What is so great about no contact?

[Satu]

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

 

I put this together for myself when I was in a bad state, but some of it might help you:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[Jess28]

We were together for 12 years. I'm 28 now. I have another post about what happened between us. To sum it up, while we were on a break he was seeing someone. He broke it off with her and came home. We were going to go look at rings to get married. The girl calls that she's pregnant and keeping it. His family are public figures. He is as well in many ways. Basically they made it clear to him if he didn't "make it right". (Marry her) he would be giving up his career and most importantly his family. So after us spending 6 months (while she's been pregnant) ultimately he pressure and everything else involved he decided he needed to marry her. So he left me. He's cried and cried and cried. He begged her not to keep it, but she knew who he was and his family and she knew what he would be forced to do. She was suppose to have been on birth control. I read the messages she sent him about how she doesn't know how this happened etc. ultimately it was his mistake. So that sort of sums it up I guess.

[Jess28]

@satu

What do you do when you can't shut off the constant images of them being together? Even if he's faking it. Doesn't matter. My life with him is over. I can't get it out of my head. Seeing them. He was my man. We loved each other for so long. How the f*** can I let go of a man Ive loved practically my whole life? It's not like he told me he didn't love me anymore and he met someone else. It's not like we broke up and had a huge chunk of time alone and then met other people. No we were ready to get married and BAM my life was changed. It's like how do u let go of someone that tells you everyday how depressed he is, how sick he feel, he can't believe this. He's clear that he's going to do it. (Marry her) but she's like 7 months now, and he still hasn't gone back. She lives in another state. So I know it's not what he wants. That's what's killing me more than anything. I wish he would just have told me he no longer was in love with me.

[preraph]

I agree with Satu on everything. I would just add that you give yourself time to mourn, but then when you wake up and realize you have nothing new in mourning to tell yourself and are just repeating your hurt over and over and miserable and tired of being miserable, this is when you intervene with yourself and demand from yourself that you exercise self-discipline. You can do it. My sister used to say (I was a prolonged mourner) "When you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop being miserable."

 

One way I did it is force yourself to go out and socialize and stay busy and pursue hobbies and new interests, and if you can afford it, definitely travel someplace new. There's something about traveling that is like looking at the night sky: You realize how he is just a little speck in a whole wide world. It gives you a healthier perspective.

 

Then when you catch yourself missing him, STOP yourself and make yourself think of two bad things about him for every one thing you are missing. It brings you back to reality and stops you from idealizing the relationship like people do when someone dies.

 

And, of course, read the No Contact threads on Loveshack to make yourself stop monitoring what he's going and reminding yourself of him.

 

And please realize that relationships that start that early very rarely last into adulthood. People mature and change in their 20s and just like with friendships, some move in different directions.

 

"We'll always have Paris." -- Casablanca

It's true. Once you completely break away and mourn and then establish your new life and put some distance between you and the breakup, one day you will be able to look back and reflect and enjoy the happy times. It will always belong to you. This is just not the time to dwell on that.

 

Also, if you have a good lifestyle and home for one, get a couple of dogs and a dog door (makes it easier). Those dogs will never waiver in its love for you, nor you it.

 

And I have always said (I'm 63 now) that everyone should live on their own supporting themselves before they make a permanent life commitment such as kids or marriage. So this is your time to do that for a couple of years and find out who you are when there is no direct influence over you like parents or a lover. Being self-sufficient will give you a confidence that you can support yourself and be on your own if you ever need to and keep you from ever again feeling the panic when someone leaves you and will keep you from staying in a bad relationship just because you're fearful. You will be surprised that once your panic subsides and the freedom sets in, you will feel as fresh and light as a sheet on the clothesline.

Edited March 25, 2016 by preraph

[Satu]

@satu

What do you do when you can't shut off the constant images of them being together? Even if he's faking it. Doesn't matter. My life with him is over. I can't get it out of my head. Seeing them. He was my man. We loved each other for so long. How the f*** can I let go of a man Ive loved practically my whole life? It's not like he told me he didn't love me anymore and he met someone else. It's not like we broke up and had a huge chunk of time alone and then met other people. No we were ready to get married and BAM my life was changed. It's like how do u let go of someone that tells you everyday how depressed he is, how sick he feel, he can't believe this. He's clear that he's going to do it. (Marry her) but she's like 7 months now, and he still hasn't gone back. She lives in another state. So I know it's not what he wants. That's what's killing me more than anything. I wish he would just have told me he no longer was in love with me.

 

I do accept the magnitude of your loss.

 

It has been very traumatic, that much is clear.

 

What you must do for yourself at this point, is to find a therapist to support you in your recovery, with the long-term goal of rebuilding your life.

 

This process of recovery is something which cannot, and should not, be rushed.

 

But it should begin now.

 

It begins when you make the first step of speaking to your doctor or another health professional.

 

You may have already done this for all I know, but if you haven't, you must do so.

 

Suffering in solitude is a terrible thing.

 

You need others to help you heal.

 

Reach out, ask for help.

 

Do not suffer in silence.

 

 

Keep posting here.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

If you really feel you can't handle this break up anymore please seek professional counseling. They can help you.

[ShootingStarlet]

Reading your story it does sound very painful and you won't be able to rationalize anything for a while or see it from a non-emotional viewpoint. But one thing I would say, we are all people who have freedom and even though his parents say something, they don't own him. Edward the 8th abducated the throne of England to marry Wallis Simpson. I feel like a man who is intelligent and a person with integrity, would make the right decision by him, not by anyone else. If he does go ahead with this girl then he's not a man of integrity, aka a man worth being a husband.

[Almond_Joy]

The relationship that did this to me was only 10 months but I had many of the same symptoms as you.

 

Please go see a counselor. If you can't afford a licensed therapist there are licensed clinical social workers that can also provide counseling.

 

Satu's recommendations are exactly what you need to be doing besides the counseling.

 

Just take it a day at a time. You can get through this, life will be good again.

 

Take care.

[thespacey1]

I had a dream about my ex last night. Not the horrible ones I've been having. This was just him and I driving together...

 

When I awoke there was a text message from him that he was finally going to go be with this woman tomorrow. He's been avoiding her for months. Well he's finally going.

 

I don't know why, but knowing that has taken my breath away and I can't catch my breath. It's like someone just put a huge weight on my chest. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I could throw up. My mind is spinning. After 12 years!!!! Of loving and supporting him!!! I just can't BARE THIS PAIN I FEEL. Crushed, absolutely so crushed. I can't breathe.

 

I want to call him and scream and cry and tell

Him how bad he's broken my heart and my soul over this. I want to tell remind him of how much I loved him when he was unlovable and when he had no one!!

 

(I changed what I previously wrote because I hadn't read your situation thoroughly enough,sorry)

 

You deserve to grieve a bit just KNOW YOUR WORTH...

 

Some good advice has been given here. Enjoy your time to yourself. Write a.letter about your emotions as if you're going to give it to him,but don't give it to him, IMO. It's up to you though.

Edited March 26, 2016 by thespacey1

[Jess28]

The relationship that did this to me was only 10 months but I had many of the same symptoms as you.

 

Please go see a counselor. If you can't afford a licensed therapist there are licensed clinical social workers that can also provide counseling.

 

Satu's recommendations are exactly what you need to be doing besides the counseling.

 

Just take it a day at a time. You can get through this, life will be good again.

 

Take care.

 

What were your symptoms/feelings and how did you make it through those feelings?

[Jess28]

I do accept the magnitude of your loss.

 

It has been very traumatic, that much is clear.

 

What you must do for yourself at this point, is to find a therapist to support you in your recovery, with the long-term goal of rebuilding your life.

 

This process of recovery is something which cannot, and should not, be rushed.

 

But it should begin now.

 

It begins when you make the first step of speaking to your doctor or another health professional.

 

You may have already done this for all I know, but if you haven't, you must do so.

 

Suffering in solitude is a terrible thing.

 

You need others to help you heal.

 

Reach out, ask for help.

 

Do not suffer in silence.

 

 

Keep posting here.

 

 

Take care.

 

You are really helping me through this. Thank you for acknowledging what I feel is incredibly traumatizing because I don't think anyone truly gets that. I got into an arguement with my best girlfriend. She went through a tough breakup but he turned out to be using drugs and changed on her. My situation is not at all like that. So she yelled at me and blamed me for not letting go and having hope. Listen, I in no way shape or form want to live that man anymore. I want to kill all hope. I want to feel better. There is nothing more that I want then to sleep without dreaming of them together and waking up thinking about them together. Trust me, it hurts beyond words can describe... I wish that would have been what he turned out to be. It's much harder that he isn't a loser. He has all these qualities. He is this and that. So it's like I have to deal with another woman receiving his love now. It's torture. I mean... There isn't another word for it other than torture.

Edited March 26, 2016 by Jess28

[Emaize3]

Jess28- I know exactly how you're feeling. My ex didn't cheat, but the pain of this particular break up was torture- as you said. My whole life literally crumbled because we were so happy and good together. We talked all the time so I was blindsided about his feelings. I'm 2 months post bu and finally feeling better-- until-- I had a dream of him. Messed up my whole day! Just know you're not alone and I do understand that kind of pain. Hugs

[Jess28]

Every morning I wake up with anxiety and a bit of panic... So, I have been trying to occupy my mind at night before bed by reading etc. so that I don't think about what I'm going through so much but every morning even before I'm fully awake, His face enters my mind like BAM. This is before I even fully open my eyes. I end up waking up because panic/anxiety/grieve start.

 

My God, i simply cannot believe the amount of sadness and depression I feel. Why can't I just accept the breakup? I mean how long do these torturous feelings last? Maybe im unrealistic in my expectations to just get over it.

 

I want nothing more in life right now than for the pain I feel to just be softened. Even a little bit. Mostly I just can't understand how he could do this. Do this to us, to me...I assured him over and over that we could make it through this together. That it would be challenging at times but it would be ok. I can't believe this. I wish to God I could just accept it and move on with my life. Feel positive. But I just don't.

[Rachel39]

Oh I'm so sorry for how your feeling! I know exactly thoses moments as I too used to wake up every morning with anxiety. Untill reading this post if forgotten.

 

I would say mine probably lasted around 8 weeks, this is the amount of time I couldn't sleep or eat.

 

I'm on week 10 and one 1 week today that I haven't contacted him, he would never reply. I'm feeling a little better but everyday is a roller coaster at the moment. Yesterday I was crying then I was angry that it's all gone and this morning Iv woke up just feeling numb.

 

I'm just trying tide them out and yes I hope he will come back but I know he won't!

 

You will get through it! It's not easy but so much support on here as made it calotype easier for me I don't feel so alone I just wish I'd of found this site 9 weeks ago when I felt totally on my own and like I was going crazy!

[Jess28]

Oh I'm so sorry for how your feeling! I know exactly thoses moments as I too used to wake up every morning with anxiety. Untill reading this post if forgotten.

 

I would say mine probably lasted around 8 weeks, this is the amount of time I couldn't sleep or eat.

 

I'm on week 10 and one 1 week today that I haven't contacted him, he would never reply. I'm feeling a little better but everyday is a roller coaster at the moment. Yesterday I was crying then I was angry that it's all gone and this morning Iv woke up just feeling numb.

 

I'm just trying tide them out and yes I hope he will come back but I know he won't!

 

You will get through it! It's not easy but so much support on here as made it calotype easier for me I don't feel so alone I just wish I'd of found this site 9 weeks ago when I felt totally on my own and like I was going crazy!

 

 

Thank you for your reply.

I'm in such a weird situation. The man I love is going to go be with a woman who he doesn't love because she is pregnant. He could not persuade her to not keep it. She's 7 months now. He spent 6 of those months with me trying to come to terms with this. We've been apart for a month or so now. He has STILL not gone back to be with her! (She lives in another state).

 

My anxiety is just completely out of control. It seems the only thing that (really) takes it away (when I've tried and tried to calm myself down) is when i contact him. He calls me as well. He always avoids the topic of the woman. Now the weirdest thing is he calls me to talk about all the foods we were obsessed with eating. Laughing, coming up with "twists" on recipes we missed out on... I enjoy laughing and talking with him. It helps calm me down. But then after a few hours after we've hung up... The images of them together creates a pain, like nothing else.

 

When we've had our few very frank conversations, I said I don't believe that you don't love her. You can't love me so much and decide to leave me. For any reason. So I asked him, do you love her? His response was "do I love her, no. Do I think maybe I could one day, it's possible."

 

She's not some random awful girl or anything. She's established on her own, she's a nice girl, educated etc.

 

He said "the major issue is his family, career, etc. but the other major issue he feels a responsibility to the child. To be there."

 

Since I've already divulged so much of my life already I might as well say the other heart wrenching part of this... Some years ago, I had an abortion. We were in a horrible financial position at the time, there were so many factors that made me make that choice. But now with this... Regret, guilt, shame, everything. Like oh my God. What did I do? If I would have been strong enough to go through with it. If I would have had more faith in myself, we would have had the family I always wanted. We would still have been together. We would have been ok.

 

I'm so traumatized over everything. Oh my God it's like I just feel the world has crushed me. My faith in God I question now. I've had 1 traumatizing experience after another in my life. It seems like I got through things better because he was always "there".

 

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[Rachel39]

It's a terrible situation to be in, but by keeping contact with him when he is with someone else will only prolong your pain.

 

I know because Iv texed my ex for 8weeks solid, although I rarely got a reply I made him tell me it was was over and to move on I needed to here that before I could even start to let go, as I said to him whilst ever you don't say thoses words to me I will always think there is a chance for us. So he said it.

 

I asked if we could meet to talk things through and get my head around why this has happened which he said yes and then when I texed him with a day he hasn't replied so I haven't texed him back since that will be a week today.

 

I understand your pain I really do we had planned to marry and live together and only discussed we still wanted this just before Xmas.

 

My life that I thought I had is no more and I'm nearly 40!

 

If talking to him is easing your anxiety it is only going to get worse because you need to some how deal with it without needing him to ease that.

 

take some control and try not to contact him but you have decided when your ready you are honestly just prolonging your pain if he has to be with someone else.

 

I know this because I had college friends that had to have arrange marriages and understand how traumatic it is.

[Rachel39]

I'm sure lots of people can relate to you having a termination and the impact of how it effects you and how you feel bonded to that person through it.

 

You have so much to get through and I think anxiety and panic is the first stage because your starting to realise things are changing and fear sets in.

[Jess28]

I'm so up and down, why can't I just balance out?

 

I went 2 days feeling inspired to work on myself. I thought I could decide to be happy. I started recognizing all of the bad characteristics of my ex. I started to recognize how much more I gave to our relationship. Then, last night and this morning I started spiraling down. I feel so depressed and my heart hurts so bad. Despite all the bad, I truly love him. Despite all the bad, we really had some beautiful times. Gosh... We would have a ball just ordering food and watching our favorite shows. We'd laugh and talk and laugh until our stomachs hurt so bad. We could talk about anything. We shared so many years together. I wish he would have just fallen out of love with me and said that. Not to end like this. Not like this...

Part of me just wants to keep fighting for him. Try to convince him that we could be ok. But I know that just won't happen. The sadness I feel is overwhelming. Why can't I hate him? Or if I can't hate him why can't I just feel like I will be ok?

[diddy]

YOU dont have to HATE him.

[jen1447]

I assume this happened just recently? It's normal to feel that way unfortunately - it's bscly just separation anxiety and going cold turkey on the daily 'fix' (feel good brain chemicals) you got from being with him. It'll go away but it'll take a while. Just remember it's temporary.

[SoThatHappened]

Like jen said, this is likely very recent. Just deal with each feeling and emotion that's going to come your way in the next few months as if they were final exams in school: i.e., they're going to stress you out for a while, wear on you for a while, but eventually, you'll PASS it and move on to the next exam. Eventually, you graduate.

 

Just don't let every exam make you drop out.

[Jess28]

He was so perfect to me in so many ways. I feel so sick right now. I never met anyone with his style, his presence, his charisma... Oh my god he was so charming, he never met a stranger. Everyone loves to be around him. He was so well spoken. So intelligent. His body was perfect to me. God he had a beautiful body. His skin, his skin was so smooth, so beautiful. Golden bronze. I loved every feature he had. How meticulous he was about his clothing. Always in a sexy pair of slacks, custom shirts. Even in sweat pants he looked so good to me. He was so romantic and kind.

 

He was everything to me. He wasn't perfect but he was perfect to me. I ruined my life. If I would have handled his imperfections better. If I would have been a better woman he wouldn't have ever left in the first place. I'll never meet someone like him. He loved me whether I was in shape or fat or back in shape. He loved me with no makeup on, sometimes acne all over my face. He loved me and now it's all gone. Now another woman will have him to hold her. Have him to make her laugh and smile.

 

I just want to die. I wake up and am stuck with anxiety all day long. I can't get the image of them out of my head. I can't stop picturing him in my head.

 

What's the point of living when you can't be with the one you love? What's the point of living when nothing brings you joy anymore? People say go enjoy this or that but nothing impresses me. Even the beautiful sky to me looks ugly now. I feel depleted of love. Of happiness. Literally nothing makes me happy now because he is gone. I think I want to give up. I don't know.

[LydiaLong]

You have to give yourself some time to grieve. The heart is the most malleable organ in the body. You will feel the same way towards someone else in the future. Believe me about this.

[Jess28]

You have to give yourself some time to grieve. The heart is the most malleable organ in the body. You will feel the same way towards someone else in the future. Believe me about this.

 

I want to believe that so bad. Thank you for your response.

[d0nnivain]

Breaks ups are hard & painful. They take time to grieve & heal. It's OK to cry & be sad but that can't go on forever. Take the weekend is you like but do keep going about your life.

 

 

He wasn't perfect & he certainly wasn't perfect for you. If he were, you wouldn't be sitting here thinking you had to have been a better woman -- i.e. someone else -- so he would not have left.

 

 

For whatever reason for him your relationship ran it's course. That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't condemn you to a life alone. It just hurts now.

 

 

You will love again. Have a little faith.

 

 

In the meantime, pack away the mementos, delete him from social media, rearrange your living space so it reminds you less of him, go outside every day & get sun on your face because vitamin D helps, surround yourself with positive people. Hang in there.