Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[Arthur_Fonzarelli]

you sound very foggy still. do you plan on looking for another job... a change of scenery, so to speak? i seriously doubt you'll be able to work alongside this man while still keeping this a secret.

 

regardless of what "someone" has advised you, don't you think your husband has a right to know the state of his marriage? don't you think he deserves an honest and safe person to live out the rest of his life with?

 

you clinging to the idea that you'd be hurting him by telling him is nothing more than self-preservation on your part. you don't want to face the consequences of your actions. you want to keep the relative safety of your marriage but keep this a secret, so you can relive it in your mind when things in your marriage look bleak. in essence, you'd still be cheating by reminiscing about it... your head and heart not being completely in the marriage.

[wmacbride]

I feel horrible for doing this to my husband and our two boys, but at the same time i cannot imagine the pain i will cause him further by telling him, what the point, i live with the quilt. He is good man to me and we have our up and downs, i want my kids to be together and not broken up in two homes. He will not forgive me, to him we are good and happy. I need to find out why i did it, it not him, it my selfish needs and now i have to live with this pain and quilt. It more painful knowing i have been used and was not worth anything to him. Thank you so much for taking the time to advise me, it means a lot to me....x

 

 

Have you tried balancing the outcome of telling him, including the benefits and drawbacks, vs. not telling him?

 

I can't speak for everyone, but there may be long term drawbacks to keeping the secret from him that you don't expect.

 

What if he finds out some other way than you telling him? One of the good things about being upfront is that at least he will have heard the news from you.

Edited March 9, 2016 by wmacbride

[elaine567]

Seems to me the OP is NOT going to tell her BH the truth, so no amount of "He needs to know", is going to work.

It is HER marriage, HER kids, HER husband.

So whilst all can go back feeling morally happy if she took the advice to tell him, none here experience any of that fallout.

The OP, HER husband and HER kids will be left to pick up that fallout and that fallout, despite the moralisers here stating it is all better out in the open, it is often NOT "better" for the husband, who will most likely never trust anyone else ever again, nor "better" for the kids who will suffer in the midst of warring parents or have to change schools when they move home, or have to live with a depressed/suicidal single parent.

 

YES morally "right", but is all that trauma truly "better"?

[sandylee1]

You need to get another job and block the old fella straight away.

 

I'm not necessarily saying that you should tell your husband ..... I see why that is scary.... but you need to know in your mind that cheating is behind you.

 

If you put your heart and soul into being a great wife and mother. ... if your infidelity is discovered years later.. your husband will have the good memories of your marriage.... but you MUST WORK ON YOU... seek therapy...... put your husband as the ONLY man in your life as far as romance goes.

 

Start digging deep... what is it you got from the affair that you can't get from your husband.... The attention he gave you is easy .... what older man wound not be thrilled with a younger woman keen to have sex with him so freely.

 

You need to reconnect on an emotional level with your H to the point that doing what you did would disgust you.

 

You mentioned having sons ...... you know boys can loose so much respect for their mothers after she cheats. Mom is usually the one you can ALWAYS count on. Don't let them find out and look at you with contempt.... I've been told that's a horrible feeling by a WW I supported through infidelity.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs John Adams

Thank you, I felt hurt and sad reading your comment, you are right on a few things. Yes i will not have stop with older man hand not pull the plug, and that makes me ask myself why, why do i want him, why do i want to continue when my family means the world to me. I ask myself questions all the time "why" sometimes after meeting him i feel worse and emotionally drain from our conversations and some things he has said. I know he does not love me and i'm just a cheap outlet for sex. but why did i continued and a parts of me still wants to. Please tell me, how did you moved on emotionally from your affair?

 

First of all....my affair was very short....I was not emotionally "attached" to my AP.....nor was I physically "attached" to him. I was however emotionally and physically "attached" to my husband. So I did not grieve for the AP. I think a big part of me was relieved that It was over. I stopped all contact. I no longer had conversations with him. ...and I concentrated on my family.

 

You need to try to replace all thoughts of him with thoughts of what you are risking.

 

Why do you want him? What does he give you that your husband does not?

Be honest with yourself and delve deep into the reasons you got yourself into this position to begin with.

 

Is he worth the risk? Is he worth your family?

 

You know that I feel you need to become honest with yourself and with your husband. I recommended a book for you to read...how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It is 95 pages and you can download it free. Please take the time to read it.

[Robert]

Folks, there were 87 replies to this thread before moderation reviewed it. We have deleted 32 of them due to off-topic arguing and personal attacks. Over half a dozen infractions have been given.

 

From this post out, every post shall be on-topic and relate to the thread-starter's specific issues, or the poster will be receiving some time off from the site. This is not the thread to push your personal agendas.

 

Post to be supportive to the thread-starter, or find somewhere else to post.

 

Thank you to all that have posted to the topic and have been supportive so far.

 

~6

[Horton]

Seems to me the OP is NOT going to tell her BH the truth, so no amount of "He needs to know", is going to work.

It is HER marriage, HER kids, HER husband.

So whilst all can go back feeling morally happy if she took the advice to tell him, none here experience any of that fallout.

The OP, HER husband and HER kids will be left to pick up that fallout and that fallout, despite the moralisers here stating it is all better out in the open, it is often NOT "better" for the husband, who will most likely never trust anyone else ever again, nor "better" for the kids who will suffer in the midst of warring parents or have to change schools when they move home, or have to live with a depressed/suicidal single parent.

 

YES morally "right", but is all that trauma truly "better"?

 

OP, this reasoning ignores the most important aspect of your entire situation. That it's also HIS marriage, HIS kids and HIS wife. He is the victim here, does he not deserve the right to know the truth about his own marriage so that he can make an informed decision about how to live the rest of his life just as you get to do for your life? If not then why?

[elaine567]

OP, this reasoning ignores the most important aspect of your entire situation. That it's also HIS marriage, HIS kids and HIS wife. He is the victim here, does he not deserve the right to know the truth about his own marriage so that he can make an informed decision about how to live the rest of his life just as you get to do for your life? If not then why?

 

OK but SHE holds the key to future happiness for the husband and the family.

IF the affair is likely to be discovered, then I agree she probably needs to tell, but if it is highly unlikely ever to be discovered then I see no advantage in willingly ruining people's lives, lives that could be happy otherwise.

I see on another thread the discussion is about "triggering", that husband is still triggering 10 years later, another husband divorced but has taken his triggering into a new relationship, another on here is still triggering 30 years later, is that a good thing when ignorance could have saved them that torture?

The OP, as long as she has learned her lesson, can try to make this marriage work or she can walk away, but if she can spare her husband the torture of him finding out his wife cheated on him, then I see that as a bonus FOR HIM.

[RRM321]

Ending the affair and disclosing it to your spouse are two different stages - they are not ideally co-requisite. It's discovery that usually forces them to be.

 

A confessional model of honesty is irresponsible. It fails to respect the sensibilities of the person receiving the information and it's implications for what it will be like for them to live with the information.

 

Honesty is not transparency nor is it over-sharing. Intimacy should not be mistaken for fusion of two people. They are each unique and affairs are foremost about the self - not the marriage. To feel "alive" or "passionate" is a characterization of one's self - not a relationship.

 

Disclosure is about recovery - and a person who has not ended the affair is not working for recovery. Disclosure while still involved in the affair is not honesty it is something else.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ending the affair and disclosing it to your spouse are two different stages - they are not ideally co-requisite. It's discovery that usually forces them to be.

 

A confessional model of honesty is irresponsible. It fails to respect the sensibilities of the person receiving the information and it's implications for what it will be like for them to live with the information.

 

Honesty is not transparency nor is it over-sharing. Intimacy should not be mistaken for fusion of two people. They are each unique and affairs are foremost about the self - not the marriage. To feel "alive" or "passionate" is a characterization of one's self - not a relationship.

 

Disclosure is about recovery - and a person who has not ended the affair is not working for recovery. Disclosure while still involved in the affair is not honesty it is something else.

 

She has not ended the affair...

 

She is no longer having sex with this man...but she wants to. She still thinks about him....she still longs for him...she is still emotionally connected to him.

 

This affair is still happening. She has asked me how to withdraw....that means she is still attached.

 

One of the best ways to END an affair is confession....because it then makes you ACCOUNTABLE.

 

She has said that if this man wants her back...she will likely fall right back into his bed.

 

She is afraid...afraid to tell because she is afraid of her husbands reaction...yet she is not afraid enough to maintain no contact.

 

her boyfriend no longer wants her...so she wants to keep her husband and her family....but she is still willing to risk them yet again if the boyfriend wants her back.

 

That is emotional attachment....that is still cheating. This affair is far from over. It has not ended....and I am very afraid for her for many reasons.

[RRM321]

One of the best ways to END an affair is confession....because it then makes you ACCOUNTABLE.

 

This disrespects the sensibilities of the person receiving the information. It is selfish shame dumping upon an unwitting spouse by an ambivalent partner who's intentions are ambiguous.

 

There has to be a valid consideration of benefit to the receiver and their present disposition before you dump traumatic information in their lap.

 

"I don't know what I want" is an honest and compassionate disclosure to the BH.

 

"I cheated on you and I don't know what I want" is transparent cruelty.

 

 

The affair was wholly selfish. The disclosure should not be.

[road]

She has not ended the affair...

 

She is no longer having sex with this man...but she wants to. She still thinks about him....she still longs for him...she is still emotionally connected to him.

 

This affair is still happening. She has asked me how to withdraw....that means she is still attached.

 

One of the best ways to END an affair is confession....because it then makes you ACCOUNTABLE.

 

She has said that if this man wants her back...she will likely fall right back into his bed.

 

She is afraid...afraid to tell because she is afraid of her husbands reaction...yet she is not afraid enough to maintain no contact.

 

her boyfriend no longer wants her...so she wants to keep her husband and her family....but she is still willing to risk them yet again if the boyfriend wants her back.

 

That is emotional attachment....that is still cheating. This affair is far from over. It has not ended....and I am very afraid for her for many reasons.

 

 

This is why she will not leave that job to end her affair with her

co-worker/ OM. Her refusal to leave this job is her not willing to end the affair. If she did want to end the affair she would leave that job tomorrow so there would be NC with the OM.

[66Charger]

The only way you can say that a Affair will not likely be discovered, is if there is no digital footprint and the AP is dead. Anything less is cheaterthink101. How many times have we heard "I didnt think we would get caught or if I did you would forgive me"

 

What you are doing by nondisclosure is not protecting the BS, you are stealing.

 

Stealing their life, their efforts, their love. Stealing their choice to make a informed decision based on reality. Those that can live with that will recomend silence and use any sort of justification to convince themselves, even distorting the word honesty.

 

Here is a clue. It doesn't matter what twisted dictionary you use. You have no right to steal a persons life, based on WHAT YOU THINK WILL MAKE THEM "UNHAPPY". What???.

 

All the justifications are just BS. Not telling is based on 1 principle and 1 only. You are doing this to save yourself.

 

Just stop "being untruthfull" already.

Edited March 10, 2016 by 66Charger

[RRM321]

The only way you can say that a Affair will not likely be discovered, is if there is no digital footprint and the AP is dead. Anything less is cheaterthink101. How many times have we heard "I didnt think we would get caught or if I did you would forgive me"

 

What you are doing by nondisclosure is not protecting the BS, you are stealing.

 

Stealing their life, their efforts, their love. Stealing their choice to make a informed decision based on reality. Those that can live with that will recomend silence and use any sort of justification to convince themselves, even distorting the word honesty.

 

Here is a clue. It doesn't matter what twisted dictionary you use. You have no right to steal a persons life, based on WHAT YOU THINK WILL MAKE THEM "UNHAPPY". What???.

 

All the justifications are just BS. Not telling is based on 1 principle and 1 only. You are doing this to save yourself.

 

Just stop "being untruthfull" already.

 

 

You're not describing "truthfulness" you are describing confession which is something different.

 

Honesty is a responsible behavior - transparency is just irresponsible dumping.

 

A confession imposed upon the BS without consideration of their sensibility and capacity to hear it - is the more egregious hijacking of a person's life.

 

I think the OP should end the affair by ending the affair - not by inflicting trauma on a husband who has no professional support system in place and may still be completely unaware of any marital distress.

[123sadgirl]

This is why she will not leave that job to end her affair with her

co-worker/ OM. Her refusal to leave this job is her not willing to end the affair. If she did want to end the affair she would leave that job tomorrow so there would be NC with the OM.

 

who said i do not want to leave my job, i will give anything to leave my job and never his face again, at least that will help to move on quicker. You think i like to come to work everyday feeling scared and humiliated by seeing him. I have school fees to pay and two kids to feed. If i had no kids i will leave that job the next day.

[SoulStorm]

OP,

 

You seem to think that telling your husband is just a way to ease your guilt and place it on him. In a sense, you are doing that when you tell him about your infidelity. What you are also doing is giving him the right to make a decision about his life and who he is having that life with.

 

You both get to decide how your life will go on without this terrible secret lying just beneath the skin of your relationship.

 

Living with the guilt yourself is not entirely true. You will always have this secret that will prevent you from getting really close to your husband.

 

Then if you really look at it, you are not sparing him..you are sparing yourself from him finding out how you betrayed him.

 

Love is a tricky for some. True love does not hide in the shadow of secrets.Nor does it continue to deceive. So do you really love your husband?

 

Also maybe you should look at your real intentions for not telling. You want to continue on with this man sexually.

This man only cares about what he can get from you.

 

You ever think he broke it off because his wife was getting suspicious?

And if she finds out..there is a huge chance she will tell your husband herself.

 

You are doing too many things wrong..

 

1. You are cheating

 

2. You still wish to

 

3. You won't confess the truth to your husband

 

4. You don't really have No contact because you still work with this man

 

5. You are not putting your husband and children first. You are still pining for an overweight wrinkled forehead old man

 

If this is discovered by your husband..guilt will be the last thing you have to worry about. How about divorce by your husband..that would be way worse.

 

It has been proven that those who confessed their betrayal instead of getting caught had a higher chance at saving their marriage.Because it is not necessarily the betrayal that ends the marriage..it's all the lies involved

 

Stop destroying your marriage and start saving it.

 

We are just trying to help you see that huge steel wall that you are driving your life into...

[road]

who said i do not want to leave my job, i will give anything to leave my job and never his face again, at least that will help to move on quicker. You think i like to come to work everyday feeling scared and humiliated by seeing him. I have school fees to pay and two kids to feed. If i had no kids i will leave that job the next day.

 

 

Does your BH not have a job and make money?

[RRM321]

On the issue of trust and truth, when someone is so heavily invested in forcing one specific course of action for another person - it is rarely based in honesty.

[123sadgirl]

Update.. Been keeping my distant and avoiding him, i don't have any small chat or even hello. He tried a few times saying hello, i just said hi and just walk past. He said before he likes talking to me and one day we can be friends. I don't think i can. The pain gets worse each day and hopefully it will ease as times goes on.

[Bigdaddyt]

Sad girl, I have read your thread and I am sorry for your pain, but feel it is self induced. I think if you focus on your Husband and children and make them the center of your attention instead of this older [man] you will get over him and see him for what he truly is.

Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[RRM321]

Keep in mind that spirituality/religion often plays a major role in many people's recovery. Despite any rigid theological absolutes there are some realities to be considered.

 

You can't remain indefinitely with one foot in the sea and the other on the beach. Sooner or later you get wet or find sand in your jumper.

 

Your affair doesn't sound at all like your looking for a new partner, just a new version of you. I think you can find that at home if you get some help and pull your husband on board.

[123sadgirl]

@RRM321.. thank you for the support and all the kindness you have shown in your post to me. You right, i am not looking for a new partner, after having my last child i guess i wanted to feel validated and it has led to this. Every intelligence cell in my brain wanted to stop from day one. I just don't understand why i did continue till now. I need to find help to make me move on. I am weak and i need to know i don't need to do this anymore to feel validated.

[veryhappy]

If you hurt intensely after being rejected, it might have to do with how you grew up and therapy can help you.

 

 

Two thirds of affairs get discovered, so whoever tries to bully you into disclosure because their sense of fairness can't imagine someone "getting away with it" doesn't have a realistic view of the world. If there's no std risk or impending discovery, you have the option of not disclosing.

 

 

If you have a good m and h, focus on what you have.

[jenkins95]

If you hurt intensely after being rejected, it might have to do with how you grew up and therapy can help you.

 

 

Two thirds of affairs get discovered, so whoever tries to bully you into disclosure because their sense of fairness can't imagine someone "getting away with it" doesn't have a realistic view of the world. If there's no std risk or impending discovery, you have the option of not disclosing.

 

 

If you have a good m and h, focus on what you have.

 

Yes. If you are 100% committed to your husband, regret the affair and want to put it 100% behind you, you are not necessarily "living a lie" in my opinion, even if you don't disclose.

 

Yes, you are harbouring a dirty secret from your past, which may eat away at you with guilt at times. But to me the concept of "living a lie" reflects the present - your present state of mind, intentions, desires.

 

The answer as to whether you should disclose or not is not black and white and differs between individuals and couples. For some disclosing is essential for recovery, for others disclosure ruins everything.

[road]

Does your BH not have a job and make money?

 

 

Does your BH work and earn an income?