He broke up with me via SMS-text yesterday = I don't want to live anymore. HELP!

[blue_daisy]

Hi aSadGirl, I have read your first post in this thread and I can somehow relate to you. My ex also once told me he loved me so much, he said that I was special to him and I thought I would be forever with him. I too thought that we were an item together, we never quarreled and being with him was the happiest moments of my life. But one fine day he decided to tell me that we'll be better off as friends and he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Our relationship lasted for one year and I was ready to spend my life with him and it ended on the night of our first year anniversary.

 

aSadGirl, I can observe that you are a smart girl, you know what you want, but you let your insecurity take over your thoughts. Let me suggest why not you think it though and do what your mind and heart tells you to? It's not a very common advice around here, but if you think that you need an answer, go get the answer from him. Get him to be with you together alone and have a proper talk. If you sense that he is lying, look him in the eye and make sure you repeat your question until he tells the truth. This is my suggestion anyway, it's your choice to make the call. You have to be prepared for the many different outcomes though, and that takes courage and understanding to brace through it. Once you are done, start NC and hold on tightly to it. You will need time to sort things out yourself.

 

On the other hand, I feel that you should take this experience as a valuable lesson and further improve yourself. If you see guys suddenly take interest into you and giving up soon later, maybe you could take a look into this problem? Why do they do that? Are you being too desperate to get into a relationship or are you picking the wrong guys? Sorry for sounding a bit judgmental here, you can do the questioning yourself. My point being, why don't you just take a look on how to improve or upgrade yourself to be a better, more confident individual before going out there to get involved in a relationship again.

 

I am truly, deeply sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing better now. If you think of dying, we all do. But don't let your negative thoughts be your actions. I feel that this world is still a beautiful place and there is so much more to life. You are a wonderful young lady and you deserve the best in this world. Don't allow one silly boy to be a stumbling block in your way.

[LD1990]

Why shouldnt I ask?whats the harm of explaining how i feel and ask him about why he ended it..?

He already hurt me like hell..it hurts more when i dont know why this happened than knowing why so i can perhaps CHANGE myself for better so that i wont go through this again! Thats what im most Afraid of because this happened in a similar fashion 2 years ago (that guy dumped me on same day our 8th date were supposed to happen and he didnt say why but later on i understood it was cause he met someone else he is still together with till this day)

 

You shouldn't ask because his opinion doesn't matter and he's likely going to lie anyway, as you already know. You're placing way too much importance on the opinion of a guy you dated very briefly. Just because he dumped you doesn't mean he's any more emotionally mature than you are or that you should try to make changes based on his opinion.

 

You're going to therapy. Your therapist is a professional, someone who received training and is therefore qualified to give you advice. Your ex is some guy who couldn't even be bothered to talk to you on the phone because texting was more convenient. Who among those two do you really think is more qualified to give you life advice? If you were learning to play golf, would you rather get advice from a professional golfer or some guy off the street?

 

aSadGirl, you need to value yourself more. You seem like an intelligent woman who is trying to better herself, which is great. But you put too much stock in the opinions of guys you date. Trying to change yourself to better fit what some guy wants never works out in the end.

 

I suspect the real reason you want to contact your ex to ask him what you could change is because you still have feelings for him and want an excuse to get in touch again. If he actually tells you anything, you'll probably tell him that you can change that in hopes of him giving you another chance. Trust me, or you can probably ask anyone here, that's not gonna work. If he has any respect for you, he'll lose it the second you tell him you can change for him.

 

Be strong, stay NC. Post here when you feel the need, people are helpful, but this guy isn't worth your time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why shouldnt I ask?whats the harm of explaining how i feel and ask him about why he ended it..?

He already hurt me like hell..it hurts more when i dont know why this happened than knowing why so i can perhaps CHANGE myself for better so that i wont go through this again! Thats what im most Afraid of because this happened in a similar fashion 2 years ago (that guy dumped me on same day our 8th date were supposed to happen and he didnt say why but later on i understood it was cause he met someone else he is still together with till this day)

 

Concelor.. is that same as psychiatric-therapist? Im going to one now to sort out my borderline disorder.. she also doesnt think i shall write him asking why he dumped me.. im so sad just that it feels like this pattern will continue so im afriad to date again </3 I tried going on a few dates but im dumping them instantly.. cause i know if i wont they will further down the road!

Every guy loves me at first... but then a few weeks later and their interest dissapears

 

Well that im comming across as insecure and anxious in my posts isnt so strange is it when loveof you life dumped you.. and also it has happened before which makes me terrified for my now on future.. like: will this happen again and again till im too old to get kids/family/happy marriage? Im 27 and feel so stressed cause of it to be on square one... or even worse. before all my dating experience i had a positive outlook, now im scared of being "left" again..

 

Im not so attached, actually i try to be cooler than the guy for starters but as im getting to like him something switch and im comin on... i think they want serious but apperently not with me..

The guy ive spoke about in my post will get 25 years old this year.. and the guy that dumped me in similar fashion 1.5years ago was 33.. they are from diffrent backgrounds and all..

the similarities lies in that i get love from them in the beginning but then they seem to want out

 

I dont know what im doing wrong but am SO CLOSE to send this recent guy a text asking why he doesnt think we fit... i really want to know! even if it hurts.. but i know he is so conflict-afraid so i dont think he will be so honest ;/ im not sure.. otherwise he have always been good at explaining his feelings honestly to me, before..

 

The harm is that if he isn't honest - and he very likely won't be - you are going to be making some false conclusions about why he left. And thus, the real problems won't be resolved. And so the cycle will repeat itself.

 

You mentioned you are already seeing a therapist for borderline issues. I assume this means you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? I ask because on my ex-boyfriends is diagnosed BDP and also struggles a lot with relationships. I of course cannot assume you and he are the same, but perhaps I can shed some light on what partners of BPDers experience. Can you explain a bit more why you are in treatment for these issues? What sort of behaviour or concerns led you to find a therapist? Again, I don't want to make any false assumptions about you but this could be enlightening and help identify why the same things seem to keep happening.

[aSadGirl]

text

 

 

I know.. but how can i learn and not getting into a situation like this again if i dont know how to avoid it if he wont tell me? Ive been in a situation of a text-breakup-out-of-nowhere 2 years ago too and it hurts like hell. i cant take it anymore!

 

I am in contact with psychiatrist.. but its going slow with a meeting once a week..

 

Im not insecure and anxious otherwise, i BECAME that cause of the way he ended things...

 

its diffrent where and how and what kind of men i meet so i see no pattern but generally i like men with a bit of a "softer side" showing up sometimes.. men who can speak their feelings.. but also are laidback/cool otherwise..

 

 

 

I need help now though cause Im SO CLOSE to send this messange to him now (sorry translation isnt perfect)

 

 

"Hey, I feel bad by the sudden end, its difficult to handle for me ... Im writing now cause i seek understanding on how you could be so loving to suddenly send a "breakup" -SMS a few days later? It seemed strange and I felt deceived. Had been more respectful if you made an appointment to say everything instead (we only live a few hundred meters apart in addition) or at least called. On our last meeting you did and said things that gave me hope that we would find their way back to each other again ...

 

Ever since we first met felt a special bond to you that I never had with anyone before; it was like we clicked right away and seemed like you felt the same way until everything went to pieces because the problems that appeared in December, but they were gone now? I thought.

I know that my sms texts were a bit stiff after the last meeting but it was not easy to relax instantly when there had been months of barely any contact so I did not really know where I had you yet, rather waited for you to ask when we can meet again so we could build from there ...

 

I remember how you said: "cutie! definitely we will do adventures together "... and it made me so happy I hoped it would be that we one day would go to New York (yes I would buy my ticket with my own money), see the sky or sit in the sun next to each other, go dancing, sailing, cook dinners (I had nothing against your yummy pasta), play golf, watch movies (Inception example, that never was or Suits ..), meet each other's friends and families at various celebrations, cuddle more ... I dreamed about doing all of that with you, but if you think you will be happier to do it not with me, I hope for your sake that you're right and that whatever you choose instead of me make you happier because I would not want you to go through the pain of making the wrong decision when it's too late.

 

When you do not feel well (if I was your girl) you should be able to turn to me so I can make you feel better, but when you say you can not call because you feel bad as it sounds as if I have been the source of which surprises me when we could talk sincerely in hours before. I really tried to be positive, warm and supportive but felt that it is barely possible to reach more than glimpses last month.

 

You said you have poor self-esteem and I still do not know if it was because of your body or situation but regardless, I liked you as you were ... I was supporting through your surgery and fought for us.

 

You're the only person I met who I think has the best taste in music and I wanted to cheer you all the way to the DJ booth in front of thousands on a house-festival or film music in a cinema.... Just as I felt your great support when you were so cute and said something like: "forget me right now, I'm here and can send you hearts and cheer on you, but focus on your studies and we'll see each other later" ... I wish we had been able to be a team that achieved goals and becoming strong together.

 

On the last meeting you said things like that it feels great, is special what we have compared to everything else and "wow" when we kissed for a while ... We touched each other's noses, which I find very intimate and held tenderly each other's hands ... my heart leaped for joy when you kissed my forehead and neck ... It felt passionately, exciting and nice when we spoke ... laughed ... You did not seem to bother that you were about to miss rehab-appointment but rather sat there and smiled at me ... How did you want it to be really if not like that?

 

I said "I was mad at you" playfully when you slided your hands down my back, but it was only because I felt "Where have you been the three months we barely had contact? "... because even though I loved when you touched me, I wanted to set bounderies on the physical contact until we built up trust and security back (through more communication and dates over time) .

 

Hope you are man enough to tell me the honest truth behind your SMS even if it is negative / brutal. For whether you met another or what you saw in me that did not feel right for you, just say it so I know and can try to avoid getting into the same situation again in the future because that is my biggest fear to be left like this!

 

I really appreciate your feedback and are prepared for it to hurt but tell me anyway I think I'm worth a proper explanation of how you could drop out so suddenly and not really just one but several times ...

Was it the stuff on my facebook or instagram you disliked? What could I have done better? What have I done wrong that made you feel we dont fit? And you even say you like me to find someone else, even though you seemed to like me and was attracted to me, and I thought i was a really great girl? How can you then not want me anymore? Grateful if you help me to understand."

 

 

What do you ( and you other guys i hope read this) think of that letter?

Edited April 12, 2016 by aSadGirl

[aSadGirl]

great text

 

Thank you blue_daisy for your response! <3

Im so sorry to hear about your loss.. crazy how things happen.. a relationship ending on its first anniversery? awful, i feel for you dear.

 

Thank you for saying im a smart girl, i think you are too. i know im insecure but its just cause this ending with a breaktup-text has happened to me before with guys so im really starting to question whats wrong with me for them to act like that towards me! removing me easily from their lifes while im heartbroken...

Thanks for your advice to perhaps write him... i have made a letter but dont know if its ok to send.. i know its too long so i could basically just cut it and send him the beginning and end of it instead (questioning why he think we dont fit).. but im not sure?

 

Im neither desperate or picking wrong guys, they seem to love me then suddenly further down the road dont..i wish they could answer cause i have no clue!

Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot! I still think of dying or just not living at all... i have no more "life-yearing" left after this.. its consuming me and drains all energy.. cause i feel like perhaps ill never get happy in love.. married kids family and all..

 

What do you think of this potential letter to him (sorry translation isnt perfect) :

 

 

"Hey, I feel bad by the sudden end, its difficult to handle for me ... Im writing now cause i seek understanding on how you could be so loving to suddenly send a "breakup" -SMS a few days later? It seemed strange and I felt deceived. Had been more respectful if you made an appointment to say everything instead (we only live a few hundred meters apart in addition) or at least called. On our last meeting you did and said things that gave me hope that we would find their way back to each other again ...

 

Ever since we first met felt a special bond to you that I never had with anyone before; it was like we clicked right away and seemed like you felt the same way until everything went to pieces because the problems that appeared in December, but they were gone now? I thought.

I know that my sms texts were a bit stiff after the last meeting but it was not easy to relax instantly when there had been months of barely any contact so I did not really know where I had you yet, rather waited for you to ask when we can meet again so we could build from there ...

 

I remember how you said: "cutie! definitely we will do adventures together "... and it made me so happy I hoped it would be that we one day would go to New York (yes I would buy my ticket with my own money), see the sky or sit in the sun next to each other, go dancing, sailing, cook dinners (I had nothing against your yummy pasta), play golf, watch movies (Inception example, that never was or Suits ..), meet each other's friends and families at various celebrations, cuddle more ... I dreamed about doing all of that with you, but if you think you will be happier to do it not with me, I hope for your sake that you're right and that whatever you choose instead of me make you happier because I would not want you to go through the pain of making the wrong decision when it's too late.

 

When you do not feel well (if I was your girl) you should be able to turn to me so I can make you feel better, but when you say you can not call because you feel bad as it sounds as if I have been the source of which surprises me when we could talk sincerely in hours before. I really tried to be positive, warm and supportive but felt that it is barely possible to reach more than glimpses last month.

 

You said you have poor self-esteem and I still do not know if it was because of your body or situation but regardless, I liked you as you were ... I was supporting through your surgery and fought for us.

 

You're the only person I met who I think has the best taste in music and I wanted to cheer you all the way to the DJ booth in front of thousands on a house-festival or film music in a cinema.... Just as I felt your great support when you were so cute and said something like: "forget me right now, I'm here and can send you hearts and cheer on you, but focus on your studies and we'll see each other later" ... I wish we had been able to be a team that achieved goals and becoming strong together.

 

On the last meeting you said things like that it feels great, is special what we have compared to everything else and "wow" when we kissed for a while ... We touched each other's noses, which I find very intimate and held tenderly each other's hands ... my heart leaped for joy when you kissed my forehead and neck ... It felt passionately, exciting and nice when we spoke ... laughed ... You did not seem to bother that you were about to miss rehab-appointment but rather sat there and smiled at me ... How did you want it to be really if not like that?

 

I said "I was mad at you" playfully when you slided your hands down my back, but it was only because I felt "Where have you been the three months we barely had contact? "... because even though I loved when you touched me, I wanted to set bounderies on the physical contact until we built up trust and security back (through more communication and dates over time) .

 

Hope you are man enough to tell me the honest truth behind your SMS even if it is negative / brutal. For whether you met another or what you saw in me that did not feel right for you, just say it so I know and can try to avoid getting into the same situation again in the future because that is my biggest fear to be left like this!

 

I really appreciate your feedback and are prepared for it to hurt but tell me anyway I think I'm worth a proper explanation of how you could drop out so suddenly and not really just one but several times ...

Was it the stuff on my facebook or instagram you disliked? What could I have done better? What have I done wrong that made you feel we dont fit? And you even say you like me to find someone else, even though you seemed to like me and was attracted to me, and I thought i was a really great girl? How can you then not want me anymore? Grateful if you help me to understand."

[aSadGirl]

You shouldn't ask because his opinion doesn't matter and he's likely going to lie anyway, as you already know. You're placing way too much importance on the opinion of a guy you dated very briefly. Just because he dumped you doesn't mean he's any more emotionally mature than you are or that you should try to make changes based on his opinion.

 

You're going to therapy. Your therapist is a professional, someone who received training and is therefore qualified to give you advice. Your ex is some guy who couldn't even be bothered to talk to you on the phone because texting was more convenient. Who among those two do you really think is more qualified to give you life advice? If you were learning to play golf, would you rather get advice from a professional golfer or some guy off the street?

 

aSadGirl, you need to value yourself more. You seem like an intelligent woman who is trying to better herself, which is great. But you put too much stock in the opinions of guys you date. Trying to change yourself to better fit what some guy wants never works out in the end.

 

I suspect the real reason you want to contact your ex to ask him what you could change is because you still have feelings for him and want an excuse to get in touch again. If he actually tells you anything, you'll probably tell him that you can change that in hopes of him giving you another chance. Trust me, or you can probably ask anyone here, that's not gonna work. If he has any respect for you, he'll lose it the second you tell him you can change for him.

 

Be strong, stay NC. Post here when you feel the need, people are helpful, but this guy isn't worth your time.

 

 

I didnt date him so briefly or how do you mean? about almost 2 months and then later a couple weeks too.. or perhaps yeah, it isnt that long of a time but i still care..

 

Well the therapist is saying kind of like you that it will probably be hard for me to get "real answers".. well my ex and i had a much more history than me and my therapist a couple of hours... she will give therapy for my borderline disorder but its going slow yet (1 hour a week last month) so nothing that helped yet..

 

How do I value myself more? Thanks for saying im intelligent.. i am, but i cant function when someone leaves me, that has made my what should have been 3-year-bachelor degree into a drawn out 6 year and im struggling now to even begin my last essey cause i feel im not done with him.. even though he is done with me.. i still need answers.. cause im terrified someone will leave me like him again! it has happened before (guys suddenly send breakup-texts) and it hurts like hell..

 

Well i guess you are right.. i would ask him not what i could change for him but in general.. i have sort of accepted that its over but still wish he would come back on his own.. so i composed this letter i know you will go nuts of to read but please do and tell me what you think ? I want to send it to him.. but im afraid too.. its a long letter and im a bit scared how he will react...

(sorry translation isnt perfect) :

 

 

"Hey, I feel bad by the sudden end, its difficult to handle for me ... Im writing now cause i seek understanding on how you could be so loving to suddenly send a "breakup" -SMS a few days later? It seemed strange and I felt deceived. Had been more respectful if you made an appointment to say everything instead (we only live a few hundred meters apart in addition) or at least called. On our last meeting you did and said things that gave me hope that we would find their way back to each other again ...

 

Ever since we first met felt a special bond to you that I never had with anyone before; it was like we clicked right away and seemed like you felt the same way until everything went to pieces because the problems that appeared in December, but they were gone now? I thought.

I know that my sms texts were a bit stiff after the last meeting but it was not easy to relax instantly when there had been months of barely any contact so I did not really know where I had you yet, rather waited for you to ask when we can meet again so we could build from there ...

 

I remember how you said: "cutie! definitely we will do adventures together "... and it made me so happy I hoped it would be that we one day would go to New York (yes I would buy my ticket with my own money), see the sky or sit in the sun next to each other, go dancing, sailing, cook dinners (I had nothing against your yummy pasta), play golf, watch movies (Inception example, that never was or Suits ..), meet each other's friends and families at various celebrations, cuddle more ... I dreamed about doing all of that with you, but if you think you will be happier to do it not with me, I hope for your sake that you're right and that whatever you choose instead of me make you happier because I would not want you to go through the pain of making the wrong decision when it's too late.

 

When you do not feel well (if I was your girl) you should be able to turn to me so I can make you feel better, but when you say you can not call because you feel bad as it sounds as if I have been the source of which surprises me when we could talk sincerely in hours before. I really tried to be positive, warm and supportive but felt that it is barely possible to reach more than glimpses last month.

 

You said you have poor self-esteem and I still do not know if it was because of your body or situation but regardless, I liked you as you were ... I was supporting through your surgery and fought for us.

 

You're the only person I met who I think has the best taste in music and I wanted to cheer you all the way to the DJ booth in front of thousands on a house-festival or film music in a cinema.... Just as I felt your great support when you were so cute and said something like: "forget me right now, I'm here and can send you hearts and cheer on you, but focus on your studies and we'll see each other later" ... I wish we had been able to be a team that achieved goals and becoming strong together.

 

On the last meeting you said things like that it feels great, is special what we have compared to everything else and "wow" when we kissed for a while ... We touched each other's noses, which I find very intimate and held tenderly each other's hands ... my heart leaped for joy when you kissed my forehead and neck ... It felt passionately, exciting and nice when we spoke ... laughed ... You did not seem to bother that you were about to miss rehab-appointment but rather sat there and smiled at me ... How did you want it to be really if not like that?

 

I said "I was mad at you" playfully when you slided your hands down my back, but it was only because I felt "Where have you been the three months we barely had contact? "... because even though I loved when you touched me, I wanted to set bounderies on the physical contact until we built up trust and security back (through more communication and dates over time) .

 

Hope you are man enough to tell me the honest truth behind your SMS even if it is negative / brutal. For whether you met another or what you saw in me that did not feel right for you, just say it so I know and can try to avoid getting into the same situation again in the future because that is my biggest fear to be left like this!

 

I really appreciate your feedback and are prepared for it to hurt but tell me anyway I think I'm worth a proper explanation of how you could drop out so suddenly and not really just one but several times ...

Was it the stuff on my facebook or instagram you disliked? What could I have done better? What have I done wrong that made you feel we dont fit? And you even say you like me to find someone else, even though you seemed to like me and was attracted to me, and I thought i was a really great girl? How can you then not want me anymore? Grateful if you help me to understand."

 

what do you think? Probably that i shouldnt send it but please let me know your thoughts anyways <3

[aSadGirl]

The harm is that if he isn't honest - and he very likely won't be - you are going to be making some false conclusions about why he left. And thus, the real problems won't be resolved. And so the cycle will repeat itself.

 

You mentioned you are already seeing a therapist for borderline issues. I assume this means you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? I ask because on my ex-boyfriends is diagnosed BDP and also struggles a lot with relationships. I of course cannot assume you and he are the same, but perhaps I can shed some light on what partners of BPDers experience. Can you explain a bit more why you are in treatment for these issues? What sort of behaviour or concerns led you to find a therapist? Again, I don't want to make any false assumptions about you but this could be enlightening and help identify why the same things seem to keep happening.

 

Ok but the harm in not asking him AT ALL will be that the cycle DEFINITELY willl repeat itself then? So why isnt it better to ask him?

 

Yes you are correct, its cause of my BPD i go to therapy but i just started it so there is no improvement yet..

I am in treatment cause ive struggled last couple of years after breakups in similar fashion by text with other guys.. i am left devastated,.. feeling used and abondoned and its making me unproductive.. i cant function and can litteraly thinking/talking about the "leaving of the guy" for ages before i finally let go, find a new one, date and all is great in beginning (they love me!) but then a couple weeks/few months down the road it always ends.. i cant take it anymore! And theres no similarity between the guys either... I dont understand cause i never get an explaination..

 

What do you think of this potential letter i might send him?

 

"Hey, I feel bad by the sudden end, its difficult to handle for me ... Im writing now cause i seek understanding on how you could be so loving to suddenly send a "breakup" -SMS a few days later? It seemed strange and I felt deceived. Had been more respectful if you made an appointment to say everything instead (we only live a few hundred meters apart in addition) or at least called. On our last meeting you did and said things that gave me hope that we would find their way back to each other again ...

 

Ever since we first met felt a special bond to you that I never had with anyone before; it was like we clicked right away and seemed like you felt the same way until everything went to pieces because the problems that appeared in December, but they were gone now? I thought.

I know that my sms texts were a bit stiff after the last meeting but it was not easy to relax instantly when there had been months of barely any contact so I did not really know where I had you yet, rather waited for you to ask when we can meet again so we could build from there ...

 

I remember how you said: "cutie! definitely we will do adventures together "... and it made me so happy I hoped it would be that we one day would go to New York (yes I would buy my ticket with my own money), see the sky or sit in the sun next to each other, go dancing, sailing, cook dinners (I had nothing against your yummy pasta), play golf, watch movies (Inception example, that never was or Suits ..), meet each other's friends and families at various celebrations, cuddle more ... I dreamed about doing all of that with you, but if you think you will be happier to do it not with me, I hope for your sake that you're right and that whatever you choose instead of me make you happier because I would not want you to go through the pain of making the wrong decision when it's too late.

 

When you do not feel well (if I was your girl) you should be able to turn to me so I can make you feel better, but when you say you can not call because you feel bad as it sounds as if I have been the source of which surprises me when we could talk sincerely in hours before. I really tried to be positive, warm and supportive but felt that it is barely possible to reach more than glimpses last month.

 

You said you have poor self-esteem and I still do not know if it was because of your body or situation but regardless, I liked you as you were ... I was supporting through your surgery and fought for us.

 

You're the only person I met who I think has the best taste in music and I wanted to cheer you all the way to the DJ booth in front of thousands on a house-festival or film music in a cinema.... Just as I felt your great support when you were so cute and said something like: "forget me right now, I'm here and can send you hearts and cheer on you, but focus on your studies and we'll see each other later" ... I wish we had been able to be a team that achieved goals and becoming strong together.

 

On the last meeting you said things like that it feels great, is special what we have compared to everything else and "wow" when we kissed for a while ... We touched each other's noses, which I find very intimate and held tenderly each other's hands ... my heart leaped for joy when you kissed my forehead and neck ... It felt passionately, exciting and nice when we spoke ... laughed ... You did not seem to bother that you were about to miss rehab-appointment but rather sat there and smiled at me ... How did you want it to be really if not like that?

 

I said "I was mad at you" playfully when you slided your hands down my back, but it was only because I felt "Where have you been the three months we barely had contact? "... because even though I loved when you touched me, I wanted to set bounderies on the physical contact until we built up trust and security back (through more communication and dates over time) .

 

Hope you are man enough to tell me the honest truth behind your SMS even if it is negative / brutal. For whether you met another or what you saw in me that did not feel right for you, just say it so I know and can try to avoid getting into the same situation again in the future because that is my biggest fear to be left like this!

 

I really appreciate your feedback and are prepared for it to hurt but tell me anyway I think I'm worth a proper explanation of how you could drop out so suddenly and not really just one but several times ...

Was it the stuff on my facebook or instagram you disliked? What could I have done better? What have I done wrong that made you feel we dont fit? And you even say you like me to find someone else, even though you seemed to like me and was attracted to me, and I thought i was a really great girl? How can you then not want me anymore?Grateful if you help me to understand."

[lana-banana]

Don't send it. I assure you he won't care and at worst he'll send it around to his friends for a laugh. Whatever excitement you get from the sending will be only last a few moments before it's replaced by heart-stopping anxiety. Do not under any circumstances send it. Simply read it over once or twice, meditate on it, print it out if you must and set a match to it, or flush it down the toilet.

 

Don't send it.

[aSadGirl]

Don't send it. I assure you he won't care and at worst he'll send it around to his friends for a laugh. Whatever excitement you get from the sending will be only last a few moments before it's replaced by heart-stopping anxiety. Do not under any circumstances send it. Simply read it over once or twice, meditate on it, print it out if you must and set a match to it, or flush it down the toilet.

 

Don't send it.

 

Did it sound so bad huh... can't I even just write "Hi just want to know why you honestly don't think we fit?" Or is that just as bad too?

 

I wanted to send it at instagram messenger where I CAN DELETE IT and also see if he read it.. but why do you think he won't care/just will laugh for it?

 

I had such wonderful dialogues with him before on instagram and I wanted to block him so he won't really be able to see my content anymore and I not his (cause I neither want him the satisfaction of seeing me either happy or sad if I start to post pics again) BUT then all our message history will be deleted (if i block him)! So I don't know what to do cause I'm sort of sentimental about all the effort with beautiful loving words we put into that instagram-messengers.. I wish I could save them over to computer but I'd have to make screenshot after screenshot (probably hundreds) to save everything...copying would take insane amount of time. I don't know.. it's not like I go look at the text anyway since it hurts and I just get an urge inside to contact him but it feels sad to just remove every fine memory too.. like a final end I don't want it to be.. I know you might think I'm crazy but I somehow still hope he one day will return and then all the lovely things we wrote will feel good to look at ..?

 

At least I Unfriended him on Facebook but that was 2 weeks ago.. I really can't understand how he can live with himself after breaking up with me like this. I thought I meant more to him but apperantly not <\3 it breaks my heart and I'm terrified next guy will do the same to me again :'( I can't function untill closure.. I know you guys telling me I shall see my silence as a closure but it's so hard to not know the reasons for why he left me! Oh what is best to do now.. it's so hard to move on like nothing happened and try again(date) some a guy when he can just up and leave suddenly too

Edited April 12, 2016 by aSadGirl

[LD1990]

I didnt date him so briefly or how do you mean? about almost 2 months and then later a couple weeks too.. or perhaps yeah, it isnt that long of a time but i still care..

 

Well the therapist is saying kind of like you that it will probably be hard for me to get "real answers".. well my ex and i had a much more history than me and my therapist a couple of hours... she will give therapy for my borderline disorder but its going slow yet (1 hour a week last month) so nothing that helped yet..

 

How do I value myself more? Thanks for saying im intelligent.. i am, but i cant function when someone leaves me, that has made my what should have been 3-year-bachelor degree into a drawn out 6 year and im struggling now to even begin my last essey cause i feel im not done with him.. even though he is done with me.. i still need answers.. cause im terrified someone will leave me like him again! it has happened before (guys suddenly send breakup-texts) and it hurts like hell..

 

Well i guess you are right.. i would ask him not what i could change for him but in general.. i have sort of accepted that its over but still wish he would come back on his own.. so i composed this letter i know you will go nuts of to read but please do and tell me what you think ? I want to send it to him.. but im afraid too.. its a long letter and im a bit scared how he will react...

(sorry translation isnt perfect) :

 

Yeah, I definitely don't think you should send the letter. As hard as it is to accept, this guy does not care about you the way you do about him. He's not gonna devote his time to analyzing your relationship. He'll ignore you or give you a quick, cliche response at best.

 

A two month relationship is what most people would consider very brief. You don't begin to truly know someone within such a short period of time. That's one reason therapy also takes time and consistent effort. You have to keep putting in that one hour a week to make progress. Trust me, your therapist is infinitely more qualified to give you advice than your ex.

 

You value yourself by keeping a positive outlook on life and realizing that your life is fine without a boyfriend. What someone else thinks about you doesn't matter. What matters is what you think about yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not send that letter. It sounds very desperate and will not elicit a positive reaction. If anything, it makes you look obsessive. Sorry, but it's true.

 

Leave this guy alone.

 

A better idea is to print out what you wrote and take with you to your therapy appointment. Show your therapist what you wrote, because it's very indicative of your emotional state.

 

But do not, under any circumstances, send it to him.

[aSadGirl]

Yeah, I definitely don't think you should send the letter. As hard as it is to accept, this guy does not care about you the way you do about him. He's not gonna devote his time to analyzing your relationship. He'll ignore you or give you a quick, cliche response at best.

 

A two month relationship is what most people would consider very brief. You don't begin to truly know someone within such a short period of time. That's one reason therapy also takes time and consistent effort. You have to keep putting in that one hour a week to make progress. Trust me, your therapist is infinitely more qualified to give you advice than your ex.

 

You value yourself by keeping a positive outlook on life and realizing that your life is fine without a boyfriend. What someone else thinks about you doesn't matter. What matters is what you think about yourself.

 

Ok if you say so... it makes sense after all..

and asking him just "hi, just wish you to explain to me how you think we dont fit?" will be bad to send also?

 

How am i "winning"in just being scilent..? I know i at least keep my dignity but saying nothing at all makes me feel like he got the easy way out and im just letting him run

I wish he will regret it and see it as a mistake to break up but i know the chance must be very low after his breakup-sms after all..

 

its been 3 weeks now.. and 2 as i havent had him on facebook.. i can still see his instagram even if i unfollowed him and he is following me... im thinking about blocking him (AND his damn friend i think talked him into breaking up with me perhaps) but the only think that is restricting me of that are the long beautiful texts we sent each other on instagram messenger that will get DELEATED for good if i block him... i know you think thats excellent idea but it really cripples me to know all that time i put into those texts (like 100 hours) will get lost in a split second.. they are like beautiful memories.. but at the same time sad since he decided he didnt want me anymore.. so i dont know.. how can i stop be sentimental about it and perahps block him anyway?...

 

what do you by the way think he will think when he sees i have unfriended him on facebook?... wont he feel a bit more respect or something for me then..?

[aSadGirl]

Do not send that letter. It sounds very desperate and will not elicit a positive reaction. If anything, it makes you look obsessive. Sorry, but it's true.

 

Leave this guy alone.

 

A better idea is to print out what you wrote and take with you to your therapy appointment. Show your therapist what you wrote, because it's very indicative of your emotional state.

 

But do not, under any circumstances, send it to him.

 

 

Ok then i wont send it! Several of you tried to make me not send it so i guess you might have apoint.

And asking him just "hi, just wish you to explain to me how you think we dont fit?" will be bad to send also?

 

I did follow your advice and printed the letter out to take to my therapy appointment tomorrow. Thanks for the advice <3

 

But how am i "winning"in just being scilent..? I know i at least keep my dignity but saying nothing at all makes me feel like he got the easy way out and im just letting him run

I wish he will regret it and see it as a mistake to break up but i know the chance must be very low after his breakup-sms after all..

Byut what do you by the way think he will think when he sees i have unfriended him on facebook?... wont he feel a bit more respect or something for me then..?

 

 

Its been 3 weeks now since he broke up.. and 2 as i havent had him on facebook.. i can still see his instagram even if i unfollowed him and he is following me... im thinking about blocking him (AND his damn best-friend i think talked him into breaking up with me perhaps) but the only thing that is restricting me of that are the long beautiful texts we sent each other on instagram messenger that will get DELEATED for good if i block him...

i know you think thats excellent idea but it really cripples me to know all that time i put into those texts (like 100 hours) will get lost in a split second.. they are like beautiful memories.. but at the same time sad since he decided he didnt want me anymore.. so what is the use of reading them over i dont exactly know... bittersweet nostalgia? how can i stop being sentimental about it and perahps block him anyway?...

Please answer thanks you=)

[LD1990]

Ok if you say so... it makes sense after all..

and asking him just "hi, just wish you to explain to me how you think we dont fit?" will be bad to send also?

 

Yes, it will also be bad. It's shorter, but still needy, extremely unlikely to get a worthwhile response, and puts way too much stock in the opinion of this guy.

 

How am i "winning"in just being scilent..? I know i at least keep my dignity but saying nothing at all makes me feel like he got the easy way out and im just letting him run

I wish he will regret it and see it as a mistake to break up but i know the chance must be very low after his breakup-sms after all..

 

This isn't some game between you and him. You heal and move on with your life by not contacting him. You set yourself back when you contact him. It seems like you want to get even with him, or find a way where he feels bad about this, but nothing you can say to him will do that, and even if he did feel bad, that won't make you feel better.

 

its been 3 weeks now.. and 2 as i havent had him on facebook.. i can still see his instagram even if i unfollowed him and he is following me... im thinking about blocking him (AND his damn friend i think talked him into breaking up with me perhaps) but the only think that is restricting me of that are the long beautiful texts we sent each other on instagram messenger that will get DELEATED for good if i block him... i know you think thats excellent idea but it really cripples me to know all that time i put into those texts (like 100 hours) will get lost in a split second.. they are like beautiful memories.. but at the same time sad since he decided he didnt want me anymore.. so i dont know.. how can i stop be sentimental about it and perahps block him anyway?...

 

what do you by the way think he will think when he sees i have unfriended him on facebook?... wont he feel a bit more respect or something for me then..?

 

You'll make more beautiful memories with a guy who actually cares about you. Those messages are simply another way you're refusing to let go of the past. Are you really planning to reread hundreds of Instagram messages with a guy that dumped you? It's time to cut the cord.

 

It really doesn't matter what he thinks. What he thinks or does is unimportant. It doesn't affect your life.

[d0nnivain]

Block him. The beautiful memories will stick with you but the reality is he trampled on all that was good & pure about your relationship. Those so called beautiful memories were ruined the minute he broke up with you.

[aSadGirl]

Yes, it will also be bad. It's shorter, but still needy, extremely unlikely to get a worthwhile response, and puts way too much stock in the opinion of this guy.

 

Ok well maybe.. i just remember how he said he loved that im so honest and telling/speaking exactly of how things are/feel before, so i thought maybe if i open myself up and let him know my thoughts/feelings he would feel im like back then when he "loved me" and he would like me again.. but i know its probably a shot in the dark...

 

I know you say i shouldnt put too much stock in the opinion of him but its so hard not to! even if we only dated few months i cant understand why he seemed to feel so strong about me (wanted me to meet his family, said he never felt so much for a girl before me and he was afraid to lose me) then HE is the one dumping me.. its incredible how tables turn without me even doing something really other than being myself i was right from beginning , but it was just his feelings that changed for some reasons.. things in me he saw when we dated maybe.. but im so CHOCKED how i cant "win men's love IN THE LONG RUN" i dated but rather get dumped like this all the time.. it confuses me why i just cant get a boyfriend to want to stay in for the long houl... thats why i feel so sad also and like im a failed woman who cant keep a man despite my beauty inside out and all i think i do got that "should" be keeping a man but apperantly not

 

 

This isn't some game between you and him. You heal and move on with your life by not contacting him. You set yourself back when you contact him. It seems like you want to get even with him, or find a way where he feels bad about this, but nothing you can say to him will do that, and even if he did feel bad, that won't make you feel better.

 

Ok perhaps so be it.. you are probably right with this, i shouldnt try to make him feel anything... i think he perfectly manages to feel bad on his own,... if its true he feels so bad he got some deep issues i dont understand he must sort out.. but im still feel this just is a case of him losing interest cause other girls seem interesting too and he wants to make a career and sleep around before he commits perhaps 5-15 years down the road.. he never mentioned "familY/kids/marriage" thoughts during our dating.. not me really either. dont remember if i ever mentioned id love to get married/kids in about 5 years or so... (but i think we didnt discussed it no..)

 

You'll make more beautiful memories with a guy who actually cares about you. Those messages are simply another way you're refusing to let go of the past. Are you really planning to reread hundreds of Instagram messages with a guy that dumped you? It's time to cut the cord.

 

It really doesn't matter what he thinks. What he thinks or does is unimportant. It doesn't affect your life.

 

He seemed to care so much about me first 1.5 months! I dont understand how it all could just vannish even if we did "stumble" on that economy thing ..(where he want to split costs and I wish the man pay a bit more.. i think i wasnt so clear about how much though and just recently realized i only meant for when we go for dates i wish a man to pay for dinner and such.. perhaps give some flower o gifts.. not like he has to pay my life-expenses but its too late now i guess)..

 

I keep having hard time coping with my day-to-day life.. feeling like things doesnt interest me anymore.. friends family.. hobbies.. all i do is eat sleep and excersise.. plus a little work and a lot of talking on phone with my bestfriend + other psychiatrists..

I know i cant let my life be like this but its so hard to make a change.. even though i know i shall try to study at least which should be top priority but its like i dont give a damn about my future now that i know the man i wanted dumped me like this life feels worthless to continue almost.. i know it sounds pathetic but thats how i feel.. im burtstin out into tears now and have done it some times almost every day.. some days are a bit "better" but now im at a low point...

 

Just took a sleeping pill to have some sleep.. (i have distrubed patterns and have trouble falling asleep in time). Just recieved 5-HTP pills today and will perhaps try them out too to get up my mood.

I shall also mention that for the past week ive had INFLUENZA around in my body so that also makes everything worse cause im walking around at home alone sick and thinking of him extra much ;(

 

Please respond again thank you <3

[katiegrl]

SadGirl, first off I am so sorry you are experiencing so much angst over this guy!

 

BTDT (still doing it actually not to the degree you are though)...

 

In any event, you asked us earlier why guys seem so into you at first, and then end up leaving you.

 

I suspect it has something to do with the symptoms of borderline, which you said earlier you suffer from.

 

Emotional intensity, anxiety, insecurity, excessive neediness, a sense of desperation, paralyzing fear of rejection... among other things.

 

I mean absolutely no disrespect, in fact I have issues of my own.... but I sensed all this from you just from reading your first couple of posts.

 

I know you said you don't behave this way with the guys you date... that you act like the cool chick, easy going, whatevs.... however, the reality is, we have no idea how we come across to other people.

 

And no matter how hard we try to hide certain unfavorable traits in ourselves, men (and women) can sense them through the energy we project.... and it turns them off ....

 

There is simply no hiding these things no matter how hard you try... and I would venture to guess this guy sensed them too and that is why he broke up with you. It's a lot to deal with.... a lot of pressure.

 

Also, if you send that text, you will only be re-confirming to him why he left you and that he made the right decision -- it sounds extremely needy and desperate. Way too intense. DON'T SEND IT.

 

Please work with your therapist and find ways to combat and control these symptoms otherwise the same thing will continue happening with each and every guy you date.

 

Best of luck sweetie, hang in there! With the help of your therapist, you will be okay.

Edited April 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[aSadGirl]

great text

 

 

Thank you dear katiegrl!

No one can imagine the angst... sorry for yours too!

 

Maybe you are right about my borderline affected the relationshop badly.. but i try to be sensible.. not letting neediness and such take over.. although i know it might have a role in it ,, perhaps bigger than i thought.. it might be true cause its hard to know how we come across to others yes... i guess i secretly hoped and felt secure in his love but it got diminesed...

 

I actually have come to terms with that i think you and everytone here who tells me NOT to send the long text are correct.. i wont send it i have decided.. i dont want to come across as desperate.. even with only one question such as "in what ways dont you think we fit together?" reeks of insecurity too, right?

 

Yes i will try to work with my therapist.. she was sick last time so its weeks between our appointments but yeah..

Thank you, so kind words <333

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you dear katiegrl!

No one can imagine the angst... sorry for yours too!

 

Maybe you are right about my borderline affected the relationshop badly.. but i try to be sensible.. not letting neediness and such take over.. although i know it might have a role in it ,, perhaps bigger than i thought.. it might be true cause its hard to know how we come across to others yes... i guess i secretly hoped and felt secure in his love but it got diminesed...

 

I actually have come to terms with that i think you and everytone here who tells me NOT to send the long text are correct.. i wont send it i have decided.. i dont want to come across as desperate.. even with only one question such as "in what ways dont you think we fit together?" reeks of insecurity too, right?

 

Yes i will try to work with my therapist.. she was sick last time so its weeks between our appointments but yeah..

Thank you, so kind words <333

 

Yes, it does.

 

You really need to let this go.

 

Your therapist can probably give you some great strategies to heal. Let her manage this, not your ex.

[aSadGirl]

Yes, it does.

 

You really need to let this go.

 

Your therapist can probably give you some great strategies to heal. Let her manage this, not your ex.

 

Ok i did show this letter to my therapist.. she asked me what i think about it and i said i wont send it..

 

but maybe i shall write him something else?

I hate the feeling that he got away the easy way out... its not fair! while i myself am suffering so much what do you guys think? Perhaps i can at least voice up and tell him how its not ok to act the way he did? but he did apologize in his dump-sms anyway.. so i dont know where im getting at with this thoughts.. i just hate to feel it really is over and i have no power to switch things on for me and him again? i have stopped update all social media as im depressed... and ive been sick for 2.5 weeks now in FLU so i know it affects my thinking badly but still.. i dont know what tod do. dont want to just leave things there, altough i know i cant fight for us without him wanting to too.. damn, i just hate to live on feeling like he dont love me.. and no guy ever has for more than about 2 months.. then they all leave me and i dont know why! How can i stop this negative pattern? Please help!

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok i did show this letter to my therapist.. she asked me what i think about it and i said i wont send it..

 

but maybe i shall write him something else?

I hate the feeling that he got away the easy way out... its not fair! while i myself am suffering so much what do you guys think? Perhaps i can at least voice up and tell him how its not ok to act the way he did? but he did apologize in his dump-sms anyway.. so i dont know where im getting at with this thoughts.. i just hate to feel it really is over and i have no power to switch things on for me and him again? i have stopped update all social media as im depressed... and ive been sick for 2.5 weeks now in FLU so i know it affects my thinking badly but still.. i dont know what tod do. dont want to just leave things there, altough i know i cant fight for us without him wanting to too.. damn, i just hate to live on feeling like he dont love me.. and no guy ever has for more than about 2 months.. then they all leave me and i dont know why! How can i stop this negative pattern? Please help!

 

That's a question we aren't really equipped to answer. You need to discuss that with your therapist, who actually knows you and is professionally trained to help you.

 

Don't write him anything. Just stop.

 

I know it doesn't feel fair, but that's life, unfortunately. It just isn't always fair and we don't have control over the way people behave. You can't change anyone else, and make them love us. It doesn't work that way.

 

Plenty of us have been in your shoes and far worse. We have been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, you name it. The critical point is how we deal with those feelings. This is where your problem is now. it's not about this random guy. You haven't yet learned to manage those negative emotions in a healthy way, which is why your therapist is so important. What has she or he suggested as a means of coping?

[LD1990]

I hate the feeling that he got away the easy way out... its not fair! while i myself am suffering so much

 

Life is not a fairy tale where the good people always get what they want in the end while the bad guys suffer for their misdeeds. It's extremely unlikely that anything you say will have an effect on him. The most likely scenario if you write him is that he doesn't care and takes it as an example of why he was right to dump you.

 

Maybe it's not fair, but that's the world we live in and you either have to deal with it or be miserable about it. And really, who are we to say what's fair here? Does he really deserve to suffer because he lost interest in you? Maybe he already feels terrible about it. Just because you're unhappy doesn't mean he also deserves to be unhappy. Focus on making yourself happy again. That's what's important here. I bet even if you knew he was miserable, it wouldn't bring you much satisfaction.

[aSadGirl]

Dear people out there, PLEASE HELP ME! Im drowning in heartbroken sorrow tears now </3

 

First time my ex broke up (right before christmas 2015) was mostly due to we had diffrent views on how economy shall be treated in a relationship.. i like chivalry and a man treating me for dinner/dates while he prefers all cost shall be split till the penny 50/50...I said i can try it his way but he had pain in his limb after surgery and seemed low cause he couldnt work so much other than on the music which is more like his hobby than work but isnt goin anywhere it seems..

 

Anyway the first time he broke up told me he doesnt know what he wants and "if we shall try again i want to be done with rehab cause right now I got so much stuff to sort out".. I was hurt though cause i saw him partying and i ofcourse wasnt invited.. he just said "Happy b-day :)" on my birthday and seemed very "friendly / yet distant / cold"..

 

After 3 months of sporadic contact (where he even tried to ";)" flirt a bit with me on text, he other times said: 'it´s maybe best we leave our book closed') we met, went for a walk , talked, laughed, had fun.. and he flirted and initiated kissing a lot.. and he smiled like he was really happy (almost like when he cried before when we were together saying i made him so happy) so he didnt even care he was about to miss his doctor-appointment.. I said its time to go (was getting cold after sun 4 hours and we both had stuff to take care of), we held hands, laughed and he kissed me bye infront of many people saying we'll be in touch later (and he texted me a few hours after asking how it went for me with shopping in town.. i said great and that im having dinner with my bestfriend and he said "greet her from me" and stuff.. it felt like he tried to get closer). Also on the last date when i asked how old his mom's dog is he said "you can ask her :)" as if im allowed closer to his circle (i hadn't met het yet)...so i felt more and more safe..

Especially after he on the date said:

 

"it feels really good and special" (with me).. and he texted me every day asking how im doing and saying "kiss goodnight" then one day he asked what im doing.. i didnt respond right away (it was a saturaday and i knew he was with his best friend who by the way UNFOLLOWED me on instagram the same day i went for a walk with my ex again which seemed fishy and really like you say in one of your videos "your ex's friends are not your friends!")

Then i said i went for a workout and then baked a cake 'yesterday' and he said "sounds funny to bake cake after gym" (sarcastic) and i said "when you work out almost every other day a cheatmeal is alloswed;)" or something in those lines.. he just said "yeah, it doesnt sound wrong either.."

which made me devastaded (sounded ice-cold), i cried but said nothing. Then the next day (JUST 5 after our great walk where we both seemed to want to find a way back to each other) he texted me:

 

"Hey, i want to confess that i was lost last time we saw each other and took a wrong step towards you. I gave wrong signals and for that im truely sorry. I was and am weak and kissed you cause i thought i knew what i wanted. But the truth is i had no idea! You are a really great girl but i feel now afterhand that we dont fit! I need to be single a long time now and take care of my personal problems and tasks.

I wanted to call and tell everything, but i dont feel well! I just want to be alone and take my walks in solitude, clear and restore myself! One day i feel super and next feels like the worlds end! I didnt want to create confusion between us! I wanted you to know this and i hope you cn forgive me and i wish you all the best! We can ofcourse be friends but i understand if you dont want to.

But i will need some months to get structure with myself and my life in solitude! I will never forget our wonderful moments! You are a great girl and you will find someone good! Big hugs. Your friend <3"

 

I really wish to know what he felt we didnt fit as cause i thought we fitted almost perfectly but to keep my dignity im not saying a single word. I learned that lesson from last time a guy dumped me by sms: he just said he doesnt want to see a woman (me) he doesnt want to be in a realtionship with more... (what i didnt knew at that time but found out later was he had met someone else)... so perhaps my recent ex also met someone else, but what do I know ? He doesnt seem so happy though, no updates on social media since our last breakup.. not me either.

 

I deleted him on facebook 1 week after he broke up by text.. but i can still see his instagram (even though i unfollowed him)... Its been 2 months now.. im still hurting because i dont not understand why he doesnt love me enough to be with me... but what else can i do than this no-contact thing? I dont believe anymore in "get-back tactics", i tried post happy-pictures on social media first time he broke up and they seemed to work a bit.. but now what?

I feel its over but i wish it wasnt.. even though i reaslise heres too much RESENTMENT from my part at least for it to be a healthy relationship again.. He'd have to prove for me everyday for the rest of his life that he deserves to have me and i dont think he could do that.. rather feels like other way around since he seemed to found flaws in me he didnt like and therefore broke up?

 

I wish he'd come back running saying he loves me and wants me back but like you said its maybe this is coming more from my ego than really my heart hmm... but my best shot if i want him back is same as if i dont you said in one video: to just move on and improve myself? I did so the first time around but apperantly not enough..

 

Btw his best friend had known my ex since they were kids and I don't think he liked me cause when Me and my ex used to date in the beginning we hung out like 3 times a week.. after the break up his best friends sleeps over the entire weekends at my ex's house.. so I think he was jealous..also he is eating for free. taking advantage of my ex money while my ex complained about this on our last walk-making-out-in-the-sun-date.. but he still let it happen cause he defended his best friend with that he had a rough time financially so he wants to help but that it's not good in the long run..

Anyway his best friend like I said deleted me from instagram on me-and-my-ex last date where we tried to reconcile/find a way back sort of.. and when his best friend slept over the weekend I asked what they were doing and he said "watching movies eating homecooked dinner candy etc ;)" I said jokingly it sounded romantic.. (for real . though I was frustrated he didn't asked me out that weekend but rather hung with his best friend even though we live just a yard between) which I don't think he welcomned...

 

He asked what I was doing (same Saturday evening) but I didn't respond till the day after as I mentioned above. Maybe I interpret too much but because I didn't answer him right away I think his best friend might said " she is probably with some other man right now, that's why she doesn't respond" or something.. and I know my ex don't like to wait for too many hours for response.. but I was just at home after workout baking/eating a cake but didn't want to admit it while he was with his best friend.. (since his best friend removed me from instagram i didn't want to Hola at him or offer to give them both slices of the cake...) so i stayed quiet till next day but from then it went downhill fast and ended.

 

I miss him so much because he really felt like home and he had himself stated we might be soulmates which i really felt </3 i recall how he even cried tears of JOY when he was with me, before the first breakup saying he really dont want to lose me and feels more for me than anybody, and on our last date 2 months ago he also looked very happy, smiling "giggly". Can't understand how all that love just vanishes so quickly..

 

I dont want to live on withouthim, im approaching my 30´s and wanted to share all the rest of my life with him, have his children etc.. i dont wantt his to end like this.. part of me wonder if it would helped perhaps if i already back when i started feeling the slightliest bad thing asked "what can i do to fulfill your desires/needs in a way that you think would make our relationship blossom?" or "what is it that i do that you/say at times which you dont like/would like me to stop?" - do you think that could have stopped the breakup from happening?

 

I apologize for this long message but I hope you find the urge to read and answer. I have looked through houndreds of relationship advice videos and texts but i cant resolve this myself <3

Edited May 18, 2016 by aSadGirl

[LD1990]

part of me wonder if it would helped perhaps if i already back when i started feeling the slightliest bad thing asked "what can i do to fulfill your desires/needs in a way that you think would make our relationship blossom?" or "what is it that i do that you/say at times which you dont like/would like me to stop?" - do you think that could have stopped the breakup from happening?

 

A huge no to ever asking both of these questions, particularly the first one as "make our relationship blossom" sounds more like whimsical fairy tale language than how anyone would actually talk. Compromise and learning how to handle problems with your partner is one thing. But those questions both just sound needy and way too eager to please. You're a person, not some robot girlfriend he programs with the features he wants.

 

You're really over analyzing every little thing that happened between you, him, and his best friend. There's a more simple solution - he's just not that into you, as the saying goes. Not the best feeling in the world, I know, but it also comes with the territory. Not everyone you meet or date is going to be compatible with you, in fact the vast majority won't. He found out after some time together that he wasn't into you. It's tough when you feel otherwise, but you have to accept it. Trust me, these difficulties will make it that much sweeter when you find someone you really connect with, and who really connects with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I can only give you the same advice as before:

 

Let this guy go.

 

His is not coming back. You are not going to marry him and have his children, and no amount of pleading on your part will change that. You very much need to a reality check, here.

 

He has now told you several times he doesn't want a relationship with you. You are refusing to listen and sabotaging your own happiness.

 

Print out your latest post and bring it to your next therapy appointment, if you are still attending. This man is not responsible for your happiness. You are. And you are doing an awful lot to make yourself miserable, though I know you don't see it that way right now.