I've fallen in love with a separated man and now im scared to lose him

[whirligig]

New here. So here is my story. It’s pretty long winded. For that I am sorry. I write a lot of this with the advantage of hindsight.

 

For 2.5 years I worked on a team that was very close knit, but i remember on my first day being a little struck by one man (let’s call him Rob) in particular. I thought he was gorgeous…. I later (that day) found out he had a wife and 2 kids. For some reason I felt disappointed, despite the fact that I was in a relationship myself. This fleeting disappointment was momentary and as fast it came, I shuffled if off to the back of my mind.

 

We continued to grow a both a professional relationship and friendship for the next couple of years or so.

 

Fast forward a little... I applied for and was offered my dream job within the same company. Full of joy but also with great sorrow, I left my old team and moved on…

 

Over the next few months, Rob and I maintain contact . We talk about our shared interests, I had a bf of 5 years, he had a wife of 18 years and 2 kids and then suddenly… another baby on the way.

Throughout all of this time, I had been suffering in my own relationship. I was not happy. I woke up everyday feeling bleak and depressed, as if a dark cloud was hanging over me for months. Despite the dream job (which I thought would make me happy) something was still not sitting right in my life. I did not like who I had become. Before this relationship I was a light cigarette smoker, but nothing else bad for my health. The relationship started badly and there were numerous issues of alcoholism, depression, verbal abuse and one instance of infidelity (all from him) and also weed smoking.I also had some tragedy within my family whereby my mother was traumatically diagnosed with advanced cancer and this had a really bad affect on me. Weed eventually became my crutch as well. And I didn’t like it at all. He cheated on me once while he was very drunk, and i decided to stay on the provision that he gave up drinking. He did and things were better for a short while… but the weed smoking got heavier.

 

 

During this time, I was getting closer to Rob. I had also started running and a few fitness endeavours to try to combat what seemed to be depression. I felt better, I felt good and I felt happier. But I soon realised that my motivation to keep going was because Rob was being so supportive.

 

Rob and I had some really good and sometimes deep conversations… still no flirting, nothing sexy… just friends helping each other out. This continued for a few months,

 

During this time we went out for an obligatory xmas night out with a bunch of people from work for a meal then for drinks. **It was a great night! A bunch 30-40 somethings out on the town like a bunch of teenagers. Everyone had a great laugh, even Rob seemed to have pulled through his sadness***. We were out until about 4am!!! Ive not done that for years! Before we left the final pub, I (cheekily) put on Rob’s coat to walk home in as it was freezing (the last 4 of us standing were all headed the same way). Rob put his arm around my shoulders to keep warm and i put mine around his waist…. It was like an awakening, everything suddenly fitted into place…

 

Then comes the worst week of emotional aching I have ever experienced. What the hell just happened? How did that happen? Why?

It turned out that everything I had been thinking/ feeling bout Rob was 100% reciprocated… but we were both unable to do anything about it.

 

We both fell into this state of absolute despair, like being kicked in the chest repeatedly by a carthorse. Neither of us could eat, and we both started losing weight and spiralling into a dark place pretty rapidly. I think we both realised very quickly that we had both wanted each other for a very long time. We had both had these passing moments of desire. These desires went way beyond sex, we realised that we both want each other wholly and fully and to be in a loving relationship. We both kind of agreed that it would be the best thing that will never ever happen. And it was sad. Very very sad.

 

 

Then just over a week passed by with very little contact as it was just too painful. I got a message from him saying that he had broken down to his mom and sisters and actually left his wife. He told he had not done it because of me or for me, but what happened between us helped him over the line he had wanted to cross for so long but had been so scared to. My immediate reaction one of utter terror and also guilt. I felt so awful and so responsible for what he had done it brought me to tears again. All I could think about were his kids and how I couldn’t bear the thought that I was responsible for taking their daddy away. It was hard to hear. Really hard. But amidst it all there also a sense of relief, relief that he had done what he really needed to do to be happy… I was glad for him as I knew it was right, and I was proud that he was courageous enough to follow through. Sometimes putting up and shutting up really is the easier option.

 

So where does this leave me? With a long term boyfriend who is damaged and damaging, and a beautiful man who I know wants me but has so much baggage already, not to mention a baby on the way. ‘RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!’ Says my head…. ‘But, you know you really care about this man, you love him don’t you…’ said my heart. I could not shake the feeling that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least open my life up to this genuine, loving, smart, funny, gorgeous, unique and adoring man. I chose to go with my heart. Me and my partner split, painfully and emotionally. He knew our relationship was bad and going nowhere, our decision to split was in fact mutual in the end, it just took one of us to cross the line.

 

 

I was very careful to make sure I ‘parked’ Rob at the back of my mind so that my actions were not influenced by him and what could be. Strangely enough, the more I focussed on what was happening between me and my partner, the less Rob was in my head at all… he became a glimmer in the distance that I honestly believed would never work out anyway, despite wanting to try.

 

We took it relatively slowly to begin with, went out for dinner/drinks a couple of times, nothing fancy, but we got to spend some time together without worrying about being seen together. We weren’t engaged in an affair, as we had both legitimately left our partners, but we were still fearful of judgement should anyone see us together so soon after doing so and also we didn’t want to cause our respective exes any more hurt. We talked a lot. Openly and honestly about lots of things. We have a bit of an unspoken rule about full disclosure in that we tell each other all the things, all the good, all the bad, no hiding, no lies. It seems to be working well so far. We have shared some really nice times together over the past couple of months… We hang out together as often as possible, he has arrangement with his wife regarding the kids and he is loving and dutiful father and always puts his kids first.

 

I accept that this relationship will not be easy or straightforward. I accept that the future will be full of times that I can’t see him. I accept that he will have no money. I accept that I will always come 2nd to the kids.

 

Of course, he still has a lot of contact with his wife because of the kids and also baby number 3, which I accept as the way things are and will always be. But now, the due date for baby no.3 is looming and all my anxieties and paranoias are running rampant. So so many fears just whirling around my head. I also know that he is scared too.

 

It’s a really tough time and putting this all in writing is first and foremost a form of catharsis for me as well as a bit of a cry for help. He assures me that his marriage is over and that they simply do not love each other anymore. She will miss the security he provides for sure, but I think that seems to be as far as it goes. As long as he provides financially and emotionally for the kids, she will be ok. He still pays the mortgage and bills on the marital home I have no expectations from him financially, as I never have with any man… i’m pretty independant from that perspective. I have my own house, salary and everything I could need.

 

He has said all along that he doesn’t want to hurt me and that he’s sorry for putting me through this. I tell him that I can handle it so long as he comes back, which he promises he will.

 

I guess I should wrap this saga up as it’s a bit ridiculous now. I’m prepared for all the responses telling me to leave him and run away, but i’m also aware that my heart won’t let me do that. I guess ultimately all I can do is suffer quietly through the next few weeks of him only being intermittent in my life and look forward to the time after when we can start to be a normal couple. We have some dates in our diaries for things are going to do once things are more settled I look forward to all of them so much. He wants me to meet his family soon and of course eventually his kids, but that will be a while away yet.

 

Those out there with any experience of anything similar, I would to hear your outcomes.I’m trying to stay positive here but unfortunately my nature is one of worry and panic (for which I am having therapy). He is a lovely lovely man and I want to be with him for a long time, and he feels the same. I just hope we can make it through this.

 

I’ve covered a lot of ground here! Thanks for reading...x

Edited March 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure how old you are .... but that's an awful lot of baggage to take on. He will constantly have to be around his wife for many many years to come.... especially with the new baby.

 

I could understand if you're quite a bit older ... but when I was younger before getting married ... a man with just one child (even if he wasn't with the mother) used to put me off.

 

Knowing that your man will ALWAYS have to spend a degree of time with his ex .... is more than I could handle TBH.

 

Thinking of the future .... he'll have 3 kids. ..is he going to want anymore? These are the things you need to be thinking of.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

I tell him that I can handle it so long as he comes back, which he promises he will.

 

Where has he gone?

[whirligig]

Thanks for your insight sandylee

I am 31 and him 37 and having children has never really been on my radar for myself. That's not to say I wouldn't, but I have never really had any grand plans to reproduce. Though I hear unusual things happen to women in their 30's!

[CarrieT]

How old are you!?!?

 

Also, it is fine to date - AFTER his divorce is final. Before that, you are likely to lose him to his family.

[chew123]

Whirligig,

 

You were having an emotional affair with a married man which very likely contributed to the breakup of his marriage and family.

 

To top it off you are planning a future with him while he is still married and has a pregnant wife. Do you really think being separated with a baby on the way makes him available.

 

You mention meeting the kids? He isn't divorced yet and you are talking about meeting the kids?

 

You are expecting him to follow through with the divorce, leave his wife and children including a newborn , and jump right into a fantasy relationship with you before he processes the death of an 18 year marriage and the loss of his family and children.

 

And you yourself are 3 months out of a 5 year relationship that ended after you developed feelings for another man.

 

The 2 of you need to split up and be single for a while and figure out what you really want. In my opinion neither one of you is ready to form a stable relationship with a new person at this time. Whats the rush? After a little time apart you can get back together if you want.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but relationships are difficult enough with 2 available people. You both of a lot of baggage to work through before you get to that point.

 

I do wish you luck though. Sometimes things do work out against all odds.

[angel.eyes]

His wife is pregnant and about to give birth to their third child!!! Is she even aware they are separated?

 

He sounds like a garden variety cheater looking for a little spice and fantasy escape on the side of his routine family life. Basically, he's looking for stolen interludes to create a little excitement and counter the monotony of daily family life. You're seeing this as becoming his life partner? I suggest you head over to the Other Woman/Other Man forum for a reality check and a birdseye view into what your future will likely hold.

 

Those same excuses he gave you for sticking it out despite being horribly unhappy for oh so many years in his eighteen-year marriage, will be the same excuses he uses on you once you start pushing him to take tangible actions to leave his marriage. He gave you a preview of what to expect down the road.

 

Please don't waste your best years on this! It's a choice you will deeply regret. Go find someone who is free and available to give you a full relationship, which you deserve.

[stillafool]

Please go over to the OW forum. This man may say a lot of things but in the end he is not going to leave his wife and kids.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your insight sandylee

I am 31 and him 37 and having children has never really been on my radar for myself. That's not to say I wouldn't, but I have never really had any grand plans to reproduce. Though I hear unusual things happen to women in their 30's!

 

Well IF you two DO end up together, you'll be step mom to two young children and a baby. You ready for that responsibility? To not be put first, his childrens needs will always come first. And don't forget his ex-wife (if they do divorce) will always be in the picture too because of their children together.

 

If you think that it'll be just you and him, bonding and having fun, think again. He has TONS of responsibilities and obligations that can't be put on the back burner.

 

Hate to say it, but RUN. There's no way a man with 2 young children and a baby on the way is going to really divorce his wife. He will have to face his own family, friends let alone his in laws... It will be messy and emotional.

 

Rule is don't date separated men, most of the time they end up going back.

[whirligig]

Thanks for the replies all. I really appreciate your points and will head to the ow forum for perspective.

 

Chew - I talk about meeting the kids way off in the future, should we get that far. I appreciate what you say about parting at least for now and letting things breathe...that has absolutely crossed my mind.

 

Angel eyes- yes she does certainly know they are separated. She has already seen a solicitor and they have arrangements for the children. He doesn't live in the marital home.

 

Whichwayisup - it's a responsibility I can handle for sure. It's not that I don't like kids, I just really don't like the idea of being pregnant and childbirth. Not really my bag. I have young kids in my family and love spending time with them. But really meeting his kids is very very far away. I don't think for a second it will be just us having a blast together, I'm under no illusions.

 

He has already faced his kids, his family, friends and his in laws. His kids are adjusting well, his family are relieved he has left her because he was so unhappy and his in laws actually thanked him for always being such a great son in law, husband and dad and that they're sorry this has happened. his friends are also very supportive of his decision.

 

I take everyone's comments on board. thanks, genuinely for your replies.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I would not be surprised if they try to reconcile after the baby arrives. I don't think reality has set in yet for anyone in this situation. Unless and until they actually divorce, I think you need to be extremely cautious.

 

Also, be wary in automatically assuming everything he's told you is true. At the moment, he's telling you everyone is supportive and more or less fine with this; however, I very much doubt they know the whole story and about your involvement. When they learn about that, and they will in some way, don't expect it to go down very well.

 

I actually do know of another couple who was in a similar situation. She was older, with grown children. He was younger with a small child and another one the way. They left their respective spouses for each other. You can imagine how people reacted when the truth came out that they'd been seeing each other before either of them separated from their former partners. It didn't take much for people to put two and two together. It wasn't pretty and put a lot of strain on the relationship. Her kids wanted noting to do with this new guy, his now ex-wife explored every legal avenue in obtaining primary custody and support for their kids. Fast forward about 6 or 7 years...they are no longer together. The woman in this scenario has returned to her marriage, and the man was the one who broke it off. He is now engaged to another woman altogether.

 

Relationships that start on such shay ground face tremendous challenges that often weaken the bond between the new couple. In their case, they didn't make it. You need to listen to that gut of yours.

[Popsicle]

Yeah, he's just trying to get a little time away from him wife so he can be free-er to bone you. Because, you know, he can't do that with her always around. Then after he gets away and does that with you, he'll go back to his wife. And she'll take him back too.

 

You would be wise to stay away from any man unless he is legally and officially divorced and living alone.

[Ladyjane14]

Yeah, I'm wondering if the wife and kids, friends, family, and coworkers all know he's been having an affair? Sounds to me like he's stressed out and having an escapist fling. Escapism is all about NOT dealing with reality, so once reality intrudes anyway, it's like Popcycle said... he'll probably go home to his family.

[elaine567]

Yeah, I'm wondering if the wife and kids, friends, family, and coworkers all know he's been having an affair? Sounds to me like he's stressed out and having an escapist fling. Escapism is all about NOT dealing with reality, so once reality intrudes anyway, it's like Popcycle said... he'll probably go home to his family.

.

 

...and his new baby.

 

I am a bit confused re the time line here, how long has he been split up from his wife, seems like just a few months but I could be wrong.

Was the "Xmas night out" only in Dec 2015?

 

If that is indeed the case, then be worried.

Pregnant wife, little sex, lack of intimacy, feeling left out - results in many men embarking on affairs.

This man maybe has taken it a little further in that he actually left, but he will find a new baby and family ties are strong, I would not be surprised he comes to his senses and ends up right back at home.

Sorry!