What is so great about no contact?

[bathtub-row]

Religion and its controlling hand reaches out yet again. The truth is if he ignored what his family said, they'd most likely come back around and bring him back into their lives. But he'll never know because he has chosen to let himself be controlled.

 

I don't know. Do you really think he'll go through with marrying this girl? And if he does, do you think the marriage will last? This seems like a match made in hell if you ask me.

 

As far as you and he are concerned, are you sure this relationship is everything you think it is? I know it's hard to see things clearly with a person on a pedestal but what caused you guys to break up and for him to go off and be with another woman? And if he and his family are so doggone religious, what's he doing screwing around like that anyway? You know what it's really about? Image. That's it right there. He's willing to break your heart because of image; his and his family's reputation. That's completely unacceptable.

[bathtub-row]

Jess, I went back and read most of your posts. What strikes me the most is that you seem to want to snap your fingers so that this pain will be gone. But it just doesn't work like that. I don't know if it helps or not but most people have been through what you're going through. What all of us know is that you will get through it and the pain does stop. It does eventually stop.

 

And I'll tell you a little secret about "charming" people. They can be very ego driven and, basically, a pain in the butt. They are very good at telling you what you want to hear and they tend to skirt around the truth quite often.

 

I personally am not a huge fan of NC but it has its merits at times. Because of the length of time you've known Mr Charming, I think you'll come back around at some point as friends, if nothing else. However I'm concerned that your perspective is skewed because there's a big world out there and you've seen and experienced so little of it on your own. Once you start to get past this pain, try spreading your wings a bit and look around you.

 

Part of getting past this kind of pain is basically a chemical reaction in our brains. This isn't a joke. You can look it up. It's a big part of why you feel the way you do. You just have to keep remembering that a day will come when you don't wake up wondering if you're in a living nightmare, where you don't walk around feeling like your heart has been smashed to pieces. Those feelings will stop. I promise you that.

Edited April 22, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Jess28]

Religion and its controlling hand reaches out yet again. The truth is if he ignored what his family said, they'd most likely come back around and bring him back into their lives. But he'll never know because he has chosen to let himself be controlled.

 

I don't know. Do you really think he'll go through with marrying this girl? And if he does, do you think the marriage will last? This seems like a match made in hell if you ask me.

 

As far as you and he are concerned, are you sure this relationship is everything you think it is? I know it's hard to see things clearly with a person on a pedestal but what caused you guys to break up and for him to go off and be with another woman? And if he and his family are so doggone religious, what's he doing screwing around like that anyway? You know what it's really about? Image. That's it right there. He's willing to break your heart because of image; his and his family's reputation. That's completely unacceptable.

 

I'd give anything, anything for him not to go through with it. I'd sacrifice anything, but he will. He is. And you're right when you said it's all for an image, a reputation. That's the huge majority. But now he also has said, he feels a responsibility to be there for the child. He says he thinks he can fall in love with the woman eventually. That he has "a love for her, she's a great person, etc"... Can you imagine? He says he "has to do the right thing". He says, "any decision he makes is "not the right one" because someone suffers." He goes on about how horrible the circumstances.

 

I was trying to get him to just tell me he loves her. I wanted him to just tell me that this had nothing to do with other people and that he just stopped loving me. Because without that, it just seems so disgustingly unfair. But he never and I mean never says that. But maybe he won't say that because he hunks that will add insult to injury for me. I don't know.

[Jess28]

Jess, I went back and read most of your posts. What strikes me the most is that you seem to want to snap your fingers so that this pain will be gone. But it just doesn't work like that. I don't know if it helps or not but most people have been through what you're going through. What all of us know is that you will get through it and the pain does stop. It does eventually stop.

 

And I'll tell you a little secret about "charming" people. They can be very ego driven and, basically, a pain in the butt. They are very good at telling you what you want to hear and they tend to skirt around the truth quite often.

 

I personally am not a huge fan of NC but it has its merits at times. Because of the length of time you've known Mr Charming, I think you'll come back around at some point as friends, if nothing else. However I'm concerned that your perspective is skewed because there's a big world out there and you've seen and experienced so little of it on your own. Once you start to get past this pain, try spreading your wings a bit and look around you.

 

Part of getting past this kind of pain is basically a chemical reaction in our brains. This isn't a joke. You can look it up. It's a big part of why you feel the way you do. You just have to keep remembering that a day will come when you don't wake up wondering if you're in a living nightmare, where you don't walk around feeling like your heart has been smashed to pieces. Those feelings will stop. I promise you that.

 

Thanks for taking the time to help me through...

I was in Europe for 2 months and just got back "home". I know a lot of my anxiety is being here. I mean, we spent 12 years together here. Different places we lived all over town. All the memories spread out every where. It's rough. I'm feeling like I should have stayed in Europe longer. Until I was really healed. I could have stayed. Or I can go back. I just wonder am I running from this though? Is that the right thing to do. If I leave again will I never fully get over this? Being "home", I'm confronted with memories of him every where. Is it best I stay?

One other thing... Last 2 days... I literally wake up at 5 or 6 am because the second I open my eyes I see him in my head and can't go back to sleep. It wakes me up so unapologetically.

[keiji]

Thanks for taking the time to help me through...

I was in Europe for 2 months and just got back "home". I know a lot of my anxiety is being here. I mean, we spent 12 years together here. Different places we lived all over town. All the memories spread out every where. It's rough. I'm feeling like I should have stayed in Europe longer. Until I was really healed. I could have stayed. Or I can go back. I just wonder am I running from this though? Is that the right thing to do. If I leave again will I never fully get over this? Being "home", I'm confronted with memories of him every where. Is it best I stay?

One other thing... Last 2 days... I literally wake up at 5 or 6 am because the second I open my eyes I see him in my head and can't go back to sleep. It wakes me up so unapologetically.

 

Can you afford to go back to Europe? Then go ahead. It's normal to run from that situation. Why would you want to be in an environment that right now is extremely hurtful? It's not a defeat. It's the way you're dealing with it, and it's perfectly fine. A friend was left by his girlfriend. He was having such a hard time and he decided to move to Australia for six months. He came back two weeks ago. You should see his face now. He had completely changed, he had a permanent, huge smile in his face. Buy a plane ticket right now and get the hell out of there.

Edited April 22, 2016 by keiji

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for taking the time to help me through...

I was in Europe for 2 months and just got back "home". I know a lot of my anxiety is being here. I mean, we spent 12 years together here. Different places we lived all over town. All the memories spread out every where. It's rough. I'm feeling like I should have stayed in Europe longer. Until I was really healed. I could have stayed. Or I can go back. I just wonder am I running from this though? Is that the right thing to do. If I leave again will I never fully get over this? Being "home", I'm confronted with memories of him every where. Is it best I stay?

One other thing... Last 2 days... I literally wake up at 5 or 6 am because the second I open my eyes I see him in my head and can't go back to sleep. It wakes me up so unapologetically.

Let me give you a bit of learnt wisdom:

 

"Everywhere you go, you always take your weather with you."

 

In other words, unless you actively work - internally - to change, ameliorate and transform your mindset, it wouldn't matter where you were - you'd still find some subliminal subconscious reason to correlate your ex with where you are. As the saying goes, "If you cannot find peace of mind, serenity and Happiness where you are right now, then where else do you expect to find it?"

 

It's not where you are, that counts.

It's how you are, that matters.

And how you are, is within your control.

[keiji]

Let me give you a bit of learnt wisdom:

 

"Everywhere you go, you always take your weather with you."

 

In other words, unless you actively work - internally - to change, ameliorate and transform your mindset, it wouldn't matter where you were - you'd still find some subliminal subconscious reason to correlate your ex with where you are. As the saying goes, "If you cannot find peace of mind, serenity and Happiness where you are right now, then where else do you expect to find it?"

 

It's not where you are, that counts.

It's how you are, that matters.

And how you are, is within your control.

 

I disagree to an extent. It's obvious that happiness comes from within, but if the OP has a chance to leave behind so many memories and get all the new inputs and perspectives that a new place can bring, why not do it? It's not so different from NC after all.

[Raina314]

I disagree to an extent. It's obvious that happiness comes from within, but if the OP has a chance to leave behind so many memories and get all the new inputs and perspectives that a new place can bring, why not do it? It's not so different from NC after all.

 

Agree. And though happiness does ultimately come from within, people are not islands and there are many things that can help whatever is inside you be at peace. Some people write music or poetry, some people paint, some exercise and some go to therapy. All of these things are helpers in finding some degree of peace and happiness. Traveling can work the same way. Not to say that it will completely erase OP's sadness and she won't carry some baggage with her, but moving around and seeing new places can help just as much as anything else can.

[TaraMaiden2]

I know people (including myself) who are able to re-visit, stay in, go through and frequent places they used to go to with their exes, and not bat an eyelid.

If the OP wants to go to those same places also without 'batting an eyelid' she's got to make sure she's right internally, before she ventures to do things, externally.

[Jess28]

I really understand both perspectives.

 

So I went to a physiologist today... Didn't feel that great about it. I'll give it another chance. I'm really looking for someone to help me navigate through all of this mess that's happened in my life. Ultimately, the only thing I want out of all of this is to truly get over him. I feel when I can get to a mental space of not wishing we were together, not hoping she dies in a tragic accident, (yea insane right)... But it's true, I want to be with him so much that I envision crazy things like that. Insane. Anyways, I need to make a list of all the horrible things he's done and wasn't to me in our relationship. Seems like all the bad things he did, I've forgotten. All I want is him. All I want is an act of God to happen to be back with him. Pathetic. In so many ways, pathetic but it's how I feel. Today. He's gone back to be with her. He had stopped responding to my texts for a couple days. So I said why aren't you responding anymore? His response was "ultrasound"... Like a punch to the chest. And then what seemed to be an ungodly act, the message kept coming through. Over and over. The word ultrasound he sent like 4 or 5 times... Unreal. So I replied GOODLUCK with everything. Oh then he texted "Thanks, I'll call you to tell you about it".

Like... Huh? I'm lost. I'm just the most unhappy, depressed and confused person in the world right now.

[Jess28]

It was like disheartening... I felt like because the therapist said "you know it can take a really long time to heal from all of this given the length of time you were together, the age you started the relationship and all the traumatic events that took place".

 

Like oh my God, that's the last thing I want reassurance on... (That it's going to take a long time). And what's a long time?? Years?? Jesus Christ I need help.

[Jess28]

So not only does he break my heart but he gets to go on with his life, while I'm in pieces and then take up another huge chunk of my life just trying to get over him? I mean... Why has this happened to me.

[Jess28]

I've literally been so up and down. One week I'm this strong woman who's on a mission. Numb. At peace with not being with him. The next, a basket case. Crying and hurting uncontrollably.

 

I am still months later in love with him. With all he put me through, all the immeasurable pain he's caused me, with every breath I take I still cannot fathom it's over.

 

I don't believe I am entirely romanticizing him. He genuinely was something special. By no means perfect or even a good man in so many ways. But... He was so unique. So sexy, so smart, smooth, rough and soft. I've met a lot of people in my life, he stands out. Every person that meets him or has a conversation with him want to be his best friend. Why couldn't he have just been an average person that I loved? Why did he have to have such a strong hypnotic personality?

 

Anyways,

Clearly I'm not doing as good as I'd hoped to be. Everything I wrote above I wish I could erase from my mind. I try. I really really try. I sit here sometimes and seriously cry and beg God to let me get over him. Allow me to feel positively about this breakup. Let all the negative things wipe out a fraction of all the love I have to carry around in myself that I have for him. It's exhausting.

 

I'm doing whatever I can to better myself. I'm trying but, this emptiness has not wavered. There are times I still wish I'd close my eyes and not wake up. I feel he stole everything from me. Ruined my life.

[fands]

I feel he stole everything from me.

You need to get your heart back. Put a hand on your chest. Now gently feel around until you find a beat. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel those beats. In time, you'll find someone else to feel your chest. They will probably want to do other things, too. Just remember that it's better to look forward than back, and it's better to look into someone's eyes than stare at their chest. Of course, if they're not looking, then stare at anything you want. Hope that helps.

[sickoflove11]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I am also having ups and downs and the downs really do suck. Just when you think you are getting better, you feel all that pain again and have to start back at square one.

I have been going outdoors a lot more and running even just for a little. And I hate running. I go to the gym, focus on what I'm eating, and just try to keep my day busy.

There are definitely days like today where I am too sick to do anything but stay home and feel like crap.

I also felt like this guy really stood out and was someone so different and special and super attractive. I made him out to be something he isn't and now I just feel dumb falling for it all. I wish I could erase all of the things too but we can't. I know you feel right now that he ruined your life but I don't believe that. We just have to take this roller coaster one day at a time. That's all I know for sure.

[BelleSkye]

Ditto - to everything you have said. Just be glad we have biological lifespans and not geological lifetimes

[sorano]

I am sorry your feeling like this. I am too. Same thing going on. I was also robbed and had my life ruined.

 

This may sound weird but, I was talking to my buddy at the gym and he feels my pain. He told me nothing lasts forever. Ny pain or hurt you feel will not last. In the end as well, we are all going to die. Again, nothing lasts. For some reason when I repeat that to myself, I feel better. I feel way better.

[bummer]

I too met and fell for the most unique girl in the world with so many captivating qualities. She was the most beautiful, softest, uniquely intimate, and honest person I've dated. But she was also broken, manipulative, immature, and never gave herself fully to me.

 

These negative things about her all add up and outweigh the good when I struggle to cope. I get angry knowing she left me, angry she was so stupid to let me go and that twinge of anger helps pull me out of the pit of despair daily.

 

No, I hope the fondness and love I had for her is the lasting memory but for now I'm letting anger help pull my heart out of her's and back to my own chest.

 

Find whatever distraction or avenue you can to ignore the barrage of thoughts.

[sorano]

I too met and fell for the most unique girl in the world with so many captivating qualities. She was the most beautiful, softest, uniquely intimate, and honest person I've dated. But she was also broken, manipulative, immature, and never gave herself fully to me.

 

These negative things about her all add up and outweigh the good when I struggle to cope. I get angry knowing she left me, angry she was so stupid to let me go and that twinge of anger helps pull me out of the pit of despair daily.

 

No, I hope the fondness and love I had for her is the lasting memory but for now I'm letting anger help pull my heart out of her's and back to my own chest.

 

Find whatever distraction or avenue you can to ignore the barrage of thoughts.

 

amen. Im right there with you