heartbroken and devestated

[lostandempty1971]

Hi

My wife left me 6 months ago after our 25 year marriagei was so crushed by her leaving.for the first 3 months she told me that she still loves me and that she is coming back home but not until we have sorted ourselves out . then after the 3 months she rang me and told me she wasnt coming back.i am in so much pain then 2 days ago i found out she is with another man. its only been six months. she has refused to talk to me for about 2 months except through my 10 year old son and only to ask for money usualy wich is fine , i love my kids and i would not hold back on what they need.

I love my wife so much and i miss her so bad i have i cry every single day, at work i cant co0ncentrate and i think about losing her to another man with out at least talking about our marriage and trying to resolve the issues, i start to cry and have to hide somewhere so no one sees me.It is all just too much for me to cope with and i just dont know what to do anymore.

all our friends have abandonded me , nobody answers my calls txt or email even my best friend from before i met my wife . My oldest son wont talk to her and has deleted her from his facebook because her and her new partner are making fun of me and saying horrible things.

I just cant stand it anymore. ive tried moving on but i just cant i love her too much.

[Fearful]

Love your tormentor. She just did not live you for another man three or six months ago. She have been cheating on you for God know how long before she pulled the plug.

 

Stop financing her affairs, file for divorce, stop wasting your love and affection on her.

[KBarletta]

I think about losing her to another man with out at least talking about our marriage and trying to resolve the issues ...

 

First of all, welcome to LS. I hope you stick around and continue posting. You will find a large number of people here, myself included, have experienced nearly identical issues and can offer a great deal of help and insight into what you are going through.

 

I quoted the above piece from your post because it is the one that hits home the most with me, as I had the same experience, and the fact that it happened without warning, and without any discussion or ability to address the issues is the part that is the hardest to accept.

 

BUT - that being said - your only option here is to move on. She is with someone else and beating yourself up every day and continuing to get emotional over this loss six months in is not healthy. I would advise you to talk to a lawyer, prepare divorce papers, protect yourself and your children as much as possible and try to move on with your life.

 

I'd recommend seeking an individual counselor who can help you through your grief and put you on the path to rebuilding your life. Some other things that have worked for me: Discover new hobbies, things you have always wanted to do but never tried. Travel, even if you can't afford Paris or something like that, you can take road trips to nearby places to rearrange your scenery and help you clear your head. Find a close friend or family member you can confide in. Try to remake yourself into a person you feel good about - exercise, learn new skills, meet new people.

 

I know it all seems very overwhelming right now because you are still in pain. But the less you focus on what you have lost and the more you focus on rebuilding your own life into what you want it to be - the better off you will be, and the more your pain will fade into the background.

 

Trust me - I am 1.5 years into my own ordeal, which was quite similar to yours in the way it happened, and I still sometimes feel the pain like it just happened. But I also have a new life and a new female friend in my life and still have a great relationship with my daughter and have made some wonderful new friends.

 

It will get better for you, but you have to take some steps to make it happen first. I wish you luck, and please keep posting!

 

KTB

[stillafool]

((((HUGS!)))) Welcome to LoveShack! I'm so sorry for what you are going through and perhaps you can find comfort and insight here. I would definitely recommend getting individual counseling for help. You insurance can pay for it.

 

May I ask you what reason did your wife give for leaving you? Was it the other man?

[chew123]

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to join. Many similar stories here including my own. It looks bleak now but things will get better.

 

Time to get a lawyer and start the divorce rolling. You can always slow it down later. She has shown you who she is. Believe her.

 

The girl you married no longer exists.

 

I suggest you visit the chumplady site and do some reading.

 

KB and I are both at the 1-1.5 year mark. Things are really starting to look up for the both of us. You will get there also.

 

Didn't mean to put words in your mouth KB but you do seem to be doing really well.

 

Good luck lost,

 

it is a long journey but you will get to a better place.

[lostandempty1971]

Thanks everyone for being so supportive.The reason my wife left was because we both started to drink heavily after the death of our son and then we started to argue alot. Then one day we had a massive argument i foolishly broke some stuff jumped in my car to get away and diffuse the situation .when i came home she was gone.

Her best friend told me a couple of days ago that she still loves me and her aunty told me that a couple of weeks ago she said she was thinking of coming home and reconciling . then a week ago this other guy swoop[ed in.

Im just so heartbroken and i dont want to feel this way anymore

Again thanks for the kind words and support.

Michael

[kgcolonel]

Wow...I am so sorry for both losing your child and for the fact that your wife leaving you. I have a couple of questions:

 

1. Because many marriages fail as a result of losing a child....do you think you can have a conversation with your wife about getting some professional help together since the loss was to both of you as a family?

 

2. Do you have other children?

 

3. Are you at a place with your wife that you still talk and can point bland ask her, where are you headed here?

 

If you can no longer speak to her, I would send her a letter asking that question....the other guy is really a problem and more than likely (not defending it ) nothing more than a diversion from her grief....everyone grieves differently, some alcohol, drugs, sex or work etc.

 

If you can't see any positive movement, maybe serving her with divorce papers would be appropriate (I personally don't know if I would take a spouse back after hooking up with another man) in an effort to bring things to light as to "it's decision time".

 

What are you doing to heal from the loss of your child? Might be good to see a counselor.

[KBarletta]

Thanks everyone for being so supportive.The reason my wife left was because we both started to drink heavily after the death of our son and then we started to argue alot. Then one day we had a massive argument i foolishly broke some stuff jumped in my car to get away and diffuse the situation .when i came home she was gone.

Her best friend told me a couple of days ago that she still loves me and her aunty told me that a couple of weeks ago she said she was thinking of coming home and reconciling . then a week ago this other guy swoop[ed in.

Im just so heartbroken and i dont want to feel this way anymore

Again thanks for the kind words and support.

Michael

 

Thanks - this definitely clarifies some of the reasons behind the split. It does sound to me, now knowing these details, that counseling for both of you could help, if you both are truly invested in making it work. The death of a child is the hardest thing a couple can experience and while it doesn't excuse her affair, it does shed some light on the reasons behind everything. If you are truly interested in reconciling, I would reach out to her and propose marriage counseling. Some keys to making it work, though, would be that she would have to break it off cleanly and permanently with the other guy, commit 100 percent to making things work with you. If she won't agree to that, then I think I would pursue a legal separation and/or divorce. Serve her with papers, it doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it would definitely crystalize in her head what she has done and what the consequences are in a way nothing else could.

[lostandempty1971]

Wow...I am so sorry for both losing your child and for the fact that your wife leaving you. I have a couple of questions:

 

1. Because many marriages fail as a result of losing a child....do you think you can have a conversation with your wife about getting some professional help together since the loss was to both of you as a family?

 

2. Do you have other children?

 

3. Are you at a place with your wife that you still talk and can point bland ask her, where are you headed here?

 

If you can no longer speak to her, I would send her a letter asking that question....the other guy is really a problem and more than likely (not defending it ) nothing more than a diversion from her grief....everyone grieves differently, some alcohol, drugs, sex or work etc.

 

If you can't see any positive movement, maybe serving her with divorce papers would be appropriate (I personally don't know if I would take a spouse back after hooking up with another man) in an effort to bring things to light as to "it's decision time".

 

What are you doing to heal from the loss of your child? Might be good to see a counselor.

 

the only communication i have is email , im told she reads them but i never get replies ,she refuses to speak to me. we have 4 other boys 10 15 19 and 21

i have suggested a meeting with a councelor but like i say , she just wont talk to me.i finally spoke to my 10 year old today, i could hear my wife in the background suddenly my son out of nowhere says mummy loves you.

i jusst dont get it. im just afraid if i stop trying to win her back i'll lose her forever.

[kgcolonel]

you might try the approach of....."I know your grieving as am I....I am seeking counseling to help me through this and for the sake of the kids / family, I am asking you to do the same. If you want to pursue someone else, that is your decision however, If I were to make that same decision, I'd want to know that I did everything I could to salvage the family so that I had peace of mind going forward. If you love me, you'll do this"

 

OP, just be sure that you would still want her after the very real possibility that she may have been cheating all along and this was a "jumping off point" for her. I know this is a lot to deal with but sometimes life sends us alot to work through....agian, i am very sorry you are going through this.

 

Do your kids have any perspective on their mothers behavior? (Are all the kids yours and hers biologically?) Would they tell you if they knew she had been cheating all along?

[KBarletta]

you might try the approach of....."I know your grieving as am I....I am seeking counseling to help me through this and for the sake of the kids / family, I am asking you to do the same. If you want to pursue someone else, that is your decision however, If I were to make that same decision, I'd want to know that I did everything I could to salvage the family so that I had peace of mind going forward. If you love me, you'll do this"

 

OP, just be sure that you would still want her after the very real possibility that she may have been cheating all along and this was a "jumping off point" for her. I know this is a lot to deal with but sometimes life sends us alot to work through....agian, i am very sorry you are going through this.

 

Do your kids have any perspective on their mothers behavior? (Are all the kids yours and hers biologically?) Would they tell you if they knew she had been cheating all along?

 

 

Some good advice here. I think if she won't go to counseling with you, then you have no choice but to move on. I think living in this sort of limbo for six months is long enough. Can you suggest a face to face meeting via email? I assume you know where she is living, so you could try to talk to her during an exchange with your children, you could call, write her a letter, something to try to get through to her that you both need counseling, and that you want to try to save this relationship. If you can't even communicate that simple fact to her, then I'm not sure what else you can do but move on.

 

I wish you luck.

[lostandempty1971]

 

Do your kids have any perspective on their mothers behavior? (Are all the kids yours and hers biologically?) Would they tell you if they knew she had been cheating all along?

 

All my kids and even her family all agree she is not acting normal , yes they are Hers and my boys, yes they would of told me if she was seeing someone.my 15 year old has come back home today because he cant stand what she is doing.My 10 year old is not allowed to talk to me and she wont answer any of the childrens calls.

I just dont know what to do its very uncharacteristic for her, i dont want to give up on her because i know it's just not her. Her best friend says she still loves me her aunty told me yesterday she was thinking of coming home and my 10 told me mummy still loves me out of nowhere so i just dont know

[lostandempty1971]

Some good advice here. I think if she won't go to counseling with you, then you have no choice but to move on. I think living in this sort of limbo for six months is long enough. Can you suggest a face to face meeting via email? I assume you know where she is living, so you could try to talk to her during an exchange with your children, you could call, write her a letter, something to try to get through to her that you both need counseling, and that you want to try to save this relationship. If you can't even communicate that simple fact to her, then I'm not sure what else you can do but move on.

 

I wish you luck.

 

i have tried all ways to communicate with her , the only thing i know is she does read the emails according to my 15 year old but she never replies,. I have suggested counselling but no reply.

I dont know where she is living and there is no exchanges she usually puts him on the train.

[kgcolonel]

I really hate to say this but when you have one member of a couple that is refusing to communicate all you can do is to take control in my opinion.

 

I can't say definitely what I'd do as I am not and have not been in this situation however two things come to mind....if she is putting a 10 year old on a train alone, this does not seem to be responsible parenting....

 

I would likely send her one last message giving a deadline to open communications to discuss a go forward plan, whether it be D or R. Advise her that without a response by X date will result in my filing for divorce. I would make sure that you state that this is not what you want however for the sake of the kids and yourself...you need to move forward, your preference is with her (if it still is, being that it sounds as if she is hooking up with this OM in the presence of your 10 yo.....) and that your focus is on healing the family with or without her....

 

It really sounds as though she is in the midst of a breakdown....do you think she is (if she is in the US) unstable to if so, to an extent to warrant a psych evaluation?

 

You say that you don't know where she is, i would think that with a little digging and maybe with the help of your 15 yo, you could find her....maybe stake out the train terminal where she transfers your 10 yo....maybe you'd just be better off to let her go and move forward...I am really sorry to say this so please don't take it that there's no hope....grieving can and does really take its toll on relationships.

[lostandempty1971]

I really hate to say this but when you have one member of a couple that is refusing to communicate all you can do is to take control in my opinion.

 

I can't say definitely what I'd do as I am not and have not been in this situation however two things come to mind....if she is putting a 10 year old on a train alone, this does not seem to be responsible parenting....

 

I would likely send her one last message giving a deadline to open communications to discuss a go forward plan, whether it be D or R. Advise her that without a response by X date will result in my filing for divorce. I would make sure that you state that this is not what you want however for the sake of the kids and yourself...you need to move forward, your preference is with her (if it still is, being that it sounds as if she is hooking up with this OM in the presence of your 10 yo.....) and that your focus is on healing the family with or without her....

 

It really sounds as though she is in the midst of a breakdown....do you think she is (if she is in the US) unstable to if so, to an extent to warrant a psych evaluation?

 

You say that you don't know where she is, i would think that with a little digging and maybe with the help of your 15 yo, you could find her....maybe stake out the train terminal where she transfers your 10 yo....maybe you'd just be better off to let her go and move forward...I am really sorry to say this so please don't take it that there's no hope....grieving can and does really take its toll on relationships.

Thankyou

I will take all of the great advice into consideration , i just cant wrap my head around it at the moment.i want to do what is right by myself and the kids but i dont want to start making ultimatums which will ultimately push her further away.

So far there has been no court involvement and if i initiate it then i know it will be the end for us.

I have 3 of my boys living with me now and they all want the same thing as me. I dont want to let them down either by giving up

[kgcolonel]

I completely understand where you are coming from on this. One thing that is worth considering is that once you file for D, that can always be stopped if things take a turn for the better. From what you have told us so far is that you lost a child (horrible horrible thing), she not only left you but is shacking up with another man and is putting your 10 yo on a train alone. I don't see any motivation for her to participate in any way to put this back together....The three other children are living with you and at least two of them would be eligible for child support and all three, I assume miss their mother who isn't speaking to them. Do you have any idea why she isn't speaking to them??? This doesn't seem too rational as it is like losing all but the 10 yo like the child that passed. Do you think she feel responsible for the passing of the child in any way???

 

I am also assuming that you have tried to look into the identity of the OM and to check to see how long her "interaction" with him has been going on...

 

I am so sorry for this very difficult time you are going through.....just avoid being the needy begging husband / father. This will only push her away.

 

At the end of the day, this is your world, not ours....there are many here to help provide you advice as they have been through (surprisingly) similar situations and can and will shed some light on ideas and the likely results.

[lostandempty1971]

I think she may feel some shame because she has basically abandoned the other 3 children to pursue this man. My 19 year old is leaving to the other side of Australia tonightv permanently and she has not even tried to say goodbye. This just simply isnt her, she lives for her children . None of us can understand .

I just wish she would let me have contact with my 10 year old . I will be filing for temporary custody on tuesday. Her family and Everyone agrees she is acting very irrational and out of character so im a becoming concerned about my sons welfare

Thanks Again

[KBarletta]

I think she may feel some shame because she has basically abandoned the other 3 children to pursue this man. My 19 year old is leaving to the other side of Australia tonightv permanently and she has not even tried to say goodbye. This just simply isnt her, she lives for her children . None of us can understand .

I just wish she would let me have contact with my 10 year old . I will be filing for temporary custody on tuesday. Her family and Everyone agrees she is acting very irrational and out of character so im a becoming concerned about my sons welfare

Thanks Again

 

 

So sorry you are going through this. She does sound like she is being irrational if she isn't even saying goodbye to her kids. But it would not be the first time a walk away spouse has thrown a whole life away for another man/woman.

 

Still, the fact that you don't even know where she is living is telling. She has created a separate life so she can pursue this new relationship without interference, and I wonder how much of that you are willing to accept and still be open to reconciliation?

 

It isn't just the fact that she is with someone else, but the fact that she fails to respond to any of your communications about working on the relationship. That is a pretty big indication that she is done. Personally, I'm not sure I would still be open to a reconciliation were I in your shoes, given her extreme behavior. But that is something you have to decide for yourself.

 

I have seen people linger in a similar limbo for months, even years, waiting for their WAW to "come around" and only getting their hearts broken again when it doesn't happen. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I do think you are holding on to a very, very slim chance. You deserve a life beyond that kind of limbo, and the only option available to you at the moment is to take control of the situation, file for a D, seek custody of your minor children, build a new life and make it the best life it can be.

 

Yes, delivering such an ultimatum could push her further away, and if reconciliation seemed like a decent possibility, I'd probably advise against it. But I don't know if it's possible to push her any further away than she is now.

 

Best of luck!