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We are NOT a couple,he asked me to find a job in his country

le_20

By le_20
in Long-Distance Relationships

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Update,hard to believe....this morning,he sent me message saying that he believe that i will go to his country one day.

 

my school did tell me that i have chance to go to his country for internship,he knew this last year. Since he was the one said he no longer interest,then why care?!

 

Keeping you dangling too...

 

Oh perlease!

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
but he is still liking my social media posts!

Block him. Problem solved.

 

and he also mentioned that he looks forward to my career as time passes.

Block him. Problem solved.

 

Update,hard to believe....this morning,he sent me message saying that he believe that i will go to his country one day.

Block him. Problem solved.

 

Since he was the one said he no longer interest,then why care?!

Are you spotting a theme here? If you block him, all these problems will be solved.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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le_20 Member

le_20

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Been dating with this guy on and off for 10 months, 2 months in the same city and after that he moved permanently to his country. I have chance to work in his country after 1 year but I want to know how it’s between us before me making decision of moving.

 

We aren’t in committed relationship, I believe he is still telling others he is single, yet i met his best friend. He helped me with visa application and bought me airticket to visit him. Back that time, he bought me economy class and said he have never taken economy class seat….Yeap, he is rich and covered all my expenses during my visit but I didn’t buy anything and ask for anything, I also took my own pocket money along. He knows I’m quality person, I’m not sure if he doesn’t commit to me due to long distance or age gap.

 

He broke up with me few weeks ago and canceled my 2nd visit. I was heartbroken as all these months, I was serious and thought I finally found someone who not only understand me, but also he is the one I want to live my life with, I just wanted to stay beside him and work for my dreams, but I think he didn’t take me serious enough. So I went no contact after that, tried to move on , live my life.

 

Few days ago he started contacting me but I didn’t reply. I was too sad and didn’t feel want to reply.

He sent messages again and again, I ended up replying to his question politely by one message.

Then he sent me tones of messages and photos again.

I thought maybe he have anything to talk about so lastly I replied to him and had conversation. He said back then he was depressed for months and said he miss me.

The next day he texted me again, but I think it’s meaningless if he keeps on flirting, i wanted to see action so I tested him by asking him to visit me and see how serious he is about me. He said he planned to visit me next month and can’t leave this month. Since I have holiday for few weeks this month,will get busy next month so he bought me air ticket to visit him for 10 days and said that’s the best thing he could do( although I can visit him for 3 weeks)

 

He never bought himself economy class ticket and this time he bought me economy class ticket again….should I feel weird and think he isn’t taking me seriously?

I’m still virgin and we hadn’t have sex( although had foreplay for times) ….should I visit him? Should I ask for staying at his guest room? ( last time I slept together with him during my first visit)

 

He said he is serious type and said I’m one of very few girls who is trusting, consistent and rare quality type but till now I still feel he isn’t serious enough to me. On social media, he likes most of my posts and I also added his best friends’ fb as friend yet he has lots of female friends liking his post( I didn’t asked about it but he once said they are just friendsyet i sometimes can see new girl popping out...i stopped liking his posts few months ago) and this morning when his guy friend praised his house photo, he replied that he is staying there alone.

 

I’m so confused and not sure what to do. the flight is next friday....

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I think just by looking through your thread history, and the fact that you've been on and off for 10 months, and he's already dumped you once -- it would be best for you to step away from this guy. It doesn't look promising but if you insist on pursuing this guy, be careful.

  • Like 1
justwhoiam Established Member

justwhoiam

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I’m not sure if he doesn’t commit to me due to long distance or age gap.
What is the age gap? How old is he? And how old are you?

 

When people have a lot of money, they can have an attitude, think they can do what they want and use people. He seems to be that way. If he comes back to get back together, have him win your heart back with lots of effort, so that you can make sure that he really wants it and that he will go out of his way for it.

 

If everything is still foggy regarding you and him, demand a decision. If he doesn't know what he wants, say bye and don't look back. He's the needy guy when you're not around. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

 

Tell him you're not up for anything other than a serious relationship, and that you're not interested in being strung along.

 

If you do go visit him, do NOT have sex with him. You need more time with this guy, before you can tell how serious he is with you, no matter what he will say to you.

Els Established Member

Els

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It puzzles me why you would keep bringing up the "economy class" ticket - really, that is the least of your concerns. Economy class is fine, the vast majority of people fly economy unless their company is footing the bill, so I really don't see why someone buying you an economy class ticket should be a red flag at all. And female friends liking his posts on FB?? I mean, come on. Do you not have any platonic male friends?

 

That being said, there are several OTHER giant waving red flags all over the place, most notably him breaking up with you and cancelling your visit. Those are the reasons why you shouldn't go, IMO.

  • 3 weeks later...
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le_20 Member

le_20

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I've been searching for hours on internet but everyone's case is different and i need some advice from you as I really value comments from this forum...

 

Met this man more than 1.5 year ago via social media,we were long distance but i was going to move to the country where he was staying in 5 months.(not his mother country)

 

Finally we met,but due to his visa expiration and he isnt suitable to live in the country (language problem and he had nothing to do,just killed time at cafes everyday), he moved back to his country after 2 months we dated.Before he moved back,I met his best friend and till now,we still keep in touch.

His best friend likes me very much and i even became friend with his gf.

 

He told me not to worry and he helped me with all those complicated visa procedures to get 3 years travel visa to his country by providing me his financial documents.

That was a huge step as we really trust each other.He bought me air ticket to visit him last October.(He moved back in August)

 

My first visit to his country was good,although I felt he pulled away from me.He took me to houses he once bought and lived,told me the process of starting his business, took me to his good friend’s family thanksgiving lunch, watched ball matches together with him and his good friend….many many more.

On the last day of my visit, he made closure in gentle/warm manner,saying that everything can happen in the future.He cant move back to the country where im staying currently due to some reality issues,which i totally understand.

 

I was sad as he was the first man I felt i wanted to live my life together with as we had so many things in common.He was also the first man i felt secure and relaxed.Then I moved on and tried no contact,he came back after a month.

 

After that, long story......in Feb,he made a closure again.(not a breakup as we werent couple)He is unhappy and emotionally unstable as he is rich and hasnt been working for 8 years,he has no focus in life and lost interest in everything very quick.(He once married and had a 20 years marriage,after divorced, he tried dating and dated with many women,had 3 gf in 5 years but every relationship only lasted few months, max 5 months.)

 

 

I went no contact and was really heart broken,even decided blacklist him.But then,he messaged me 2 weeks after the closure,telling me that he was devastated and lived like recluse,he felt he lost interest in me but wasnt sure the reason( due to the absence,or his emotion or...? ),he didnt know.

Then he said he missed me,I was tired back then and thought if he just wanted to flirt,then i wont talk to him anymore,i wanted his action to backup his word.

 

So he bought me airticket for 10 days visit.I even wasnt sure if I should go when i was at the airport but his best friend adviced me to go and told me"maybe this is the last time...after learning the real him,then you can decided what to do"

 

I went and just back from the visit.Over all,this visit is better than last time.He didnt distance himself and out of my expectation,I thought i no longer feel anything for him,but as soon as I saw him at the airport,I could tell we had feelings for each other and clicked on very soon.

 

During this visit,his friend(distanced friend not close friend) contacted him suddenly, told him that he and his gf will stop by his country for one night and suggested if they can meet.He took me to meet this 3rd friend and referred me as "XXX(my name) visits from (my city)". It was weird as 3 of them knew each other and i felt i was outsider,Im not his gf.....the next morning,his friend even sent him messages something like "there's no harm to stay with someone comfy....you are successful,go out and date few more girls..." I saw his messages as we have same iphone.

 

I didnt tell him i saw his messages(dont actually know their conversation as i only saw the incoming messages notifications).

I just told him I thanked him for letting us meet but i felt uncomfortable,as if being isolated and i never felt this before.I said I felt like I was being viewed as friend with benefit. (even though im a serious type and was a virgin until this trip)

 

He then told me that his friend wont view me in this way and said thats just his distanced friend,who doesnt know all those details and what happened between us all this time.

One night,his close friend told me in front of him all of sudden "I ensure you that in the last few years,no woman ever entered his house except his housemaid"

After this trip,we are still not couple but he asked me to work in his country after a year my working contract ends, he said to me in front of his close friend that he will try everything to make sure my success in the future.

He also said he will visit me or fly me to visit him in this year.

 

Its been a long thread,but i really trust you all and need your input.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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No.

Do not go.

Why are you allowing yourself to be messed about with like this?

He's playing with you.

Pulling you in, letting you go, pulling you back in.

Tell me, do you have sex with this man?

 

I bet you do.

 

Cut off all and every contact. Block his number and delete every detail off your 'phone.

If necessary (and I think it is) change number.

 

Move, in your own country, to somewhere new. Even if it is only down the road, or in the next one.

 

Move.

Drop out of his life and do not let yourself be manipulated like this.

 

He is a total fool.

Just ridiculous!

Creeper_73 New Member

Creeper_73

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I think you need to ask yourself a few questions.

 

1. Do you want to be with this man?

 

2. Does he deserve to be with you?

 

3. Are you willing to move to be able to be with him?

 

Answer those three questions and you'll have a clearer picture of what you want to do. The guy is probably unsure of what he wants. You said he gets bored easily, but you probably have been a form of stability for him. Thats why he keeps wanting more of you. Maybe you should ask him if he is willing to give you a commitment if you were to move.

 

And when it comes to his friends, why should that matter. The relationship between you and him is your matter alone. What they think and know has nothing to do with it. If the answer to whether the two of you want to be together and its possible to be so is yes, then its only up to the two of you to whether you'll be together.

 

Dont let the opinions of his other friends discourage you because in the end only his opinion about your relationship is what matters, isnt it?

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le_20 Member

le_20

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I think you need to ask yourself a few questions.

 

1. Do you want to be with this man?

 

2. Does he deserve to be with you?

 

3. Are you willing to move to be able to be with him?

 

Answer those three questions and you'll have a clearer picture of what you want to do. The guy is probably unsure of what he wants. You said he gets bored easily, but you probably have been a form of stability for him. Thats why he keeps wanting more of you. Maybe you should ask him if he is willing to give you a commitment if you were to move.

 

And when it comes to his friends, why should that matter. The relationship between you and him is your matter alone. What they think and know has nothing to do with it. If the answer to whether the two of you want to be together and its possible to be so is yes, then its only up to the two of you to whether you'll be together.

 

Dont let the opinions of his other friends discourage you because in the end only his opinion about your relationship is what matters, isnt it?

 

Thanks for your input, it does help me a lot.

To answer your questions,

1) yes

2) not sure

3) yes, if he is willing to commit to me

Your insight about me being a form of stability for him is right.

What haunted me is during the trip, he once put a photo of himself, taken by me on social media, he stated it as " photo taken by a friend" and he deleted the photo after 2 hours.

Then yesterday, he put a photo of the gathering of his friend, friend's gf and him( the gathering which I mentioned in previous post) the original photo included me but he cropped the photo,then after few minutes he deleted the post.

 

It's been 2 days coming back from the trip, i messaged him, he did reply to me but not like usual, I'm suffering from jet lag and told him that I miss him sleeping next to me, he answered lol.

 

Still a year to go before moving to his country, after lots of up and down( mostly cause by his emotionally unstable), I feel insecure and worrying if we can survive after a year.

TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

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What haunted me is during the trip, he once put a photo of himself, taken by me on social media, he stated it as " photo taken by a friend" and he deleted the photo after 2 hours.

Then yesterday, he put a photo of the gathering of his friend, friend's gf and him( the gathering which I mentioned in previous post) the original photo included me but he cropped the photo,then after few minutes he deleted the post.

 

His behavior ought to *haunt* you. It's your gut talking to you instead of your love-hazed mind.

 

Sorry, but the least of your problems is to be worried about whether your relationship with survive another year. If it disintegrates, that's the best thing that could happen to you.

 

He's selfish, spoiled, manipulative, and most likely is hiding something. I also question his motives -- you ought to be, too.

 

Do as others have already advised: Kick this guy to the curb ASAP and don't look back. He's not worth any more of your time. I mean that, seriously.

 

Best,

TMichaels

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Creeper_73 New Member

Creeper_73

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thanks for your input, it does help me a lot.

To answer your questions,

1) yes

2) not sure

3) yes, if he is willing to commit to me

Your insight about me being a form of stability for him is right.

What haunted me is during the trip, he once put a photo of himself, taken by me on social media, he stated it as " photo taken by a friend" and he deleted the photo after 2 hours.

Then yesterday, he put a photo of the gathering of his friend, friend's gf and him( the gathering which I mentioned in previous post) the original photo included me but he cropped the photo,then after few minutes he deleted the post.

 

It's been 2 days coming back from the trip, i messaged him, he did reply to me but not like usual, I'm suffering from jet lag and told him that I miss him sleeping next to me, he answered lol.

 

Still a year to go before moving to his country, after lots of up and down( mostly cause by his emotionally unstable), I feel insecure and worrying if we can survive after a year.

 

Yeah, he is being inconsistent, and he is either knowingly or unknowingly busy toying with your emotions. My approach to relationships has always been one of logic first, emotions second. So try to distance yourself from the problem emotionally. See the facts for what they are. The "lol" response isnt the smoothest of responses, but to be honest, I myself am in a situation where someone likes me over long distance and I need to restrain my responses because I know if I show my true feelings too much, its just going to hurt them later if we cant be together.

 

So maybe that makes me a bit bias in the response. But then again, yesterday I confronted the girl over voice chat and explained that I care too much for her, to let us grow too close online, because we are at a point were we are emotionally vulnerable to one another. I was honest about why I was feeling or acting a bit different, but I know this girl is also logical so she was able to understand where I was coming from and agreed and respected the conclusion we came to.

 

A lot of people here seem to just say shoot him off, and I dont know if thats the right or wrong thing to do. Only you can decide. What I would suggest is, you try and put your emotions aside for 10 minutes and go list why you like to be with him. And then when you talk to him over voice again, tell him that you like spending time with him for these reasons and you want to know what he sees in your relationship. Does he want to be serious, does he want to be casual, does he want you in his life constantly as a partner or only occasionally as a friend that visits him.

 

His answer will let you know whether he is on the same page as you and what his expectations are. And I think you can probably tell when he is lying by now so you'll know when he is being dishonest. Furthermore you'll get the straight answer from him without necessarily asking for a commitment, which is a good thing. Asking for a commitment over long distance is rough on both parties and its not fair for either. So pick his brain. And do it when you talk to him directly over skype or on a call, because I think text just is too easy to dodge questions. And explain that you are only asking this because you have your own life as well and you want to know where you should invest into the future.

 

The biggest part of being in a relationship is remaining true to yourself at all times I believe. Keep your dreams and aspirations alive. Fall in love but fall in love with your partner alongside what you want to achieve in life. This guy is asking a lot in terms of moving so make sure that watever he is asking isnt holding you back from what you want to accomplish. That, I think is the biggest thing to keep in mind when dealing with this situation.

 

Anyways, essay done. Good luck :)

 

*edit*

I`ll be honest I`m quite new to the thread, so I haven't read everything. I`m just responding off of what I read on your most recent post. So yah.

Edited by Creeper_73
TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

Posted
Posted
*edit*

I`ll be honest I`m quite new to the thread, so I haven't read everything. I`m just responding off of what I read on your most recent post. So yah.

 

It would behoove you to read it.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Creeper_73 New Member

Creeper_73

Posted
Posted
It would behoove you to read it.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Yeah I read it all now. It's a tough situation. I still think addressing him straight forward about it and being honest about needing to know his expectations is the best way forward. Then again, I think le_20 is over thinking a lot of whats happening at the same time. The distance is obviously having an effect. Both on his side by taking longer and being more obscure in his intentions, and on her side she is over analysing every little thing that happens and because she is afraid to ask him about it its driving her emotions mad.

 

Thats why I said in the previous post, put your emotions aside and look at the facts. We dont know whether this guy is a true ******* or not, only she does. I`m sure he's done a lot of sweet and awesome stuff for her as well to make her feel this way.

 

Not every relationship is a healthy one, but not every unhealthy relationship is necessarily a lost one either. By confronting him she'll soon know whether his character is one that will permit them to work and grow a relationship or not. She's been mostly sharing her over analytical conclusions in her posts, so we have to take that into account. And le_20 im not trying to insult you. I`m trying to stay factual and logical about the situation

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, this guy is just plain weird and inconsistent and non-committal.

 

In short, you'd be nuts to uproot your entire life for him. Stop allowing yourself to be treated as a fall-back option. You're not even his girlfriend.

 

I think you need to keep him away from you before you make any huge life changes for the wrong reasons.

  • 1 month later...
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le_20 Member

le_20

Posted
  • Author
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Yeah I read it all now. It's a tough situation. I still think addressing him straight forward about it and being honest about needing to know his expectations is the best way forward. Then again, I think le_20 is over thinking a lot of whats happening at the same time. The distance is obviously having an effect. Both on his side by taking longer and being more obscure in his intentions, and on her side she is over analysing every little thing that happens and because she is afraid to ask him about it its driving her emotions mad.

 

Thats why I said in the previous post, put your emotions aside and look at the facts. We dont know whether this guy is a true ******* or not, only she does. I`m sure he's done a lot of sweet and awesome stuff for her as well to make her feel this way.

 

Not every relationship is a healthy one, but not every unhealthy relationship is necessarily a lost one either. By confronting him she'll soon know whether his character is one that will permit them to work and grow a relationship or not. She's been mostly sharing her over analytical conclusions in her posts, so we have to take that into account. And le_20 im not trying to insult you. I`m trying to stay factual and logical about the situation

 

Thank you all for your support and advice.

We are now official and he treats me like a princess.Before being official,he even apologized to me for have kept me waiting so long,he thanked me for always being there for him no matter what happens.

 

Although it's long distance, but 10 months left in this country and I'm looking for job in his country. I just won in an international contest and was being invited to a gala night in Paris next month. He paid for my air ticket, booked luxurious hotel and even bought me presents( he never done this to me before! ), we will stay in Paris for 2 weeks and both looking forward to our trip.

 

Creeper_73, I especially want to thank you as you tried to stay logical and provide help as much as possible.I know guy's view point and thinking is different from girl so i really appreciate your input.Back that time, after reading your posts, I tried to calm myself down, be positive and tried to talk to him. He opened up to me and although he is still fighting with his depression(which causes his emotion up and down dramatically), but we both found a way to handle, so he won't hurt me and I won't take it too personal.

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