Tips on Working with ExMM and staying NC

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi MidnightBlue... I feel the same as you sometimes when I am in the angry mode. He walks around like he is king and just getting on with his life like nothing had happened. Many times i have felt i will confess to my husband and tell her too.

 

My best friend told me it a low blow and i should heal myself and remove him from my head. It really hard to not think about the whole thing.

 

I feel hurt and stupid for getting myself into it in the first place. I am an idiot and selfish for hurting my family and they don't even know.

 

I truly believe you cannot heal from this unless you tell your husband. This is not some business trip one night stand. All this torment you are putting yourself through is distancing yourself from your husband. I'm guessing you are not going to tell him, just my opinion.

 

You are not an idiot, you will just gullible and your boundaries were weak, again, why you need to figure out what is wrong with your marriage.

 

While I still see him, it is 90 minutes once a week and I flat out ignore his very existence. I could not imagine having to work with him. That must be very difficult.

[123sadgirl]

I don't know what will be the outcome will be when i confess, i will talk to my doctor when i see her and will work towards that.

 

It so really horrible seeing him every day, I'm a little bit lucky my office is away from his, but i have to walk past his office sometimes. And i also make sure to go for lunch when i know he will not be there.

It really horrible. not worth it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know what will be the outcome will be when i confess, i will talk to my doctor when i see her and will work towards that.

 

It so really horrible seeing him every day, I'm a little bit lucky my office is away from his, but i have to walk past his office sometimes. And i also make sure to go for lunch when i know he will not be there.

It really horrible. not worth it.

 

It's such a relief to confess. Honestly. Your husband will go nuts and life will be horrible there for a while but in the end, whichever way it goes, its just better. You will basically be giving up all the control and letting him decide what he wants, it's freeing honestly. I was prepared to go either way. Otherwise you are keeping someone there under false pretenses and it can never get better without honesty. Again, I am in the middle on the whole telling thing. One slip up, I would rather not know. My husband in the throws of agony like you are, (and he has been), I want to know. On a weird level, he is my best friend, I want to know. It is my right.

 

Worst case scenario. Your H up and divorces you. Play it out, is it worse than this? At least its change, something changing. You are so stuck.

 

As for xmm, your H may want you to leave. He may tell the wife. Just accept it all and let it play out. It will bring you freedom and peace in the end.

 

You know, I was such a mess for almost ayear over all this. Now I am not going to lie, I feel a bit stupid and hurt when I see him, but its nothing like before. I was suicidal. And my biggest fear was judgement, people knowing. And you know what? I don't care now. I'm human, I made a mistake. Plus I learned nothing is ever as bad as you think it will be. I ended up telling a few of guys in my group and you know what, no one really cared, they didn't judge me. We are all human and fallible.

 

Your biggest problem is you are stuck and trapped by fear. You need to smash that fear. End it. Set yourself free. Wouldn't that be nice, to be free of all this?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't like that mm gets away with this and his wife is clueless. If it was my husband, I would want to know. You know he is going to go on and just do it again. I'm not saying it is your place to tell her but it just bothers me that these guys....they all get away with it.

 

I know - I just wish I would have encouraged my husband to tell his wife on Dday instead of protecting him. My husband, now, wants to just focus on us and not let anything else come into the walls we are putting up around us (best way to describe it). Or in other words I Think he wants no more drama.

 

As for MM- yeah he will have another affair because i doubt he learned anything from this one. Eventually he will get caught - but good news is it wont be with me!

[HeCantBreakMe]

HeCantBreakMe... Thank you so much for taking the time to write, I always read your posts and i have read your threads too. Your threads makes me feel i can do it too, and not go back into it again.

 

I have thought many times to confess the whole thing to my husband too, at least that will definitely closed the door. But I'm scared, and i feel it not fair to create pain for my family as i have already done. I feel bad, and my punishment is my silence in suffering alone.

 

I am seeing a counselor next week and i hope it help me work through this horrible part of my life.

 

The hard part is still working together as you know, the anxiety and the stress of seeing him everyday at work that makes me tired. I will not break NC but am I strong to resist if he does. I do not think he would because i have been so cold, it my way of keeping away. And it been 4 weeks of NC and I'm stronger than before.

 

Thank you again HeCantBreakMe, and I hope when you move on from your work place, you will be able to heal better and look back and smile how lucky you are that part of your life is over.xoxo

 

Sadgirl- the anxiety and stress of seeing MM at work is terrible and if you do not have your husband/partner/best friend there for you chances are high you will end up back in the affair. For me, my husband being able to understand the situation and allowing me to talk about it was incredibly helpful in us continuing to build our connection. Prior to him knowing I was drowning in pain, sorrow, hurt, guilt, and no one understood or knew what i was going through BUT MM- so where was I going to take this bucket of feelings? - well it couldn't be to my husband because he didn't comprehend the enormity of the situation because i never allowed him to.

 

One thing I have learned is that the best feeling comes when you do not let fear rule your life. Doing the right thing takes courage - it truly does and once you have the courage to do the honest thing it will throw a wall up between you and MM - and open a window into your marriage.

 

I am going to tell you none of this is easy. Some days I am doing amazing and others i miss MM and I get so tired I allow the thoughts to consume me but i have a lot of fight in me and I think you do too.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sadgirl- the anxiety and stress of seeing MM at work is terrible and if you do not have your husband/partner/best friend there for you chances are high you will end up back in the affair. For me, my husband being able to understand the situation and allowing me to talk about it was incredibly helpful in us continuing to build our connection. Prior to him knowing I was drowning in pain, sorrow, hurt, guilt, and no one understood or knew what i was going through BUT MM- so where was I going to take this bucket of feelings? - well it couldn't be to my husband because he didn't comprehend the enormity of the situation because i never allowed him to.

 

One thing I have learned is that the best feeling comes when you do not let fear rule your life. Doing the right thing takes courage - it truly does and once you have the courage to do the honest thing it will throw a wall up between you and MM - and open a window into your marriage.

 

I am going to tell you none of this is easy. Some days I am doing amazing and others i miss MM and I get so tired I allow the thoughts to consume me but i have a lot of fight in me and I think you do too.

 

You can trust me on this - the day will come when he feels like a stranger to you (even if you see him) and you honestly do not miss him. In fact you can't even remember what it was like to talk to him let alone kiss him. It starts to feel like it never happened, another lifetime. And if I feel like this, everyone can.

[123sadgirl]

I have bad days where i feel helpless and want to break NC. Please share your stories on how you stay strong on NC.

 

Please can we not attack each other on this thread, we here to support each other. We may not agree but we can voice our minds in a kind way.

[Satu]

I could stay NC because I made a cast iron commitment to being a friend to myself.

 

I realised that no person was worth more pain.

 

I also got into therapy and journalled every day.

 

 

Take care.

[123sadgirl]

First, good for you for posting here instead of contacting..that takes strength.

 

Second, distractions are your best friend right now. There's honestly no special trick to it..you just have to distract yourself and eventually the sadness will pass and turn into anger, and then indifference.

 

Third, I think that's a great idea about not letting this thread devolve into negativity. Don't forget that you can block anyone you want here..that's what I did!

 

we may not always agree, but we don't need attack each other in a vindicitive way. My last thread turned into a war zone. Hopefully we can support each other here without another war:)

 

I have been keeping myself busy and also telling myself it wrong..the affair thing...

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Edited November 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have bad days where i feel helpless and want to break NC. Please share your stories on how you stay strong on NC.

 

Please can we not attack each other on this thread, we here to support each other. We may not agree but we can voice our minds in a kind way.

 

Well right now his wife is reading every email and text he gets before he does, so that really makes it easy for me to stay NC. But before that, it was tough. I would be strong for a few months at a time but one of us would contact the other and we would start communicating, it would always quickly end up with me upset and yelling.

 

I guess my advice would be to try and remember how crappy you feel after you break NC. You get the high but the lows are so low. Nothing changes, all you are doing is keeping yourself stuck. I look back and think, if I had only stuck with it in Sept 2015, I would not be here today. So once again I have a new chance come end of this month to start over. I will do it because I do not want to look back a year from now and think, if only I had broken all contact when he left in 11/16.

[123sadgirl]

Well right now his wife is reading every email and text he gets before he does, so that really makes it easy for me to stay NC. But before that, it was tough. I would be strong for a few months at a time but one of us would contact the other and we would start communicating, it would always quickly end up with me upset and yelling.

 

I guess my advice would be to try and remember how crappy you feel after you break NC. You get the high but the lows are so low. Nothing changes, all you are doing is keeping yourself stuck. I look back and think, if I had only stuck with it in Sept 2015, I would not be here today. So once again I have a new chance come end of this month to start over. I will do it because I do not want to look back a year from now and think, if only I had broken all contact when he left in 11/16.

 

Hello MDB:) yes i keep thinking of all the bad stuff and it keeping strong, yourself and Cyra support has really helped me.

My new hobby is a bit expensive but it helps..online shopping ...

[freengreen]

Break NC and all these days you have dragged, minute by minute go down the drain.

 

It simply puts you in square one. Right back. You have to drag even more next time and it gets multiplied everytime you break NC. You have dragged enuf, dont bring yourself to square one.

[123sadgirl]

Break NC and all these days you have dragged, minute by minute go down the drain.

 

It simply puts you in square one. Right back. You have to drag even more next time and it gets multiplied everytime you break NC. You have dragged enuf, dont bring yourself to square one.

 

I love this ,it so true:)

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's hard, I hear you.

 

I've been in NC/LC for over three months now. I post here when it's really hard. I made a list of things I want to do....hobbies - new and old ones, new things/experiences to try, reading list, movies to watch, road trips with friends, beautiful vacation just for me that I just returned from, going to the gym regularly, eating and living healthy, etc...I hope it paints the picture.

 

Still, hard and lonely days inevitably come. I let them be, can't fight it when it comes. I cry sometimes, write down my feelings, and remember all the lonely nights, weekends, holidays, vacations that I spent alone and lonely while being in a so-called "relationship".

 

He reached out several times over the past 3+ months, and I had as well when it got really unbearable. But, the longer you stay away from it all, the more impossible it becomes to go back.

 

He reached out three weeks or so ago. We started chatting, but after a day or so, I got upset and fired back some really nasty texts, which I no longer regret or feel sorry for. I was just speaking the truth and calling it as it is, while all his lines were more of the same crap. As I was reading them I almost felt a sense of panic to go back into even just communicating with him. Because, whichever type of contact you maintain - you continue to be hidden, dirty, little secret.

 

After a while of not engaging in any contact, even tough you feel sad, devastated and lonely....there comes this sense of peace or calmness where you are almost content with your life as it is, without him. I'm not sure I'm explaining it eloquently enough...the point is, time heals even tough it seems invisible as you are going through it.

 

No one will judge you if you have a really, really bad day or night and you reach out to him. Breaking NC is not "starting a nuclear war" (copyright by LemonDrop ). If you stay the course long enough, breaking NC doesn't put you back to square one, as long as you revert the course of your healing back to it.

 

It gets better. Just don't give up!

[Forever broken]

I have been in no contact for 14 months even though we still work together. There are nights that I have cried and attempted to reach out to him because I still love him and well am only human.

 

But I remember all I went through when it blew up. The embarrassment it cost me and my family. I can still picture the hurt in my mom's eyes. How he treated me after the affair was discovered by his wife. How he proved everyone around me right about his true intentions.

 

After 14 months, I have come along way and will continue to work harder in maintaining no contact. I deserve someone who will love and cherish me and is afraid to lose me than him, and so do you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I looked you up sadgirl and I think your xmm ended your year affair in March 16, am I correct?

You can't stay there, working together. I'm telling you, you need a plan for change, you are never going to get better. I'm living proof.

I am not sure if you told your husband, I think you didn't, but either way, you just have to believe me, do you want to feel like this in Nov 2017?

I get it better than anyone, but I finally was looking to transfer in October and as you probably read, his wife busted into his phone and realized he sold her a pack of lies and is removing him end of this month.

 

What is your plan? You need a plan to get out of this pit in the ground because what you are doing is not working.

[Marc878]

If you have contact with MM you will cave again at some point.

 

Affairs are addictions. You get the addict around the source you will get a relapse.

 

He will be back for more. They always do. Hes only getting what you're giving.

 

Find another job.

[freengreen]

you invested far more emotional energy into it than he did

THIS

 

I did it too , only difference ?, I gave lavish gifts in exchange to emotional coaster. Yeah I know, way to go. I dont know if he was around for me or for the gifts or for me ( i stroke off chances of sex thou). I am in the same space as you struggling to keep NC. Its hard its painful but then I ask.. Why did I even get into him?Its not like he loves me (people who love you might make you sad now and then but when you are sad, they are sad too they dont make you sit in the rollercoaster alone). I love my husband and he loves me even after the d day... and I am going over pain for this 2nd man who I dont know if he even cares.... God! cest la effing vie.

 

 

Just get out, for the sake of your sanity.

Edited November 13, 2016 by freengreen

[123sadgirl]

THIS

 

I did it too , only difference ?, I gave lavish gifts in exchange to emotional coaster. Yeah I know, way to go. I dont know if he was around for me or for the gifts or for me ( i stroke off chances of sex thou). I am in the same space as you struggling to keep NC. Its hard its painful but then I ask.. Why did I even get into him?Its not like he loves me (people who love you might make you sad now and then but when you are sad, they are sad too they dont make you sit in the rollercoaster alone). I love my husband and he loves me even after the d day... and I am going over pain for this 2nd man who I dont know if he even cares.... God! cest la effing vie.

 

 

Just get out, for the sake of your sanity.

 

Hi freengreen; I know the pain and dilemma you in, it makes no sense to an outsider why you will feel anything for a man who do not care. You need to be strong and kind to yourself. It more painful feeling like **** while in the affair, it better feeling out of it, even though it hurts. You will feel better once you make the decision to leave. First few days and weeks are will be very hard, but as time goes you will gain some self control back and feel.

 

One step at a time.x

[123sadgirl]

The Truth: An affair can truly end if you become the master of your fate and decides you will never go back there again. NC is very hard and painful as we all know. It is 6 weeks of NC for me and as some days are harder and good, it depends on me if that road is ever revisited again.

 

Working at the same place makes it harder but as my therapist said, I am in control of what I want my mind and body to do. Since the end I made it clear to exMM I do not want any contact or social exchange between us. We should both respect the boundaries and move on. From day one of end day, he makes the point to say hello to me every time we bump into each other. I asked my therapist why he will do that knowing that it upset me. She said he is selfish and he is doing that because that his way of dealing with the end, knowing that I am still there, and testing to see if there is possibility of a comeback.

 

Well the old me by now will be calling after a few days of previous ends. But this time I said to myself enough is enough. No matter how hard it is and how much I miss the high, it not worth all that pain.

Yesterday he came around to see me and asked if I am okay and happy. I felt nothing because I have made up my mind.

 

It just open my eyes to see most time it is OW who does all the chasing, that why it keeps going on. But if we stop the chasing, there is a big chance after they have tried a few times, they will stop and go away. So far it has worked for me. Be the master of your own fate and decide if you want in or out. It the only way out. Have no expectations for closure, because the all thing was based on a lie anyway, how can we expect any truth.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Think like an Olympic athlete. They train their bodies and minds. They are laser focused on an end goal - the gold medal. Nothing will get in their way of this achievement.

 

Now, tossing away a loser MM should seem like an easy task, but we need to retrain our minds. The old sports adage...no pain, no gain.

[BenchCoach]

Glad to hear that you've finally made a positive step; the affair seems to be coming to a close.

 

Now, is there any chance you will be confessing this mess to your unbeknownst husband? Don't you think he deserves to know the truth about his marriage? In other words, will you try to "right" the "wrong" that was done to him, or will you rationalize this and give that lame excuse- "I don't want to hurt him," as a cop-out?