Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[RRM321]

@RRM321.. thank you for the support and all the kindness you have shown in your post to me. You right, i am not looking for a new partner, after having my last child i guess i wanted to feel validated and it has led to this. Every intelligence cell in my brain wanted to stop from day one. I just don't understand why i did continue till now. I need to find help to make me move on. I am weak and i need to know i don't need to do this anymore to feel validated.

 

If you're in pain, treat it as you would a serious medical pain and see someone about it. As another person pointed out, if you are feeling more pain over the rejection than you were about the affair itself, then what you call 'validation' is a vulnerability with roots somewhere else in your life.

 

This whole business can sound all so ethereal and who-do-voodoo but, in the most simple terms we grow up learning all kinds coping strategies for every day life. We're no more aware of these coping skills then we are our immune system. Should they start to fail us at any time - discovering the underlying issue takes as much effort as it would to find an infection.

 

It is not unusual to live in a happy marriage and hold our own misery at the same time. An affair is a marital problem but, the source of the problem isn't necessarily the marriage. Many, many people stay together after an affair, reconcile, and have a better life. This is contrary to the pop culture message that relationships are disposable if not perfect.

 

Good luck and good care!

[123sadgirl]

If you're in pain, treat it as you would a serious medical pain and see someone about it. As another person pointed out, if you are feeling more pain over the rejection than you were about the affair itself, then what you call 'validation' is a vulnerability with roots somewhere else in your life.

 

This whole business can sound all so ethereal and who-do-voodoo but, in the most simple terms we grow up learning all kinds coping strategies for every day life. We're no more aware of these coping skills then we are our immune system. Should they start to fail us at any time - discovering the underlying issue takes as much effort as it would to find an infection.

 

It is not unusual to live in a happy marriage and hold our own misery at the same time. An affair is a marital problem but, the source of the problem isn't necessarily the marriage. Many, many people stay together after an affair, reconcile, and have a better life. This is contrary to the pop culture message that relationships are disposable if not perfect.

 

Good luck and good care!

 

Thank you x

[66Charger]

Since we are distorting honesty, and speculating on the state of the BS and the chance that the affair will come to light, what are the odds that this WS ends back in the affair.

 

50/50? He is on her again already. He has access to her on a daily basis. He is a married cheater. HE IS GOING TO TRY AGAIN. She is lying to her husband and wants to hear those who say continue lying to her husband is OK. She thanks them for this. . This affair is not over. And she s counseled to continue to play with fire. Amazing.

 

Chances of getting caught. Many say that lots of affairs are never discovered. This is true, but this is a different time. Prior to the digital age, unless you were physically caught, your chances of disclosure were slim. The question is, have you ever sent emails discussing the affair? Text? Sext? Have you ever plugged your phone into a desktop? Have you ever downloaded a app that asked for access to contacts and emails (all of them do). Have you ever traded in your phone? Since this A is at the workplace, does your workplace have security cameras? Has security watched you 2 frolic. Has your AP talked?

 

Have you ever wrote about your affair on a public forum, viewed by thousands?

 

After you have answered all these questions, you must then ask them of your AP.

 

Its a different world, today. Others probably know.

 

Roll the dice, if you think that is best and live the rest of your life praying this never comes to light. This is what the OP wanted to hear and those who can live with DISHONESTY, were more than happy to oblige.

 

Last question for those recommending silence. Would you agree to all this if YOU WERE THE OP HUSBAND? Dont be a hypocrite. If you recommend this, you should be willing to accept that YOUR WIFE be allowed to keep the same secret from you, based on what SHE thinks your emotional state is.

So, railroad and jenkins, is it ok for your spouse? Or, since we are talking about "honesty" is this really about your justification of what YOU WOULD DO since you visited the dark side also.

 

I will take my leave and wish good luck....to her husband.

Edited March 11, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mirage10]

Since we are distorting honesty, and speculating on the state of the BS and the chance that the affair will come to light, what are the odds that this WS ends back in the affair.

 

50/50? He is on her again already. He has access to her on a daily basis. He is a married cheater. HE IS GOING TO TRY AGAIN. She is lying to her husband and wants to hear those who say continue lying to her husband is OK. She thanks them for this. . This affair is not over. And she s counseled to continue to play with fire. Amazing.

Yup, the mind boggles! Not only agree to what you have said, but why would a woman stray from what we have been told is a handsome, good, husband and father, beautiful family, etc. for an much older guy, a cheap thrill at work? And somehow her actions seem to be sugar-coated or lightly glanced over to some degree. Complaining that she received no Christmas or birthday gifts from "Old Man" at work.....unbelievable...

 

Poor husband and kids for that matter.

[Mr Blunt]

By OP

 

I know he does not love me and i'm just a cheap outlet for sex. but why did i continued and a parts of me still wants to.

You are right he is treating you as a cheap outlet for sex. I am telling you this truth in hopes that you will be so angry at how he has helped you degrade yourself that you will take lots of actions to get better.

 

 

What are you doing besides this internet forum to address your problems? This internet forum has some very good people and experienced but I think you need more.

 

 

 

You tell us how much you want to get over the OM but you are very weak and need to use all resources that you can. That means professional help, family members, friends, books-CDs, and your faith to name just a few.

 

 

You are a very valuable woman as you have two children that you are their God until they get a lot older. Then you can be one of a few people that can really love them not what they accomplish in their schooling and vacation but because they are your children, period! . You can also be the person that can love them when they do something so very selfish that hurts others. You can do that because if you get a lot stronger you can have that deep emotional connection to your child that has done something terrible. Not many other people have that possible ability with your own children. A mother has a GREAT impact on their children!

 

 

 

You have damaged yourself very badly but you can get a LOT better so GET GOING! Next time you post tell us what you are doing to address your problems other than what you have done on this forum.

 

Talk and emotional support are a good start but you also need ACTIONS.

Edited March 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[123sadgirl]

@66charger.. I am not only listening or reading the ones telling me to keep silent, I am reading all comments. It helps not everyone is being harsh but the reality the truth must be told.

 

@Burnt.. I am seeing my psychologist again and talking to him and both husband and I will go in after some session alone by myself. Yes I do hate myself and wants to be a good mum to my children.

 

@Mirage10... I totally agree with you, it mind boggles, it not funny, I cannot believe myself too, what an idiot I think I am sometimes.

[123sadgirl]

I have posted in the infidelity forum about my affair with another a MM. I am also married. I have got some harsh comments about how selfish i am and i should tell my husband. MM ended the affair because he feels guilty and wants to stop after a year, and i believe he stopped because i questioned him because he never once did anything nice for me, not even on my birthday. I have not contacted him for two weeks now, it harder because we work in the same company but i keep out of his way. He said wants to stay friends and he likes talking to me. I do not think i could, so i have stopped talking to him. I wants to move on and will keep trying to. It been very hard emotionally, i have been crying and feeling so lost and wants him back, but i cannot go on like that, knowing he does not even care enough to do anything nice for me. My question is, did your MM ever did anything nice for you?? why he never thought of even getting me a small gift for Christmas or birthday?? when i think of that i feel upset and hurt that he treated me so cheaply i was not even good enough for him to think of doing something nice for me. I will like to hear from OW.. hopefully that will help me on moving on.. There was no talks of him leaving his wife and children, he actually tells me how much he loves his wife and they have amazing sex life.. that makes me wonder why he was sleeping with me for a year... why he still wants to be friends knowing how hard it will be for me...

[privategal]

I did get gift cards for coffee, it was something we both did for eachother.

Beyond that, no gifts.

You xMM either thought his affection was enough, or his W watched his bank statements and could see his purchases, or he was using you for sex and did not wish for romance and emotiinal connection, hence no gifts.

He loves his wife & has great sex with her, Id say THAT is your reason to abstain from going forward with him.

At least he didnt lie about that.

He feels guilty and wants to go back to not being a cheater, it is weighing on him so yes, do not go back and continue strict NC.

[Adoraxx]

I have posted in the infidelity forum about my affair with another a MM. I am also married. I have got some harsh comments about how selfish i am and i should tell my husband. MM ended the affair because he feels guilty and wants to stop after a year, and i believe he stopped because i questioned him because he never once did anything nice for me, not even on my birthday. I have not contacted him for two weeks now, it harder because we work in the same company but i keep out of his way. He said wants to stay friends and he likes talking to me. I do not think i could, so i have stopped talking to him. I wants to move on and will keep trying to. It been very hard emotionally, i have been crying and feeling so lost and wants him back, but i cannot go on like that, knowing he does not even care enough to do anything nice for me. My question is, did your MM ever did anything nice for you?? why he never thought of even getting me a small gift for Christmas or birthday?? when i think of that i feel upset and hurt that he treated me so cheaply i was not even good enough for him to think of doing something nice for me. I will like to hear from OW.. hopefully that will help me on moving on.. There was no talks of him leaving his wife and children, he actually tells me how much he loves his wife and they have amazing sex life.. that makes me wonder why he was sleeping with me for a year... why he still wants to be friends knowing how hard it will be for me...

 

He wants to stay friends with you because he wants to keep you on the backburner, just in case he wants something from you. Same here!! And interestingly enough, my MM also always said that he loves his wife ("I'm crazy about her") and that their sex life is good.

 

My MM never did anything nice for me either. No birthday gifts, oh wait , not even happy birthday wishes! No Christmas gifts, no Valentine gifts, nothing. But he expected me to take whatever little crumb he threw at me, never mind that it was next to nothing.

 

MM's like your MM and my MM always end things when we start questioning things. And then they pretend that they end it because they feel oh so guilty but I think it's not really all that much about feeling guilty, but more about the OW who starts to asks questions. My MM always got very mad when I asked questions!!

 

MM also lied that he wants to stay friends but it's another one of his lies because it's not true. He also lied that he'll still come by and visit but he never does. It's really hard for you that you work at the same company!! My MM (xMM) is my neighbor so that's hard too, but it can be done. Try to avoid him as much as possible

 

Hope you feel better soon xx

[Grey Cloud]

My xMM sounds very similar. No gifts etc. when my birthday rolled around he said he thought about getting me something but obviously didn't! I got him something for his birthday (months later) and he seemed truly surprised that I went and got something for him as he didn't expect it. We didn't exchange Christmas gifts. I know he was buying gifts for his wife though.

 

In the beginning he did pay for a few lunches (we worked together) but I insisted on paying my share and we went 50/50 after that. He used to pay by credit card and then started paying everything by cash so there was no record of things.

 

He also loved his w and had a good sex life with her. Our a was mainly emotional but when it turned physical he said it did affect his sex life at home (he didn't want to do it with her as often but that could have been lies as well).

 

My xMM started backing off not because I questioned him but because his wife did. She was suspicious and was watching him like a hawk. He said he felt guilty. I think when the questioning starts (either by the w or OW), the risk starts outweighing the rewards. Suddenly it's not as fun anymore and they pull away.

 

My xMM wanted to stay friends too and said he would respect NC for me but I could contact him whenever I wanted. I said I would never contact him again. It was too hard leaving the door open even a little crack.

 

It's best you cut your losses and move on. Focus back on your h if you think your m is worth saving. That is what your MM has decided to do - refocus on his m. It's hard when it ends but it truly is for the best.

[Satu]

He's where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with, and you are a person on the outside looking in.

 

Does he buy his wife presents? Of couse he does.

 

Does he celebrate his wife's birthday? Of course he does.

 

How about you.

 

Do you buy your husband presents?

 

Do you celebrate his birthday?

[imsosad]

I am also a married woman,who had am affair with a married man.

I can tell you are completely focused on him,and id like to ask you,what is going on in your marriage?

I ended my A almost a year ago, during that time I shifted my attention back to my marriage. Ultimarely, the affair is a diversion from the real issues.

I cant say it was easy, i was in a lot of pain. I still miss him. On the whole,though, it is a relief.

How long did you want to go on with the A? Were you hoping you would both leave your spouses?

I did not tell my husband. I ended it , we never had sex (or close), i learned my lesson. Besides pain to my partner,i didnt see any clear outcome.

To answer your question, my ex AP did do nice things for me, like bring lunches to my workplace, run errands for me. he also bought me some nice gifts,which are kind of painful to look at now. So yes, lots of attention and presents but at the end of the day, we both went home to other people. It is just a screwed up situation, no amount of sugarcoating can fix it.

Be strong, think about what you were getting from this affair and how to do it in a healthy way.

Affairs just break your heart,one way or the other.

[William]

Moderation bookmark to denote merge of two threads on a similar topic and a move of that content, per allowed choice by thread starter, to OM/OW forum.

 

It also appears by quick review, this thread has received a number of sanctions and I noticed at least one member banned so 'harsh' is something we'll direct members to avoid from this point out. Disagreements and opinions on topical content are fine and all members, regardless of viewpoint, are to be treated with civility and respect. This promotes healthier discussions and retains member's privileges to post on our forum.

 

There may be some duplicate content but I left all visible posts from the merge visible. Please continue! Thanks!

[MatSweetMay]

My AP (not married, but has a live-in gf) did nice things for me (not material, he knows I wouldn't accept) like cleaning the snow on my driveway, text messages for Mother's Day and other holidays (we stayed away from each other on Valentine's Day on purpose). When he knew I had a cold he checked in on me more often and I did the same when he was sick or when he had a car accident.

He protected my feelings by never telling me about his relationship (even though he ranted once that there is no love there and he's gonna move on once they settle their financial situation). And I never asked about his "other" life, I don't want to know because it won't change the reality of our situation.

I try to stay away from showing or receiving too much affection (it's hard, we don't always succeed). He was mean to me just once: he was hurt because I reminded him of the reality (I'm a free woman, available to date and eventually find a bf) and he was very hurt by that. But the only thing he did was to tell me that he's letting me go to find that man that I want, which in turn hurt me because I don't want to be left to go :-)

 

 

Your MM sounds very callous. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings, not even enough to keep you close until the next sex romp.

What you decide to do is for you to decide and there should be no judgement from anyone on the OW/OM forum (come on people, we've all done stupid things in life).

But I think him breaking off the A is a blessing in disguise. You don't need a man like that in your life, not even as aquaintance, much less as AP. If he doesn't make you happy, he doesn't meet your needs, he's not worth keeping.

 

He wants to stay friends for 2 reasons: he's leaving the door opened for when he needs an ego boost/sex with someone else thank the wife; and to keep you calm and in check so you don't do something stupid like tell the wife, or other people you work with.

 

 

Be brave and continue NC as much as possible, until you clear your head and get out of the affair fog. Good luck!

[aliveagain]

This is the reality of your life and only you can control the outcome. Your affair will have to be dealt with at some point in your life. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to explain to the people that matter to you and the worse you will look. The pain for those being hurt will be the same today or 20 years from now. Soft Cell's "Tainted Love", you should Google the words to the song, it may help you understand the other side.

[tillwemeetagain]

different MM different cases and status.. so don't bother about other MM treating their OW good end of the day we are all the same all the same commits being OW and its good for yourself that you already ended it.

[turnera]

123, I'm curious. And I'm asking you seriously, for a serious answer.

 

Why do YOU think your MM is seeing you?

[123sadgirl]

He wants to stay friends with you because he wants to keep you on the backburner, just in case he wants something from you. Same here!! And interestingly enough, my MM also always said that he loves his wife ("I'm crazy about her") and that their sex life is good.

 

My MM never did anything nice for me either. No birthday gifts, oh wait , not even happy birthday wishes! No Christmas gifts, no Valentine gifts, nothing. But he expected me to take whatever little crumb he threw at me, never mind that it was next to nothing.

 

MM's like your MM and my MM always end things when we start questioning things. And then they pretend that they end it because they feel oh so guilty but I think it's not really all that much about feeling guilty, but more about the OW who starts to asks questions. My MM always got very mad when I asked questions!!

 

MM also lied that he wants to stay friends but it's another one of his lies because it's not true. He also lied that he'll still come by and visit but he never does. It's really hard for you that you work at the same company!! My MM (xMM) is my neighbor so that's hard too, but it can be done. Try to avoid him as much as possible

 

Hope you feel better soon xx

 

Thank you sharing your story with me, your mm sound same like my exMM.. I have not talk or contact mine still, but I still check my emails. The pain is unbearable some days.. But I will keep strong.. Are you still with your MM?

[123sadgirl]

123, I'm curious. And I'm asking you seriously, for a serious answer.

 

Why do YOU think your MM is seeing you?

 

Hmmm , for sex only I guess, but I think I got myself too emotionally involved

[123sadgirl]

I have no one to vent or talk to ... sorry I 'm writing the same thing again....

 

It been three weeks now since NC with MM. We work together in the same building so it been really hard, I have not seen him these past few days till today when he walk past my office. I was expecting to feel nothing hoping I was healing. Instead I felt my heart skip at the sight of seeing him. I looked away and did not acknowledged him.

 

I Just don't know why I still desired him, it makes no sense to me. I have been thru hell and back with my emotions I don't want to go back into the affair again, as my common sense tells. But heart will not let go and I still miss him. He has not reached out too, which is good and painful at the same time. Good because it shows I did not mean much to him and he has really moved on. The pain of loss I have been feeling makes me wonder if he feels the same.. I will not break my NC contact because I felt I was a cheap outlet for sex for him and just when I asked why he never does anything nice for me, he just dumped me like I'm nothing stating he feel quilt and wants to end it. I will rather go thru this pain than to let myself be treated this way. I have been looking for new jobs and hopefully something comes up soon.....

[turnera]

Hmmm , for sex only I guess, but I think I got myself too emotionally involved

One downfall I see in many females is thinking that men think like we women do. They don't. No offense to the men here, but many men truly do think with their 'other brain.' They let their libido guide their choices. I can name at least five men that my husband has worked with who have NO PROBLEM screwing as many women as will let them - even if the man is married. One guy was screwing another woman a month after he got married. Another guy is keeping his wife here while he moves to another state, and he goes to South America 4 or 5 times a year to rent out a 'party house' that he fills with hookers, and brings as many male friends and coworkers as are willing to pitch in a few thousand dollars for a weeklong orgy.

 

I could go on...and on...and on.

 

But the point is, you may find men who will respect you and want only you. They are out there.

 

But those men? They don't screw women other than their wives.

 

Erego, the man YOU have been having sex with? He's one of the FIRST kind of men I described. You will never be more than a body to put his member in to him. To him, the fact that you're willing to debase yourself that way instantly puts you in the 'who cares about her?' category.

 

Learn how to deserve better, 123.

[123sadgirl]

One downfall I see in many females is thinking that men think like we women do. They don't. No offense to the men here, but many men truly do think with their 'other brain.' They let their libido guide their choices. I can name at least five men that my husband has worked with who have NO PROBLEM screwing as many women as will let them - even if the man is married. One guy was screwing another woman a month after he got married. Another guy is keeping his wife here while he moves to another state, and he goes to South America 4 or 5 times a year to rent out a 'party house' that he fills with hookers, and brings as many male friends and coworkers as are willing to pitch in a few thousand dollars for a weeklong orgy.

 

I could go on...and on...and on.

 

But the point is, you may find men who will respect you and want only you. They are out there.

 

But those men? They don't screw women other than their wives.

 

Erego, the man YOU have been having sex with? He's one of the FIRST kind of men I described. You will never be more than a body to put his member in to him. To him, the fact that you're willing to debase yourself that way instantly puts you in the 'who cares about her?' category.

 

Learn how to deserve better, 123.

 

Thank you Turnera....lesson learned- will never have an affair again, no matter how boring and mundane my normal life is. I felt i was more into it than him emotionally and he always looks at me so tenderly and i made myself believe he liked me. The signs were all there, i was just a booty call for him and i chose to ignored it. He always claimed he is never cheated before on his wife and this is his first time, but he is too calm and collected with his emotions to be his first victim as per say. Sad but i still miss him

[123sadgirl]

All day i have been trying so hard not to break my NC.. But i feel i want to hear his voice and ask him if it hard for him.. I'm trying so hard not to.

 

Did you regret breaking your NC ?? Please tell me some hard truths to stop me...

[Adoraxx]

Whenever I broke NC, I got to hear how fabulous he is doing.

He also said things like:

 

* "Oh yes, I do like it that we have no contact. At least then there are no arguments and discussions. It's so nice and quiet!" (never mind that there were barely any arguments/ discussions but he always wanted to disappear without me tentatively asking about it)

 

* "I'm doing great! I much prefer running into you than coming to see you"

 

* "Oh I will come see you some time. You just have to be patient."

 

* "I will come visit you some day, ok" (he never did)

 

* "I'm not ignoring you. If I would be ignoring you, I would pretend that I didn't see you now." (when I asked why he is ignoring me)

 

And all this combined with a big, big smile on his old face!

 

Whenever I want to break NC, and when I think of sending him an email, I think of the smug look on his face if I would send him something.

And the horrible responses that I will most likely get.

[mudbloodgirl14]

I broke NC for many times and it just made me feel worse because nothing has changed.. Now I'm in my Day 28 of NC...I know its not really easy but you have to be strong for yourself..