missm Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Okay, so I don't want to write a novel here, but the situation will have to be explained a bit before I can get down to my question. I had been in a relationship with D for nearly 4 years, when we broke up in February. Granted, we had our issues on occassion, but it was never a tumultous relationship and we were both happy most of the time. In late January, he met some woman who was working with his organization and he was just taken. Decided that what we shared couldn't compare to what he could have with her. At that point we decided that we were going to break up. Not two days later, he comes back crying and saying that he didn't want to break up and that he was sorry, etc. Fine. We had a mature conversation and decided that we would stay together, but that we would try living apart for a while in order to (a) have some space (b) let me learn a little bit of responsibility (since I have never lived on my own). That was Sunday. Monday, he is talking on the phone to this woman again. By Wednesday, she had him coming home to me telling me it was over. Imagine my shock. You should note that he is very susceptible to the opinions of others, i.e. he doesn't think for himself very well and cares very much about what other people think of him. You should also note that he cheated on me one time (1 year into our relationship). Only kissing, but still. We had a talk and after that, our relationship was wonderful for 2+ years. Anyway, I was upset, heartbroken, but I would be okay. We continued to talk over the next few months - not really even about our relationship, the conversations were light for the most part. He was dating people, I was dating people - life was moving on. Then I get a call one morning - out of the blue at the end of May. He wants to be with me. He knows this for a fact. He is dead serious. Okay. At that point, I had been seeing someone for a month - wasn't serious, but wasn't just a fling either. I guess we were at that in between point. Wasn't crazy about him, but I liked him. So now, I have my ex and this new guy. Great. I ultimately decide to give D another go. I love him and if he is serious, then I think that we can have a fulfilling relationship. A few days later, one of the girls he was dating decides that she wants to contact me. I thought it a little bit strange. She had been reading my LiveJournal, added me to Yahoo! messenger - all kinds of crap. Since then, she has been emailing me. I never delve into too many details with her, but I'm friendly. Another girl that he was seeing while we were broken up (this is the same girl whom he cheated on me with 1 year in) is also back in the picture. Everything has been fine for the past few weeks. I come home from my soccer game last night, all happy to see him, and I get confronted. Why am I talking to the girl he dated (the one who emailed me)? Apparently, she messaged him on YM and told him that she was talking to me and that we'd been emailing and that it was MY idea not to tell him about it (when I clearly have the email that states to the contrary). She called him and told him to erase the caller ID because she didn't want me to know that she had called him...blah blah blah. I didn't tell him because I didn't think anything of it. A couple of emails does not constitute a friendship. Well, while he is on YM, he gets the other girl messaging him too. Telling him he needs to break up with me right now and that she'll come over to his house and confront me when I get home from my game. This same person told him three weeks ago that if he chose to be with me she would no longer talk to him. Yet she calls 1 week later. He blew her off, told her I was there and I thought that would be the end of that. Anyway, all of this messaging leads up to him confronting me when I get home. How ****ed up. What I don't understand, is why are these two people so hell bent on breaking up our relationship? We aren't dealing with sixth graders here, folks. I'm 23, my bf is 24, and the other two women are 24 and 28, respectively. I say that they are jealous - in their minds they have something to gain from he and I breaking up - whether or not that gain is realized is a different story. I want to send these two people a short message just telling them to stay out. There are only two parties to the relationship: myself and D. These two women do not know one thing about me - so how can they maintain that I am not good for my boyfriend? What do they know? The neutral parties, who are mutual couple friends,think that D and I are wonderful together. His mom thinks I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. I am in love with him and want him in my life. I do not want drama in my relationship though - been there done that and got the tshirt. There would be no drama if these people would move on with their lives and stay out of our relationship. My bf gave me the okay to send these people an email message. I told him I would bcc him so that he can see exactly what is said. I just want them to go away. Can I say that enough? The other side of me says that if I were to send such a message I am essentially letting them get the best of me. And that a better solution is to just leave it. However, D will never speak up and tell these people to **** off and previous attempts at leaving it have obviously proved unsuccessful. What to do, what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Well first of all ,...is this guy REALLY worth ALL this????? Sounds like you need to WASH your hands of this whole thing. Start off fresh. This guy doesnt even know what he wants. Tells you the first time he wants you back. I bet if you were to have asked him then if he was "serious" he would have said yes then too. So him saying "Im serious this time" the second time he came crawling back doesnt mean anything really. Too much emotional baggage here. Get rid of this gomer. Link to post Share on other sites
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 I was taught that if I ever am struggling with the thought of ending a relationship with someone,....to write a pro's and con's list down. Then count up the pros as opposed to the cons. If the cons out weigh the pros. Im gone. Not worth it. It works !!!! And you feel tons better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 I think the problem isn't the women its the guy. Look at your history with him, everything is fine until you're with him. He is probably still seeing them in some capacity on the side. Dump him, have NO CONTACT at all, not even online. This relationship is doomed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missm Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 Well I'm not really trying to decide on whether or not to end it because what we do have is worth it and I want a relationship with him. I'm trying to decide if I should contact these other two people and tell them to stay the **** out of my relationship. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 uh,...no. Are you a glutton for punishment? This stuff WILL NOT stop happening. This relationship wont just mellow out as long as you get rid of THESE two. The next chaos will just enter your life, whatever that is. This guy has a black cloud following him. Dont stick around with him. Thats my advice. You dont need this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 so him dumping you and then coming back,.....dumping you, and then coming back.....dumping you and then coming back................is WORTH it????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
scarly Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 you do realize you are his second choice, right? He knows that if whatever hes got going on doesnt work out,...hes got you on stand by to bat clean-up. I wouldnt want to be anyones "fall-back" b*tch. Its degrading. Link to post Share on other sites
lostinmymind Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 You shouldn't have to do anything, HE should tell these women to leave you two alone. If he truly loves you he shouldn't be keeping these women in his life. If he doesn't have the will-power to ignore these women what does that say about him? He doesn't seem to have a backbone and caves. You said he cares about others opinions and what others think. That is not a good excuse. When you truly love someone you don't care what others think. The whole world could be telling him you are trouble, but if he truly loves you he wouldn't give a s***. Dump this guy, you love him, but that doesn't mean he is good for you. To answer your actual question: He needs to stand up for both of you in this case, these women came into your relationship through him, it's his problem. You both need to cooperate and ignore them until they go away. Link to post Share on other sites
amandine Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I really hope you wrote that letter. Give the bitches the heave ho. Though I agree, D (does it stand for durrrhhhrrr?) would have been a better candidate to dump them. Link to post Share on other sites
miss-gonewest Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 If your bf is too weak to email these people, why don't you log on as his and email them for him? That way they think the email comes from him and may take it a bit more seriously. Personally I think HE should be showing them the road to far far away from your relationship, and personally I think he needs to have the balls to realise that HE got you both into the mess, therefore HE should get you out of it. If you must pursue a relationship with him, how are you going to make him stop messing with other women online (as harmless as it is)? He seems to have a problem with letting this stuff be - why do you think he has to be in contact with other women? I think the problem lies far deeper than what it seems... you guys need to get to the bottom of it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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