- LD hope you're doing ok girl.. just saw your little update -- whoa cant believe he said that outright! what a prize! -- did it turn you off or are you feeling a bit tempted after all that Nc pain?

[123sadgirl]

Yesterday was so hard, i had all this memories and when he looked into my office and smiled at me (which i totally ignored him but was sort of happy he did) i just wanted to kiss him and he will confess how much he missed me.. but i did not take the bait. Instead i finished for the day and left for home sad and happy at how i did not give in.

 

I will not stroke his ego anymore, he want a cheap outlet sex with no attachment or obligations there are places for that where they charge money and they do not expect anything back from paying customer.

 

A whole year, not even a box of chocolate for christmas or birthday. He claims he is having mind blowing sex at home and happy, then he should be happy and not looking for that a cheap outlet sex.

 

He once even told me , he is sex object for me .. i had to laugh.. i thought sex object were more like Brad Pitt or Huge Jackman.. i had not idea middle age men with wrinkles forehead and bit of pot belly were sex object. But that leaves the question then why i am suffering when he has end it.... Desires and heart and mind are three strange creatures...

 

Sorry folks for ranting... xoxo

[privategal]

Oh I regret it so HARD.

Save your dignity.

WHAT if you were ignored...the humiliation and blow to your already fragile self esteem.

What if he was cold and you had to remember those words.

What if he was nice but says hes still moving on..you get another rejection

What if he says he misses you and its hard? So its the same cycle and your in square one.

You cant grieve TOGETHER.

he can trick you still, act for you still.

Absolve his guilt by acting hurt. Then hang up the phone, shrug it off and be the all american family man.

Get him off that pedestal.

He should be reaching YOU and met by his big ego by your silence, dignity, and self respect.

Hed probably be shocked to find you not in the sidelines waiting in the wings to be his sloppy seconds, second best.

Do not do it.

Please block.

He lost you. Let him keep walking as hard as it is, wont it be AWESOME and make you so proud and strong and relieved to celebrate NC milestones?

You can do this.

[lemondrop21]

Because he doesn't really feel that way anymore, or doesn't feel it enough, or doesn't think I'm worth it (I guess I'm not really, why would I be?) I should feel like I don't want him back and like we should move on. I'm just not sure right now what I need to do in my brain to believe it.

 

Ophelia, you ARE worth it. To some man out there, you are worth being his one and only. Please don't forget that. His unwillingness to take the steps needed to be with you has nothing to do whatsoever with your worth.

 

If he would say something like, "You are the one I love and always have been and I want you and only you forever and ever (ugh, that sounded so cheesy hopeless romantic teenager but you know what I mean) but I have to do what's best for my family and my children and try to hold my marriage together because it's the right thing to do," I think I'd be...sad but able to nod and understand and move on. Instead its, "I don't know what we should do, it all sucks no matter what so lets just try some time apart and then be friends" which is, I think, both cruel and impossible. I want to be like, "NO! Stop doing this to me! Don't come back, don't try to be my friend, just go if you think you should go!" and I'm too much of a wuss to do it. And if I did do it, I wouldn't MEAN it. How do I MEAN it?

 

I just wanted to say that I'm there, too (well actually, he still wants the A, just makes no pretense about me being the one he really wants to be with). I also wish I really meant it when I said I didn't want any of it.

[123sadgirl]

Just when i think i am getting better and will not have butterflies anymore or miss him when i see him at work, no it not like that, my heart skips when he walks past me, it now almost 3 and half week now since he said we should end it. Each time i get weak with desires and wanting him and going to text or write him, i go back and read all the threads and that gives me strength. When those weak moments past i am happy and proud of myself for not giving in.

 

I have been avoiding him at work and have zero contact with him on professional level, he has not called, email or text me expect on last week when he pop his head into my office. I guess he is expecting me to be needy and beg him we should continue, which i am not doing this time which means i was more into it than him and he is very strong. It good thing but at the same time it hurts me a bit that after 1 year he can just cut me off like that. I guess he is really having mind blowing sex at home then.. Good for him and I hope one day i will stop missing him too.

[imperfectangel]

I think sometimes men just aren't as emotional as women. They're much more logical. It doesn't mean he didn't feel as much he just has his mr sensible head on. You said yourself he put his head around your door at work - surely that is him breaking NC?

[123sadgirl]

'he just has his mr sensible head on" lol ... he is always been strong in that sense and he ended it, i have not given myself or him the opportunity to be alone, and so he can talk with me. I know if he get opportunity, we will back in the affair if i accept his terms of cheap sex outlet who does not deserve or should expect anything from else from him and this time I am not being needy, just putting on my sensible heart on too, and burying the intense desires for him...

 

 

 

I think sometimes men just aren't as emotional as women. They're much more logical. It doesn't mean he didn't feel as much he just has his mr sensible head on. You said yourself he put his head around your door at work - surely that is him breaking NC?

[privategal]

Sadgirl,

NC isnt something like a vitamin you get on and off of...it should be forever.

Every story here where the AP is on again/off again will say "I allowed myself to get sucked back in for YEARS, push-pull-hot-cold dropped, then picked back up"

Dont let this become your story as in another year you will be here writing I shouldve never went back.

It could be those heart leaps you feel when he passes you arent butterflies, they are fear and panic...any high emotion..even hate, resembles love closely.

See how you seem fine until you see him at work?

You should really begin a job search.

You get one life.

Please stay strong.

[123sadgirl]

Thank you privategal:) I did applied for a job and will keep searching and hopefully i wish find something ASAP, that way i will remove myself from this a whole thing and i will never have an A again or at work.

 

Learned the hard way, i wish i can erase him from my mind, but all i do whole day is think of him, wondering if he is missing me or thinking of me too.

 

It so hard and time wasting... but at the same time i cannot stop my mind wondering to him...

 

 

Sadgirl,

NC isnt something like a vitamin you get on and off of...it should be forever.

Every story here where the AP is on again/off again will say "I allowed myself to get sucked back in for YEARS, push-pull-hot-cold dropped, then picked back up"

Dont let this become your story as in another year you will be here writing I shouldve never went back.

It could be those heart leaps you feel when he passes you arent butterflies, they are fear and panic...any high emotion..even hate, resembles love closely.

See how you seem fine until you see him at work?

You should really begin a job search.

You get one life.

Please stay strong.

[Outofmysystem]

I would have been in the same situation Sadgirl, my exMOW and I were supposed to be at a new store that opened last year in November, she broke up with me in September....long story, it didn't workout however, I'm right down the street from here at another owner.....it worked out well, very in my case because of the type of business I'm in, this place is established and very nice to work for.....but I've seen her driving to work a few times and I got the same heart flutters, quickened breath excitement that I used to get......but it passes....

 

Yes, he misses you, yes he thinks of you....there is no way he can't, you've had a history.....unless he is a total ******* or serial cheater, he thinks about you.....but it doesn't matter because he(you) have made choices.....I have to tell myself that everyday......and it's been 6 months.....I still feel the same, just give yourself time and don't be hard on yourself for still feeling the same way, it's ok....

[Grey Cloud]

Thank you privategal:) I did applied for a job and will keep searching and hopefully i wish find something ASAP, that way i will remove myself from this a whole thing and i will never have an A again or at work.

 

Learned the hard way, i wish i can erase him from my mind, but all i do whole day is think of him, wondering if he is missing me or thinking of me too.

 

It so hard and time wasting... but at the same time i cannot stop my mind wondering to him...

 

It will get SO much easier if you find another job. My xMM left work and the difference in my mental state has been huge. It's so hard when they are still around and you have to see them every day. I have no desire to contact him ever again. He is gone from my life forever. However I fear if I still worked with him I would be in the exact same position as I was before. Not able to move forwards, always looking back. And that is a terrifying thought. I cannot tell you the huge difference it has made not seeing him at work. I feel like I am slowly getting back to normal and feel more like myself again.

[privategal]

I saw in a movie last night the quote "thw wheels of justice turn slowly, but they do turn"

So it is with the case of moving on.

It seems impossible, they're woven in, we literally wake up and PRACTICE placing them in our mind and heart, analyzing, wondering, hoping, missing.

Its a hard road.

If your determined, your thoughts and feelings can change when you keep going.

When you be clear, its done.

When you be strong "Im taking control and blocking him everywhere"

When your forced to see him you think "hes just a guy, and a cheater, and not good enough for my heart, I dont choose him"

With the rejection "I reject you back and have enough dignity to let you keep walking even though it hurts, holding onto false hope and a fantast hurts worse"

Soon you are going to leave him in the dust and in the same day in/day out routine and you are going to confidently move beyond this.

Every step forward is a smal win and it adds up.

Its ok and normal to be sad.

We just dont have to stay still in the sadness. Make progress.

Delete hope.

Be real with yourself you both messed up and now your gonna fix it..by fixing you and by making a change.

[123sadgirl]

Thank you Outofmysystem:) I felt better reading your thread, you so right about the heart flutters passes. It really does and i feel glad i did not become too weak to break NC..

When we were we together and i will ask him, "did you miss me"? he will say "hmm not really, i did not have time to think of you" that's why i think he does not miss me and he can move on easily. Oh god what do i want him to do, to contact me and i will reject him to feel better. I tell myself i am better than that and i should be grateful he is being strong..

 

I would have been in the same situation Sadgirl, my exMOW and I were supposed to be at a new store that opened last year in November, she broke up with me in September....long story, it didn't workout however, I'm right down the street from here at another owner.....it worked out well, very in my case because of the type of business I'm in, this place is established and very nice to work for.....but I've seen her driving to work a few times and I got the same heart flutters, quickened breath excitement that I used to get......but it passes....

 

Yes, he misses you, yes he thinks of you....there is no way he can't, you've had a history.....unless he is a total ******* or serial cheater, he thinks about you.....but it doesn't matter because he(you) have made choices.....I have to tell myself that everyday......and it's been 6 months.....I still feel the same, just give yourself time and don't be hard on yourself for still feeling the same way, it's ok....

[Babsinhealing]

Just when i think i am getting better and will not have butterflies anymore or miss him when i see him at work, no it not like that, my heart skips when he walks past me, it now almost 3 and half week now since he said we should end it. Each time i get weak with desires and wanting him and going to text or write him, i go back and read all the threads and that gives me strength. When those weak moments past i am happy and proud of myself for not giving in.

 

I have been avoiding him at work and have zero contact with him on professional level, he has not called, email or text me expect on last week when he pop his head into my office. I guess he is expecting me to be needy and beg him we should continue, which i am not doing this time which means i was more into it than him and he is very strong. It good thing but at the same time it hurts me a bit that after 1 year he can just cut me off like that. I guess he is really having mind blowing sex at home then.. Good for him and I hope one day i will stop missing him too.

123sadgirl- I've been NC for 17 days now with no plans to break it. It's so incredibly hard, I know. I can't even imagine having to see him everyday at work! What keeps me focused is reading other post and learning how terrible the set back can be- I'm so unhappy with being unhappy that I'm now doing this for ME. When I feel weak I listen to three songs over and over... Sia - Unstoppable. Danny Gokey- Tell your Heart to Beat Again. Demi Lovato- Stone Cold. All three help me in one way or another. Stay strong- you can do this!