burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I went through multiple break-ups with the same person. During each break-up period music became one of the things that soothed me. But my taste of music changes constantly (music ADD?). So during each break-up period I was listening to a different collection of music. Each collection very beautiful and very healing. But the problem is, I cannot bear to listen to any of those songs without feeling like I'm back to that particular time, experiencing those exact emotions. Those healing songs so awfully have gotten tangled up with my raw painful emotions from that time period and just playing the music makes me relive the pain. So, I have no other option but to cut these songs out of my music library. And so now here's the dilemma: I'm still miserable everyday; what should I listen to? Anything I listen to now and fall in love with will only become a reminder of what I'm going through now. It's like the toxic emotions make the music toxic forever. Not cool. (note to moderator: sorry, not sure whether this post belongs). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 Wow, I'm the same way.. I've been in a meditative state where I try being aware of what I listen to(always,but especially now going through issues from a breakup and other stuff). One thing I realized is that, when you're feeling good and you want to listen to something that brings up those raw emotions, you gotta force yourself to listen and FEEL .... so that you get those emotions out. Eventually, you'll be able to hear that song/playlist knowing that you listened to it when you were feeling good/better as well, not just bad...hope that makes sense. But yeah, I'm a music junkie too,but I also have ADD so my tastes are constantly changing. But songs and movies definitely trigger emotions for me and sometimes I wish my memory and "ear" wasn't so keen. Blessing and a curse... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 Music is very moving on many levels. The songs that trigger painful memories also helped you heal. Maybe you can focus on how it brought you thru those darker days. I combat raw emotions by putting on some kick a$$, upbeat, dance type music. The kind that makes it hard to stay in your seat bc you just want to move to the beat due to the happy vibes sent out . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) don't have any advice, Burnt... sorry. HUGS! this is what i did - i tried to listen to that old painful music & create new, happy memories. i literally wrote down a list (i love doing those ) of songs that make me sad and then - i tried to connect them with new memories. so i'd listen to those songs while doing something awesome or feeling awesome and tried to just... enjoy, connect with the song again. think and do happy while listening to that song and focus on the happy feeling. it worked for me - after a while, i simply replaced the old memories with the new ones. so maybe try that out? it does suck though. music, places... even WORDS. i remember with my last break up... i'd feel good and i'd have a fun day and just one random, totally random WORD... would take me back to him and our moments together - and i'd turn into this huge emotional mess. triggers are a**holes. but, you will forget. trust me. we do forget and move on. Edited March 24, 2016 by minimariah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 Right now when you still feel really raw, it may be best to just find new music to help you. But eventually, when you start feeling a little better, I recommend trying to slowly bring that music back. Exposure therapy will eventually help you disassociate that music from sadness, and you'll be able to hear it again without hurting. It worked for me. But don't feel bad for taking a step back right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Oh my God, thank you everyone for your replies. To be completely honest, I hesitated posting this initially; I was kinda sorta venting in this post, not really expecting any helpful suggestions, other than perhaps some words of understanding from people who might have felt he same way as I do--misery loves company you know. But wow; your insights are REALLY right on point, and I'm truly thankful for your suggestions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Wow, I'm the same way.. I've been in a meditative state where I try being aware of what I listen to(always,but especially now going through issues from a breakup and other stuff). That's a really good strategy; I have hard time meditating--mind wonders constantly. I am trying though ... One thing I realized is that, when you're feeling good and you want to listen to something that brings up those raw emotions, you gotta force yourself to listen and FEEL .... so that you get those emotions out. Eventually, you'll be able to hear that song/playlist knowing that you listened to it when you were feeling good/better as well, not just bad...hope that makes sense. So true. Running from what causes the pain only prolongs the pain. What you said above really runs along the lines of mindfulness--to experience, to observe, and then to let go. The simplest idea is often the hardest to practice. Thanks for your suggestions Spacey. PS I have some of your recents posts in the coping section; I'm sorry for how you are feeling lately. One day at a time. Hope today is a bit better for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 burnt, I've been thinking about the same thing recently. For me, I've tried to reclaim certain songs as "my own" and not anything I associate with her or anyone else but me. They are my songs. As a previous poster said, I try to do something entirely positive while I listen to them. For the medium/faster tempo ones, or ones with motivational lyrics, I'll listen to them when I run. Exercise can be very cathartic. A few weeks ago, I ran in the rain when literally no one else was out, and I listened to some of the songs I used to associate with her, and I pretty much reclaimed them that day. It was a very empowering moment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 don't have any advice, Burnt... sorry. HUGS! Hi MiniMariah; thank you. You know I always love your posts. Actually, what you wrote below is an amazing advice! this is what i did - i tried to listen to that old painful music & create new, happy memories. i literally wrote down a list (i love doing those ) of songs that make me sad and then - i tried to connect them with new memories. so i'd listen to those songs while doing something awesome or feeling awesome and tried to just... enjoy, connect with the song again. think and do happy while listening to that song and focus on the happy feeling. That is a great idea. That's going to be my strategy; let's see how well it works. Yes, I know it will take time. But will definitely try. triggers are a**holes. Well Said !! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Music is very moving on many levels. The songs that trigger painful memories also helped you heal. Maybe you can focus on how it brought you thru those darker days. So true. You are absolutely right. I tend to wallow about how much pain I feel when I listen to those songs that trigger the painful memories. But you are right, I should try to remind myself the beautiful ways they provided me with comfort at a time of loss. I guess in some ways, listening to those songs makes me feel like visiting a grave of a loved one. Thank you for suggestion Methodical. Matter of retraining my mind to see the beauty in the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 ^ Which is itself an aesthetic ideal - beauty of pain, humor of sorrow, sorrow of humor, pain of beauty, etc. Can't relate too well to the OT bc at my worst times I couldn't really listen to music at all - talk radio all day, every day. Any actual music that snuck in, even if it sucked, became an automatic EMOTION! trigger. :-/ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 For me, I've tried to reclaim certain songs as "my own" and not anything I associate with her or anyone else but me. MP, that's a very insightful observation. You're right. It's very interesting way you put it "to reclaim my own". The pain from the loss of the person somehow robbed the intimacy I once had with the music and thus the music becomes about the person. A few weeks ago, I ran in the rain when literally no one else was out, and I listened to some of the songs I used to associate with her, and I pretty much reclaimed them that day. It was a very empowering moment. I am so seriously jealous of you now. I absolutely love to walk in the rain--it's an incredibly liberating experience. There's something so pure about feeling the rain washing down on your bare skin and feeling cleansed by nature's tears. I wish I could run--bad knee. Well, damn you for having so much fun! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 ^ Which is itself an aesthetic ideal - beauty of pain, humor of sorrow, sorrow of humor, pain of beauty, etc. Paradoxes usually are: interesting, but also very aesthetic. Then again, isn't the entire life one big ironic paradox? (OK, let me stop before I hop on that runaway train…) Can't relate too well to the OT bc at my worst times I couldn't really listen to music at all - talk radio all day, every day. Any actual music that snuck in, even if it sucked, became an automatic EMOTION! trigger. :-/ Actually, I can relate to that; there was a phase when I couldn't listen to ANY music at all. Sad music made me feel sadder and happy music made me feel angrier which then turned into depression made me feel even sadder than before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 That's a really good strategy; I have hard time meditating--mind wonders constantly. I am trying though ... So true. Running from what causes the pain only prolongs the pain. What you said above really runs along the lines of mindfulness--to experience, to observe, and then to let go. The simplest idea is often the hardest to practice. Thanks for your suggestions Spacey. PS I have some of your recents posts in the coping section; I'm sorry for how you are feeling lately. One day at a time. Hope today is a bit better for you. Thanks Burnt. Yep one day at time is my outlook for now. Today is better actually, the weather helps... This is an awesome thread, btw... Rock on!!! Or Jazz on???? Depending on what you fancy today, lol... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I love music. It's my life. When I'm down I tend to listen to a lot of Elliott Smith. He was such a sad person. It sounds crazy but listening to him would make me feel better. Sadness makes you feel so isolated from everyone around you. When I would put him on, I felt like I wasn't so alone. Funny you mentioned how music brings back memories and raw emotions. It's because so many areas of your brain are engaged when listening to music. That is why many Alzheimer patients benefit from music therapy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 I'm driving, listening to one of "those" songs we're talking about and just started thinking... I'm so sentimental (on the low) , but if you saw me you wouldn't even think I'm up in loveshack like this... For real...I put on a really good face for the world, to a certain extent. Those in my immediate circle (small) see the real me... It's funny and sad at the same time mainly because it's draining. Anybody else feel this way about themselves? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Funny you mentioned how music brings back memories and raw emotions. It's because so many areas of your brain are engaged when listening to music. That is why many Alzheimer patients benefit from music therapy. OneLov, That's an amazing video link. I'll check out the entire documentary (someone commented that it should be available in Netflix). Thank you for sharing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burnt Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 Thanks Burnt. Yep one day at time is my outlook for now. Today is better actually, the weather helps... This is an awesome thread, btw... Rock on!!! Or Jazz on???? Depending on what you fancy today, lol... Well, actually today I'm in the 40's & 50's mood; Bobby Darin mostly. So you're kinda right on there--rock on & jazz on. (Last few weeks I was on Arcade fire--really loud and fast tempo stuff). Boy, I'm all over the place. I'm driving, listening to one of "those" songs we're talking about and just started thinking... I'm so sentimental (on the low) , but if you saw me you wouldn't even think I'm up in loveshack like this... For real...I put on a really good face for the world, to a certain extent. Those in my immediate circle (small) see the real me... It's funny and sad at the same time mainly because it's draining. Anybody else feel this way about themselves? YEAHH !! me too. So now I wonder if you're one of those people that I see and think "look at those happy functional ones--they look like they are having the time of their lives and here's me faking it until I'm making it" Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Lol,na. That's not me. I never go around looking super stoked about anything. Just calm& laid back like everything is under control... You might see me having conversations with strangers or not, going shopping alone or with my ex-fiance at one point in time... Most men say I look unapproachable, but I'm not... I'm just usually in my own world so to speak. Don't judge a book or song or a dress before you try it out. You never know what people are going through... Link to post Share on other sites
sorano Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 certain songs do trigger certain events in my last relationship and I cannot listen to it. I get sad and or angry. Lately, I have been listening to a lot of jazz. Other stuff I cannot listen to right now. Not yet. so I stopped listening to a lot of my music. Right now, jazz is helping me out. Don't know why but it is Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 certain songs do trigger certain events in my last relationship and I cannot listen to it. I get sad and or angry. Lately, I have been listening to a lot of jazz. Other stuff I cannot listen to right now. Not yet. so I stopped listening to a lot of my music. Right now, jazz is helping me out. Don't know why but it is I find that to be true with me sometimes too.. I love jazz, just depends on what kind of jazz I'm listening to ,that helps out me in a certain mood. Instrumental jazz can be pretty objective, so to speak. No words give you room to imagine what the musicians are saying but there's still a mood that comes with the music. Also, IMO depending on the tempo and style, jazz can make you pretty happy of just really indifferent about whatever issue you're dealing with. Jazz is my "go-to" music for clearing my head, winding down or getting energized to do creative things. Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Listening to some straight ahead jazz. Sonny Rollins... Happy Friday all. Link to post Share on other sites
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