JelatineDessert Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 Have been dating a guy for over a month and we hooked up last Tuesday at his place. He knows I am not looking for anything serious. (We didnt have sex, but fooled around a lot). He hadn't reached out to me after hooking up for almost a week and I gave in and reached out saying hi. (He would text me almost everyday and ask me out almost every week). When I reached out, he asked to hang out but I'm not going to be available this week due to family things, and I let him know that. He's also going out of state for a week. I am just wondering, why did he not contact me for almost a week after we hooked up? I mean, I know i'm not looking for anything serious, but I feel rejected. I'm usually a person with high self esteem and know what I have to offer a man but did he not enjoy the hookup? Was I bad? It makes me feel like maybe I wasn't good enough. I feel I did a good job in pleasuring him but I just feel like a little bit of a loser. Men, any insight into his behavior? I just want a good friends with benefits and thought I was going to finally have that for once in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 No one is responding to this post Wish I could delete it now... Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamworld Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 Hi I am a woman but I have had successful friends with benefits and to put it bluntly, you are not treating this like a friends with benefits. Friends with benefits is exactly what the term is. Friends. With benefits. I know I dont give a second thought about how often my friends contact me. And him texting you everyday and asking you out all the time doesnt happen with friends with benefits either. To me it just seems he was pursuing you until the sex happened and when it didnt after some time, he sort of lost interest. In a fwb, you treat each other as you would any other friend. You just happen to have sex in addition whenever the need arises be it each time you meet or sporadically. If you start worrying and analyzing about why he is not doing what or when, the fwb dynamic is not working for you. People say these types of arrangements never work for women because they end up falling for the friend, but to be completely honest this kind of arrangement has been the best for me. You have a cool friend to touch base with from time to time and you get to have non commited sex. My fwb and i sometimes would get busy and not be in touch for months at a time. And then when we did we just picked up like friends would do and then hook up when we wanted to. We are no longer fwb but back to being friends, but because we have agreed to keep it platonic, we have more boundaries and dont meet one on one anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I'm confused. You say that you've been dating him - but you also talk of friends with benefits. I didn't think people who were FWB also dated each other. Could it be that he wanted more than FWB and when he found out that you don't want anything serious, he walked away from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 I'm confused. You say that you've been dating him - but you also talk of friends with benefits. I didn't think people who were FWB also dated each other. Could it be that he wanted more than FWB and when he found out that you don't want anything serious, he walked away from you? Well on our third date, he asked what kind of relationship I was looking for and I said that I do not want anything serious, and to just have someone to enjoy their company and enjoy life with. He said that he also wanted the same thing. And in regards to the question on dating - I was dating him because I wanted to get to know him. I used the term dating as a word for just "getting to know each other." Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I think you need to be honest with yourself that you are looking for a relationship. If you say 'nothing serious' that means just sex and no obligation from the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 I think you need to be honest with yourself that you are looking for a relationship. If you say 'nothing serious' that means just sex and no obligation from the other person. I don't want a relationship with him, honestly. But physically, yes please! But no one seems to be telling me what they think about the fact that he hadnt reach out for a while. I'm just confused as to why he went that long without talking to me. And when I reached out, he proposed that we go out again. Link to post Share on other sites
Elwood Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 There is no way to really know why he didn't contact you other than asking him and even then you might not get the truth. Could be he is keeping distance, waiting for you to contact him. If he is "missing in action" it makes you wonder what is going on, maybe want him more. I really don't know but it doesn't mean it is negative. Contact him. If you want a FWB situation with him call him, tell him and lay it out there. I think too often both men and women sit around wondering what the other is thinking/doing and we miss opportunities to be together. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I don't want a relationship with him, honestly. But physically, yes please! But no one seems to be telling me what they think about the fact that he hadnt reach out for a while. I'm just confused as to why he went that long without talking to me. And when I reached out, he proposed that we go out again. Why didn't he reach out to you? Because you're not dating and he doesn't have the emotional investment in you to want to talk to you. I've had 3 FWB in my life, one for over 2 years. In every case we'd go weeks or months without talking to each other. 2 of them took me out to dinner or drinks, 1 was actually a good hangout buddy. We went boating, bbq'd, had movie nights, went to parties or bars together, hooked up and then didn't speak again until one of us was bored and horny. We never chatted the next day about how great our latest sexcapade was. The key to a successful FWB situation is no emotional involvement. These were all men I found highly physically attractive and fun to be around but there was some flaw that prevented me from falling for them; I assume they felt the same about me. Sometimes they didn't text me back, sometimes I turned them down, sometimes I'd look at my phone and see their name and decide I was having more fun where I was. Feelings never got hurt because there were no feelings. They never once questioned me or got mad and life went on drama-free. The fact that you're feeling rejected means that he has the ability to influence your emotions which means you're emotionally invested in him. That's not a good start. How will you feel when he doesn't text you for a month? When he says he's not interested tonight? If it's going to hurt then stop now. So why didn't he text? Because he wasn't thinking about you. Why did he propose going out again when you texted? Because you're offering sex. It's that simple. FWB should be that simple when done right. He's doing it right, you're not. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I don't want a relationship with him, honestly. But physically, yes please! But no one seems to be telling me what they think about the fact that he hadnt reach out for a while. I'm just confused as to why he went that long without talking to me. And when I reached out, he proposed that we go out again. I have a girlfriend that has two guys as her FWB. I couldn't do it but I can tell you from what I've gathered from her. She sees them when she wants to and they see her when they want to. There's no contact until they decide to meet again so she can sometimes go a couple of weeks without talking to either one of them. It's a sex arrangement. Communication happens only when it's time to have sex/fun again. And when she's not in communication with them, she doesn't even analyze it. None of this reading into his behavior and feeling rejected. If you're going to be emotionally affected because you have certain expectations, then this isn't a good arrangement for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 Why didn't he reach out to you? Because you're not dating and he doesn't have the emotional investment in you to want to talk to you. I've had 3 FWB in my life, one for over 2 years. In every case we'd go weeks or months without talking to each other. 2 of them took me out to dinner or drinks, 1 was actually a good hangout buddy. We went boating, bbq'd, had movie nights, went to parties or bars together, hooked up and then didn't speak again until one of us was bored and horny. We never chatted the next day about how great our latest sexcapade was. The key to a successful FWB situation is no emotional involvement. These were all men I found highly physically attractive and fun to be around but there was some flaw that prevented me from falling for them; I assume they felt the same about me. Sometimes they didn't text me back, sometimes I turned them down, sometimes I'd look at my phone and see their name and decide I was having more fun where I was. Feelings never got hurt because there were no feelings. They never once questioned me or got mad and life went on drama-free. But is it normal that he's doing this so early on? We only had gotten physical once and he hadn't contacted me for so long. I mean, if he enjoyed his time with me and enjoyed the physical time we shared, why wouldn't he want that again sooner? It makes me feel like maybe I wasn't good at what I was doing. (Even though other guys I've been physical with enjoyed it). I mean, if you enjoyed your time with your friends with benefits, why didnt you guys meet up more often instead of months apart? Was it because you didn't like the sex that much? Or? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 30, 2016 Share Posted March 30, 2016 But is it normal that he's doing this so early on? We only had gotten physical once and he hadn't contacted me for so long. I mean, if he enjoyed his time with me and enjoyed the physical time we shared, why wouldn't he want that again sooner? It makes me feel like maybe I wasn't good at what I was doing. (Even though other guys I've been physical with enjoyed it). I mean, if you enjoyed your time with your friends with benefits, why didnt you guys meet up more often instead of months apart? Was it because you didn't like the sex that much? Or? Yes, it's normal that he's doing it right away. You're friends with benefits; there's no easing in process by which he woos you, takes you on dates, calls every day and then slowly backs off into a booty call. Be honest, that would probably make you feel worse. I'm sure you were great in bed so don't worry about that. The guys I saw, one in particular, were quite satisfying in bed and lots of fun. It was always spontaneous, exciting, messy fun As far as why I didn't see them for weeks or months, I had other things to do. I had friends, a job, sometimes I just wanted to be alone. I also like the thrill of the chase and went out with other men too. The FWBs were already caught. They were in my back pocket for when the mood struck but they were never priorities. Your guy has other things to do. You're not a priority. He doesn't need to talk to you unless he wants sex. He might have other women that he's pursuing. He has a life. That's the way FWB works and there's nothing further that you need to analyze. When you're together, you're together; when you're not, you're not. The fact that your feelings are getting hurt means there are feelings involved. Are you sure all you want is a FWB? Because a guy that doesn't matter doesn't affect your self-esteem. If you can't have unattached sex without dissecting his every thought then you're not cut out for this and that's ok but be honest about what he means to you and whether or not you'll get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 The fact that your feelings are getting hurt means there are feelings involved. Are you sure all you want is a FWB? Because a guy that doesn't matter doesn't affect your self-esteem. Well the reason why I'm upset about it is not because I want him as my boyfriend or anything but because I wanted to continue hooking up with him and was excited to explore a new place in my life that I've never explored before (such as having a FWB). So when he's not reaching out as often to hang out, it makes me think that maybe he doesn't want to hook up with me anymore and that I wasn't good enough in bed for him to wanna see me again. The part about being self-conscious was more about feeling like maybe I wasn't good in bed. (I've only been physical with 2 other guys before. They seemed to enjoy it though). I know that I don't want this guy to be my serious boyfriend, so there are no hurt feelings in that arena, but the only hurt feelings I have is: "Was I so bad in bed that he doesnt want to see me again or experience it again??" Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 He already said he wanted to see you again when you reached out. He wouldn't have asked for more if it was terrible. I have a guy friend who has pulled out of a girl, gotten dressed and walked out because the sex was so bad. That didn't happen so I'm sure he was perfectly happy and you're just overthinking it Kick back, relax and let him initiate the next one. FWB can be exciting and fun but, like a couple of us have said before, there isn't a lot of contact. Don't worry even if he doesn't call. Just chalk it up to experience and find a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 He already said he wanted to see you again when you reached out. He wouldn't have asked for more if it was terrible. I have a guy friend who has pulled out of a girl, gotten dressed and walked out because the sex was so bad. That didn't happen so I'm sure he was perfectly happy and you're just overthinking it Kick back, relax and let him initiate the next one. FWB can be exciting and fun but, like a couple of us have said before, there isn't a lot of contact. Don't worry even if he doesn't call. Just chalk it up to experience and find a new one. Thank you PinkElephants for your insight! I really appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
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