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Curious about this sentiment . . .[there is no excuse for cheating]


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I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

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A dear friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive marriage. She was worn down and had lost all self esteem. She met another man who respected her and treated her well and she quickly left the abusive husband. After a number of years, so also married the new guy.

 

I think that an affair is totally justifiable in this situation. I certainly didn't look down on her or the AP

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Imagine your spouse slaps your face. And you say, "hey, what's going on?" And they reply, "what'd ya mean? I didn't do anything!" But... You know they did. The thing with infidelity is that the lying is behind your back. And the gas lighting is crazy making, mess with your head bull crap.

Abuse behind your back is awful. I wish my husband would have punched me in a gut. would be a lot easier to trust myself and him after that opposed to all the lying. I'm sure he feels the same about me.

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I wish my husband would have punched me in a gut. would be a lot easier to trust myself and him after that opposed to all the lying. I'm sure he feels the same about me.

 

I

 

beg

 

your

 

pardon

 

??!!??

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you have endured as a result of your husband's cheating.

 

But please do be careful. Think before you type please.

Words carry immense power.

 

Have you every seen a woman physically abused, kicked, punched, hit by her husband? ON A DAILY BASIS? Do you have the slightest idea about what physical and verbal abuse by a spouse can do to a woman for the rest of her life?

 

I'm gong to guess NO.

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I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

i'd say so - yes. you always have other options.

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

 

not at all -- the fact that cheating doesn't have an excuse doesn't mean that other misbehaviors do. it definitely doesn't mean that cheating "trumps" everything else.

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Boomerangmagnet
I

 

beg

 

your

 

pardon

 

??!!??

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you have endured as a result of your husband's cheating.

 

But please do be careful. Think before you type please.

Words carry immense power.

 

Have you every seen a woman physically abused, kicked, punched, hit by her husband? ON A DAILY BASIS? Do you have the slightest idea about what physical and verbal abuse by a spouse can do to a woman for the rest of her life?

 

I'm gong to guess NO.

 

Words do carry immense power. And the same can be applied to a man enduring physical and verbal and emotional abuse.

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Nothing justifies cheating. Nothing.

 

 

All your friend did is now prove she is capable of cheating on someone else. Imagine what the next excuse will be.

 

The other side of this is you will never know the full story. I have seen far to often cheaters so horrible things about there BS's and you learn later it was all lies. The only thing your friend did is prove she is capable of lieing and cheating.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but there are better ways of getting out of a relationship when your not happy without destroying other peoples lives.

 

C

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ShatteredLady

There is always an alternative to cheating.

 

The rest is hard for me to answer because my H doesn't cheat, act normal, get caught. (I've hypothesized many times why.). My H becomes incredibly cruel, verbally abusive. I'm living the most horrible 'flash back'. The first time he was verbally & generally extremely abusive so I can't help combine the two.

 

Having experienced believing I was completely trapped & being abused long before I knew about the adultery I can say what it does, or at least what it did to me was VERY similar. Infidelity IS abuse!

 

I'm not saying that it trumps all. I've watched too much real crime TV to even talk about 'trumps'. There is pain beyond imagination in this world.

 

I'm a very, very proud lady. I'm the sensible one who takes care of other people. I'm intelligent & I'm strong. Honestly!! That's what I could truly say about myself. That's what people think about me. I'm NOT a woman who lives these things! I was tragically humbled to learn why women who are abused don't "Just Leave!!".

 

 

This is anonymous so I can say, "I'm truly horrified by how broken I am. I'm NOT coping! I'm very sick & very lost. I wake every single day & promise myself that I will do the very best I can. I can't stop crying. I'm mourning the loss of my love story.

 

I never imagined that infidelity can cause THIS much damage! It's not the OW, not really. A big chunk is the loss of reality. It's like The Matrix. It all seems so real! Why would I not have blind faith in my reality as I perceived it?

 

The impossible is possible.

 

Oh it's just truly one of those things that you have to experience to truly 'get'. There are things in life like that. You think you're empathic & you understand until you experience it & learn that it's so so very much more complex & devastating than you ever imagined.

 

When you've never experienced it you think that your brain would still be your friend & would help you think your way logically through it. Some things in life completely mess-up your head first.

 

Just when you need your mind the most it's completely paralyzed by shock, agony, confusion.

 

I don't know if it's the worst thing but it's definitely the worst thing that I've ever experienced but thats probably because I had the love & support of my lifelong partner to help me through the other nightmares so I wasn't so desperately alone.

 

Maybe I can't cope, can't get through this, because of the combination of each of the things I've been through...am going through? Maybe that's it....just too many straws on this little camels already very broken back?!?

Edited by ShatteredLady
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Jersey born raised

I could rattle of a dozen vaiid reasons to divorce, but none justifies or excuses adultery.

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Originally Posted by thecharade

I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

There is no excuse for cheating. If the marriage is bad enough for you to even think of cheating then FIRST GET A DIVORCE.

If a married spouse is going to cheat then that means that they are still married. That tells me that the person that wants to cheat, because of the treatment that they are in, is too weak or looking for an excuse.

 

If you cheat before you get divorced then you are just adding a decision that proves that you will add an action that will lower your self-respect. If your marriage is that much of a failure then the last thing you need is to compound that with you doing something that you know that is sleezy AND YOU HURT YOUR ALREADY DAMAGED SELF ESTEEM.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cleaned up quote
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cheating is bad , unethical no matter what are the circumstances ; however another form of cheating is when vows are not respected.

 

When a partner changes immediately after marriage and break the vows this is also cheating .

 

in both cases Marriage is affected / destroyed ; however when a man or a women who was faithful for years cheats suddenly ; i believe in this case marriage ended way before the adultery ; cheating is just the trigger.

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I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

NO, cheating doesn't "trump" every other form of marital issue. But the real question should be , can you think of a single POSITIVE thing that cheating will do for a marriage? You can't, because Cheating is ALWAYS harmful to the marriage. Divorce can help the individual and IC or MC can help with abuse or other marital problems, but cheating only makes a bad situation, worse. And I'm a former cheater , who says so.
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Abuse behind your back is awful. I wish my husband would have punched me in a gut. would be a lot easier to trust myself and him after that opposed to all the lying. I'm sure he feels the same about me.

 

Only if he had actually punched you, all that sense of betrayal and lack of trust which you WOULD feel too as soon as he landed the blow, is also accompanied by a fear for your life, a fear for your kids maybe, a fear he can punch you again at any time.

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BeholdtheMan
I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

 

The solution to serious psychological or physical abuse is a divorce.

 

Yes, cheating in such circumstances would be more understandable...but why cheat? Just end it.

 

Abuse is serious. A lot of marital friction falls short of abuse. "He doesn't listen to me. He's inattentive, not romantic. She let herself go. She gets angry over small things". These are EXCUSES, not ABUSES. Not every marital problem is "abuse"

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A dear friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive marriage. She was worn down and had lost all self esteem. She met another man who respected her and treated her well and she quickly left the abusive husband. After a number of years, so also married the new guy.

 

I think that an affair is totally justifiable in this situation. I certainly didn't look down on her or the AP

Why I have an issue with "my husband/wife is so abusive I just had to cheat" is that when a person is in a truly abusive marriage, cheating is not often a viable option.

If you husband is really a violent bully who controls your every move, then how is it possible for you to cheat, and why would you risk him killing you if he found out?

If you wife is a nasty harridan who has eroded all your self confidence then why are you chasing anything in a skirt?

 

It just doesn't add up. Truth is these are often just unhappy marriages not abusive ones in the true meaning of the word.

It is just another line in the cheaters handbook, I am being "abused" so I am within my rights to cheat on him/her.

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I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

 

Yes it really is that simple. There is no excuse for cheating. There may be rationalisations but none that excuse the act

 

But that doesn't mean that "infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehaviour, and betrayals in an M" because it might well not do so. If I had physically and emotionally abused my H I suspect that would by far have 'trumped' his A if that is how you want to put it. But that is utterly irrelevant. The two things are not interlinked and comparable. if you insist on comparing marital hurts you could go on forever. H did this to me, so I did that, then H did this, so I did that, H then proceeded to do this so I responded by doing something else..... childish and pointless and utterly ineffectual.

 

Maybe the main difference for me between infidelity and other marital 'crimes' are that it brings someone else in to the marriage - you are no longer a binary system, there is massive imbalance and generally there is deceit and secrecy around that imbalance so the betrayed spouse cannot understand the situation that they find themselves in.

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Why I have an issue with "my husband/wife is so abusive I just had to cheat" is that when a person is in a truly abusive marriage, cheating is not often a viable option.

If you husband is really a violent bully who controls your every move, then how is it possible for you to cheat, and why would you risk him killing you if he found out?

If you wife is a nasty harridan who has eroded all your self confidence then why are you chasing anything in a skirt?

 

It just doesn't add up. Truth is these are often just unhappy marriages not abusive ones in the true meaning of the word.

It is just another line in the cheaters handbook, I am being "abused" so I am within my rights to cheat on him/her.

 

Quite. H's OW swore her H was abusive and controlling. Which did rather beg the question 'why the **** are you risking him finding out and getting another excuse to be even more abusive?'

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I continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the M, no matter how awful the BS was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

So, is the assumption then that infidelity trumps all other hurts, abuses, misbehavior, and betrayals in an M? There is never even an abusive or painful marital 'tie'????

 

A reasonable person would divorce if their spouse is hurting them, abusing them, or gambling away their security. It's an odd thing to say that if there are these things happening that cheating is a reasonable option in context to an awful marriage partner.

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There is a difference between a punch in the gut and systemic ongoing physical abuse. I'd still rather have a punch in the gut. We can all decide this for ourselves, I think. I'm confident in my wording of that.

We have actually had this discussion between us. He would have rather had the same.

Could we punch each other at any time? Yes, but either of us could have another affair as well. We might not ever find out. Or, we'd sense something was wrong but we'd gaslight and manipulate the other. But another punch - gone. Clear as day, that one.

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There is a difference between a punch in the gut and systemic ongoing physical abuse. I'd still rather have a punch in the gut. We can all decide this for ourselves, I think. I'm confident in my wording of that.

We have actually had this discussion between us. He would have rather had the same.

Could we punch each other at any time? Yes, but either of us could have another affair as well. We might not ever find out. Or, we'd sense something was wrong but we'd gaslight and manipulate the other. But another punch - gone. Clear as day, that one.

 

But that is not real life, if your husband had actually punched you in the gut for real in your marriage, there are huge ramifications to that, ignoring them as if they don't exist is a contrived comparison.

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i continually read everywhere that no matter what was happening in the m, no matter how awful the bs was, there is no excuse for cheating. Is that correct?

 

yes.......

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I've witnessed infidelity many times. The cheater always tries to justify it in some form. Needs not being met, bad wife, husband, mother, father.

 

Always blame shifting, rewriting the marriage history, etc.

 

Are the marriages perfect. Nope sure aren't but instead of putting the effort into the marriage or trying to fix the issues the cheating instead is pure bull*****.

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But that is not real life, if your husband had actually punched you in the gut for real in your marriage, there are huge ramifications to that, ignoring them as if they don't exist is a contrived comparison.

 

who said I would ignore them? There would definitely be action.

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Mrs. John Adams

I would answer the question with a question....

 

What does cheating solve?

 

If the relationship is poor enough for a person to reach out to someone else....then cheating only complicates things....and certainly solves nothing.

 

Now you have involved another person into an already sick dynamic.

 

Some folks may not believe in divorce and have a difficult time turning lose of the damaged relationship... and i understand that. But there are still options available. Separation.....living together in the same house separately.....

 

For me ...the bottom line of infidelity is the deceit. If you intend to have an affair...then disclose that information to your spouse. Allow them to make the decision whether or not to remain your partner....after all...they are 50% of the relationship.

 

If you are in an abusive relationship....get out. I know that's easy for me to say and harder to do. ...but I cannot help but believe if you are in an abusive relationship....and you have an affair...you just increased the danger to yourself 10 fold.

 

If you are a wife with an abusive husband...how does cheating do anything except increase the chance of more abuse not only for you but for the OM should the spouse find out?

 

In my mind....cheating solves absolutely nothing. It complicates, it puts people at risk, it destroys.

 

The answer to a failing marriage is NOT having sex with someone else. The answer is finding help...a doctor, a lawyer, a psychologist, a therapist, clergy person ......someone who can help address the issues in the marriage. The last thing a broken person needs...is an affair partner.

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