My new reality after my affair ended

[Grey Cloud]

What I don't get Jenkins and Dylon (and this is the 10 million dollar question), if you have all these emotions for someone, why not be with her? I just don't get it. Don't take this as an attack, obviously I don't know you IRL. But xMM said that same stuff, as if he was in a Chinese prison. I can't speak for him but you seem to have a ton of love for these women. But yet you stay with someone else, counting the days of NC, as if there is some award at the end. I just don't get it.

 

And don't think I don't understand. I do - more than you know. I'm married, 2 little kids, stay at home spouse. But I left in December because I was so messed in the head when xMM said he wanted to leave his wife to be with me. Obviously he immediately backed down and H insisted I come home. But I would have done it. My H is not a consolation prize. He is 100% percent aware and made the choice to wait out my feelings for xMM believing it was all his fault and he wanted to stay married. So I'm here.

 

Its one thing if you are like Charger66 who is honest about not loving OW and just using her but you seem to seriously love these women. What gives? Why do you stay? I can't wrap my head around it. You are really prepared t feel like this for the rest of your life? Why? WHy not be with the person you love?

 

Interesting question Midnight and I look forward to hearing the responses from Jenkins and Dylon. For me I entered the affair because I was unhappy and it filled a void missing in my M. I assumed early on it was the same for xMM. I was surprised when I found out he was in a happy m and had regular sex with his w. I remember googling "why do happily married men cheat?".

I still can't quite get my head around it. When we were ending he said his Dad had been a serial cheat and his mum had always turned a blind eye to it. He had even caught his dad in the act with someone else as a boy and felt horrified! He felt his dad had not married out of love and so he was determined to marry for love. So he married his w and things are roses for 5 years. And then an EA started between the two of us which eventually turned physical. I think for him, the A recaptured feelings from his youth and his 20's and was an escape from responsibility. I think in the end he was dirty on himself for being the same as his Dad when he had vowed to himself not to. He said the whole thing with me had crept up on him. I understood he was never leaving his wife and ultimately he loved her. That worked for me at the time until my feelings grew. I think his grew too and he didn't know how to deal with it. Once it ended he said it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He could recommit to his w and the marriage and put it down to "losing his way" and "allowing something to develop when he shouldn't of". Because his m was never bad or sexless it was easier to understand the reasons why the A ended over the reasons why it started when he was so 'happy'.

 

For those MM who are in a sexless M or are unhappy and yet stick with their w's I think it has to do more with sticking with what is easier and what they know. Uprooting all of that for the OW, they will be judged by family and friends. They have to deal with the fallout, child support and visitation, dividing assets. Loss of respect. I think it's easier for them to stick with what they know and bury their head in the sand.

 

On the flip side if there is a d-day and they can see the hurt and destruction they have caused then there could truly be remorse and a feeling of love/wanting to reconnect with their wife. It doesn't mean they don't struggle with thoughts of the OW but they know in their hearts that an A doesn't compare to x years of marriage/history/memories/life built and shared together. However they are still dealing with the routine of day to day life so at times pine for the OW and the freedom and escape it brought them. However they realise it is only a fantasy at the end of the day. Therefore the stick with their M.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[lemondrop21]

What gives? Why do you stay? I can't wrap my head around it. You are really prepared t feel like this for the rest of your life? Why? WHy not be with the person you love?

 

I can't speak for Jenkins or Dylon of course, but just a thought... I'm guessing the goal is that they won't "feel like this the rest of their lives" but only time can bring clarity about that. I would probably do the same if I was married and felt things were salvageable. Cut it off with AP and make a bargain with myself that if I still truly wanted to be with AP in, say, 6 months or 1 year, then I could revisit the possibility.

 

On my kinder days, I do feel some compassion for my own xMM in that sense. He thought his marriage was totally dead. W didn't feel that way, and has done lots in the past year to improve herself and their relationship. So, now that things are better in a lot of ways, is he really supposed to up and leave, for the sake of "love," without giving it a fair shot? To tear apart a family, have his finances destroyed, for something that isn't even a sure bet? He loves his wife too, albeit in a different way, and the "magic" he feels with me would fade. Taking all of this into consideration, he is making the most rational choice.

[privategal]

Hi Babs,

I see from another thread he broke NC today.

I just want to help you stay strong.

Not only have you gone through agonizing grieving, but needed mecical care and medication.

Please do not allow him access again to you. Please heed my warning also I went back 20 times to the faux vague friendship as the history and attachment were excrutiating to shake.

My heart got broken worse each time.

I want to remind you in a kind way so you dont have to ever go back to this pain again...remember he said to you:

 

I think you were more vested in this than me" and " I'm trying to work on my marriage"

 

Hugs girl...please continue NC...he just gave your power back. Keep it.

(Note: if u already responded no judgement but I hope not)

[Babsinhealing]

Hi Babs,

I see from another thread he broke NC today.

I just want to help you stay strong.

Not only have you gone through agonizing grieving, but needed mecical care and medication.

Please do not allow him access again to you. Please heed my warning also I went back 20 times to the faux vague friendship as the history and attachment were excrutiating to shake.

My heart got broken worse each time.

I want to remind you in a kind way so you dont have to ever go back to this pain again...remember he said to you:

 

I think you were more vested in this than me" and " I'm trying to work on my marriage"

 

Hugs girl...please continue NC...he just gave your power back. Keep it.

(Note: if u already responded no judgement but I hope not)

Thanks for the encouragement, Privategal- I did not respond to his text. To be honest I expected it. I felt he was going to text soon... Intuition or something. To be honest I'm not sure how I feel. I wish I could lie and say I'm strong and determined... but I'm not. I'm weak like many after that first break in NC and curious as to what he wants- who wouldn't be. I am proud of myself for staying "strong" after all these weeks and sticking to NC although I've had to fight everyday. Im going to sleep on it...

[privategal]

Thanks for the encouragement, Privategal- I did not respond to his text. To be honest I expected it. I felt he was going to text soon... Intuition or something. To be honest I'm not sure how I feel. I wish I could lie and say I'm strong and determined... but I'm not. I'm weak like many after that first break in NC and curious as to what he wants- who wouldn't be. I am proud of myself for staying "strong" after all these weeks and sticking to NC although I've had to fight everyday. Im going to sleep on it...

 

Im going to spare you a long lengthy lecture as each of us are different on the inside and have to choose our own journey. Im rooting for you and know you will choose whats best for you.

I hope you can rest really well.

[Babsinhealing]

Im going to spare you a long lengthy lecture as each of us are different on the inside and have to choose our own journey. Im rooting for you and know you will choose whats best for you.

I hope you can rest really well.

Thanks! I wish he didn't text... I wish he stayed strong and was working on "fixing" his marriage... Which btw he said only after I told him I was ending our A. But I also know it's been dead for years and he has no remorse or drive to fix it. It takes YEARS of hard work and complete dedication to overcome infidelity (from what I read) and he checked out about 2 years before he met me (add almost two more years with our A) I wanted to think his W falling apart on DD would change something in him but deep down I knew he would be back someday. Ugh

[harrybrown]

Help yourself out.

 

Tell your H about your A and you will be free. File for D.

 

Then you can go back to the OM.

[privategal]

Thanks! I wish he didn't text... I wish he stayed strong and was working on "fixing" his marriage... Which btw he said only after I told him I was ending our A. But I also know it's been dead for years and he has no remorse or drive to fix it. It takes YEARS of hard work and complete dedication to overcome infidelity (from what I read) and he checked out about 2 years before he met me (add almost two more years with our A) I wanted to think his W falling apart on DD would change something in him but deep down I knew he would be back someday. Ugh

 

I think he might have had resolve if he had been the one to end it. Since you did, he struggles more.

Hes at a crossroads with two unhappy women on each side.

Knowing the work he has to do with his wife is going to be grueling, hard and an uphill climb, he sees you being the easier option to fix things with in order to have the escape back.

I just re-read Dylons posts. Its heartbreaking what he went through.

His wife was so upset and falling apart and he said his ow upset and raging made him feel he lost his only support system. Perhaps he sees you as his only support system during this post dday storm as Dylon did.

[Grey Cloud]

Babs - I cant believe it, something is definitely in the water! Around day 30 seems to be the key time. You are very strong for not replying. All I can say is that even if you do respond the end result will still be the same. Things will NEVER be the same as they used to be. We can pine, miss, be angry and/or be sad as much as we want but it is what it is. I have just updated my thread again. Your xMM may be different but mine is very pragmatic and realistic. I am going to try and be the same as much as I can moving forwards. Hugs!

[Pili-Pala]

Thanks for the encouragement, Privategal- I did not respond to his text. To be honest I expected it. I felt he was going to text soon... Intuition or something. To be honest I'm not sure how I feel. I wish I could lie and say I'm strong and determined... but I'm not. I'm weak like many after that first break in NC and curious as to what he wants- who wouldn't be. I am proud of myself for staying "strong" after all these weeks and sticking to NC although I've had to fight everyday. Im going to sleep on it...

 

Oh no, Babs! I just had to search your posts to find your comment on him breaking NC in other thread. Man it is tough isn't it. But like you I knew it would come and I felt weirdly relieved in some ways it had finally come instead of hanging over me as a thing yet to happen, a step to get out of the way if you like. But it didn't mean I was in any way better prepared or able to not be hurt by it unfortunately. I just felt I was doing really really well but I wasn't being really challenged - well then I was challenged.

 

The thing I think I did wrong for me however was respond. I have spent the last two days wishing I had not done so. But I guess what's done is done and I will do better next time. I understand the curiosity, but I think all you will likely get is more lies and so you will still be none the wiser to the truth of the situation. Actually I am not sure that 'lies' is the right word as my xMM doesn't really lie to me - it's more a distorted perception of reality. I believe he believes it. But for example, mine said things were awful and family was falling apart and he might not even be going on family holiday, and where is he now? On his family holiday! All it does is seem to raise more and more questions...

 

I also understand the need to tell him you are doing great, but being torn to do so as you are not and you feel it's a lie - well why not let your silence do the talking maybe?

 

I think this their breaking NC is going to be a big struggle for because as both our xMM seem to be people who have "checked out" of their marriage and are not committed to fixing it. Couldn't even make the decision to end A themselves and left it to us. We have to get ourselves a battle plan.

 

Hope you got sleep and that you find strength to do what you feel is right for you and will help your progress.

[solonely9]

Pili-Pala,

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You work together, so NC is probably ten times more difficult for you. You have two weeks to regroup and to take back control.

 

Hugs.

[solonely9]

Oh, wow! I had the feeling that he is going to break NC, Babs. Four cases in a few days - you, Pili-Pala, Grey Cloud, and me, and I think that all of us appeared here around the same time. There must be some science to it.

 

And you didn't answer. Some will power you have.

 

Hugs.

[Adoraxx]

Oh, wow! I had the feeling that he is going to break NC, Babs. Four cases in a few days - you, Pili-Pala, Grey Cloud, and me, and I think that all of us appeared here around the same time. There must be some science to it.

 

And you didn't answer. Some will power you have.

 

Hugs.

 

Five cases actually... my xMM emailed me on April's Fool's Day but I haven't responded. It was just a "hello Adoraxx" email , and then the next day he sent "how are you doing now?" Strange that they all seem to break NC around the same time???

[solonely9]

And Adoraxx too. Her XMM reappeared too after 183 days.

[Cymbeline]

'' I think I did wrong for me however was respond. I have spent the last two days wishing I had not done so. But I guess what's done is done and I will do better next time. I understand the curiosity, but I think all you will likely get is more lies and so you will still be none the wiser to the truth of the situation. Actually I am not sure that 'lies' is the right word as my xMM doesn't really lie to me - it's more a distorted perception of reality. I believe he believes it. But for example, mine said things were awful and family was falling apart and he might not even be going on family holiday, and where is he now? On his family holiday! All it does is seem to raise more and more questions...''

 

I think you did really well little butterfly ?. This will sound patronising but you have come a long way since your first posts.

 

It's been said before but they can't really be second guessed because they are in a bad place. I do not believe it's necessarily permanent weakness of character. Instead,, I believe male depression and responses to stress or crisis have been under examined in the past and recently, more research has been done which suggests this kind of behaviour (affairs and the aftermath) is a maladaptive response to stress or depression etc.

 

Unfortunately, you and their wider family get taken down with them. If you are his third affair he is unable to see this for himself and isn't getting the right help to fix his psychological state.

 

I also understand testosterone is responsible for very much increased focus on a goal ( in this case, you). which can lead to this kind of obsessive response. It is telling that personality traits that cause addictive behaviours are also the same traits that are valued by corporations and lead to senior promotions at work. It's very likely he has other similar behaviours at times in his life - not necessarily damaging ones like affairs or drinking too much, but perhaps spending money or obsessive hobbies or something like that.

 

 

I am sure he is going to repeat this behaviour with you, even if he risks reputation and respect among colleagues (and he assuredly will as will you, whether you recognise this or not. other attached people feel vulnerable when they witness affairs at work and will not approve, despite their continued professionally cordial attitude to you). I think this because I believe they often feel powerless to stop the contact even if they want to.

 

Of the kindly and helpful male contributors to LS, one says he has suffered depression previously and is clearly suffering now.

 

Another has got himself in this awful tizzy, despite never actually meeting his OW in the flesh. In our digital age, this kind of online affair may be considered 'normal' , but think about it - in reality it is pathological behaviour and is crying out for professional intervention.

 

You sound an enormously capable young woman. Find a mentally healthy male to honour with your love.

 

Some quotations from a psychiatrist, interested in the MM/ Single woman combination:

 

'Typically, women and men who become involved like this are remarkably

uninsightful about the underlying dynamics that have driven them to become involved with one another....a woman in this position tends not to give much thought to the role that unavailability plays in her attraction to the MM.......

The MM...tend to be just as unconscious about what motivates their behaviour as are the women they pursue......those [in this situation] can be quite difficult to treat, given how unpsychologically minded they tend to be, at least when it comes to a consideration of this aspect of their behaviour'

 

'if the MM attempts to decide with whom he ultimately prefers to be, he soon finds himself psychologically and emotionally I equipped to answer that question. In part this is because he does not know his own mind. Ambivalence reigns and decision maki g is rendered impossible. Even if the man exhibits complete decisiveness in other areas of his life, interpersonal conflict resolution is not his long suit. That is partly why he got himself into such a jam in the first place.'

 

There is lots more but he states the liaisons are almost never successful (ie end in marriage) and come with all the agony and ecstasy of addiction. It's often a passive aggressive response on the part of the man to a wife he regards as controlling or who limits his activities somehow. In an affair, the MM gets to create the illusion that HE is in control and that he can pick between two women who are fighting over him.

 

Whatever.....None of this can be good for you and your future happiness, Pili Pala.

 

Good luck in finding someone to love who deserves it and can return it properly.

[Grey Cloud]

'' I think I did wrong for me however was respond. I have spent the last two days wishing I had not done so. But I guess what's done is done and I will do better next time. I understand the curiosity, but I think all you will likely get is more lies and so you will still be none the wiser to the truth of the situation. Actually I am not sure that 'lies' is the right word as my xMM doesn't really lie to me - it's more a distorted perception of reality. I believe he believes it. But for example, mine said things were awful and family was falling apart and he might not even be going on family holiday, and where is he now? On his family holiday! All it does is seem to raise more and more questions...''

 

I think you did really well little butterfly ?. This will sound patronising but you have come a long way since your first posts.

 

It's been said before but they can't really be second guessed because they are in a bad place. I do not believe it's necessarily permanent weakness of character. Instead,, I believe male depression and responses to stress or crisis have been under examined in the past and recently, more research has been done which suggests this kind of behaviour (affairs and the aftermath) is a maladaptive response to stress or depression etc.

 

Unfortunately, you and their wider family get taken down with them. If you are his third affair he is unable to see this for himself and isn't getting the right help to fix his psychological state.

 

I also understand testosterone is responsible for very much increased focus on a goal ( in this case, you). which can lead to this kind of obsessive response. It is telling that personality traits that cause addictive behaviours are also the same traits that are valued by corporations and lead to senior promotions at work. It's very likely he has other similar behaviours at times in his life - not necessarily damaging ones like affairs or drinking too much, but perhaps spending money or obsessive hobbies or something like that.

 

 

I am sure he is going to repeat this behaviour with you, even if he risks reputation and respect among colleagues (and he assuredly will as will you, whether you recognise this or not. other attached people feel vulnerable when they witness affairs at work and will not approve, despite their continued professionally cordial attitude to you). I think this because I believe they often feel powerless to stop the contact even if they want to.

 

Of the kindly and helpful male contributors to LS, one says he has suffered depression previously and is clearly suffering now.

 

Another has got himself in this awful tizzy, despite never actually meeting his OW in the flesh. In our digital age, this kind of online affair may be considered 'normal' , but think about it - in reality it is pathological behaviour and is crying out for professional intervention.

 

You sound an enormously capable young woman. Find a mentally healthy male to honour with your love.

 

Some quotations from a psychiatrist, interested in the MM/ Single woman combination:

 

'Typically, women and men who become involved like this are remarkably

uninsightful about the underlying dynamics that have driven them to become involved with one another....a woman in this position tends not to give much thought to the role that unavailability plays in her attraction to the MM.......

The MM...tend to be just as unconscious about what motivates their behaviour as are the women they pursue......those [in this situation] can be quite difficult to treat, given how unpsychologically minded they tend to be, at least when it comes to a consideration of this aspect of their behaviour'

 

'if the MM attempts to decide with whom he ultimately prefers to be, he soon finds himself psychologically and emotionally I equipped to answer that question. In part this is because he does not know his own mind. Ambivalence reigns and decision maki g is rendered impossible. Even if the man exhibits complete decisiveness in other areas of his life, interpersonal conflict resolution is not his long suit. That is partly why he got himself into such a jam in the first place.'

 

There is lots more but he states the liaisons are almost never successful (ie end in marriage) and come with all the agony and ecstasy of addiction. It's often a passive aggressive response on the part of the man to a wife he regards as controlling or who limits his activities somehow. In an affair, the MM gets to create the illusion that HE is in control and that he can pick between two women who are fighting over him.

 

Whatever.....None of this can be good for you and your future happiness, Pili Pala.

 

Good luck in finding someone to love who deserves it and can return it properly.

 

Wow, this is interesting research!

[Adoraxx]

There is lots more but he states the liaisons are almost never successful (ie end in marriage) and come with all the agony and ecstasy of addiction. It's often a passive aggressive response on the part of the man to a wife he regards as controlling or who limits his activities somehow. In an affair, the MM gets to create the illusion that HE is in control and that he can pick between two women who are fighting over him.

 

Yes, very interesting!! I totally believe that this is true

[heartwhole]

''

'Typically, women and men who become involved like this are remarkably

uninsightful about the underlying dynamics that have driven them to become involved with one another....a woman in this position tends not to give much thought to the role that unavailability plays in her attraction to the MM.......

The MM...tend to be just as unconscious about what motivates their behaviour as are the women they pursue......those [in this situation] can be quite difficult to treat, given how unpsychologically minded they tend to be, at least when it comes to a consideration of this aspect of their behaviour'

 

'if the MM attempts to decide with whom he ultimately prefers to be, he soon finds himself psychologically and emotionally I equipped to answer that question. In part this is because he does not know his own mind. Ambivalence reigns and decision maki g is rendered impossible. Even if the man exhibits complete decisiveness in other areas of his life, interpersonal conflict resolution is not his long suit. That is partly why he got himself into such a jam in the first place.'

 

 

This makes a lot of sense. I often ruefully wish that the OW had realized how conflict-avoidant my husband is. That's WHY he was in an affair to begin with. So to expect him to say, "And now I will just face this head on and divorce my wife and be with you!" was a pipe dream.

 

And if he had just faced the issues that made him susceptible to an extramarital relationship, we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. He sure had a whole litany of gripes ready to go on DD that he had never bothered to mention beforehand. How was I supposed to address issues he never shared? Oh right, it was my fault that he didn't share them because I'm too scary and mean . . . And around and around they go.

[heartwhole]

More on the conflict avoidance . . . I recently hired a cleaning person who turned out to be the world's worst cleaner. I was asking WH for advice before I gave her one chance to rise to my expectations or part ways, and then I thought back to the string of terrible assistants he's had over the years. He would always be unhappy and frustrated but would address it in the most indirect, passive way, if at all. He would just hope that the assistant would get a new job to solve his problem for him. So I thought, "Note to self: don't ask husband for advice on dealing with conflict." I did have to fire her, and I'm so glad I did. There's simply no reason to be stuck in an unhappy situation. I'm sure his former assistants would have appreciated actual feedback on why they weren't meeting expectations instead of a general feeling of frustration, just as I would have appreciated him figuring out why he was unhappy and telling me before he went and got a secret girlfriend and got her hopes up for nothing.

[Cymbeline]

More on the conflict avoidance . . . I recently hired a cleaning person who turned out to be the world's worst cleaner. I was asking WH for advice before I gave her one chance to rise to my expectations or part ways, and then I thought back to the string of terrible assistants he's had over the years. He would always be unhappy and frustrated but would address it in the most indirect, passive way, if at all. He would just hope that the assistant would get a new job to solve his problem for him. So I thought, "Note to self: don't ask husband for advice on dealing with conflict." I did have to fire her, and I'm so glad I did. There's simply no reason to be stuck in an unhappy situation. I'm sure his former assistants would have appreciated actual feedback on why they weren't meeting expectations instead of a general feeling of frustration, just as I would have appreciated him figuring out why he was unhappy and telling me before he went and got a secret girlfriend and got her hopes up for nothing.

 

My WH is in a high level job which involves mediation and conflict resolution. ? It hadn't occurred to me that we had a problem.

 

I discussed this with a psychologist who said that interpersonal conflict resolution is far more difficult in personal relationships than at work and that change in approach far easier to effect at work than at home.

 

I also found some interesting comments from a psychiatrist at Harvard about the 'addictive' nature of affairs. I have been fascinated at the descriptions given on these forums and witnessed the difficulty my WH had with NC.

 

He said it is a mistake to call affairs addictive. It is the coping behaviour of the person involved that is prone to addiction. As an analogy, he said that a large number of American soldiers in Vietnam used heroin quite a lot. Upon returning home, 90% were able to stop using while 10% became addicts. It was that their coping mechanisms made them vulnerable to addictive behaviour.

 

Almost anything can be addictive (forums anyone?). Whether we become addicted or not has to do with our emotional coping skills. someone whom presents with an addiction probably has these tendencies in other areas of life - food maybe, or Internet use.

 

it seems to me that entering into an affair is an emotionally unhealthy thing to do and the involved people could probably do with professional advice instead. By the time one leaves, one is probably in a worse condition still. I think that if one is in a state where one feels addicted and powerless in the face of the affair, rather than struggling in pain, month after month and affecting the lives of others too, it might be best and easier all round to get properly qualified psychological help to deal with the problem, which, in the end, isn't the affair or, in reality, the AP but the person him/herself who is at a point of crisis in their life.

 

Without this help, ceasing the behaviour seems really hard and Relapsing at any time, or slipping into alternative unhealthy coping strategies is very likely.

 

I don't know - but getting the right treatment and admitting their might be an internal problem seems much the easiest and most effective strategy to me.

[lemondrop21]

it seems to me that entering into an affair is an emotionally unhealthy thing to do and the involved people could probably do with professional advice instead. By the time one leaves, one is probably in a worse condition still. I think that if one is in a state where one feels addicted and powerless in the face of the affair, rather than struggling in pain, month after month and affecting the lives of others too, it might be best and easier all round to get properly qualified psychological help to deal with the problem, which, in the end, isn't the affair or, in reality, the AP but the person him/herself who is at a point of crisis in their life.

 

Without this help, ceasing the behaviour seems really hard and Relapsing at any time, or slipping into alternative unhealthy coping strategies is very likely.

 

I don't know - but getting the right treatment and admitting their might be an internal problem seems much the easiest and most effective strategy to me.

 

I've often wished xMM would do this, in order to get to some sort of resolution that he was able to stay committed to (even though that resolution would inevitably be that he stays in the marriage). At the very beginning of the A, before it was physical, he did get IC and I believe he was supposed to cut off the A at the conclusion of the IC. Which he did, for like, a week. I think he'd be ashamed to go back to that therapist and tell her that he had continued the A for so many months.

[Cymbeline]

'I've often wished xMM would do this, in order to get to some sort of resolution that he was able to stay committed to (even though that resolution would inevitably be that he stays in the marriage). At the very beginning of the A, before it was physical, he did get IC and I believe he was supposed to cut off the A at the conclusion of the IC. Which he did, for like, a week. I think he'd be ashamed to go back to that therapist and tell her that he had continued the A for so many months.'

 

Unfortunately, there isn't very much regulation of therapists and even when they are good they may not have the right fit or experience. I feel a properly qualified psychologist is preferable, because the underlying reasons can be quite complex and respond best to diagnosis by a specialist.

[Pili-Pala]

Very interesting reading Cymbeline and I completely agree with it. And thank you for your comments about me; I don't take any of it to be patronising at all and rather take it as a well needed boost!

 

As I have mentioned previously I had IC last year and through it I addressed many of the reasons why I had found myself a party in this affair (e.g attraction to unavailability, someone who understands my work, the death of my father etc. etc.). I think that is why in the last year of the affair I was in a very different headspace from the first year - and I had already started "escape planning" right before dday happened. I sometimes think this might be why I am progressing as I am since I walked away from A and after I had recovered from the shock of it. Perhaps I have that year of "groundwork" behind me to draw on.

 

This groundwork was admittedly sidelined when dday happened, and it looked like he was leaving, and I was going to be faced with a different reality. But I even remember, if I am honest with myself, a sense of panic that he would leave and that we would end up together, which seems crazy to say now but I almost temporarily had to override all that groundwork in order to adapt for a new possibility - which on reflection I should never have done! I should have taken dday to be my escape instead of getting dragged into this false future and then ultimately having been floored when it (surprise surprise) didn't happen. But that being said, it was never that simple when I had deep routed attachment.

 

I have previously wondered whether xMM was somewhat aware of this and I have previously speculated whether he actually instigated dday - though that is a completely other topic and to be honest something I try not to dwell on anymore.

 

However the thought he instigated dday is ironic given I would say my xMM is definitely definitely definitely conflict avoidant and definitely refuses to address the underlying issues / cause of his behaviour. Around the time I started IC I managed to talk my xMM into IC (he flatly refused my suggested of joint counselling with his W) - he lasted all of one session!! I think he found he couldn't even face the conflict with himself!! And it's funny what you say about interpersonal conflict resolution in personal relationship versus professional - as this is a very noted discrepancy in my xMM.

 

His W also seems to be conflict avoidant. Heartwhole's comment about the cleaner made me laugh as I can recall many occasions when I had to help them both out (via him) on various issues, such as a dispute with their children's school and an issue with their gardener. It's no wonder they are rug sweepers!

 

 

But you are right Cymbeline! Looking at it like this I really do seem a lot better off out it and I need to remind myself that everyday. And thank you for your wishes in me finding someone to love who deserves it and can return it properly. Right before he broke NC I was already starting to consider exploring internet dating and was debating with myself whether I had allowed enough time to pass and whether I was pushing my healing process too fast. I think following dday that on relflection maybe I need to do some more work on me first - but there is certainly an argument for no time like the present!

[Pili-Pala]

Babsinhealing - I hope some sleep helped and that you are doing ok today?

 

There is certainly seem interesting reading here for you!

[Dylon]

Dylon and Jenkins- may I ask a few questions? You don't need to answer but I'm just curious!

 

I'm moody today so it's a good day to participate and your questions got me pondering for days .

 

Both have ended the A and working towards R but both are still having "bad days"... What makes them bad? Is it that you miss the A, you miss the OW, you miss the excitement of the A, it's hard to work on M, you are bored with the status quo, ongoing guilt?

 

I speak for myself only of course. I'm just wounded from everything. Hurt gets triggered easily by simple little things to turn it into a bad day. I would say yes to all those things if you asked me a year ago. Now that it's over and I've been to the deep in, I don't know anymore. I felt like I carried a heavy boulder for so long. My back broke. The boulder is gone. Now I see little pieces around me. I think of all those little pieces. I barely can carry my own weight. I miss the company but I don't miss the weight. I miss using my last drop of energy to carry that boulder as far as I can, once upon a time wanting to carry it forever knowing it will roll off or break my back. However, there are all over pieces remain around me, reminding me how it was once whole and on/with me. I see my wife happy and lovely again and that lights up my heart. I see my AP hanging out with friends or at least "appear" to be fine. That makes me smile too. However, my back still hurts and feel so fragile. Guilt still sets in but being on the right track helps.

 

Also, now that you are working on the M how challenging is it "post-affair" in working on your marriage?

 

It's a new life and new relationship. It needs to be for everyone. The OW too need to find a new relationship with herself, one that no longer gives hope to a secure future with someone she wanted to be with. Both persons in the m need to change and do his/her part.

 

What do you deal with on a typical day to day basis. Have you resumed intimacy with your W? I would love to hear your (MM) perspective. Thanks!

 

I know when ow ask this, what they are thinking. My ow shared with me all the horrible thoughts and dreams. One of the worst was that when it ended, I go back to my life as if nothing happened. I really don't know what to say to an "ow" here without giving you hurtful thoughts. However, I will be honest or it this forum isn't useful: efforts need to be made and I have and it's working towards a better future. However, I was right and I know I'm when I told my OW that my life will never be the same afterward. She had a "part" of my life and my marriage and that will be around until death. As she said to me, comforting herself: "I gave you some good memories, and you can never escape from that". I agree. It's true, married or not, when an affair ends, it doesn't end like a normal relationship so will always leave unfinished thoughts, words, and lots of things. For that, being married or not, haunts the soul.