My new reality after my affair ended

[Babsinhealing]

<< moderator note: previous thread with background information: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/572783-tormented-after-affair-ended >>

 

I'm soooo sick of crying and feeling this profound loss and sadness... I'm officially 19 days NC from my xMM, which I initiated- and everyday I feel like I've been stabbed. I just can't deny it- I miss him, his friendship, the joy and happiness he brought into my life for almost 2 years. It's like a death I've never experienced and I've experienced that type of loss. I sat in my therapist office today trying to hold it together for my weekly visit with my business suit on and my makeup intact, knowing I had to go to a meeting immediately after- so much for that- and my makeup. Instead, I went through the McDonald's drive thru- ordered something horrible for me, blew off my meeting, came home and cried again. What a way to live.

 

So, I surrender to my new reality ...I'm starting antidepressants today. My doctor, therapist and now myself realize this goes deeper than grief and it's not just the loss of my A that I'm grieving- it's how I used my A and AP as a bandaid for other challenges in my life (including my sexless marriage) that I have been repressing now for many years. And how this situation has added to my already deep abandonment issues and that I've probably had intrinsic depression for years and just denied it - looked for other ways to feel anything remotely "happy". I've denied it all along, saying Im fine, I can get over this, I am strong, time heals (and I do believe it heals some- I'm not naive) but I guess when you try to do everything right to get back on track (for years) and you are in a perpetual state of darkness, hopelessness and sadness- sometimes not even therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, crying ...or affairs can heal.

 

To be honest- I'm nervous because I've never taken an antidepressant. I'm as healthy as they come and I don't need prescription medication normally but I just can't do this "alone" anymore. If I broke my arm or if had diabetes, I would treat it... Why not my "heart and mind" and this obvious "imbalance". My therapist even told me- logically you are doing everything right for your current emotional crisis... NC, grieving, therapy, exercising. But sometimes logic and the heart don't talk or agree. And the reaction to this new loss should elicit normal grief but add depression and abandonment issues to the mix and you now have a toxic emotional crisis that could lead to detrimental consequences if you don't get help. Wow- talk about an eye opening wake up call... And a little relief that there could be hope on the horizon.

 

I'm sure many of you can relate. I will keep you posted on my progress but I wanted to stop in and say that I'm forever thankful for all of you helping me to get through this terrible time. For all the empathy, kind words, support many of you have shown me since I joined LS.. Thank you! (Hugs)

Edited March 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous thread ~6

[privategal]

Its ok, you are normal.

Go easy. Be careful to give yourself credit. My doctor says several patients per day are treated for depression and anxiety.

You are not your past or mistakes and your seeking active measures to get healthy. Thats so great!

19 days is too!!

Around 21 to 30 day mark in NC is when people usually cave.

You wont though.

You came this far. You will miss him and feel the void for a good bit.

Also normal and common at the end.

Cry...let it hurt. Just keep letting it hurt until...it doesnt.

The day will come.

Biggest HUG. Praying for you.

[ladydesigner]

You are doing great! 19 days NC! It is still early and you are deep in grieving. Give yourself time, but deal with the issues head on in therapy. It sounds like you are looking within yourself to make changes in your life that will lead to something better! I couldn't pull myself out of depression either and had to go on anti-depressants. They have helped me a lot but it took some trial and error and having to try out a few different medications to find out which one was right for me.

 

I know what you mean about a "new reality" I too, even though I am currently a BS, have too experienced this new reality some bad and some good. And I have days just like you have described where I'm crying and have to cancel or reschedule plans. I quit working out too for over a year now and am trying to get back into that again.

 

Keep trying (((Babs))) for you. Find out what makes you happy that doesn't involve relationships or love.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I know people are so anti-antidepressant or at least adverse to them. They hold a stigma that is really unfortunate. As you said, if you had any other illness you would take medication for it. I've been on antidepressants for years- I started after I had a series of panic attacks (I actually got Xanax for the panic attacks and the AD after seeing a therapist.) I just knew I didn't feel well. I still get depressed/ sad/ lonely but it's not as bad as it was before. It's not taking away your feelings, just makes it easier to cope. They truly do help. You don't have to be on them forever. Some people are, some people just use them to get through a difficult time and then go off. Some people go off and on them periodically.

 

I hope this helps and allows you to clear away some of the emotional muck and able to get to and heal the heart of what's going on with you.

 

sending you hugs.

[Satu]

Stick very firmly to NC, because any contact with your AP could set you back and make feel even worse.

 

Make it watertight.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Cymbeline]

Anti depressants of the ssri kind are great. They don't change your head I n strange ways. They just seem to take he edge away so that you have some space between your emotions and your reaction to those emotions. They give you some space to choose how you react and how you want to be.

 

I think you will be pleased at the way they help you through this.

[imsosad]

Good on you! 19 days NC is great!

I am a nurse,i can' even tell you how many of my patients were or are on antidepressants.

It is practically the norm and has been so luch help to many of them. You know it takes a whike before they kick in,right?

It is interesting what privategal wrote about people caving in at around at 21-30 days. My ex mm broke nc one month to the day. I can see how that is a fragile time. The first two months of NC were so, so hard.

I always share that once i got past about 3 months of NC, i knew for sure i wasnt toing to break it. I still missed him (let's be honest, i still do now and it has been 9 freaking months) but i got through the worst and it would be crazy to backtrack.

You will remain strong. It will hurt,but you will pull through. Feeling pain while knowing you are doing the right thing is tolerable.

You can do this and in time, you will feel better.

It has taken me months,literally. I finally reached a point where i can feel happy at times and/or not think.of my ex ap for long stretches of time.

I still cant imagine going a day without him invading my mind,but i have to believe it will happen.

I really feel your pain, big hug.

[Ophelia25]

19 days, 3 months, ugh! - seems so far away! I hope I get there, too. And I am eagerly awaiting the first hint (aside from the millions on here, I know) that I'm not going to feel like this forever.

 

I can, though, speak to the anti-depressant thing. I have a little different case than some because I am VERY sensitive and resistant to meds - they just tend to take over my brain and I feel so drugged that I can't function. I've been off and on pretty much everything there is for about ten years trying to manage anxiety and depression. I'm not fixed yet, but I'm mostly functional, except when things happen like APs go cold on me.

 

I'm on a very small daily dosage of Cymbalta, and I think it helps me on a day-to-day basis. However, they do have a tendency to lessen inhibitions, and that may be at the root of some of my issues - I seem to care less about right and wrong, and just DO things without thinking them through. Having always been a conscious overthinker, to the point of obsession, this is an aspect that I have to work through and try to deal with - am I doing the things I would "normally" do or am I letting the drugs kill my good sense? I haven't quite sorted this out.

 

At times like this, when I am really just so confused and unhappy that I can't focus on my life, I have a supply of Alproazam (Xanax) that I take 1/2 a pill at a time. I HATE doing it, because it makes me sleepy and sluggish, but it acts quickly and it takes the edge off. I'm still sad, but I can distance myself enough from the sadness to not weep, and then sort of get my stuff done. I take it very sparingly, I think I've taken 5 1/2 pills in the last 8 days, though. But normally, I don't need it, and it's nice to know it's there if I do.

 

Am I dependent on the drugs? Yep? Would I rather not be? Yep. But I had periods of debilitating anxiety about nothing that would just keep me curled up on the couch for days, and now I don't. I just have a stupid affair instead. And misery. Trade-off, I guess. But, drugs can help.

[solonely9]

Oh, Babs. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I could see you and hug you in person. I have been thinking about you. On one hand, I am so sad for you, but, on the other, it is nice to hear from you.

Just stay strong. Stay strong and keep on posting here. You've been doing great and are a role model for me. As you know, I broke NC and although it didn't bring me back to square one, it didn't help either. I understand perfectly what you're going through, as I am also sick of this sadness. I feel overwhelmed, tired, desperate, upset, sad, etc. It is exhausting.

Remember though that you're doing all the right things. Discovering other underlying issues is a major breakthrough, I think. I just saw my therapist and that's exactly what we talked about - what are the real reasons why I feel depressed and how to deal with them and not with the consequences from the affair.

You're doing great. You will get over this.

Hugs

[Babsinhealing]

Its ok, you are normal.

Go easy. Be careful to give yourself credit. My doctor says several patients per day are treated for depression and anxiety.

You are not your past or mistakes and your seeking active measures to get healthy. Thats so great!

19 days is too!!

Around 21 to 30 day mark in NC is when people usually cave.

You wont though.

You came this far. You will miss him and feel the void for a good bit.

Also normal and common at the end.

Cry...let it hurt. Just keep letting it hurt until...it doesnt.

The day will come.

Biggest HUG. Praying for you.

Thanks Privategal- your words and advice always make me feel better. I appreciate your support and hugs! I think I've been in denial with depression and anxiety so long, specific to obsessive thoughts and worry, that I just felt it was normal. This happened before my A and just magnified post DD. Stay strong yourself- I know you've been struggling and I send you strength, happiness and a big hug back.

[Babsinhealing]

You are doing great! 19 days NC! It is still early and you are deep in grieving. Give yourself time, but deal with the issues head on in therapy. It sounds like you are looking within yourself to make changes in your life that will lead to something better! I couldn't pull myself out of depression either and had to go on anti-depressants. They have helped me a lot but it took some trial and error and having to try out a few different medications to find out which one was right for me.

 

I know what you mean about a "new reality" I too, even though I am currently a BS, have too experienced this new reality some bad and some good. And I have days just like you have described where I'm crying and have to cancel or reschedule plans. I quit working out too for over a year now and am trying to get back into that again.

 

Keep trying (((Babs))) for you. Find out what makes you happy that doesn't involve relationships or love.

Thanks ladydesigner - I appreciate your encouragement. I plan on being strong with the NC. I've actually always been good at that. Even when we were in the height of the A, I never texted or called first. Im not one to chase... Although I admit, it always feels good to be chased. But my chase days are over right now- my focus is on me and getting healthy and balanced again. Thanks for sharing your experience with the ani-depressants. Best of luck with your situation and I hope you find your own peace and happiness soon.

[Babsinhealing]

I know people are so anti-antidepressant or at least adverse to them. They hold a stigma that is really unfortunate. As you said, if you had any other illness you would take medication for it. I've been on antidepressants for years- I started after I had a series of panic attacks (I actually got Xanax for the panic attacks and the AD after seeing a therapist.) I just knew I didn't feel well. I still get depressed/ sad/ lonely but it's not as bad as it was before. It's not taking away your feelings, just makes it easier to cope. They truly do help. You don't have to be on them forever. Some people are, some people just use them to get through a difficult time and then go off. Some people go off and on them periodically.

 

I hope this helps and allows you to clear away some of the emotional muck and able to get to and heal the heart of what's going on with you.

 

sending you hugs.

Thanks rainbowandkisses- I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences with antidepressants/anti-anxiety. It's scary but coping is something I'm just not really capable of right now. I feel I hit rock bottom and I just need help. Getting thru this emotional muck (great way to describe it) is mandatory right now. Thanks again for your kind words and Best of luck on your ongoing healing journey!

[ShatteredLady]

When I was first diagnosed with a chronic degenerative spine I convinced myself that I could get by with diet & exercise. I found a physical therapist (3x a week) a specialist massage therapist (2x a week) a TENS machine that sends little electric shocks into my spine, decompression, inversion, meditation & visualization....I did it ALL. Anything to avoid the dreaded pain meds!

 

Anyone who shares my condition would be smiling knowingly at this point in my story!

 

I had to accept that quality of life trumps any fear of medications.

 

Once you are on a regular regimen of meds you cease to feel the negative, soporific, drugged-up feelings. You honestly do!

 

I take morphine every single day & I truly feel NOTHING except a reduction in pain. I know that's an extreme. I just wanted people to understand. It's NOT just me! It's the expected medical response to consistent use of medication. It's NORMAL.

 

If they changed my meds today I would feel 'spaced-out' & so sleepy for weeks. Most strong meds take about 4-6 weeks to settle & side effects to disappear.

 

Antidepressants CAN change the way your brain works. They can make you susceptible to behaviors that are not 'normal' for you. They can give you headaches, sweats etc. Sometimes it's trial & error until you find the right meds for you.

 

Anyone starting these meds I'd advise to have a friend to keep an eye on you WITH you...just for the first couple of months.

 

Please believe me, medications can make so much positive change in your life! The human brain can only take so much. Bad chemical balance in your brain can become a 'habit', the norm & it can NEED medications to 'reset' the balance.

 

Don't be afraid of asking your doctor for help.

 

Always remember slow titration up & down with powerful medications. NEVER just stop 'cold turkey'. Now I've started & stopped MANY meds in my life & I've ALWAYS followed medical advise & I've NEVER had problems.

 

Best wishes for all who are suffering. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes it takes a while to come into focus.

 

Life is a journey. If you screw-up today just promise to do better tomorrow. It's never too late to become the person that you want to be. Be strong beautiful ladies.

[Babsinhealing]

Good on you! 19 days NC is great!

I am a nurse,i can' even tell you how many of my patients were or are on antidepressants.

It is practically the norm and has been so luch help to many of them. You know it takes a whike before they kick in,right?

It is interesting what privategal wrote about people caving in at around at 21-30 days. My ex mm broke nc one month to the day. I can see how that is a fragile time. The first two months of NC were so, so hard.

I always share that once i got past about 3 months of NC, i knew for sure i wasnt toing to break it. I still missed him (let's be honest, i still do now and it has been 9 freaking months) but i got through the worst and it would be crazy to backtrack.

You will remain strong. It will hurt,but you will pull through. Feeling pain while knowing you are doing the right thing is tolerable.

You can do this and in time, you will feel better.

It has taken me months,literally. I finally reached a point where i can feel happy at times and/or not think.of my ex ap for long stretches of time.

I still cant imagine going a day without him invading my mind,but i have to believe it will happen.

I really feel your pain, big hug.

Imsosad- your profile name sums says it all... I know how you are feeling (hugs). Believe it or not I am a clinician myself! So I know all about these drugs (MOA, side effects, etc) but I use to think they were for "other" people with "problems". It's so surreal to think I'm one of those people now. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have no expectations that I will wake up miraculously healed with him buried deep in my memories. However, to be able to cope better with grief and feel something different than a dark, doomed feeling - that is my goal! Stay strong and I wish you inner peace with your ongoing struggles.

[Babsinhealing]

19 days, 3 months, ugh! - seems so far away! I hope I get there, too. And I am eagerly awaiting the first hint (aside from the millions on here, I know) that I'm not going to feel like this forever.

 

I can, though, speak to the anti-depressant thing. I have a little different case than some because I am VERY sensitive and resistant to meds - they just tend to take over my brain and I feel so drugged that I can't function. I've been off and on pretty much everything there is for about ten years trying to manage anxiety and depression. I'm not fixed yet, but I'm mostly functional, except when things happen like APs go cold on me.

 

I'm on a very small daily dosage of Cymbalta, and I think it helps me on a day-to-day basis. However, they do have a tendency to lessen inhibitions, and that may be at the root of some of my issues - I seem to care less about right and wrong, and just DO things without thinking them through. Having always been a conscious overthinker, to the point of obsession, this is an aspect that I have to work through and try to deal with - am I doing the things I would "normally" do or am I letting the drugs kill my good sense? I haven't quite sorted this out.

 

At times like this, when I am really just so confused and unhappy that I can't focus on my life, I have a supply of Alproazam (Xanax) that I take 1/2 a pill at a time. I HATE doing it, because it makes me sleepy and sluggish, but it acts quickly and it takes the edge off. I'm still sad, but I can distance myself enough from the sadness to not weep, and then sort of get my stuff done. I take it very sparingly, I think I've taken 5 1/2 pills in the last 8 days, though. But normally, I don't need it, and it's nice to know it's there if I do.

 

Am I dependent on the drugs? Yep? Would I rather not be? Yep. But I had periods of debilitating anxiety about nothing that would just keep me curled up on the couch for days, and now I don't. I just have a stupid affair instead. And misery. Trade-off, I guess. But, drugs can help.

Thank you Ophelia25- sounds like you've had some positive/negative experiences with these drugs. I truly appreciate you sharing the good, bad and ugly. The drug I'm starting is Celexa- wish me luck! Also, yes- I'm also looking forward to the day where I can look back and say- wow, I've come so far. (Hugs!)

[Babsinhealing]

Oh, Babs. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I could see you and hug you in person. I have been thinking about you. On one hand, I am so sad for you, but, on the other, it is nice to hear from you.

Just stay strong. Stay strong and keep on posting here. You've been doing great and are a role model for me. As you know, I broke NC and although it didn't bring me back to square one, it didn't help either. I understand perfectly what you're going through, as I am also sick of this sadness. I feel overwhelmed, tired, desperate, upset, sad, etc. It is exhausting.

Remember though that you're doing all the right things. Discovering other underlying issues is a major breakthrough, I think. I just saw my therapist and that's exactly what we talked about - what are the real reasons why I feel depressed and how to deal with them and not with the consequences from the affair.

You're doing great. You will get over this.

Hugs

Solonely9- always great to hear from you. I think if you every day, wondering how you are! Thank you for the encouragement- just when I feel like I'm doing awful- I get reminders from gals like you telling me how good and strong I'm doing. I almost look behind me when I read things like that expecting it to be for someone else! I know you had a small hiccup but don't let that deter your healing. As someone said recently (and I loved it) we are not the NC police. We all make bad decision (a-hem, or we wouldn't be on this forum) but we are here to uplift, encourage and support others that are struggling. That's my plan for everyone I support. I have no plans to pass judgement- gosh I have no right, ever! Stay strong my friend and I will gladly take your hug and I send you one back (Solonely).

[Satu]

snip

 

 

Anyone who shares my condition would be smiling knowingly at this point in my story!

 

I had to accept that quality of life trumps any fear of medications.

 

Absolutely.

 

I am being treated for Tuberculosis at the moment, which means six to nine months on five of the strongest antibiotics made, plus very strong painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs.

 

Was on five antibiotics, now on four.

 

There is no cure without these antibiotics; nothing else works.

 

I don't like them, but I take them.

[Babsinhealing]

When I was first diagnosed with a chronic degenerative spine I convinced myself that I could get by with diet & exercise. I found a physical therapist (3x a week) a specialist massage therapist (2x a week) a TENS machine that sends little electric shocks into my spine, decompression, inversion, meditation & visualization....I did it ALL. Anything to avoid the dreaded pain meds!

 

Anyone who shares my condition would be smiling knowingly at this point in my story!

 

I had to accept that quality of life trumps any fear of medications.

 

Once you are on a regular regimen of meds you cease to feel the negative, soporific, drugged-up feelings. You honestly do!

 

I take morphine every single day & I truly feel NOTHING except a reduction in pain. I know that's an extreme. I just wanted people to understand. It's NOT just me! It's the expected medical response to consistent use of medication. It's NORMAL.

 

If they changed my meds today I would feel 'spaced-out' & so sleepy for weeks. Most strong meds take about 4-6 weeks to settle & side effects to disappear.

 

Antidepressants CAN change the way your brain works. They can make you susceptible to behaviors that are not 'normal' for you. They can give you headaches, sweats etc. Sometimes it's trial & error until you find the right meds for you.

 

Anyone starting these meds I'd advise to have a friend to keep an eye on you WITH you...just for the first couple of months.

 

Please believe me, medications can make so much positive change in your life! The human brain can only take so much. Bad chemical balance in your brain can become a 'habit', the norm & it can NEED medications to 'reset' the balance.

 

Don't be afraid of asking your doctor for help.

 

Always remember slow titration up & down with powerful medications. NEVER just stop 'cold turkey'. Now I've started & stopped MANY meds in my life & I've ALWAYS followed medical advise & I've NEVER had problems.

 

Best wishes for all who are suffering. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes it takes a while to come into focus.

 

Life is a journey. If you screw-up today just promise to do better tomorrow. It's never too late to become the person that you want to be. Be strong beautiful ladies.

Shatteredlady- your journey makes me stop and appreciate the positive things I have in my life (like my health). I'm lately so caught up in my own nightmare, I forget others are dealing with debilitating conditions on top of emotional crisis! I'm so pleased you have found medication that works for you. As a clinician I have seen so many struggle with pain management so I'm happy to hear you have found something effective. I'm also very open to the idea that this new medication may not be the best fit for me. However, I won't know until I try! I also know how traumatic it is to go cold turkey- heck I know how hard going cold turkey with my xMM has been- let alone drugs that alter my serotonin! Thanks for sharing your insight and I wish you peace and comfort in the days to come.

[Babsinhealing]

snip

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

I am being treated for Tuberculosis at the moment, which means six to nine months on five of the strongest antibiotics made, plus very strong painkillers and anti-inflammatory drugs.

 

Was on five antibiotics, now on four.

 

There is no cure without these antibiotics; nothing else works.

 

I don't like them, but I take them.

Speedy recovery, Satu. I know there are some antibiotic resistant TB challenges out there now and hope you aren't dealing with that. Hope you find healing in your future and thank you as always for sharing your wisdom.

[Satu]

Speedy recovery, Satu. I know there are some antibiotic resistant TB challenges out there now and hope you aren't dealing with that. Hope you find healing in your future and thank you as always for sharing your wisdom.

 

Thanks very much. Appreciated.

[Babsinhealing]

Anti depressants of the ssri kind are great. They don't change your head I n strange ways. They just seem to take he edge away so that you have some space between your emotions and your reaction to those emotions. They give you some space to choose how you react and how you want to be.

 

I think you will be pleased at the way they help you through this.

Thank you! That is my hope!! I appreciate your insight!

[Pili-Pala]

I am sorry for how your feeling babs. I hope you are not being to hard on yourself. Sounds like you are making some big personal discoveries, and although this will no doubt be a hard road ahead, I am glad it is leading you towards healing. Hugs to you.

[13Hearts]

I have a lot of experience with depression and its treatment. I can tell you without any hesitation that depression is a TRUE medical illness. For many people it is a chronic illness. For some, it is situational.

 

Depression is NOT a character defect, a weakness, or a personality disorder. It's a disease. And yes, it needs to be treated, just like any other illness. Avoiding treatment can make the illness worse, much like walking on an untreated broken leg. Once you have "caught" depression, you are susceptible to "catching" it again so you have to learn what are your triggers and symptoms so that you can do what you need to prevent it in the future, and identify it if and when you "come down with" depression again.

 

Everything's going to be okay. Give yourself time. Accept where you are for right now and try to imagine a positive future, if you can. If you can't, find that one little thing that is THE MOST important thing to you right now, and hold onto that. Try to remember who you used to be. Thumb through old photos and things that can remind you of who you are. Get in touch with positive, uplifting, supportive friends and family. Avoid negative, toxic people and relationships like the plague that they are.

 

Take good care of yourself. Try to get some exercise. If you cannot go to the gym, walk in your neighborhood. Start small. Just put on your shoes and walk to the end of your street and back. Build from there.

 

PM me if you need any help with anything or need any fighting depression tips. I've been dealing with it for decades. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

 

❤❤❤

[Josmatjes]

<< moderator note: previous thread with background information: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/572783-tormented-after-affair-ended >>

 

I'm soooo sick of crying and feeling this profound loss and sadness... I'm officially 19 days NC from my xMM, which I initiated- and everyday I feel like I've been stabbed. I just can't deny it- I miss him, his friendship, the joy and happiness he brought into my life for almost 2 years. It's like a death I've never experienced and I've experienced that type of loss. I sat in my therapist office today trying to hold it together for my weekly visit with my business suit on and my makeup intact, knowing I had to go to a meeting immediately after- so much for that- and my makeup. Instead, I went through the McDonald's drive thru- ordered something horrible for me, blew off my meeting, came home and cried again. What a way to live.

 

So, I surrender to my new reality ...I'm starting antidepressants today. My doctor, therapist and now myself realize this goes deeper than grief and it's not just the loss of my A that I'm grieving- it's how I used my A and AP as a bandaid for other challenges in my life (including my sexless marriage) that I have been repressing now for many years. And how this situation has added to my already deep abandonment issues and that I've probably had intrinsic depression for years and just denied it - looked for other ways to feel anything remotely "happy". I've denied it all along, saying Im fine, I can get over this, I am strong, time heals (and I do believe it heals some- I'm not naive) but I guess when you try to do everything right to get back on track (for years) and you are in a perpetual state of darkness, hopelessness and sadness- sometimes not even therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, crying ...or affairs can heal.

 

To be honest- I'm nervous because I've never taken an antidepressant. I'm as healthy as they come and I don't need prescription medication normally but I just can't do this "alone" anymore. If I broke my arm or if had diabetes, I would treat it... Why not my "heart and mind" and this obvious "imbalance". My therapist even told me- logically you are doing everything right for your current emotional crisis... NC, grieving, therapy, exercising. But sometimes logic and the heart don't talk or agree. And the reaction to this new loss should elicit normal grief but add depression and abandonment issues to the mix and you now have a toxic emotional crisis that could lead to detrimental consequences if you don't get help. Wow- talk about an eye opening wake up call... And a little relief that there could be hope on the horizon.

 

I'm sure many of you can relate. I will keep you posted on my progress but I wanted to stop in and say that I'm forever thankful for all of you helping me to get through this terrible time. For all the empathy, kind words, support many of you have shown me since I joined LS.. Thank you! (Hugs)

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking something to help you. The pain when the A ends is absolutely horrible. I'm a year and a half out and I still have days now and then when it all comes rushing back. But I look at it now as a unhealthy addiction. I exercise and I pray and listen to Joel osteen and I've taken up crocheting( lol) it's very therapeutic! I even asked my therapist about hypnosis to forget him I said as that depressed. I don't know if I'm the best to give advice but I will say that you will get stronger everyday! I even have a playlist that I named "stronger" that I listened to in my car. Just gear yourself towards healing!! You can do it...and I don't know if you believe in God but praying helps me also...

[bubbaganoosh]

OK. What your going through is normal but you have to hold on to your values and dignity and not give in. I know the feeling.

 

Long time ago when I was a lot younger, I was in the army and when I came home from Vietnam in April of 68, I got engaged to my girlfriend of three years. It was a great day when I put the ring on her finger. I was home for 45 days and then had to go to Germany for a year and a half until November of 69, then be discharged.

 

I left after my 45 day leave was up and remained faithful to her. We wrote each other all the time and all was well.

 

In October of 68 I got a real thick letter from her and I thought I was getting a "Dear John" but after I read it, the last page she tells me she's pregnant and wanted to know if I wanted her and the baby. I called her that day and told her that I did and would be home at Christmas and we would get married and that's what I did.

 

Now the nightmare begins. Two weeks after I marry her I find out that the baby she's carrying isn't mine. Hit me like a ton of bricks and I was hurting like never before.

 

She cheated on me with some guy who didn't have two nickles to rub together and he had no way of paying for all the medical bills so she decided to play her ace in the hole. Her and this bum talked about it and since she was engaged to a guy in the military, she would tell me that the kid was mine, I marry her, she becomes a dependent and married to a serviceman and the Govt foots the bill. Nice huh?

 

Well her plan worked to perfection and when I found out about it I was a dollar short and a day late. I went back to Germany and had to make her a dependent or I would get stuck with all the bills. I had to come home again in April of 69 when my dad had a major heart attack and help out being he was self employed. She was due to have the baby in late March and early April and when I got home, she still didn't have it. She had it at the end of May and if you count back that means that she got pregnant in July and I was in Europe.

 

She called me a year or so later and I hung up on her. I did a NC for 40 years. Yeah 40 long years and back in 07 she contacted me and I decided to talk to her and I told her that I have questions and she has answers. Know what I got out of that? One excuse after another. Some dumber then the others but none the less excuses and never took the blame for what she did.

 

Point I'm making is this, I survived. You will too. I was hurt like never before just like you and I survived. You will to. When you feel like you need to here from him, just remember the reasons why you chose NC. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve a lot better and stick to your guns and you'll survive, trust me and good luck to you.