My new reality after my affair ended

[Babsinhealing]

How are you feeling today, Babsinhealing?

Hi solonely - actually today isn't too bad. My sister is visiting for the long weekend and she keeps me completely consumed and amused (she's taking a nap so I'm catching up on LS). I'm day two on my antidepressant with no bad side effects but need to give it more time. My doctor also gave me an anti-anxiety so when I start to spiral, I can calm down. I hope to minimize using it but nice to know I have a back up plan. Today is day 21 NC... 3 weeks today. Seems like an eternity. For some I'm sure it doesn't seem long at all but the loss of him from my life is so hard. Oh well- I need to keep my chin up and carry on forward. How are you doing? Anything new?

[Babsinhealing]

Joining solonely in askng how you are today?

Also,.you wrote that your ex ap is not remorseful. How do you explain that?

Mine had zero,none, nothing. No guilt, no regret, no remorse. I just didn't get it. He did not get hit by post affair guilt either, the way some do.

Did you find your ap's emotional reaction odd?

Im curious, this has always bothered me.

Imsosad- how do I explain his lack of remorse? Hmmm... I think he's bitter that she rejected him sexually for so many years. He said he use to beg her for it and felt humiliated when she rejected him. I think deep down his A was his way of saying "there- you don't want me- but she does" ... Almost like he was validated as a man again. I think it was just pure resentment that festered for years. By the way - how are you today?!

[solonely9]

Hi, Babs. Glad to hear you're doing better today.

 

About me... Nothing new really. Just going through the days.

 

As you know, last week, I broke NC and we saw each other for coffee. None of us suggested to continue with NC, but we have not communicated in any form since then, 10 days already. I don't feel a need to reach out. I just feel sad. Some days are better, but, most of the time, I'm overwhelmed with depression and anxiety.

 

My therapist has not suggested any meds yet, but I might ask him about it, because I don't think I can deal with this alone anymore. The other day, however, we had a very productive session, where we talked about what I didn't like in XMM. It felt okay for a few hours. I realized that I was overlooking many of his negative traits. Yesterday though, I woke up with this terrible feeling of loss and I'm back to missing him again.

 

Hope you have fun with your sister. Hugs.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi solonely - actually today isn't too bad. My sister is visiting for the long weekend and she keeps me completely consumed and amused (she's taking a nap so I'm catching up on LS). I'm day two on my antidepressant with no bad side effects but need to give it more time. My doctor also gave me an anti-anxiety so when I start to spiral, I can calm down. I hope to minimize using it but nice to know I have a back up plan. Today is day 21 NC... 3 weeks today. Seems like an eternity. For some I'm sure it doesn't seem long at all but the loss of him from my life is so hard. Oh well- I need to keep my chin up and carry on forward. How are you doing? Anything new?

 

It does feel like an eternity doesn't it? Normally 3 weeks is nothing for other things but for NC it feels like months! As I posted to you earlier I found day 21 to 23 REALLY tough. I almost broke NC a few times. Kept thinking how easy it would be to send him an email and say hi. Last night I was thinking about it so much but then decided to sleep on it. I woke up today, day 24 feeling strong again! I suddenly can see again all the reasons why it would be futile, pointless and set me back. And how he probably would end up upsetting me in his response. I feel good about NC again! Amazing the ups and downs in this process...

[jenkins95]

babs, Solonely, imsosad, grey cloud and others. Just read the latest updates! I'm so proud of you all - sticking to NC despite a few early setbacks! That's brilliant guys! You are all posting positive stuff, which is brilliant. I can feel very clearly that there is a lot of hurt, vulnerability and uncertainty underneath your brave words, but that's completely to be expected. It takes a long time for the mind to become stronger again and for you to really know that you are on the right part after what you've been through. Nothing messes with your head like an affair, especially when your emotions were involved, which i think is the case for most of us on this thread. But you are doing sooo well - your updates are so encouraging and hopeful and it's great how you are all encouraging each other - just what we need! Keep posting all!

Edited March 25, 2016 by jenkins95

[Babsinhealing]

Hi, Babs. Glad to hear you're doing better today.

 

About me... Nothing new really. Just going through the days.

 

As you know, last week, I broke NC and we saw each other for coffee. None of us suggested to continue with NC, but we have not communicated in any form since then, 10 days already. I don't feel a need to reach out. I just feel sad. Some days are better, but, most of the time, I'm overwhelmed with depression and anxiety.

 

My therapist has not suggested any meds yet, but I might ask him about it, because I don't think I can deal with this alone anymore. The other day, however, we had a very productive session, where we talked about what I didn't like in XMM. It felt okay for a few hours. I realized that I was overlooking many of his negative traits. Yesterday though, I woke up with this terrible feeling of loss and I'm back to missing him again.

 

Hope you have fun with your sister. Hugs.

Hi Solonely- hope you had a good weekend. My sister and I had fun and she kept me occupied and distracted. She's gone now so things are quiet again and I'm trying not to think of him enjoying Easter with his family today. Hard not to - it doesn't do anything for my healing but hey, I'm only human.

 

I really tried to fight medication but I'm at the point - what do I have to lose. Talk to your doctors and see if it's an option. Both my therapist and primary Doctor both felt I did so who am I to argue. I feel so flat these days, like the life has gone out of my eyes. I think they saw that. So sad that one man can do this.

 

Anyways- stay strong and keep posting. I'm here for you! Vent, scream, cry, do what it takes. (Hugs)

[Babsinhealing]

It does feel like an eternity doesn't it? Normally 3 weeks is nothing for other things but for NC it feels like months! As I posted to you earlier I found day 21 to 23 REALLY tough. I almost broke NC a few times. Kept thinking how easy it would be to send him an email and say hi. Last night I was thinking about it so much but then decided to sleep on it. I woke up today, day 24 feeling strong again! I suddenly can see again all the reasons why it would be futile, pointless and set me back. And how he probably would end up upsetting me in his response. I feel good about NC again! Amazing the ups and downs in this process...

Stay strong Grey Cloud- you did the right thing by waiting a day. It it so hard now- we've never gone this long without talking and I just wonder how he is... What he's doing... I know- I need to stop that. It's over... Done.

 

Just keep focus and read posts about folks that broke NC and how damaging it was to healing. That's what I do. I just can't do any more damage to myself. I need to be kind to myself and do things that make me calm, peaceful, happy. Hang in there!

[Babsinhealing]

babs, Solonely, imsosad, grey cloud and others. Just read the latest updates! I'm so proud of you all - sticking to NC despite a few early setbacks! That's brilliant guys! You are all posting positive stuff, which is brilliant. I can feel very clearly that there is a lot of hurt, vulnerability and uncertainty underneath your brave words, but that's completely to be expected. It takes a long time for the mind to become stronger again and for you to really know that you are on the right part after what you've been through. Nothing messes with your head like an affair, especially when your emotions were involved, which i think is the case for most of us on this thread. But you are doing sooo well - your updates are so encouraging and hopeful and it's great how you are all encouraging each other - just what we need! Keep posting all!

Thanks Jenkins95- I appreciate the encouragement - I can't even imagine 100 days... But hope by then I'm well on my way encouraging others that are going thru the same thing, like you are doing! I do feel like several of us are in the same boat, with similar NC dates and we are supporting each other. That's a life savor as I'm limited to who I can talk to about this nightmare. Stay strong yourself.

[13Hearts]

Stick with the NC. It hurts in the short run but is worth it in the long-run. One day you will look back and kick yourself for having wasted so much time with the married person who cheats on his wife.

[Dylon]

I too want to offer you my support because I know what it's like. People's stories are similar so sometimes I feel like I'm just saying the same to everyone so restrained myself from repeating. I wanted to also comment on how the antidepressant will help.

 

I'm on 2 months of NC and it will stick or seriously everyone will go to emotional hell. I'm dealing with a wife that will never let go and an ow that wouldn't either. I had multiple D-days. Towards the end, the ow lashed so much hateful words at me that it torn me apart. Unlike many here, after her words, she would apoplogize and express her love again only to repeat the cycle....lasting a whopping over a year of push and pull trying to end the A, with each time her words getting stronger and stronger. Most of the time, it was her who broke NC. Only reading here from OW did I finally realized what was happening to her. I drove her crazy! Such a hurtful thing to do to someone. At the same time, I was dealing with my final d-day and seeing all the hurt I've caused to my wife and my family, who all knew. My one support, the AP, when she lashed out, I felt like my only support system was gone too. I was at the point of getting hit from everyone. Worst was how I felt about myself too, the guilt and the hurt was killing me. I was at my darkest moment.....so much that seriously I could have loss it and just buried myself forever. However, that didn't happen. I fought it all the way to the doctor's office. Barely even can hold back watery eyes while I wanted him to give me something.

 

He gave me an antidepressant. That evening I took the antidepressant, the heart pain went away. I was able to sleep for the first time in so many years. I woke up feeling like a normal person without the guilt and the hurt were minimized to a manageable level. For the next few weeks while dealing with NC and the downfall at home, I managed my emotions better. I didn't have the urge to cry. All my extreme emotions were gone. Even while I was receiving heartfelt messages from the OW, I managed to hold back the hurt, desire, fear....and didn't reply. It needed to end for her health, my wife's, and mine. I have to say that I don't know what would have happened if I didn't take the pill.

 

The drug caused me to be sleepy and I managed to time it so that when it hits, it's bedtime. My dreams and nightmares didn't bother me. I can focus better at work and at home. However, I was drowsy most of the morning and my sex drive was reduced. I read about addiction and that worried me. Last week after almost two months on it, I stopped. My emotions came back and I can be happy at some moments that under the pill, was harder to come by. My dreams are bothering me again. However, there was enough space now from her that I can manage the emotion better. I know that she had some time too apart that she will see her way forward as well. I like to believe that even though I still see her social media posts wanting me to be with her and leave my family.

 

So my advice is take it to help time pass and then try to stop. You will be different while you're on it, but your emotions will be in more control for the time being. That's if you are really hurting like I was and you feel that you can't control yourself anymore. Some OW here don't really understand how much MM has to deal with. We are wrong, yes.....but to make time for two women and trying to meet demands from both ends, soon or later.....will either kill you or you are just a cold person. The energy and emotion it takes to manage it is just insane. There's no sleep, you get sick, you feel guilty, you love on multiple ends. You accomplish nothing so your self worth goes down. You feel responsible for everyone and everything. What you give up is yourself and I did and I was dying health wise. I saw myself transform slowly into a sick person. It was love and passion to the extreme once upon a time but soon or later, it will end with hurt, bitterness, and frustration.

 

You are doing the right thing. I'm glad you are certain that you won't break NC. I know it's hard to find help and friends to share except maybe here. Believe me, as a MM doing this, we have even less friends that we can talk to. Even here, you get no support if you are a mm and you have an affair. I'm glad you have so much support here from OWs.

 

Keep it up! Take good care of yourself and I hope one day, you and your husband can reinvent yourself and have a better marriage. Believe me, I understand why you had an affair. However for now, focus on getting better. Be distracted, be numbed, and let time pass. Best wishes during this tough time!

[jenkins95]

Powerful post by Dylon. Yes, i relate to what you say from the MM point of view. When everything hit the fan, I suddenly had a heartbroken wife and a destroyed OW, both shouting at me, angry, broken and in tears. I broke down so completely - total mental collapse. I don't think I've ever experienced stress, guilt, shame, fear, helplessness and hopelessness like it - it was like every one of my nightmares come true. I just wanted to be five years old again and for my mum to take care of me!

 

Not that I'm looking for sympathy. I was Cheater and it was all 100% my doing and my fault. What a complete idiot I was getting myself in that situation and hurting people. I have learned so much from it. Never ever again!

 

Interesting to know about the antidepressants Dylon. I have not used any and am feeling stable-ish now, but there were definitely times when I really SHOULD have looked into it. I completely lost the will to live several times. Dangerously dark intense invasive thoughts. If it ever returns to that degree, I will go straight to the doctor.

 

On the positive side, despite a few minor down days right now, I have been feeling generally much better after over 100 days NC! It does work guys, keep going! Sorry to be a bit dark in this post guys, just that Dylon's post temporarily reminded me of the darkest times. I am in a much better place now and am generally very optimistic! I even rediscovered how to smile, although it hurts my jaw a bit as I'm so out of practice - I therefore intend to practice a lot more!

 

We can get there guys - together! Keep posting!

Edited March 30, 2016 by jenkins95

[Doublegold]

 

Even here, you get no support if you are a mm and you have an affair. I'm glad you have so much support here from OWs.

 

 

 

You have our support Dylon. Take Care of yourself.

[jenkins95]

You have our support Dylon. Take Care of yourself.

 

Absolutely. I'm totally with DG on tha one. Also, nice to see another MM posting here - there don't seem to be many of us around at the moment.

 

Good luck Dylon, keep posting to us

[MJJean]

It's sad you people going NC don't necessarily get the support you need. I'm a former WW and a former BW. My H was my AP who I left my first marriage to be with. No judgment here. I send good vibes out to anyone struggling to make the right choice and change their lives for the better. You go, guys and gals! It does get easier. You just have to gut it out between here and there.

[Babsinhealing]

I too want to offer you my support because I know what it's like. People's stories are similar so sometimes I feel like I'm just saying the same to everyone so restrained myself from repeating. I wanted to also comment on how the antidepressant will help.

 

I'm on 2 months of NC and it will stick or seriously everyone will go to emotional hell. I'm dealing with a wife that will never let go and an ow that wouldn't either. I had multiple D-days. Towards the end, the ow lashed so much hateful words at me that it torn me apart. Unlike many here, after her words, she would apoplogize and express her love again only to repeat the cycle....lasting a whopping over a year of push and pull trying to end the A, with each time her words getting stronger and stronger. Most of the time, it was her who broke NC. Only reading here from OW did I finally realized what was happening to her. I drove her crazy! Such a hurtful thing to do to someone. At the same time, I was dealing with my final d-day and seeing all the hurt I've caused to my wife and my family, who all knew. My one support, the AP, when she lashed out, I felt like my only support system was gone too. I was at the point of getting hit from everyone. Worst was how I felt about myself too, the guilt and the hurt was killing me. I was at my darkest moment.....so much that seriously I could have loss it and just buried myself forever. However, that didn't happen. I fought it all the way to the doctor's office. Barely even can hold back watery eyes while I wanted him to give me something.

 

He gave me an antidepressant. That evening I took the antidepressant, the heart pain went away. I was able to sleep for the first time in so many years. I woke up feeling like a normal person without the guilt and the hurt were minimized to a manageable level. For the next few weeks while dealing with NC and the downfall at home, I managed my emotions better. I didn't have the urge to cry. All my extreme emotions were gone. Even while I was receiving heartfelt messages from the OW, I managed to hold back the hurt, desire, fear....and didn't reply. It needed to end for her health, my wife's, and mine. I have to say that I don't know what would have happened if I didn't take the pill.

 

The drug caused me to be sleepy and I managed to time it so that when it hits, it's bedtime. My dreams and nightmares didn't bother me. I can focus better at work and at home. However, I was drowsy most of the morning and my sex drive was reduced. I read about addiction and that worried me. Last week after almost two months on it, I stopped. My emotions came back and I can be happy at some moments that under the pill, was harder to come by. My dreams are bothering me again. However, there was enough space now from her that I can manage the emotion better. I know that she had some time too apart that she will see her way forward as well. I like to believe that even though I still see her social media posts wanting me to be with her and leave my family.

 

So my advice is take it to help time pass and then try to stop. You will be different while you're on it, but your emotions will be in more control for the time being. That's if you are really hurting like I was and you feel that you can't control yourself anymore. Some OW here don't really understand how much MM has to deal with. We are wrong, yes.....but to make time for two women and trying to meet demands from both ends, soon or later.....will either kill you or you are just a cold person. The energy and emotion it takes to manage it is just insane. There's no sleep, you get sick, you feel guilty, you love on multiple ends. You accomplish nothing so your self worth goes down. You feel responsible for everyone and everything. What you give up is yourself and I did and I was dying health wise. I saw myself transform slowly into a sick person. It was love and passion to the extreme once upon a time but soon or later, it will end with hurt, bitterness, and frustration.

 

You are doing the right thing. I'm glad you are certain that you won't break NC. I know it's hard to find help and friends to share except maybe here. Believe me, as a MM doing this, we have even less friends that we can talk to. Even here, you get no support if you are a mm and you have an affair. I'm glad you have so much support here from OWs.

 

Keep it up! Take good care of yourself and I hope one day, you and your husband can reinvent yourself and have a better marriage. Believe me, I understand why you had an affair. However for now, focus on getting better. Be distracted, be numbed, and let time pass. Best wishes during this tough time!

Thank you for sharing, Dylon. I've always found some peace in your posts as they give me perspective into the MM mind. I have been on the antidepressant for 9 days and I already see improvement in my emotions. I have not cried in days and that sad chest heaviness is disappearing. I feel things are getting clearer in my mind and I'm starting to see things differently. It's amazing how those unbalanced chemicals in your brain can really throw you off in depression. The doctor gave me Xanax but I haven't taken it in over a week- as I am no longer having panic attacks. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near recovered or over him but I do feel a bit more in control with less obsessive thoughts, which is just short of a miracle. Thank you for sharing your experiences with AD.

 

Also, your perspective is so needed for OW as we search for answers. You and Jenkins have been on the other side so hearing what you both went thru in recovery is a god send. I can't imagine that my xMM is living any where near a happy, peaceful life right now. I know he loved what he had with me and it was a huge void in his marriage but now he needs to learn how to move forward with her and determine how to fill that void, which is probably not possible- but not my concern. I am day 30 NC with no plan to break it. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I miss what we had- the excitement, fun, escape. But that's in the past now. I'm focusing on my healing 100% and trying to reduce triggering.

 

So thank you- from the bottom of my heart. I know it's still a struggle for you, as it is with most of us on this forum, but stay strong and keep posting. We are here to help each other.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you for sharing, Dylon. I've always found some peace in your posts as they give me perspective into the MM mind. I have been on the antidepressant for 9 days and I already see improvement in my emotions. I have not cried in days and that sad chest heaviness is disappearing. I feel things are getting clearer in my mind and I'm starting to see things differently. It's amazing how those unbalanced chemicals in your brain can really throw you off in depression. The doctor gave me Xanax but I haven't taken it in over a week- as I am no longer having panic attacks. Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near recovered or over him but I do feel a bit more in control with less obsessive thoughts, which is just short of a miracle. Thank you for sharing your experiences with AD.

 

Also, your perspective is so needed for OW as we search for answers. You and Jenkins have been on the other side so hearing what you both went thru in recovery is a god send. I can't imagine that my xMM is living any where near a happy, peaceful life right now. I know he loved what he had with me and it was a huge void in his marriage but now he needs to learn how to move forward with her and determine how to fill that void, which is probably not possible- but not my concern. I am day 30 NC with no plan to break it. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I miss what we had- the excitement, fun, escape. But that's in the past now. I'm focusing on my healing 100% and trying to reduce triggering.

 

So thank you- from the bottom of my heart. I know it's still a struggle for you, as it is with most of us on this forum, but stay strong and keep posting. We are here to help each other.

 

Glad you are feeling a little better Babsinhealing! It is amazing how ADs take the edge off.

[Babsinhealing]

Powerful post by Dylon. Yes, i relate to what you say from the MM point of view. When everything hit the fan, I suddenly had a heartbroken wife and a destroyed OW, both shouting at me, angry, broken and in tears. I broke down so completely - total mental collapse. I don't think I've ever experienced stress, guilt, shame, fear, helplessness and hopelessness like it - it was like every one of my nightmares come true. I just wanted to be five years old again and for my mum to take care of me!

 

Not that I'm looking for sympathy. I was Cheater and it was all 100% my doing and my fault. What a complete idiot I was getting myself in that situation and hurting people. I have learned so much from it. Never ever again!

 

Interesting to know about the antidepressants Dylon. I have not used any and am feeling stable-ish now, but there were definitely times when I really SHOULD have looked into it. I completely lost the will to live several times. Dangerously dark intense invasive thoughts. If it ever returns to that degree, I will go straight to the doctor.

 

On the positive side, despite a few minor down days right now, I have been feeling generally much better after over 100 days NC! It does work guys, keep going! Sorry to be a bit dark in this post guys, just that Dylon's post temporarily reminded me of the darkest times. I am in a much better place now and am generally very optimistic! I even rediscovered how to smile, although it hurts my jaw a bit as I'm so out of practice - I therefore intend to practice a lot more!

 

We can get there guys - together! Keep posting!

Thanks Jenkins- I was really headed for the looney bin so these antidepressants have really helped in my recovery. They are certainly not miracle workers and cause amnesia but they really help with obsessive thoughts and that profound dark sadness I dealt with from morning to night. I even feel more focused at work now. Glad to hear you are still moving forward in your healing. We all have good and bad days but doesn't everyone? Thanks as always for your ongoing support!

[Babsinhealing]

Glad you are feeling a little better Babsinhealing! It is amazing how ADs take the edge off.

Seriously! I can't believe the difference in 9 days! If had some side effects like normal... Including no appetite, but I guess that just helps me with my beach bod

[ladydesigner]

Seriously! I can't believe the difference in 9 days! If had some side effects like normal... Including no appetite, but I guess that just helps me with my beach bod ��

 

Even better! All the best

[jenkins95]

Thanks Jenkins- I was really headed for the looney bin so these antidepressants have really helped in my recovery. They are certainly not miracle workers and cause amnesia but they really help with obsessive thoughts and that profound dark sadness I dealt with from morning to night. I even feel more focused at work now. Glad to hear you are still moving forward in your healing. We all have good and bad days but doesn't everyone? Thanks as always for your ongoing support!

 

Babs, thank you and great to see you back posting again! I take what you and Dylon say about ADs with great interest. If I get in that scary dark place ever again, I will definitely try them. One trouble when I was down there in the dark stuff was that it was all I could do simply to get out of bed, let alone speak to people and arrange doctor's appointments - no wonder I lost my job! I am much better now, and I really hope I won't need them. But if I do, I will go for it.

 

30 days Babs - soooooo proud of you! Also very impressed at these high flying business trips you go on - lol. You are so on the right track. I really feel for Solonely - her experience demonstrates again to us all how important it is to stick to NC, and how heart-breaking and damaging breaches are. We are here for your Solonely.

[Babsinhealing]

Babs, thank you and great to see you back posting again! I take what you and Dylon say about ADs with great interest. If I get in that scary dark place ever again, I will definitely try them. One trouble when I was down there in the dark stuff was that it was all I could do simply to get out of bed, let alone speak to people and arrange doctor's appointments - no wonder I lost my job! I am much better now, and I really hope I won't need them. But if I do, I will go for it.

 

30 days Babs - soooooo proud of you! Also very impressed at these high flying business trips you go on - lol. You are so on the right track. I really feel for Solonely - her experience demonstrates again to us all how important it is to stick to NC, and how heart-breaking and damaging breaches are. We are here for your Solonely.

Thanks Jenkins... Yes, don't ever let depression become unbearable. Sometimes you just can't fight in on your own... Especially when it's intrinsic. Add an emotional crisis on your hands and you have a recipe for disaster. I knew I was headed there and it really affected me and my job. Yes, I have a great job and travel all over the place- last week I was in Nashville with my team. I was consumed from morning until bedtime and didn't have much time to process or write anything. Always good to be distracted but that country music can really trigger! Back home now- house is full of triggers (ugh) and the second the plane lands I miss him because my city is a huge reminder of him. Last night I did something different... As I landed and looked out and saw the city skyline I said to myself- this is my city and I'm taking it back. You don't belong here in my mind anymore! Let's see if it works with time because I land several there times a month lol. Oh well- every bit helps.

 

Anyways- 30 days... Huge accomplishment. Everyday is pretty much hell but I will not cave. I have no clue how I would react if he does -but not going to think about that. I can't even imagine what Solonely is going thru today. Seeing my xMM would definitely set me back HUGE.

 

Thanks again for the encouragement!

[Dylon]

Thank you for sharing, Dylon. I've always found some peace in your posts as they give me perspective into the MM mind. I have been on the antidepressant for 9 days and I already see improvement in my emotions. I have not cried in days and that sad chest heaviness is disappearing.

 

Ah yes, that sounds very familiar. It's no wonder they associated the heart with feelings and emotions. I finally understand after all this. Now it gotten very sensitive and get triggered easily, that hurt on my left chest. I came today to read a bit because I'm not having a good day. I popped a pill back in and sort of disappointed with myself. Thought I come to write a bit which helps. I haven't taken the AD about 2 weeks and was doing well. Pass few days I've been sick and I think that threw my mindset off a bit. I even checked on her FB with another fake account. I don't even know why it bothers me seeing what I can say was nothing, but it did. I don't want her back, the problems, and all of the hurting going back and forth all over the place. Now it's a new direction for everyone, a healthy one and I shouldn't be bothered by anything. Oh boy, if the AP only knows this is how I've been handling my last two months, with pills, she would have a field day continuing to pursue me with words and persuasion. Endless lectures lol. Of course my goal is still set and firm.

 

I feel things are getting clearer in my mind and I'm starting to see things differently.

You are doing great with 30 days. There will be bad days but just ride through it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm no where near recovered or over him but I do feel a bit more in control with less obsessive thoughts, which is just short of a miracle. Thank you for sharing your experiences with AD.

Really, my AP was in really bad shape as we worked out to end things for a long time. She needed to take her father's AD to sleep. I was worried at the time. Now that I have taken it myself, I can see how it can help. I too recommended to my wife while we were going through the mess. She refused but she's well now because she's convinced that it's over forever.

 

Yes, I miss him. Yes, I miss what we had- the excitement, fun, escape. But that's in the past now. I'm focusing on my healing 100% and trying to reduce triggering.

There's a lot of strength in those comments and I'm glad to hear!

 

So thank you- from the bottom of my heart. I know it's still a struggle for you, as it is with most of us on this forum, but stay strong and keep posting. We are here to help each other.

You are welcome and thank you as well. Just write me anytime you need someone to listen. Edited April 2, 2016 by Dylon

[Dylon]

Powerful post by Dylon. Yes, i relate to what you say from the MM point of view. When everything hit the fan, I suddenly had a heartbroken wife and a destroyed OW, both shouting at me, angry, broken and in tears. I broke down so completely - total mental collapse. I don't think I've ever experienced stress, guilt, shame, fear, helplessness and hopelessness like it - it was like every one of my nightmares come true. I just wanted to be five years old again and for my mum to take care of me!

 

Hi Jenkins, I saw many of your posts and haven't replied because I was trying to avoid the subject when you came to LS, but when I read many of your thoughts, I really can relate. Unlike many mm, I do see how you care about people's feelings and how much hurt you went through. I know you've written your story somewhere and I will find the time to read it one day. You really help dispelled some of the awful myths about some mm. I laughed when I read about the "5 year old again" part. I was like that. I remember telling my wife while she went on her rampage with endless questions of why why why, which I've answered to everyone 100's of times. I told her, I want to go see my mother. Seriously, I wanted to be a child again. I was so tired of trying to make everyone well. PM me sometimes if you need to talk but being at 100+ days, I think you are doing very well. I never met another MM in my situation. I read about some other MM here, but many seem to be of a different breed of iron hearts . You are here, you care about others, and you seek to heal yourself and find distractions, which are the same reasons that I came here. Thanks for your words and support.

[Babsinhealing]

Hi Jenkins, I saw many of your posts and haven't replied because I was trying to avoid the subject when you came to LS, but when I read many of your thoughts, I really can relate. Unlike many mm, I do see how you care about people's feelings and how much hurt you went through. I know you've written your story somewhere and I will find the time to read it one day. You really help dispelled some of the awful myths about some mm. I laughed when I read about the "5 year old again" part. I was like that. I remember telling my wife while she went on her rampage with endless questions of why why why, which I've answered to everyone 100's of times. I told her, I want to go see my mother. Seriously, I wanted to be a child again. I was so tired of trying to make everyone well. PM me sometimes if you need to talk but being at 100+ days, I think you are doing very well. I never met another MM in my situation. I read about some other MM here, but many seem to be of a different breed of iron hearts . You are here, you care about others, and you seek to heal yourself and find distractions, which are the same reasons that I came here. Thanks for your words and support.

Dylon and Jenkins- may I ask a few questions? You don't need to answer but I'm just curious!

 

Both have ended the A and working towards R but both are still having "bad days"... What makes them bad? Is it that you miss the A, you miss the OW, you miss the excitement of the A, it's hard to work on M, you are bored with the status quo, ongoing guilt?

 

Also, now that you are working on the M how challenging is it "post-affair" in working on your marriage? What do you deal with on a typical day to day basis. Have you resumed intimacy with your W? I would love to hear your (MM) perspective. Thanks!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Babs, thank you and great to see you back posting again! I take what you and Dylon say about ADs with great interest. If I get in that scary dark place ever again, I will definitely try them. One trouble when I was down there in the dark stuff was that it was all I could do simply to get out of bed, let alone speak to people and arrange doctor's appointments - no wonder I lost my job! I am much better now, and I really hope I won't need them. But if I do, I will go for it.

 

30 days Babs - soooooo proud of you! Also very impressed at these high flying business trips you go on - lol. You are so on the right track. I really feel for Solonely - her experience demonstrates again to us all how important it is to stick to NC, and how heart-breaking and damaging breaches are. We are here for your Solonely.

 

What I don't get Jenkins and Dylon (and this is the 10 million dollar question), if you have all these emotions for someone, why not be with her? I just don't get it. Don't take this as an attack, obviously I don't know you IRL. But xMM said that same stuff, as if he was in a Chinese prison. I can't speak for him but you seem to have a ton of love for these women. But yet you stay with someone else, counting the days of NC, as if there is some award at the end. I just don't get it.

 

And don't think I don't understand. I do - more than you know. I'm married, 2 little kids, stay at home spouse. But I left in December because I was so messed in the head when xMM said he wanted to leave his wife to be with me. Obviously he immediately backed down and H insisted I come home. But I would have done it. My H is not a consolation prize. He is 100% percent aware and made the choice to wait out my feelings for xMM believing it was all his fault and he wanted to stay married. So I'm here.

 

Its one thing if you are like Charger66 who is honest about not loving OW and just using her but you seem to seriously love these women. What gives? Why do you stay? I can't wrap my head around it. You are really prepared t feel like this for the rest of your life? Why? WHy not be with the person you love?